A/N: Hi, I've written this part two especially for those who reviewed to tell me how little sense the fic made as a one shot - let's be honest, it didn't! Hope this clears things up! This is unbeta-d by the way, so any and all errors are my own.
Remus was glad, almost, that as soon as Sirius was relatively settled in Prongs' (or rather Lily's) kitchen, he was sent back to their flat to: "get that bloody muggle TV out of my flat Remus J Lupin or, so help me, your life will become one hell of a miserable place!". At least this way he didn't have to take the brunt of Sirius' lunatic ramblings about psychotic muggles, handbags and televisions. Maybe later, when he had calmed down considerably, and Lily surely wouldn't let him floo until he was sane again, then he could explain the whole story to Remus. Not that it would stop him wanting to have a TV, Sirius just doesn't understand how boring it is to be trapped at home all day with nothing to do! It's not like the Ministry will give him a job either.
With a loud sigh, Remus boxed up his computer too. A dull roar of flames signified that Sirius was back.
"Moony?"
"Yesss?" He hissed out the S in slight annoyance, he knew what Sirius was about to ask.
"Have you got rid of those . . . things yet?" The voice sounded much closer and Remus glanced up to see the paler-than-usual face of Sirius' poking round the door. Remus didn't reply, just gestured at the two large boxes on his bed. Sirius bit his lip.
"Are you angry with me?"
"You seemed angry enough with me." Remus kept his voice cold, after all, if he played his cards right, he might be able to keep the electronics. Sirius invited himself in and flopped on to Remus' bed, raising a hand to brush his hair out of his eyes but then realising which hand it was and lowering it in disgust.
"Well aren't you going to ask what happened?"
"Aren't you going to tell me?"
"Moooooony! Don't be moody, I'm sorry ok! But-"
"-But you have to have things your own way, I get it, fine, whatever, tell me."
Sirius spent a few seconds reading Remus' face, checking for signs that the werewolf really was angry with him. He knew he wasn't.
"Well, I was on my way to James and Lily's because James invited me over after work and as I went past this woman's house . . . She was so creepy Remus, really creepy." Sirius made a strange gesture with his hands to exaggerate the creepiness and Remus hid a smile.
"You're only saying that in retrospect." This fact was duly pointed out, James and Sirius usually twisted facts after the event.
"Whatever! Well, she asked me to come in because she needed something from a shelf and I figured that I should really go even though I really wanted to get to Lily's-"
"-Because you wanted to kill me?"
"No! Well, I was a little pissed off . . ." Remus arched an eyebrow. "Fine! Yes, I wanted to wring your little werewolf neck because you hadn't done as you'd been told!" Sirius blushed at the childishness of his words. Remus just rolled his eyes, he was used to the melodrama after three years sharing a flat with the animagus and the seven years at Hogwarts.
"So you went into this woman's house?"
"Yes! Her house stunk and I didn't realise why until . . . ugh . . ." Padfoot cringed hugely and Remus sat down on the bed next to him. He didn't want to appear comforting, but then again, Sirius always got his way one way or another.
"Do it chronologically?"
"Yeah." If it was possible, Sirius had gotten paler. "I mean, she must have been a psycho muggle – house stunk, furniture was falling to bits and she had this huge, old TV blasting out." Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Go on, roll 'em. And see how you feel at the end of my story." So he did. "Well she took me into this cupboard because she needed to get a box but it was almost pitch black in there so I just grabbed any random box, you know?" Sirius was fairly certain that Remus didn't 'know', after all, he'd never been preyed upon by some weird muggle, but he was glad that he nodded anyway.
"Then as I came out of the cupboard she started all this coughing and wheezing and her eyes were bulging and crap." Remus was amused to find tat Sirius did another bodily demonstration for this. 2she said it was something beginning with an A but I didn't-"
"Asthma? Sounds like she had Asthma."
"Yeah! And she started flailing towards her bag and talking about an inhaler. Well I didn't know what one of those was either."
"I do." Remus cut in knowledgably. Sirius felt like letting out a laugh but it would sound too forced, hysterical – and he wasn't sure he'd be able to stop.
"Well of course you do, swot."
"Shut up!" Remus still blushed as he would have done in their school days.
"But I went over to the table and got her handbag, and, ugh, it was real crocodile! What kind of sane person has real crocodile skin? Don't roll your eyes! But she was still coughing and I thought she was going to die and how bad would that look on my record? I haven't even qualified – Don't roll your eyes! So I opened up the bag and just shoved my hand in and oh Merlin Remus . . ." Sirius lay back, his usually perfect skin tinged green.
"Take it easy Padfoot! Vomit on my bed and you're in big trouble!"
"There was a look of sick shit in that bag. Don't you dare roll your eyes. There was blood, lots of blood, and," Sirius physically shivered, "A foot. AN EFFING FOOT!"
"What?" Remus blanched. Now Sirius wasn't the only one looking a whiter shade of pale.
"Who in their right effing mind has an effing foot in their effing handbag?"
"Wait . . . What? What? There was a foot in her bag?"
"Yes." Sirius rose back up so he was eye level with Remus, grey on amber and both rather shocked and repulse. The former had always been a brilliant and cunning liar but Remus couldn't deny that he was telling the truth this time . . . and there'd been all that blood on his hand back in the Potters' kitchen.
"And then the coughing stopped."
". . . I don't think I understand, you mean she wasn't having an asthma attack?"
"A what?"
"She wasn't struggling to breathe anymore?" Sirius nodded and felt a large wriggle in his stomach. "I don't get it."
"She . . ." There were more frantic hand gestures but no words came. "She- effing psycho, that's what she is!"
"Well did you call the Police? Or . . . ?" Sirius' loud snort cut him off.
"Did I balls! I apparated straight out of there!"
Remus bit back his first reaction, which was to laugh at his friend's behaviour when faced with a fight or flight situation, but he resisted and pulled out his old 'Prefect' face.
"Padfoot!" His voice was a battle between concern and admonishment. "That's highly illegal, what if she says something." Another snort came from the still rather traumatised animagus.
"Oh sure! The Police are going to take any kind of notice about a 'man that disappeared', when she has an effing foot in her effing bag! Besides! You know I always end up arguing with people in authority-!"
"-Sirius."
"-Effing psycho!"
"-Sirius!"
"Effing- What?"
Remus took a long, deep breath and encouraged Sirius to do the same.
"Sirius."
"Yes?"
"Would you like me to make some dinner?"
This startled Sirius, he was expecting some long winded lecture about the risks of apparating in front of Muggles, maybe more questions about what actually happened because there's no way that Moony, the logical, Prefectly, Sirius knew and loved would just accept the strange happenings of his afternoon with a Muggle psychopath. Not that she definitely was a psychopath, maybe she did have a perfectly good reason to saw off whoever's leg that was and then lure Sirius in to find it. Maybe she was a sexual predator. Plenty of times Sirius has noticed how sexy he is. It had been James' favourite joke in fifth year, "sometimes he has trouble resisting himself!". Or maybe it was just that TV. After all, Sirius would never condone reading but those things surely drove people to insanity.
"Dinner?"
Dinner. After the afternoon Sirius had had could he even contemplate the thought of dinner? She could have easily killed him, that muggle woman, if he hadn't of been on guard and rather magical, that's something that could put anyone off their dinner. With a shake of his too-long hair, Sirius erupted into laughter. Who was he trying to kid? He always wanted dinner.
"Please." Sirius hopped up off the bed, smiling youthfully again. "Hey, Moony, make double portions, it's not everyday that you escape from a muggle psycho – with a foot in her handbag! I suppose I should feel quite special! Wait 'til Pete hears, he won't sleep for a week!"
"Special's one word for you." The mumbled reply came, Remus taking his time to mentally adjust to the whiplash that often hits during, or just after, one of Sirius' violent mood changes.
"Hah! Special though I may be, no muggle can put this in their handbag!"
"Was that really necessary Sirius?" Remus objected as Sirius karate-kicked his door open and leapt out. While everyone else would be dramatically shaken by the experience and would perhaps need counselling, Sirius had just decided that he was some kind of God and got over it. He might need the counselling anyway though.
"I still think muggles are psychos!"
Yes, a few weeks with a Healer would just about do. Remus rolled his eyes.
"Don't roll your eyes!"
A/N: Did that make any more sense? Haha, if not just review or message me and I'll explain anything and everything :)