Mother Daughter Dynamic
Chapter 2 Saying Goodbye
I don't own anything.
-It's getting angsty eh? I hope you like. Also, if I did a few different versions of this would you read them?
Abby. She'd started calling her Abby. Before she was Abby, just her, like no others existed. Now there was the baby. The child she had been fated to raise alone. Neither of them could stop crying. The days went in slow motion. In tears and in rage. Nothing made it easier and nothing could make it worse. She had lost nearly everything that had kept her going since Luka's death. Her worst nightmare had fallen right on top of her. She doubted herself when she first conceived. She doubted herself all through the months. She doubted herself when the baby was born, and then the world crashed down. It was a daughter. She couldn't handle a daughter. She'd proven that these past few days, that she was a failure, just like her own mother.
She wanted to run away from all the events. Her world had betrayed her and she was trapped in the fog of never going back. Another part of life to lead just on her own, without accomplishment, without love, without belief. She shut her eyes as she lay in bed, trying to squelch away the tears. Nothing helped. No source of enjoyment or fulfillment could wipe away the past. No pride remained in her heart, no strength. She had been reduced to a sunken bundle of flesh. She wasn't even certain if she could feel anymore. Sadness had sucked her emotions dry.
Her head turned as more bawling was heard from the room across. If only Luka was here. No, not that name… The tears started to fall again as she got out of the bed and walked across the hall. She felt like Maggie, trapped with all those emotions, unable to feel correctly. Why had she named her baby after herself? Now she was going to feel like a walking shell of nothingness for the rest of her life. She didn't even have anything to remember Luka by. As she brought the pink dressed baby into her arms and held her close she tried to grasp how it should be.
There was always 'it would be better if it never happened.' She knew it was wrong to think like that, to abandon present and future. She seemed lost inside herself, without much choice, abandoned by everything in the world. Sure, she still had her friends, her coworkers… but she didn't want to see them. She no longer had an obligation, or a soul, or any happy feeling left. Everything was just gone, just like that. Down, down, down, and it wasn't ever going to come soaring back up. She looked down at the fragile newborn, gurgling in her arms.
In all her agony she could throw against the wall, shrivel and die. If not for the baby. She wasn't strong enough to abandon all that she had left, to betray herself and her past. Besides, if she moved on there wasn't any where else to go. At least not now. And besides, she wasn't even strong enough to leave. She had learned not to run, not to submit to some better alternative. What was at hand, even if it was hard couldn't be tossed aside. She sighed, rocking the baby girl close to her chest. Her legs barely seemed to support her slim body, numb, cold as ice in the lonely house. She looked out the window at the late, dark night… bringing devastation, ugliness, fear, darkness… It was so empty, a void that never filled and could never be avoided. No one was immortal; they all just got sucked up into that void. Take me with you, she longed to beg, but it was not in His way. Why was it His way to steal away her life from her?
If she hadn't been a believer before, she didn't know what she was now. Maybe it was best to intercept it, to give it to the child. Like Luka would of wanted. No, she had betrayed him already; shut him out when she named the child of herself. She hadn't even known the truth yet but looking back, something inside seemed to of said he was gone. She had had no strength to resist, and it was as though something else had take over at the decision. "Abigail…" She could name herself a screw up now, just like her mother, that in naming the child like that she had plagued her with a life of failure and disappointment
She could only hope this wouldn't be true, a newborn with such a long life ahead of her. This was it for her, the child was getting the better chance, the better life, everything. What if it wasn't this way, so much like that nightmare… No, tomorrow it was all over for good. Tomorrow was the day for goodbyes, and they would drag her out of the house. And that would be the end of it all, just like it already felt like the end, or was the end or whatever. Everything was getting to difficult for her head; she stopped to look down to the tiny infant, quietly eating against her chest. Nothing was going to get better now, not for a long time…