Chapter two:
When Garcia stepped outside the café, she immediately felt a bit better. The chilly autumn wind played with her loose hair and helped Garcia clear her head.
She closed her eyes for a couple of moments and allowed herself to enjoy the wind on her face before she began walking home. The talk with Morgan had helped her. Grinning to herself she realized she'd just followed one of her own advices. Voicing one's thoughts always seemed to help. But in this case it also made it complicated. Just now she'd said out loud what she'd been thinking for quite a while now. It wasn't her secret anymore. Now it had become something real. Something she needed to face sooner or later.
First of all she would need to talk to Kevin. She dreaded that conversation like nothing else. Garcia was afraid of how he would react. In the last months she'd tried to recover what she once felt for him, in an attempt to save their relationship. She had a hard time imagining her life without Kevin in it, and she wouldn't want to lose him as a friend. During the years Kevin had become her best friend. And to lose that…that she couldn't bear to think about.
On top of that was the whole issue with Reid. How in the nine hells she'd managed to fall for him in the first place, she'd no idea. It had just sneaked up upon her. But it had happened.
Perhaps it was his innocence that had intrigued her. Her angel cake had always seemed so fragile in a way. He was the youngest on the team and the most unspoiled of them.
But the years in the BAU had taken its toll on him. Not even the fantastic mind of Spencer Reid was left untouched by the horrors they'd seen. When you look into an abyss long enough, the abyss looks back at you. Those words seemed written about Reid, Garcia thought. The innocence those hazel brown eyes held was slowly consumed by the darkness they travelled in each day. And Garcia couldn't stand just watching it happen.
That was why she'd started spending time with him in the first place. Her angel cake had needed something to take his mind of those monsters they hunted on a daily basis. And she had needed someone to talk to about the god-awful things she saw on her screens each day. Garcia would never get used to digging into people's secret lives. The colorful teddy bears, dolls and figurines in her tech cave all remembered her to smile. Even during the worst cases where she would almost begin to doubt the good in mankind. But she never quite did. And in that regard, Reid was an important reason.
Garcia smiled to herself as she recalled the countless hours the two of them had spend in her tech cave just talking about this and that. Somehow along the road she'd fallen for him. Somehow along the road, her angel cake had just sneaked up upon her.
After about an hour Garcia reached her front door, only to find it already unlocked. Silently she turned the doorknob, feeling her heart racing madly in her chest. In those moments, she felt the fear manifest in her as a cold hand, trying to take hold of her racing heart in a tight grasp. "I have been waiting to do this all night." a twisted voice echoed in her mind. Garcia carefully took out her pepper spray and held it at the ready. She'd refused to carry a gun. But she'd seen the reason in basic defensive methods since her attack.
As she carefully pushed the door open, her apartment gradually came into view. Candles were illuminating her living room in a soft, golden light while piano music was playing from the two speakers placed on one colorful decorated wall.
Kevin stood next to the sofa, pouring red wine into a glass. An already filled glass stood next to a plate of fruit and chocolate on the small coffee table. When Garcia stepped into the room, Kevin looked happily up at her.
"Welcome home honey.", Kevin greeted her, as he picked up the two glasses of wine and walked towards Garcia.
"You know the expression on your face at the moment is hilarious right?" Kevin said, smiling affectionately as he offered the one glass of wine to her.
Garcia just stood there, dumbfounded. For once she was at a loss for words. Everything about this surprise was sweet and thoughtful. And she knew she was supposed to feel love for him. But she didn't.
"Here, have some wine honey." Kevin said as Garcia still hadn't accepted the glass. Absentmindedly Garcia took the glass from him and sipped from it. "Thanks", she managed to say.
Kevin seemed a bit taken aback by her distracted demeanor. He managed to compose himself as he spoke up again.
"You've seemed a bit beside yourself lately. So I thought a quiet night together perhaps could do you some good." Kevin said smiling.
"Oh, t-that's lovely Kevin." Garcia answered still feeling shocked by her lack of ability to feel something about this moment. Instead she felt like a stranger, intruding on a happy moment belonging to an equally happy couple. And she knew that couple was supposed to be them.
"Come here…let's get you out of that coat." Kevin said, as he put the wine down on a small table and helped her with her coat. The gesture was an attempt to waken her from her distracted stupor.
"Come, let's sit down." Kevin said, as he leaded her towards the sofa. Once she was seated, he offered Garcia her wine again. This time she accepted it right away.
Kevin reached for the remote, and turned the music up a little bit. Then he grabbed the plate and offered Garcia to pick some food from it.
"No, thank you. I'm not hungry." Garcia said absentmindedly. She was desperately trying to find something about this situation to feel comfortable about. But she felt out of place, like she didn't belong in her own home. All the happiness and love this kind gesture represented was lost on her.
Kevin frowned as he asked with concern in his voice "What's wrong honey?"
Garcia felt even more alienated. She didn't belong in this situation, in this fantasy about a happy relationship. But she wished with all her heart that she could keep on pretending she did.
"I-I can't do this anymore" she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Kevin frowned, unsure if he'd heard her correctly.
Garcia looked down. She still held the wineglass in a firm grip, as if it was a straw she could cling on to for dear life.
When she finally looked Kevin in the eye, tears was falling from her eyes making the whole scenery one big blur.
"The truth is…" Garcia began, her voice shaky with emotion "…is that I don't love you anymore."
The words hung heavily in the air, as if they were the beginning to a wall forming between them.
"Why are you telling me this now?" Kevin demanded to know in a frustrated voice.
"Because I couldn't pretend anymore." Garcia answered quietly.
"W-What do you mean?" Kevin asked confused and hurt.
"I-I've known for a while." Garcia said, her voice turning increasingly shaky. "I've tried to figure it out, tried to find back to the love we once had." she explained. "I couldn't bear loosing you from my life, so I…I tried to fix it." Garcia continued.
"You kept me in the dark." Kevin said, his hurt feelings fuming his beginning anger.
"N-no, I-I just…You're my best friend Kevin. I can't be without you in my life." Garcia desperately tried to make him understand.
"You kept me in the dark. You pretended everything was alright. You could've at least told me before I proposed." Kevin said in anger. The wall of words between them was becoming higher and thicker.
"But I…" Garcia tried to explain further, but Kevin cut her off abruptly.
"I have obviously nothing to do here. I'm sorry for the inconvenience and the mess I made." Kevin said angrily, as he stood up from the couch, picked up his coat and walked out the door.
"Kevin!" Garcia called out after him, but all she heard was the slamming of the front door behind him.
"Kevin" she mouthed to herself.
She felt herself slowly putting the glass back at the coffee table. Next thing she knew, she laid on the couch, silently sobbing in fetal position. Her best friend had walked out that door. And the wall of words between them stood tall and seemingly impossible to knock down. In the attempt to save her friendship with Kevin, she had ended up losing him for good. Garcia cried for the loss of her best friend and for the loss of what they used to be.
How long she'd lain like that, she had no idea. But a faint knock on her door temporarily revived Garcia from her state of emotional paralysis. She picked herself up from the couch, and went to open the door.
A/N: Thank you so much for your interest in this story. Thanks a million for your subscriptions, alerts and reviews.