HellfireSupremacy: Another day, another moron. So who's up next on the hit parade?"

Matthew: Don't know. You crossed everyone's name of the hit list and scribbled "WHY MUST I BE SURROUNDED BY FRIGGIN IDIOTS!" a bunch of times in red ink.

HellfireSupremacy: I did? That doesn't sound like me…

Matthew: Yeah. You did. There's other stuff to, but none of it's legible. Dude, your hand writing sucks ass. Did you actually write this, or did you just start punching small animals in the gut until they puked on a piece of paper?"

HellfireSupremacy: Shut up, it's a legitimate medical problem! I have...dexterity issues…"

Matthew: Dude, you have mental issues…

HellfireSupremacy: Probably. Anyways, list or no list, we need someone to rip on or we don't have a chapter.

Matthew: How about Lundgren, he's a dumb ass.

HellfireSupremacy: That works. Let's go with Lundgren.

(cough) I don't own Fire Emblem (cough)

Chapter 2: Lundgren is a Fucking Moron

For this one I'm calling in the Angel of Death as an expert witness.

"Yo, Jaffar! Stop trying to cop a feel off of Nino and get your ass in here, we got shit to do!"

"Sup." The assassin pops up out of the shadows. "You need me to whack a fool?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort. I just have a few questions for you."

"Shoot."

"You're a professional assassin. You've killed more retarded shmucks then a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool. You ever use any lethal poisons in your craft?"

"All the time, it's pretty much the easiest way to kill a man."

"Then pray tell us Jaffar, how many doses of poison does it take a competent operative to get the job done."

"Just one."

So that's like what, three or four doses for a novice assassin. Maybe six or seven for a complete stranger to the killing arts?"

"Nope, still just one. Poison is poison. It's not like knifing someone in the face where you have to factor in fighting skill, weapons quality, witnesses, time of day…you just get in, spike their drink, and get out."

"So Jaffar, What would you say if I told you I knew an old man who poisoned his older brother with intent to kill, but fucked up magnificently and wound up leaving him bed-ridden and ill instead of dead. Said man continued to poison his brother for several months, during which time he had complete control over all his eating and drinking habits. And the dumb bastard still couldn't take him out! By the time this moron figures out 'dude, I'm probably not using strong enough poison,' his dumb fuck of a niece who can't kill two noob bandits without a tactician shows up with her goons, and they beat his ass.

"I'd say we're looking at a failure of a human being whose untimely demise raises the collective intelligence of humanity. Anyone that stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. We're talking about Lundgren, right?"

"Indeed we are Jaffar. Indeed we are. And wouldn't you have just loved to be around when that idiot was trying to kill his brother, so you could laugh at his incompetence? Just so you could watch him fuck up day after day…

"God damn it, he's still not dead. Poison him again!" Lundgren commands.

"Perhaps we should increase the poisons strength milord."

"Unnecessary, just use the same dose as last time. If we keep poisoning him every day the toxins will start to accumulate in his system. Eventually that'll kill him.

"Or we could just force an entire bottle down his throat and finish him off today. No one's going to stop us."

"I…don't follow your logic."

"Okay, you know how you wanna let a bunch of shit build up in his blood, and kill him off like that? I'm saying if you just give him the entire bottle of poison right now, we can be done with it in 20 seconds flat."

"That's a terrible idea."

"No it's not, it's quick and efficient."

"Silence! I couldn't think of it on my own, therefore it must be a terrible idea. Why are you advising your Lord Lundgren to act upon a terrible idea? Do you oppose my rule? Are you plotting against me?"

"Ummmm…"

GUARDS, THIS MAN IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY GODLY AWESOME STRATEGY! EXECUTE HIM!"

"Wow. Sucks to be me." (STABZORS!)

"And that goes for the rest of you!" Lundgren barks. "I'm calling the shots, and I say we make this scheme as long, nonsensical, and unnecessarily comlicated as possible. We will continue to sicken my brother the marquess with non-lethal doses of poison and feed our most incompetent soldiers to my niece and her EXP whoring tactician. All further questions concerning the efficiency of my plan will be answered with accusations of treachery. And treachery is now a crime punishable by ball-clamp torture, because I said so! I'm the main villain and that's how I role!"

"Bitch, I'm the main villain. You're garbage!" Nergal shows up and he's all pissed cause Lundgren just totally blew him off. So he eats Lundgren's soul.

But then the fire dragon shows up and he's all like "Bitch, I'm the FINAL villian. Your just a creepy old man with a disfigured face and a head towel!" So the dragon incinerates Nergal and hacks a flaming loogy into his ashes.

But then Gheb shows up and he's all like "Bitch, I'm Gheb." And the fire dragon flees in terror.

But then…

Mattthew: …Forget it man, you're done. You milked this gag for all it's worth. Quit while your ahead.

HellfireSupremacy: Good call. What have we learned today Matthew?

Matthew: We learned that Lord Lundgren is a FUCKING MORON!