Author's Note:
Phew, here's chapter two! I'm sorrrryy this took so long, Elisabeth! I'm the wooooooorst. ; w;
Electric Feel
a Persona 4 (© ATLUS) one-shot
All along the eastern shore
Put your circuits in the sea
This is what the world is for
making electricity
You can feel it in your mind
Oh you can do it all the time
Plug it in, change the world
You are my electric girl
Yosuke was her first love. He was friendly and nice, and he was quick to introduce himself to her. She found him easy to talk to, to hang out with, to justbe with. With Yosuke, Erin never had to push herself or go out of her way; with him, she felt comfortable. She felt at home, and home was something she'd never had much of. For a long time, she was sure that he was the one.
But while both of them grew, some things would never change. Yosuke said he had come to peace with her death, but Erin came to realize that she would never be able to replace Saki. It might have been true — he might have accepted it, he might have moved on, he might have truly put it behind him. Erin would always have her insecurities, though, and while Yosuke might not have seen her as Saki's replacement, Erin did. She was sure she loved him, but she wasn't sure if he would ever love her as Erin Suzuki and not Saki Konishi.
Erin has dealt with enough "maybe"s and "could be"s in her life, and though Yosuke is her best friend, he can never give her that security she needs.
When Erin looks at Naoto, her stomach churns the same way it did when she first shook hands with Yosuke. Her feelings aren't fleeting, though; they're stable, if not constantly increasing. She doesn't feel like she has to prove herself to Naoto. She doesn't feel like she has to compensate for some phantom that she'll never be able to live up to. Erin has always felt inferior — whether it was to her younger twin or Saki Konishi — but with Naoto she knows that she's okay. She's okay with who she is, what she is, where she is. And it's crazy because Naoto is just perfect in every sense of the word, but that doesn't intimidate her. Rather, it elevates her.
Erin has never really contemplated her sexuality, so it doesn't bother her when she starts to realize that she likes Naoto as more than a friend. The concept of love has always been simple to Erin, probably because she'd never had much experience with it until she moved to Inaba. She'd never needed to think about it or over complicate it. Liking girls and liking boys didn't seem that different, other than their biological differences, and it never really made sense to her why it bothered Kanji and Yosuke so much.
When she asks Yosuke about it one day, he just groans and throws his head back. "C'mon, Rin-chan, you can't just ask a guy that."
She blinks at him in confusion. "Why not?"
"It's complicated." She wants to ask him why it's so complicated. Why he can't explain why it isn't okay for guys to like guys, especially when they're manly men like Yosuke. It doesn't make sense to her, not logically anyway. "I just… I mean, I guess that technically it's okay… I don't really care if another guy likes a guy, or whatever. But… Damn, I don't know, Rin-chan! I'm just a straight guy!"
What does all of that even mean? Gay, straight, bi, pansexual, asexual? They're all these confusing labels that make love out to be so much more complex than it actually is. Isn't love just love?
He smiles at her when she says that. "You're really innocent."
"What do you mean?" she asks.
Yosuke shakes his head, though he's looking at her with admiration. "I just mean that you've got it a lot easier than the rest of us, mucking everything up. You're great, Rin-chan. Oh, and good luck." Before she can ask him what he's referring to, he winks and runs off.
"Senpai."
Torrents surge up her limbs when she hears Naoto's voice. She's giving herself a frantic pep talk as she slowly turns to face the underclassmen, who's wearing an expression of great concern. "H-hey there, Naoto-kun!" Erin greets. Her voice is too shrill and too high, and her cheeks are definitely way too warm. Being in love shouldn't be this embarrassing. "Hey! How are you? I, um… I just got off work, but—"
"Senpai, please," Naoto says, cutting her off. Erin thinks that Naoto might be blushing, but she's sure it's just her own wishful thinking playing tricks on her. "Allow me to be frank. I… I am very concerned about you."
"Me?" Erin's voice is absolutely breathless.
Naoto nods; it lacks the confidence she usually displays. "Yes."
"Why?"
The word itself is simple enough, but the implications behind it begs for so much more. "You seemed very unlike yourself when we last met, and I…" Naoto clears her throat, tries to gather her thoughts in a logical manner. (It doesn't quite register yet that what she's thinking about doesn't require any logic.) "Of course, I'm worried because we're friends. I'm not very good at expressing it and I've been told a number of occasions that I must work on my execution of socializing, but… But, well, I very much treasure your friendship."
The fumbling of Naoto's words, though she sees it as a hindrance and an embarrassment, makes her words that much more genuine. Naoto had never been good at sugar coating things; her frankness, though overly logical sometimes, was never abrasive. Erin knows that she can trust Naoto, that Naoto will never try to hide anything from her.
Naoto bore everything to them in the TV, about her insecurities and fears and perceived shortcomings. Erin knows what it's like to feel inferior, to have to strive to be something better — stronger, prettier, tougher — just to get attention. Erin has never met someone else who matches her so well and contradicts all that she is at the same time. Though Naoto always came off as perfect and put together, as someone Erin had always wanted to talk to but feared rejection from, Erin is sure she fell in love with her when she saw that Naoto wasn't all that. She fell in love when she saw that the Detective Prince was just as imperfect as her.
"Thank you so much, Naoto-kun," Erin says, feeling her heart leap in her chest. "That means so much to me. You are… You are one of the most special people in my life. And it makes me so happy to know that you care about me."
"Of course I do," Naoto replies quickly.
Erin doesn't get her hopes up. She knows how deep she is, but she also knows that Naoto could never love her back — not in the way Erin loves her, anyway. She doesn't think it's because she's a girl or because they're sexually incompatible or because Naoto might still be struggling with who she really is, but because it just isn't impossible. There's no way that Naoto could love her back the way Erin so wishes she would.
"Something is bothering you," Naoto observes. "Please, Rin-senpai—"
"How do you feel about love, Naoto-kun?"
Naoto looks taken back by the question. "What of it?"
"How do you feel about it? What do you think about it? Do you think love is defined by gender or sex? I remember that you said you wanted to become a man because your sex wasn't ideal for the police force—"
"My Shadow said that—"
"But your Shadow is part of yourself." Naoto swallows thickly, but she acquiesces with a nod. Erin smiles. "These ideas about the importance of being a boy or a girl don't make sense to me. Maybe it's because I'm not smart or because I really hate Biology, but… I still don't think those things matter very much. If you're a girl and you want to be a detective, then do it. If you're a boy and you want to sew, do it. Who cares if girls don't usually do that, or if most boys don't like that kind of thing? I don't get why everyone's so stuck in these gender stereotypes, or why they have to let them dictate their lives."
Naoto doesn't say anything after Erin finishes. The brunette flushes bright red, feeling like she's gone too far, but Naoto shakes her head when Erin begins to apologize. "You're absolutely right, Senpai. I was foolish to have let my sex become a root of my insecurity. But… What is this all about? This, and love?"
Erin was beginning to wonder if she was terrible at explaining things, or if Naoto was actually this dense. "You still don't get it?" she asks desperately.
"No."
She should just say it. Say it and get it over with. The worst Naoto can do is say that she doesn't feel the same way — and Erin has already conceded to the fact that this is probably true. But actually hearing it come from Naoto's lips, with Naoto's voice… Erin isn't sure if her heart can take it.
"Senpai?"
Naoto's gasp is sharp when her hands are taken into Erin's. Her blue eyes imploringly search for Erin's grays, but the latter is focusing all her attention on the feel Naoto's skin against her own. Her touch rejuvenates her, fills her, awakens her, makes her remember that she's real and alive. Erin wishes they could be like this forever. "I love you, Naoto." She doesn't wait or listen for the response, whatever it may be, because all she can feel is a weight lifting off her chest. She only remembers where she is and what she's doing when Naoto calls her name and strokes her skin with her thumb. "Naoto-kun?"
"I've conducted many investigations since the end of the case last year… I like to believe that I've learned a lot and gained a lot of experience." Naoto's voice is soft and contemplative. It's a calm, almost cheerful tone. It's not quite like what someone should like after someone has confessed to them. "But I… I'm still very inexperienced in the ideals behind romance and relationships. It's true, in the past I tried to become a man to live up to society's standards, however, I have changed. I am myself, and I am a woman. Either way, though, I am Naoto Shirogane. I know who I am. In all this time of self-discovery, I don't believe I've every truly discovered what love is. I'm still not sure if I know what it is."
Erin tries to quell the disappointment that bubbles in her stomach and chest. "I see…"
Naoto shifts her hands so that she's grasping Erin's now. She smiles softly as she gives them a soft tug, keeping the older female in place. "But I know that I treasure your friendship very much, Senpai. And that I… That you are very special to me."
The words haven't fully registered yet, but Erin is already grinning. Her incredible elation intensifies Naoto's blush. "So you…" Naoto nods. It's not a confession, but it gives Erin hope.
Hope will never give her the full security she needs, but she thinks that maybe she's willing to take that chance.