Thank you to everyone for waiting so patiently for my sporadic updates! Here's Chapter 2! As always, if you see any spelling/grammar mistakes, let me know. Also, if you had trouble understanding a joke, don't be afraid to email me! Enjoy Random Bits 16 Chapter2!
Title: Random Bits 16 - Chapter 2
Setting: An unfortunate accident leaves Auron smelling funky. Now the Guardianship is off to find Mt. Gagazette's Potion Master.
Guadosalam - Outside the Manor- Yuna and Co. have just been politely asked to leave by King Bob. Something about Auron being detrimental to the health of the city.
Tidus stalked along at the end of the line, muttering to himself. Wakka plodded along just ahead, trying to ignore the one-sided conversation (which ran along the lines of "Stupid tree city. Stupid Guado with their stupid hair. Stupid, stupid-heads!"). Wakka lost interest in the conversation and fell back on his favorite pastime: picking his nose. Wakka was the kind of person who would pick his nose just about anywhere. He didn't care who was watching. Wakka's philosophy was that 'everyone burps, farts, and picks their nose, so there was nothing to be embarrassed about.
Concentrating on mining a really crusty lode (you know the kind I mean. It's the crusty you can feel way up your nasal passage. It's the sharp, jagged one that stabs you in the nostril when you just barely touch the side of your nose.), Wakka never noticed when Tidus stopped dead in his tracks.
The demon of mischief stabbed Tidus firmly in the bum with his little pitchfork of malicious revenge. There was a metallic screech and a clonk as Tidus' mental gears started turning. His eyes lit up with unHoly glee as an idea began to take shape. He'd show those Guado the meaning of the word 'stink'!
Wakka was strolling along, excavating his nostril while lost in thought. This is very tricky to do. It requires top-notch hand-eye coordination and a very steady hand or else it's bye-bye brain. His thoughts were interrupted (which was okay, seeing that he'd made a wrong turn down Memory Lane somewhere between 'What I Had For Breakfast', and 'What Did Lulu Say About Not Picking My Nose In Public Last Night' ) when someone poked him sharply in the back. The red-head turned to find Tidus, grinning like a Bomb. "Hey, Wakka. Wanna have some fun?"
Lulu was deep in conversation with Yuna concerning important feminine issues (I.e. the latest nail polish shade, the Alcyone's feet around her eyes, and how Wakka won't pick up his socks). Lulu was just explaining proper skin exfoliating techniques when someone entered the Barrier. The Barrier is the invisible bubble of space that surrounds women in conversation. It is specifically designed to repel everyone not part of the conversing group. Interlopers who get too close to the Barrier are met with that polite silence that says 'This is an A and B conversation, so C you later!' and is immediately followed by the feeling of a pressing need to suddenly be very far away. Those who are brave, or stupid enough to intentionally penetrate the Barrier are instantly met with hostile glares, ringing silence, and scorn multiplied by the number of women in the group.
The conversation ground to a halt. Lulu raked her burning red gaze over the two intruders, who flinched involuntarily, but kept grinning nervously. A warning siren went off in the Black Mage's head. Her internal Stupidity weathercock rotated wildly before spinning to a halt pointing due Tidus. Something Stupid was going down.
"Uh, Yuna…" Tidus ventured. He had to play his cards right, or else his plans would be ruined. He waited until Yuna looked at him, then giving her his best 'Big Dewy Eyes', said "Can you…Summon Ifrit for me?" The Summoner looked uncertain. "Well…I don't know…" Her Guardians didn't usually ask for a Summoning unless they were in danger. She knew Tidus was fascinated with the Aeons, but was never too enthusiastic about Yuna Summoning them, especially after what had happened between him and Valefor that one time in Guadosalam…
Lulu countered with the Common Sense and Deep Suspicion Cards. Leaning in to offer council Grand Vizier style, she murmured to Yuna "It would not be wise. The Aeons aren't toys." She shot Tidus a distrustful glance that said 'I know you are up to something'. The whole thing smelled fishy, and it wasn't because of Auron (but only because he was currently walking downwind). Tidus swallowed and took a near imperceptible step back. He wished he knew how to cast Reflect. It was dangerous to mess with someone who could kill a Behemoth King with just a rag doll.
The All Innocence Card was brought into play. "I just want to…er, pet him." Tidus said to his shoes. He didn't dare look up. Lulu was giving him one of her megawatt glares; he could feel it. It was making his scalp sizzle. He received skeptical looks from both women. "Why?" The Black Mage demanded. By now her radar was going totally nutters and the others had wandered over to see what the hold-up was. They crowded around to watch just in case something interesting was going to happen.
"Uh…" Was as far as Tidus got before his brain farted out all the really good answers. The only ones left were 'Just because' and ' I don't know', but that wasn't going to work. Luckily, Wakka came to his rescue, playing the Sympathy Card. The blitz ball captain strolled up with feigned confidence ( given away by the fact that his knees were banging together like castanets), and said " He just wants to pet him for a while 'cause Ifrit reminds him of a little orange puppy named…uh, Blitz, yeah, when he was a kid, ya? But the poor little guy--"
"Girl." Tidus corrected.
"Girl, got run over by a, um…steam roller!" Wakka was thinking at lying speed, which was much faster than normal thinking speed. Lie speed is calculated in thoughts per second and is the number of thoughts that flash through your mind when you are trying to think of an answer to your (girlfriend's, boyfriend's, wife's, husband's, kid's) question of 'Where were you last night?" when you know you were at (the bar, your friend's house, or that really awesome party out in the middle of nowhere that involved the theft of a construction site port-a-potty). Wakka was thinking somewhere around 15tps, as far as Lulu could judge from the smoke that was beginning to curl out of the man's ears.
"He-e-eyyyy!" Rikku interrupted. "How do you know if Tidus had a puppy when he was little? You weren't even born yet, Wakka!" The little Al Bhed girl stood glaring up at Wakka, hands on hips. She looked like an angry bantam. Wakka cursed silently, but managed to increase his tps to about 17, and came up with "Well, he told me all about it. He is my buddy, ya?" he said in lofty tones. " He saw the whole thing happen. It was awful! Right, brudda?"
"Yeah, it happened right before my eyes. Poor little Bitz," Tidus sniffed, "She never saw it coming. Afterwards, we had to scrape her off the roller with a spatula. I had to fold her in half six times just so she would fit in her little shoebox coffin." He managed to squeeze out a single tear. There was a sad 'awww' from Rikku and Yuna.
"How terrible!" Yuna said quietly, covering her mouth with a hand. "You must have been so sad."
Tidus managed a few more moist sniffles. It was working! Yuna was just about ready to give in. The young blitz ball star pulled out all the stops. "Yes. I cried for a week. And every night I think about how we could have had her stuffed if only that clown had let use his helium tank."
"You cry all the time anyway, you crybaby." came an unconvinced grumble from Auron's direction. "I think you have one too many 'X's in your genotype." Tidus, through great effort, managed to ignore the comment. It would all be worth it in the end. Besides, he didn't even know what a genotype was. It sounded like it had something to do with pants.
Giving Yuna one of his saddest, most soulful gazes (and adding in a little trembling lip just to be safte), Tidus sniffled, "Ifrit reminds me of my little Blitzie. Please, can I just pet him for a little while?" Unable to stand up under the deluge of threatened tears, Yuna crumbled. She Summoned Ifrit.
Tidus clung to the Aeon's neck, sobbing dramatically, "Oh Blitzie, you've come back!" The other Guardians shuffled uncomfortably, embarrassed (except for Auron, Lulu, and Kimahri, who knew bad acting when they saw it) by the display, and gladly left when Tidus asked for a moment alone. Yuna paused as she shooed her other Guardians ahead of her. "Will you be okay by yourself, Tidus?" she asked in concern. "Yes. I…I…just need a few moments alone. Go on without me, I'll catch up!" he replied, drama oozing from every pore. Up ahead, Lulu rolled her eyes at Auron. It was like watching a really bad soap opera.
Looking over her shoulder as Yuna rejoined them, Lulu could see poor Ifrit with Tidus hanging from his neck like an ugly tick. "I feel sorry for the Aeon." Lulu muttered to Auron as they started down the tunnel to the Thunder Plains.
Once Tidus was certain they were alone, he let go of Ifrit's neck, allowing the Aeon to breath again. Grinning happily, the blond patted the fiery hell hound on the head and began digging through his pack. There was the sound of a can being opened. Ifrit's mouth watered at the smell of meat that wafted through the air. His ears pricked up as Tidus turned around and held out a can of Marp's Blazing Hot Bomb Chili. "It's all for you, buddy!" Tidus crowed quietly to the illiterate creature. "Eat up!"
Nothing upsets the complicated balance of digestive bacteria in a dog's gut like 8 oz. (or 0.2268 kg if you're using the metric system) of extra spicy chili. For millions of years dogs have spent their days eating spoiled and rotting food, their own and other dogs' vomit, and flattened, sun-baked road kill jerky (the way the maggots wiggle on the way down is a right treat!), without so much as an upset gurgle from their stomachs. Feed a dog a can of all beef, USDA inspected meat and five minutes later it's a mushy, steaming pile on the sidewalk waiting for an unsuspecting shoe.
Tidus held his breath while he scrapped the flaming pile into the wet paper sack Wakka had given him. He sent Ifrit back to Yuna and began creeping back up the tunnel, praying to whatever deity was now filling in for Yu Yevon that no one would come ambling his way. The hoodlum, humming his own theme music, paused in the shadowy tunnel to scope things out. He could see the Mansion doors clearly from his hiding spot. There wasn't a Guado in sight. A slow, evil smile stretched across Tidus' countenance.
Owning (or at least having access to) a dog that was wreathed in eternal hellfire brought the classic Flaming Bag of Dog Doo-Doo on the Porch prank to a whole new level. For one thing, you didn't need to carry matches. Tidus tossed the flaming bag into the air, and began the first rotation of the Jecht Shot. There's a certain technique required to throw a burning bag of poop in order to achieve the desired effect. 1. Throw, and 2. Run like the Farplane. The bag doesn't have to burst open, but it is preferable (and harder to clean up).
By the time the sordid little package splatted on the Mansion doors (and yes, it did burst open!) Tidus was just a small, accelerating speck at the end of the tunnel.
Anyone for some Blitz jerky? It's fresh off the roller! I'll even throw in a side of Marp's Blazing Hot Bomb Chili. (please review!)