"No."
Uncas remained where he was, so still that Alice could neither hear nor feel him breathe. For a long time, they stayed that way, with Alice lying unmoving under him, her hands clenched at her sides. He was waiting for her to explain; but her mind and thoughts were all jumbled at the moment. He finally raised his head and she inhaled sharply when she saw the hurt swimming in his eyes. She immediately regretted her hasty rejection.
She reached up to cup his jaw, "Uncas, I-" He rolled away from her, "Forget I asked." A cold lump began to form in her stomach. He sounded so remote. She touched his arm and tried again, "Uncas -" "Alice, drop it." he issued tonelessly. The fact that he did not sound angry scared her more. Stricken, she could only stare helplessly at his broad, heavily muscled back. This was the first time he had turned his back on her.
Why had she said no so quickly? Did she really not want to marry Uncas? Did she expect them to date for the rest of their lives? What was she afraid of? Alice loved him - there was no question about that. Then why... Memories of the nights and days she spent without him when he was deployed for months in the Middle East assailed her. Not knowing whether he was safe or in danger, dead or alive, until he called her. His top-secret missions, those times he packed up and left on last-minute orders, the times when she completely had no means of communication with him...
...And the funeral of his fallen comrade who had died in action during one of their overseas missions. It happened about a year ago and Alice had attended the funeral because she knew the soldier and his young, beautiful family. Alice could not erase from her mind the sight of Uncas' team members all lined up, faces impassive, yet their eyes had glimmered with unshed tears. The sound of the departed soldier's family's heart-breaking sobs as they bid him farewell... That was what she was afraid of. But was that all?
Alice had not hesitated at all in her rejection of his so-called proposal. He could tell she regretted afterward but the damage was done. He could hear her breathing nervously, erratically behind him. Then again, he confessed he was not surprised at her response. This was the first time marriage was mentioned between them, despite the fact they had been together for three years and enjoyed a solid relationship. Why haven't they talked about marriage? He suddenly wondered.
Uncas had never brought up the subject since he had assumed they would eventually get married and presumed Alice thought the same. He was wrong. She had her reservations. She was committed to him but she was not committed to them spending the rest of their lives as husband and wife. In that moment, Uncas felt extremely foolish and naïve.
Silence does not mean consent and agreement. Or maybe he was just so crazy over her that he had chosen to overlook the warning signs. Facing the warning signs meant that was a chance he could lose her. At that thought, his stomach churned. Life without Alice. What would that be like?
Alice woke up the next morning in an empty bed. Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, she stumbled sleepily out of the bedroom. She saw a note propped on the kitchen table. "Gone for training. Will be at the base today and tomorrow." Alice slumped down on the nearest chair, not sure what to feel or think about the note. Was he deliberately putting some distance between them after last night? But she belatedly recalled that he did mention during dinner yesterday that he was scheduled for training over the next couple of days. Was it bad or perfect timing?
Her cell phone shrilled. It was her mother. Alice tapped her phone, "Yes, Mum?" "Hello, darling. I know you should be busy getting ready for work but your dad wanted to confirm that Uncas is coming over for Christmas, too?" Christmas. She slapped her forehead. She was due back in London for the holidays.
It was about three weeks to Christmas and her ticket home was booked for the twentieth. Uncas had specially taken leave to accompany her to London this year. He had been to London countless times in the last three years, but this was the first time he was spending Christmas with her family.
They had celebrated last Christmas with his family in Boston, and the year before in D.C. For their first Christmas together, they had jetted to Berlin on a whim. Then, they had only been officially together for two weeks. Uncas had relatives in Berlin and had spent most of his childhood summers there so he knew the city like the back of hand.
Would Uncas still want to go with her to London after last night? Would things be settled between them by then? Crossing her fingers, she replied with forced brightness, "Of course he is." "Lovely. Your father is considering taking him to..." Alice listened listlessly as her mother chattered on about their Christmas plans, gazing beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows of the adjoined living room. If Uncas was staying at the base for two nights, then she would spend her nights back at her place.
She returned to the bedroom and made a beeline for the corner in the wardrobe where she kept her clothes, including spare outfits for work. A reluctant smile tugged at her lips when she saw her dresses and coats hung according to colour, her separates neatly stacked into piles, by category. Uncas was such a neat, organised freak though he refused to admit it, claiming it was just the way it was in the military. His apartment was perpetually spick-and-span, with everything unerringly in place. She chose a black suit and a champagne silk camisole, and headed to the bathroom to wash up.
Uncas was about to step into the shower when his cell phone vibrated. It was his mother. "I bought gifts and made cookies for Katherine and James. When are you and Alice flying up to Boston?" she inquired eagerly without saying hello. Uncas frowned in confusion. Cookies for Alice's parents? Why was his mother... London. He was supposed to spend Christmas in London this year. He had totally forgotten about it. They had planned this months ago.
Both sets of parents had met several times and got along fabulously. He hedged, "Could you send the cookies and gifts over? I don't think we have time to go up before we leave." His mom answered that she would send the items via express mail immediately, together with Alice's present. Uncas noted wryly that his present would not be included in the package - if he even had one. Alice was the daughter his parents never had and they doted on her.
Uncas was towelling his hair dry when Dwayne, one of his buddies on his squad asked curiously, "Aren't you going home?" "Should I?" Uncas replied cryptically. "Had a fight with Alice?" Dwayne nudged him cheekily. Uncas just elbowed him in return and walked out of the communal bathroom.
He checked his phone and saw that he had a message from Alice. She was going for dinner and drinks with her colleagues after work at a popular bar downtown. He texted her back, wishing her a good time. He walked to the barracks, thinking of the looming London trip. By the time he reached the building, he had made up his mind. He retrieved his phone and made a call.
"Where's your soldier boyfriend tonight?" Alice peered at Kylie, her colleague who asked the question, and who always flirted shamelessly with Uncas when he was around. Alice dismissed her question with a noncommittal shrug. Nick, another colleague she often worked with materialised at her side, offering her a glass of wine, "Spending Christmas in London?" Alice nodded and they started chatting animatedly about their holiday plans.
Nick was good-looking, tall with sandy brown hair and green eyes, and Alice confessed she was secretly flattered sometimes when he paid her attention. If she was not with Uncas...maybe she would have...Alice gave herself a hard mental shake. She was being silly. She was happy with Uncas, was she not?
Alice checked her phone for the hundredth time - there were no messages from Uncas since his perfunctory reply to her equally perfunctory message. She never felt so unsettled before. They have had their skirmishes but nothing so emotionally disruptive as their latest disagreement. She knew he was not as upset about the fact she turned him down as the fact that she offered no explanation. Uncas was the most rational, logical person she knew - he hated things hanging or unresolved without reason or conclusion. Feeling impulsive, she ordered another glass of wine.
Uncas skimmed down the sidewalk, flipping the collar of his jacket up against the bitter cold. It was going to snow soon. Despite his better judgement, he was back in D.C and on his way to the bar Alice claimed she was at. He paused in front of it and searched for her through the all-glass shop front. He finally found her at the bar counter, swaying unsteadily on a bar stool. Her colleague, Nick was standing next to her. Too close to her. Uncas thought darkly.
Alice's black jacket was hanging off one shoulder, exposing her thin slinky camisole beneath. She slipped off the stool drunkenly and landed in Nick's arms. Uncas fought the urge to rush inside - instead he observed calmly from the outside. To Nick's credit, he kept his arms chastely on Alice's shoulders and tugged her jacket back into place. Uncas saw Alice flash a giddy smile at Nick, looking uninhibited and relaxed. Uncas could not help comparing the present Alice to the Alice of the last few months - or how Alice seemed so testy whenever she was with him.
His phone beeped and his jaw tightened reflexively when he saw the number. He picked up the call, listened intently, uttered his assent and clicked off. Nick and Alice disappeared into the cloakroom and reappeared a few moments later. Nick helped Alice into her dark grey coat and tied the belt at her waist. With his arm around her shoulder, he guided her out of the bar.
Uncas blocked their path casually, "Hello, Nick." "Uncas! Alice mentioned you were working late. I was going to send her home." Nick exclaimed in astonishment. When Nick saw that Uncas was eyeing his arm which was still draped over Alice, he automatically retracted the offending limb.
"Knocked off early so I decided to pick her up." Uncas responded smoothly, his tone amicable. "She had a bit too much to drink today. She looked a little out of sorts." Nick divulged, stuffing his hands into his pockets of his coat. Uncas made him nervous - Alice's boyfriend had a lethal, dangerous aura about him and those deep brown eyes were always razor sharp and alert at all times.
Uncas thanked the other man politely and slipped his arm around Alice's waist possessively. With a cautious wave, Nick took his leave. Alice tottered on her high-heeled boots, automatically sinking against his chest. "Cold." she mumbled into his jacket, wriggling closer. Uncas wondered half-exasperatedly whether Alice knew it was him. "Alice." he shook her firmly.
Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at him, askance, "You are supposed to be at the base." Her tone was accusing. "Came back for you, sweetheart." he answered wearily. Alice jerked her head up to look at him with tipsy suspicion, "Did you?" Uncas sighed and gathered her into his arms securely, "Always." He pressed a kiss on her cold cheek, "Let's go home."
They went back to her apartment. Uncas was finicky about taking showers where possible; maybe it was because he had spent numerous times going without showering for days while on missions. He ushered Alice into the shower and quickly doused her with warm water. Bundling her up in her worn bathrobe, he sat her down at her vanity table and plugged in the hair dryer.
Alice rested against Uncas as he patiently dried her hair. If she was not so sloshed and exhausted, she would have smiled at the sight of the rugged, muscular SEAL being so attentive. That and the fact that Uncas was a stickler for hygiene. When he was done, he carried her to bed. Her brow crinkled in bewilderment when he did not join her. Instead, he dusted a kiss on her forehead, "Sleep tight." Don't go. She wanted to call out but her lids drooped heavily, her throat too parched to form the words.
I'm never going to drink so much again. Alice moaned pathetically as she gingerly sat up the next morning with a pounding headache. Fortunately, it was Saturday so she did not have to work. Uncas. She blinked. She had hazy recollections of him last night. He had gone to the bar. He had taken her home, showered her and gotten her into clean clothes.
And he had not slept in her bed. The sheet on the other side was unwrinkled, the pillow undented. Her bedside clock proclaimed it was noon. Alice felt a little disoriented. It had been a unspoken agreement for the longest time that they would spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights at his apartment. Why were they at her apartment?
"Why are we not at your place?" Alice could not help asking, as she treaded into the living room. Uncas handed her a glass of fresh orange juice, "Is there a rule that we can't camp here on Friday nights?" He flicked her an unreadable look, "Am I breaking protocol here?" She studied him with growing apprehension. Something was not right. "Shall we go out for lunch? It's nice outside." He changed the subject before Alice could probe him further about his bleak mood. "Let's." she replied stiltedly and quickly returned to her room to change.
Uncas suggested they try the new brunch place on the next street. They walked there in complete silence; far from the warm, wordless intimacy they shared on many occasions. Still, Uncas had not resisted when Alice reached for his hand earlier, his fingers clasped her fingers loosely. Upon arrival, the hostess informed them they had to wait for a table. Their number was called a few minutes later and the couple prepared to enter the café.
"Uncas?" Uncas whipped his head around and found himself looking into familiar hazel eyes. "Becca?" Becca Swanson. One of CIA's most gifted field agents of the 21st century, and no doubt its most beautiful. She stood 5'11" in bare feet and boasted flawless milky skin, a lustrous mane a couple of shades lighter than Uncas' own raven hue.
She had a lithe, athletic figure and exuded an air of effortless confidence. Behind that exceptional beauty was a brilliant, shrewd mind. Becca had been scouted by the agency while she was still in college: a perfect GPA, star of the lacrosse and tennis teams, a winning personality.
She had a double major in Political Science and History. Plus, she had an aptitude for languages and already was fluent in four at that time: English, French, Spanish and Mandarin. She had grown up speaking French and Mandarin with her Chinese-Canadian mother and maternal Chinese grandparents.
Uncas guessed Becca now could probably rattle off in at least three other languages. They had worked together over the years on several joint operations. While they got along very well, not once had either of them crossed the line. They had too much personal and professional respect for each other to risk burning bridges.
Becca pecked a friendly kiss on his cheek before turning to Alice, "I'm Becca Swanson. Uncas and I work together occasionally." Alice shook the proffered hand and tried not to gawk at the gorgeous woman in front of her who looked as if she belonged on the fashion runway - and in a Victoria's Secret catalogue.
Becca's smile was genuine and while she had appeared chummy with Uncas, there was not a drop of flirtatiousness or seductiveness in her manner. "I'm Alice. Lovely to meet you." Alice responded genially."Well, I was just leaving. Insider tip - the waffles here are delicious." With a wink, Becca swished out of the café.
"Becca is beautiful." Alice commented casually as she stabbed a slice of bacon with her fork. "She is." Uncas concurred evenly. "How long have you known her?" Alice blurted out. "About five years. I met her on my first joint operation." he replied matter-of-factly. "And she works for..." Alice pressed, curiosity killing her. Her gut feeling was telling her Becca was not from the military. "A government agency." he issued brusquely. Alice nodded docilely, knowing the subject was closed.
They were back at Alice's apartment two hours later. Uncas channel surfed in the living room, while Alice pottered around the kitchen. She boiled tea, and set a teapot and two cups on a tray. Putting down the tray on the coffee table, she scooted close to him on the couch, resting her head on his shoulder. Strong. Dependable. Safe.
Uncas started tracing circles on her palm, "You looked as if you had fun yesterday." Alice answered easily, "Not more than usual." "Nick likes you more than a colleague." he stated, tipping his chin down to look into her eyes. Alice stiffened, " I don't like him that way." "You would have if you weren't with me." he mused cynically. Alice snapped her head up and demanded, "What are you trying to say?" "Nothing. Just an observation." he countered, unruffled.
Alice stared at him, her heart thumping with trepidation. Uncas took a deep breath and announced, "I cancelled my leave." Alice's mouth dropped open, "What?" "I'm not going to London with you. I don't think I should go to London with you." he resumed, holding her gaze unwaveringly. Alice finally found her voice, "Are you doing this just because I didn't agree to marry you?" She knew she said the wrong thing when he flinched. She had just trivialised his proposal.
Alice felt panic wash over her and she sputtered incoherently, "It's not that I don't want to marry you, I just think we need to - " "What do you want from me, Alice?" Uncas interjected curtly. Alice froze, her eyes wide and turbulent. "What do you want from me?" he repeated forcefully, his eyes filled with wounded despair. "I want you to quit your job. I want us to have a normal relationship." she barked defensively.
He regarded her for a long minute. "So if I quit tomorrow, are we going to have a normal relationship? Are you going to marry me?" he rapped out stoically, but disappointment was etched across his features. Alice realised how childish and frivolous she had sounded. "What am I to you? If the past three years was not a normal relationship to you? An ongoing fling?" he grilled ruthlessly.
She was going to lose him. The knowledge hit Alice like a ten-tonne truck. She tried to think of a smart reply but she could not. What do I want from him? "What do you want from me?" she whispered desperately, her bottom lip wobbling uncontrollably. She was on the verge of losing him. She could feel it explicitly. His eyes, his tone.
"I want you to be my wife. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to be there when I need you. I want you to be there when I'm happy. I want you to be there when it hurts. I want everything you have to give me - the good and the bad. I don't give a damn what happens to you now or in the future. I just want you. Just you." he rasped, his eyes glittering with fierce emotion. He reached out to thumb away the lone tear rolling down her cheek, "But you don't want all those things from me, do you? You want some - but not all. You want more than that, different things - and you don't think I can give them to you." he concluded achingly.
Alice could only sit paralysed on the couch as he got to his feet. He grabbed his car keys from the coffee table and looked down at her, "We need a break from each other." Alice closed her eyes and shook her head furiously, " No, we do not. I just need to -" "You won't be able to sort out your feelings with me around. The time apart will help." he refuted gently. "How long? How long is this break going to be?" she stammered. The bittersweet pain and regret in his eyes answered her question. He headed towards the door.
Alice refused to watch him walk out of her home - and out of her life. No. She heard him slip on his shoes and open the door. "I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you." his deep voice floated towards her and the door clicked shut. Alice lay curled on the couch, as tears rained non-stop down her cheeks, splashing on her clothes. The couch still retained Uncas' warmth, his scent. She buried her nose in the leather and cried her heart out.
Uncas numbly climbed into his SUV. Breaking up with Alice was the most difficult and painful decision he had ever made in his life so far. He felt as if his heart was being mauled out of him and all that was left was a huge, gaping hole. He stared blindly at the windscreen, tears blurring his vision. He loved her - but he just could not let things go on status quo.
He knew Alice would be perfectly fine letting things run as it were until a wrench was thrown at some point - in which she would just give up and walk away, thinking they had tried their best when they actually had not. They owed it to themselves to think things through properly. If Uncas was not what Alice wanted in her life, in a partner, then he would have to let her go. It was not just about his job - there were other aspects in their relationship she was bothered by but until now refrained from facing head-on.
The clock on his dashboard glowed: it was 3.15pm. He had to report at the base at 6pm. Once he had made the call to cancel his leave yesterday at the base, he had been assigned a mission while he waited for Alice outside the bar. The mission had no confirmed duration. It could be days, weeks and months before he returned to the US. After a few minutes, he powered up the car and drove away.
Alice did not know how long she lay on the couch crying. All she knew that she felt as if someone had punched her in the gut and ripped out her heart. Her house suddenly felt so empty. Her life suddenly felt so empty.
She felt so empty.
Uncas was gone.