Title: Push It Aside
Rating: G I think, But PG to be safe.
Spoilers: Some for Irresistable, but again, I don't think that should be problem.
Disclaimer: If I was CC, I would have put this in the episode and not bother writing about it eleven years later and posting it on . I think that about clears things up.
Summary: What were Scully's thoughts in that missing scene in Detour? You know the one I'm talking about. What happened after Mulder fell asleep? I know this is one that is frequently touched upon, but hey, nothing wrong with one more version, right?
Author's Note: At the end.
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Scully didn't know how long she had sat there, in the damp earth, pressed up against that equally damp and moss covered log. All she knew was that her legs had fallen asleep, the tingly sensation in her legs irritating the living out of her.
I should have known better than to sit cross-legged.
Of course, it wouldn't have mattered how she sat. With Mulder lying across them, they were bound to have their circulation cut off.
Slowly, she eased him off her legs and rested him gently on the ground. She shakily stood and let out a sigh, tucking her tangled hair behind her ear.
I hate rain. But this is not the time to think about your hair.
She stepped over Mulder's sleeping body and walked around the small pool of moonlight, stretching her aching limbs.
She looked around some, figuring she might as well keep up the job description of being 'on guard'. Seeing nothing of nothing, for the darkness was unforgiving, she stood still for a moment, letting her ears do the work.
Insects, tree frogs, wind. She deciphered that was nothing out of the ordinary, but didn't like listening any. She was half tempted to wake Mulder, but would feel embarrassed because she would have to tell him it was because she was afraid of the sounds of the forest.
She knew perfectly well that he would not hold that against her, but hated to admit things anyway.
Her mind trailed back in time to Donnie Pfaster, and she shook at the irony of it. God, she had never cracked on a case like that, never did again. She did not want Mulder to know she was having trouble; she did not want to appear weak in front of him, especially on that case. Having the victims being women, and being a woman herself…
She had always felt at a disadvantage, being a woman playing in the boys' club. She knew Mulder was nothing like that, but it had always been important to her to be in control, to be strong so that everyone's first impressions of her would be overthrown once the saw her intelligence, her deductive mind, her spunk.
But that case…and Pfaster's abduction of her…she had broke down in front of Mulder, in front of everybody.
Everybody else seemed to fade away, though. He held her close to his chest, whispering the same phrase into her hair, over and over.
"It's okay."
She keep her face hidden in his shirt as he quickly led her to the car, placing her in the passengers seat and making haste out of that dreadful place.
She kept her head down the whole way back to the motel, staring at nothing but her lap, never feeling so ashamed in her life.
Arriving at the parking lot, she exited the car and ran to the building, up the stars, and to her room. She could here him running after her, but he did not call her name. She slammed her door behind her, silent tears streaming down her face. She cleaned up in the bath room and changed her clothes, crawling into her bed, curling her legs up to her chest, and felt cold and scared.
Mulder never entered her room, but she knew he wanted to. They had adjoining rooms, and she did not hear his TV turn on. She heard some scruffling, his exasperated breathing. She had found it strange that his breath had become so loud, filling the empty air that surrounded her. But there was nothing else to hear.
Then she heard a loud thump against her door, the one that connected Mulder's room to hers. She jumped, then his shout of frustration pieced her eardrum. She heard a scratching sound of him sliding down the wooden door. She could almost see him, his back to the door, his head resting on his knees. She merely pulled the covers up over her head as his sobbing seeped into her and filled her.
Did he not know? All I wanted was for him to enter my room and hold me, tell me I was going to be safe, make me feel safe. But I couldn't, I wouldn't have let him anyway. I was too ashamed. Perhaps he knew that? No, I'm not going to think about this. Just push it aside, Dana…
Feeling cold, she shoved her hands in her pockets, tensing her shoulders.
I hurt him that night. No! Push it aside! But I can't help it. He already knew what I was feeling, he already knew what I needed, but I didn't want what I needed, and he knew that too. And that's how I hurt him, but why?
She looked over at Mulder, his face relaxed and peaceful, his legs curled up, his hair shifting slightly in the meager breeze.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
She sighed and loosened her shoulders, Mulder's breathing relaxing her.
Maybe it is better to push it aside. Thinking brings up questions, questions you can't answer.
That lie cloud came back, and so did the monster to press against her forehead.
She would never say it, not even inside her head, but it wasn't that she couldn't answer, for she knew the answer, but she didn't want to face it.
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Author's note: Hope you liked this chapter, but were left wanting more. I'm going to make another chapter, and "resolve" this little tale. Thanks for reading and please review!