One Shot number one.
This is my version of a crack story. Or crack one-shot story. It's quite silly really...
This scenario popped into my head while I was writing the chapter where Madara and Hashirama was building Konoha, and I could very easily picture this scene. I'm not sure if anyone will enjoy this, but I certainly had fun writing it.
So here is my very first one shot…
The Present.
A present is something that you are given without asking for it on a special occasion. Especially to show friendship or to say thank you.
"What is it?" Asked Madara staring down at the scroll Hashirama was turning this way and that. Trying fruitlessly to figure out which way was up and down. The scribbles on the documents were of no help, they were in every impossible angle too.
"Um… I'm not sure… Some sort of instalment?" The Hokage answered uncertainly, tilting it at an angle so the sunlight from the window would illuminate the scroll better. His eyes narrowed in concentration while again turning the scroll on its head.
"Did it not come with an introduction?" Asked Madara exasperatedly as he tilted his head sideways, suspecting that he got a better understanding if he did. Apparently Hashirama had the same idea since his head tilted too, but in the opposite direction.
"I think this is the top and that this pipe goes upwards." Suggested Madara pointing to the indicated area he was talking about but Hashirama snapped the scroll sideways, a huff escaping his lips.
"No, the pipe goes down. I'm sure it goes down." The Hokage argued back before continuing to study the paper with instructions of how to construct the 'application' as it had been unhelpfully named on the scroll. Madara folded his arms and stepped backwards.
Engineering really wasn't his fort and between the two of them Hashirama definitely understood the workings of an object better. The Hokage could create houses in about five seconds, understanding the connections between the joints and the space dimensions in and out. So it was a subject Hashirama made a point of being informed about.
"I think… It's some sort of a fancy sink." Concluded Hashirama. "I've seen… Something similar… I think? In the capital I mean."
"A sink? Uzushiogakure is giving Konoha a sink for its ten years anniversary?" Said Madara with an undisguised annoyance. So Uzu was still being very rude with them because of the murder of Mito? It hadn't even been their fault which they knew perfectly well, and despite this they held a grudge. Even to now, years later. At least Madara could swear a selected few were angry that Hashirama had remarried. Something the Uchiha leader found extremely petty of them.
Was his childhood friend supposed to be moping for his dead wife for the rest of his life? Or find someone he cared enough for to continue on with? It was self-explanatory.
Though the Uchiha leader had to admit; he'd been under the impression that things were improving. For a few years the Uzumaki had been easier to deal with, and the efforts Konoha had put into getting rid of their rebels had eased up a lot of the tension. Especially since Kurou became their ambassador.
But now they had given them a complicated sink as their anniversary present? What the hell? Madara would not let this one slide by. No way, this was a direct insult!
"Hold in your anger a little longer, Madara. I'm not entirely sure. The introduction should be here... somewhere." He said and peeked over the edge of the large scroll to the sea of disorganized papers on his desk.
"It's at times like these that I wish your brother never went on vacations. What the hell would happen to Konoha if your task distributing brother wasn't there to clean up your mess every time you lose a document?" Muttered Madara and walked around the desk to start the unavoidable task ahead of him. Finding that damn introduction.
His eyes browsed superficially over the visible documents for similar handwriting as the one on the scroll from Uzumaki Ashina, but came up without results. This meant he had to start unsealing each and every damned document to find the correct one. A task he personally felt better suited for the postman than the jōnin commander.
"There is a system!" Exclaimed Hashirama slightly offended, lowering the document he'd been holding with two hands in front of him and looking sweepingly over his desk.
"I keep them organized according to which ones I use the most. Uzu is in the top right corner while Suna is in the top left corner. Iwa is in the bottom left and I keep Konoha documents in the middle." Explained Hashirama while grabbing a scroll and unfolding it. "See? This is the border agreement with Suna. Just where I thought it was. It doesn't have to work for anyone other than myself, and that it does." He said in defiance of his selective scatterbrain when it came to organizing his office.
Madara had often convinced himself that Hashirama organized his desk similarly to how he did a battlefield. Now it was proven. The Uchiha could account for the fact that the strategy in question had much better efficiency in war scenarios than in their current setting.
"Fine, then I'll start looking through this pile." Sighed Madara and started unsealing the first scroll his fingers touched.
Hashirama gave a small unsure smile and then looked fleetingly over the many documents. "Em… Thanks..." The Hokage said. Knowing for a fact that there was a few Suna documents currently stacked with the ones from Uzu, but was unsure how to sneak them out of the pile without Madara and his Sharingan noticing.
An hour later neither Madara nor Hashirama was any wiser about the content of the document. But the latter had come up with a couple of wild suggestions to what it may be. Which included a sort of water pump and a fire extinguisher?
Madara had never understood the need for a fire extinguisher though. Most ninjas in Konoha knew water jutsu. So a small tank filled with water was rarely of any help for anything except taking out a small bonfire.
If you had ninjas such as Senju Tobirama who created water jutsus that could be compared to master pieces, then you were always guaranteed a humanoid fire extinguisher. Except when the person in question was currently on vacation in the capital. Damn take Tobirama and his untimely leaves of absence.
Who takes a break from the village during its ten year anniversary anyway? If they ever needed an advisor to help with the organization of the festival weekend they had planned, then it was now. When Madara thought about it like that he could understand perfectly well why Tobirama had picked these two particular weeks to leave the village.
Madara allowed a heavy sigh to release and threw a scroll containing a request from Uzu to have Hashirama come over to whirlpool country and build them a few new guard houses on the mainland. In exchange for a fuinjutsu seal that will benefit them with weapon storage.
It was becoming very apparent that the instruction manual was not on the desk and the Uchiha was certain Hashirama had mixed up the papers while he was in the delivery room earlier. Looking at the door, he decided it was better to look there than continue looking through the cabinets which contained six times as many disorganized documents compared to the desk.
"I'm going to check the post room. Maybe it was put in the wrong pile." Suggested Madara as an excuse and got up from the seat he'd taken occupy of while reading through the scrolls.
Hashirama narrowed his eyes, seemingly thinking hard about the possibility of the instructions being in there before he shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't think it is but by all means take a look. I'll keep looking here." Answered Hashirama and picked up his fifty sixth scroll and unsealed it with atomized fingers.
Madara walked out the door and into the corridor lit by the afternoon sun and a lone burning torch in the middle of the length. With tired footsteps he made his way to the staircase and walked in the door right next to it.
Inside, the screeching sounds of ravens and falcons welcomed his ears the moment he stepped in. The birds were in high spirits because feeding had taken place just fifteen minutes before and they were still arguing amongst each other for some of the leftovers.
He walked through the room and into the letter storage. Wondering why the layout of the upper floor forced him to walk through bird poop to get to the mail and then return through the same crap to get to the offices. They could spare a lot of cleaning time if the room functions had been swapped. Birds further in while the mail was further out.
While his mind mulled over this idea he began on autopilot to browse through the drawers. After a few minutes Madara heard footsteps walking through the bird room and knew someone was going to join him any moment.
Turning around with two scrolls still clutched in his hands, he felt his mouth lift at the corners when he spotted the person who stood in the doorway.
"Naruto." He said with a smile as Naruto walked up and kissed him on the cheek. "Who's looking after Naozumi?" He asked as he started looking through the two scrolls.
"Itama." Answered Naruto and looked curiously at the documents Madara was scrolling through.
"You left our son with that dullard?" Muttered Madara and looked up with narrowed eyes.
"He is really good with Naozumi. I don't understand why you're so against him taking care of our son for a few hours while I get a break." Said Naruto calmly back, making it clear by her tone this was not an argument they were going to have. Again…
"Naozumi is impressionable at his current age. I don't want my son picking up your idiocy along with Itama's. Not to mention Hashirama's. There is only so much Izuna and I can cancel out." Retorted Madara, but he had a teasing grin while he said this. Naruto rolled her eyes and let her hands fall to her hips.
"You're forgetting Tobirama." She sang, making Madara grumble. He couldn't really claim that Tobirama was an idiot. Tobirama was much more strict and, while the Uchiha leader would never admit it, smarter than anyone else in the village.
"Well he's gone for the present, and see what happens to his brothers while he's absent? It's about the current situation and what we subject our son to while he's at this age. Because of Tobirama's vacation Hashirama's desk is a mess and we can't find the damned introduction manual for the insult Uzushiogakure sent us. Which makes it twice as much of an insult since they are rendering us to fumbling morons while we try to figure out what the hell they actually sent." Stated Madara and snorted humorlessly at the picture that appeared in his head.
Ashina sitting in his office while smiling gleefully. Plotting his ways to humiliate Konoha as a petty revenge for the fate of his granddaughter and the confusing death of Yasu.
The idea was enough to make Madara wonder if there had been an introduction at all. Maybe they had just sent the drawing so it would confuse the hell out of them. Or it might just be the first thing they got their hands on when they realized an anniversary gift was needed for the occasion they had been invited to attend. Forgetting that the scroll translated to gibberish if you didn't have all the parts.
"What insult are you talking about?" Asked Naruto confused, looking down at the scroll that was turning wrinkly from the tight grip Madara had on it.
"The present we received for Konoha's ten years anniversary from Uzushiogkure is lacking its introduction manual. We have no idea what it is, but plenty of suggestions." Summarized Madara. He let out a sigh and started looking through a random drawer.
It was better to be safe than sorry if you were about to send an angry letter to an allied ninja village. It would be embarrassing if it turned out the manual had ended up in Hashirama's trash can because of his disorganized desk.
"Oooh! Can I take a look at it? I wonder what it is... I can help finding the introduction manual if you want me to." Offered Naruto and smiled eagerly at the curiosity she felt. Unlike Madara she had no suspicion of less than pleasant intentions from Uzu and her extended family.
Madara raised an eyebrow and turned towards Naruto. "Well… Sure. It's in Hashirama's office. If you just help me finish here we can go back together."
Naruto had no idea what she was looking for, so instead she just unsealed and sealed scrolls for Madara to look through. After ten minutes they had gone through all the drawers and were making their way back through the bird room.
"What were you doing in there anyway?" Asked Madara curiously as the door closed behind them just as a raven took off through the window.
"I felt your chakra and wondered what you were up to." Replied Naruto with a shrug. "Though I was going to go visit Izumi at first. You know how pregnant she is by now and I thought she would be happy for some help before mini Hashirama is expected. But I was kicked out after five minutes so I came to find you instead."
Madara looked sideways down at his wife, wondering what she'd done to piss off Izumi of all people. Izumi was eccentric on her own and usually she was the one pissing off others. "I'm at work. It's not like I can just leave and entertain you while you have the day off, and why not return to our adorable son." Stated Madara and grinned when Naruto huffed.
"He is in the terrible two's. He really isn't being very cooperative with me these days. He's definitely your son." Muttered Naruto and folded her hands.
"And yours..." Added Madara with a badly hidden smirk.
"It's double stubbornness." Moaned Naruto but they were both grinning "And I had already gone through the ordeal of getting a babysitter, why send Itama home before the assigned time?" Added the blonde as they entered Hashirama's office.
"Or you're trying to teach Itama a lesson for claiming that having a child was a walk in the park and that you shouldn't complain about how tired you were all the time." Suggested Madara and the Hokage looked curiously up.
"Hmm… yeah, maybe that too." Said Naruto and smirked to her husband.
"What doom did you put my brother to this time?" Asked Hashirama while he threw a scroll to the side. It rolled a few times on the desk before it fell over the side and hit the ground with a soft thunk. He left it there.
"Nothing. Just a taste of married life when you have a child." Explained Naruto and walked up to Hashirama. "I hear Konoha received a present from Uzu? Can I see it?" Asked Naruto excitedly and looked around to the sea of scrolls on Hashirama's desk and floor.
"Um..." Muttered Hashirama nervously and looked bewildered around. "It was here… Somewhere..."
Madara sighed heavily and rolled his eyes as the Hokage yet again started unsealing scrolls in his search for the drawing they'd been looking at not twenty minutes ago.
Ten minutes later they'd found the document and Naruto looked confused at first with the many descriptions and small notes littering the page. Her eyes flying up and down and sideways as she tried to make sense of it.
"It's completely intangible. Don't try to figure it out, Naruto. I doubt that if we can't figure it out that you'll be anymore able t-" Started Madara, but was interrupted as Naruto gave an astonished gasp.
"What? You know what it is?" Asked Hashirama instantly, but Naruto didn't reply, her eyes were shining and a wide smile was growing on her face.
"What? You seriously understand what the hell this is?" Asked Madara dumbfounded.
"It… It's a toilet, dattebayo! A TOILET!" Shouted Naruto and followed up this revelation by bounced up and down.
She couldn't believe it, after so many years of either relieving herself in the forest or in the old fashioned loo's they used in this time, Uzu had finally sent them a modern toilet that used proper modern plumbing! Water pipes and flusher included.
It was the best gift they could possibly have given them. Gone were the spading of old crap and burning of the bad smelling stuff. The future was on their doorstep and it included clean, fantastic and proper toilets.
Her mind went back to her old apartment from her childhood in the future, and how at the time it had seemed so modest and run down. But compared to the standards she'd gotten used to, it was a bathroom worthy of a king. Or Hokage. How easy it had been back then, how much she had once taken for granted. And now they were making a return.
As long as Naruto didn't fall back in time again this would mean she would never have to do toilet duty again!
The blonde was so lost in her fantasy she didn't register the eerie silence that followed her words, nor the look of astonished confusion on Hashirama's face.
"What… the… hell?" Seethed Madara and snapped the scroll out of Naruto's hands.
"Those ocean loving pretenders. What unpleasantness is this? Sending us a toilet? This is not just insulting, this is downright disgraceful." Fumed Madara with growing redness to his face. His Sharingan activated as he was well on his way to destroy the disdainful document.
Naruto was just on time, and if she hadn't the document would already be burnt to crisp from the sparks that flew from Madara's hand a millisecond later.
"What are you doing!" Shouted Naruto and cradled the document to her chest like it was the most precious thing she'd ever seen.
"This is a gift. An important gift that should never be harmed. Have you lost your mind? This… This is invaluable." Tried the blonde to explain, but had little luck getting the message through her adamant husband's head.
"Uzushiogakure just sent us a toilet for our ten year anniversary, Naruto! Do you have any comprehension what that indicates? You have to notice the message this gives out?!" Shouted Madara, trying to get the scroll back so he could finish the task he was set on completing.
"This is the best gift Konoha have ever received; I swear to Kami that if you harm this document you will sleep with your falcons for the next two years!" Shouted Naruto. She jumped behind Hashirama who looked confounded between Naruto and Madara who instantly started circling around him and the desk. Their eyes stalking one another as if ready to battle.
"I don't care. It's a toilet! We have Konoha's reputation to uphold. The indignity those damned Uzumaki-" Started Madara saying, but Naruto picked up a scroll from Hashirama's desk and threw it hard at Madara's chest. It made no damage but it got the message through.
"Don't insult the Uzumaki. Your wife is part Uzumaki. Your son is quarter Uzumaki. And this gift is hereby under my Uzumaki protection. This toilet is going to be installed in every building this village has as soon as possible. If I could I would have them installed within the end of this day. And this is going to take first fucking priority on the agenda list from this very minute!" Ordered Naruto, ignoring Hashirama as he leaned back in his chair with a raised eyebrow at this ridiculous situation they were currently in.
"You know I'm the Hokage right? And technically I'm the one who deci-" But Hashirama wasn't allowed to finish speaking either.
"No! I'll be Hokage within a year, you've said so yourself so I have a say in this. And you two are unqualified to make the decision since neither of you are time travellers. Of the three us, this should fall to me to decide, and I'm telling you this invention is one I've dearly missed for over twenty years!" Naruto exclaimed with steel glinting in her blue eyes. Her cheeks had turned red with a high pulse hammering through her system. Unwavering conviction radiated from her every pour.
It was as if she was reading herself for war, and Hashirama had problems connecting the image of Naruto in this state together with the subject they were discussing. It was about a toilet after all.
"What?" Said Madara incomprehensibly at what his wife was saying.
"You will allow Uzu to make fools out of us by accepting this ridiculous abomination of an invention in our village?" Seethed Madara and stopped circling the desk the same moment Naruto did.
"You don't understand! This… This means no more icky smells. No more clean-ups of..." She trailed off and gestured with her hand what she meant. "No more toilet duty. The mess just flushes away and you never see it again." Explained Naruto while Madara started shaking his head from side to side. His hand covering his face when he started comprehending just how crazy the woman he loved was.
"Maybe there is some merit to what Naruto claims. After all she is from the future." Added Hashirama, as always attempting to be the diplomatic one between them when situations like these arose. Which truthfully was about once every other week.
Madara looked outraged up into his friend's face, not believing Hashirama could be agreeing with Naruto. He was about to start shouting again when Hashirama raised his arms in surrender and continued talking. "I mean... let us make a test toilet and if what Naruto tells us is true then we can check it out before we give judgement to this… present."
"Yes, listen to the First and Second Hokage, Madara." Added Naruto, not helping her case when her mouth folded into a smug smile.
"You're not Hokage yet, Naruto. And just for this, I might take that title from you!" Snapped Madara and started pacing back and forth.
Naruto gaped, her eyes widening as she fisted the hand that was holding the scroll and instantly regretted it as the paper made crunching sound. "Oh no! Is it alright?" She said aloud while she looked through the notes and small doodles put there to explain how to install the toilet.
It was the drawing of how it was constructed they had accounted for, not the description of what it did and out of the two, this scroll was much more important than the other one.
Madara gave one exasperated glance in his wife's direction before he folded his arms and turned towards Hashirama. "Are you seriously going to give this a try? The way I see it this is an insult to Konoha. They are basically giving us a dropping stool for Konoha's anniversary." Muttered the Uchiha leader while he stared hard at his childhood friend.
"What can it hurt to just make one and wait with our judgement? I do not want to end up in an unnecessary conflict with Uzushiogakure if it can be avoided. We already have one to many arguments as it is. Mito… Yasu…" He said and sighed as he looked out the window. "And look at Naruto, she seemed quite ecstatic about this present." Added Hashirama as an afterthought and instantly broke into a snicker.
Madara shrugged and turned towards Naruto. "She can get happy at the oddest of things." He said but with less heat then earlier.
Coming to a conclusion he straightened his shoulder and let his arms fall to his side. "Fine, if this is something you'll give a try then I won't oppose it until after it's tested. But if my suspicion is proven correct then Uzu will have a handful with my wrath soon enough." He said and stormed out of the office in an overly dramatic way.
Madara always tried to get the last word in, and in the company of his two childhood friends leaving was usually the best option to achieve this.
Naruto smiled brilliantly to Hashirama.
"This is great! You won't regret it, Hashirama. In the future everyone in the whole world has this and those who don't are at a disadvantage. Thank you!" She exclaimed before she jumped out of the window as she prepared to hunt down her husband and have a conversation about priorities in life.
Hashirama couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped his lips as the silhouette of Naruto disappeared in the distance.
Naruto had taken the drawings with her and he hoped she wouldn't lose it. But after seeing her eagerness for this invention Hashirama doubted she would. Thinking of the implication of what this could achieve Hashirama nodded to himself. It didn't sound like a bad present at all if Naruto was right.
Two months later Naruto had made sure everyone within Konoha had a modern toilet. Which had severely overworked the plumbers wo later demanded double pay for the long hours the blonde had demanded of them. The house she, Madara and their son shared was the first dwelling to receive one. Which at first was much to Madara's annoyance, but he came around eventually.
Author note: Well… Toilet humour? Konoha had to get proper plumbing at some point and I can easily picture Madara getting offended if they got this as a present for Konoha's anniversary. Being flushed down the toilet comes to mind, but Madara doesn't know that term yet, so I didn't find a way to press it in if Naruto didn't say it. And she was pro-toilets, so that didn't fit.
Um… I hope it was of some entertainment at least… Yeah… I never imagined my first one shot would be about toilet humour, and I'm not even a fan of that in daily life. I blame my lack of sleep because of my exams. I should add that this was written when I hadn't slept in twenty four hours. I had a few paragraphs written already, but the rest was typed down in an hour. Writing is sort of my sleep medicine for me, and this time it resulted in…. this…
Thank you for reading! AnjoRemix was kind enough to beta this for me, which I really appreciate. There might be more in the future, but if there is that will not be for a while. I'm busy with After the Rain at the moment.
And please don't be too harsh on me because of this one shot...