Wretched Hero

BTVS Fanfiction

Author's note: I hope you enjoyed that first little chapter. Hopefully it left you with your mouth hanging open, or something that would represent you was surprised or shocked. Cause I know I was! That made little and no sense… maybe I was just being bias. ANYWAYS! Enough about that… Thanks for the follows and the reviews. Stay tuned! And find out what happened to Buffy! I promise you, there will be some Spuffy… I mean, wasn't there some in the first chapter already? I'm just babbling now… so please, continue reading and enjoy!

Buffysummersbot: Of course... you ended on a cliffhanger... :( I need more! Until you add another chapter I'm going to read this, "Once more with feeling!"

Me: Well BSB, May I call you that? It's short for Buffysummersbot… anyways…. cliffhangers keep the readers interested! Well thank you and- oh hahahaha! I see what you did there… now let me just "Walk through the fire" and do the second chapter! Okay I don't think that made any sense whatsoever

Evilbuffyfan4eva: Carry on, I have been waiting for a fic like this for so long! Loving it!

Me: Why thank you! You know, I just thought to myself "I'm gonna write something…. Based off of Normal again…and it will be a Spuffy thing…. And it will be intense…and dramatic…." And so this little story came along.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (laughs devilishly) JOSS IS BOSS!

Everyone has his or her secrets. Everyone can be a hero. But not everyone can be the slayer. Being the slayer was a secret Buffy had to keep from everyone when she was chosen. It was said, in the Slayer Handbook, that all Slayers must keep their identities a secret. Kendra had told her that, since Buffy never actually read the handbook. But, Buffy never listened to that. She felt she worked well with others. And so, in came the Slayerettes! (As Willow liked to call them) It started out just the four of them. Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles.

After they defeated the Master, in came, Cordelia and Oz. And so, they became The Scooby Gang. Where they solved mysteries and stopped the big bads. Each year there were new villains they had to face. The Master, Angelus, The Mayor, Adam, Glory, and the Trio.

Some were terribly difficult to defeat but in the end the Scooby gang always won. Buffy Summers saved the world, A lot. She died, twice, to save the world. And then she came back. She began her new life having to claw her way out of her own coffin. Clawing through the dirt. Gasping for air. A traumatizing experience that she would never forget.

And she'd never been the same since then.

Everyday she'd tried to snap out of it, figure out why she's like that. Why she's such a mess. Why she came back. Why did she come back? Why did people care so much? Hadn't she done enough? She just created problems and chaos, with her slaying and everything, letting people get killed…

Faith almost killed someone.

She did kill someone.

And, Buffy tried to kill her friends to reclaim her sanity. The doctor told her to get rid of the things that kept her going back. She could've been with her mom, her dad. They would've been together

Like they used to be

But she chose to stay in Sunnydale. Her friends, her watcher, her sister… they were all there, in Sunnydale and she had to stay with them, she had to protect them. She had to save the world – again.

She hated her friends for pulling her out of heaven and placing her in hell. She hated having to save the world. She hated the hellmouth. She hated being the slayer. She hated herself. She hated being back. She wanted to be dead. She had enough of this slayer business, of saving the world over and over again. But she couldn't escape the glares from her friends, her sister, she couldn't escape hell, she was trapped.

Would she have been freed from hell if she chose the other reality? The reality where her mom was alive? Where her parents were together? Where she was just a normal girl, and didn't have to deal with being the slayer?

She could've been normal… she could've killed her friends…

She almost did.

And she was sorry.

She felt extremely sorry, she felt terrible.

Mom? Mommy?

Buffy wanted someone to hold her, to tell her it'll be all right. She wanted to lie in her mother's arms and just lie there, for the rest of her life. She wanted to lie with her mother in her coffin. She wanted to die again…

Buffy Summers sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the wall. She'd been in that position for the past hour. She didn't feel like doing anything else… not after what happened. She still had the sound of Dawn's scream and plea for help while Buffy was trying to kill her, etched in the back of her mind, along with everyone else's screams.

Who knew she could be so dangerous? Who knew she would harm her friends? Surely, no one did. No one suspected Buffy to do something like that, something so terrifying.

As terrifying as that event was, whenever Buffy stepped foot in her house she sensed everyone's fear. When she touched someone she sensed their fear. She hated the looks she received. Sometimes she wondered, on the days were everyone was happy and no one feared her, if she were imagining it. If she was imagining the fact that everyone was being scared. But she wasn't. She remembered that day…

"I tried to kill them" she said, her voice sounding hoarse and cracked. Her throat was dry. She couldn't eat nor drink. Not after what happened.

She lost some weight in the past week.

Dawn always encouraged her to eat something; she'd buy two Doublemeat Medley's and say the cashiers accidentally gave her another one, then give the extra one to Buffy. Or they'd sit in front of Buffy and stare at her until she had a bite of something, which Buffy though was extremely irritating. Sometimes she would get a sudden urge to punch all of them in the face, or, if she felt very violent and angry, dig into their stomachs and rip our their intestines. But she tried her best to push the urges aside and calm herself. And with all of the anger inside of her, from the constant "babysitting" by her friends, it was exhausting.

Sighing she decided to head downstairs, knowing that her absence might alarm her friends. Slowly she opened her bedroom door, walked hesitantly through the hallway and stopped on the first step of the stairway. Her hand clutched onto the railing, shaking. She was panicking again. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

At least she wasn't angry… or else she'd be blocking the stairway and looking like an idiot standing there, doing nothing but breathing in and out while shaking, trying to control all of that anger, to keep her from throwing a crazy tantrum. If they found her standing, doing nothing while shaking on top of the stairs, they'd think she was having some type of seizure, or panic attack and take her to the hospital. She hated hospitals… and after what happened… she hated them even more.

"It's going to be okay," she told herself. "It's going to be okay"

She repeated that over and over again until she felt calm enough to continue walking down the stairs. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she wasn't expecting to find everyone there, staring at her.

Buffy pretended to let out a shaky laugh. To be honest, she didn't care if she was in trouble, she just didn't care. Emotions didn't seem to show on Buffy, except for when she was having a breakdown in front of you, or when she was alone and screaming in pain and sorrow, or, you know, having one of her angry urges to kill someone.

So, if she was in trouble, she didn't care.

"What, am I grounded or something?" she asked them.

Giles and Willow exchanged glances then held out a sheet of paper, with Buffy's handwriting on it. It was a letter. It was one of her drafts of a suicide note…

Buffy, feeling a sudden wave of nausea crash down on her shakily snatched the note out of Giles's hand. Anger suddenly boiled in her chest then fear slowly started to wrap itself around her.

"Where… where did you…you get this?" she asked them her voice shaking slightly with anger, as she tried to control her emotions.

"We found them in your room" Willow responded.

"Without my permission?" She shouted, almost hysterical. " Oh, so does this mean I can just walk into your room and look for things? Take things without telling you?"

She laughed hysterically. "How dare you, all of you! How dare you think you could just walk into my room and go through my personal belongings? Hell, you even decided to look through my trash to find these!" She waved the paper at them.

"Are you worried I might go crazy and try and kill you? Trust me, I won't. I'm over that reality. But I guess none of you think that, I see how you all look at me, fear in your eyes, when I walk towards you! You probably hate me as much as we all hate Spike! Or do you prefer Spike because he didn't go all bat-shit crazy and try to kill all of you? Oh, well I guess all of you forgot something to…

He tried to kill me, he tried to kill all of us, remember? High school? Huh, I guess not… No one cares about Spike, it's all about Buffy. Buffy killed this demon, Buffy is depressed, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Buffy tried to kill us so let's all be scared of her!"

She was shouting, all of her anger just came pouring out of her and she made no use in hiding it. All of her emotions just came piling and piling onto her, she screamed at her friends.

She ripped up the paper, her tears splattering onto her hands, and threw it on the ground. Everyone stared at her, watched as she screamed in rage, pain and sorrow, they watched as she kneeled onto the floor and cradled her head in her hands.

They continued to watch when Buffy went silent.

Dawn, very slowly, walked towards her sister. She rested a hand on Buffy's shoulder and kneeled down in front of her. Buffy's dirty blonde hair hung in front of her face, blocking her view.

"Buffy?" Dawn said.

She didn't get an answer. Dawn tried again,

"Buffy?"

No answer.

Suddenly her hand shot up and grabbed Dawn's wrist, squeezing it tightly. Everyone stepped forward, getting ready to tackle Buffy if she hurt Dawn. A look of innocence flashed in Buffy's eyes. She wore a child-like expression. Her eyes full of unshed tears.

"Dawnie? P-please don't l-leave me…"

Dawn stared at her sister, then brushed her sister's hair out of her face. Her eyes bored into Buffy's and she pulled her into a hug.

"Promise not to leave me, and I won't" she whispered.

The rest of the Scooby gang continued to stare at the two siblings. Deeply thinking about Buffy's speech.

Giles backed away from the group and walked into the hallway where he could be alone. He couldn't believe it, Buffy feeling this way. He surely wasn't expecting to find the letters. He remembered reading the ones addressed to him over and over again, before deciding to show this to everyone else. He knew it was wrong, showing something that was Buffy's without her permission, but he needed to help her. He hated watching her suffer.

And then he heard a voice, a voice so familiar all of his thoughts about Buffy slipped away from his mind and were replaced by one thought, Oh dear lord, why now?

He walked back to the room where the two siblings were sitting on the floor, holding each other, and where the Scooby gang was busy looking at the guest that barged into the house.

"May I ask, what the bloody hell is going on?" Spike said, clearly confused.