Happiness

Tom Branson has always thought that happiness is a goal of utmost importance, not just something that we can have as a bonus. When we pursue happiness, we also learn how to love justice, truth and honour. We cannot be happy without others, so we also have to learn how to live with fellow people in peace and friendship. He, then, cannot understand why some people constrain themselves and place happiness low on their list of priorities or pursuit it in a way that does not leave them truly happy in the end. For him, there is no happiness without freedom, no happiness without personal choice, and happiness based on imposed rules and expectations is happiness robbed out of its essence.

There is however something even more important than the pursuit of happiness – it is giving this happiness to others. He truly believes that people should share happiness with the rest of humanity and help others to achieve it. For him happiness does not entail selfishness; where there is no respect or thinking about another person, there is no true happiness.

That's why his biggest dream right now is to make her happy. He's not delusional or arrogant – he's known her for many years, she's his best friend. He knows that she could never be happy living the life her parents want her to live; she wants something else, and he can give her that. But why should she pursue it with him? He sighs, because she loves him. Yes, she's never said these three little words, but it's an unvoiced mutual understanding between them; she sends him clues and he picks them up. They know each other so well that they can do it that way. Though it doesn't mean that he does not hate it. Tom Branson believes in honesty and openness, he cannot comprehend or accept the English way of expressing emotions – indirect and restrained. The English aristocracy has even managed to take this to a next level. Yes, Sybil Crawley is not a typical aristocrat, but she was brought up in this environment and she surely does know how to use the stiff upper lip for her purposes.

He hates all this indirectness, clues and keeping your feelings at bay. He knows and understands that she's afraid of acting on her feelings, to leave the only world she's ever known behind. He's ready to wait as long as necessary. But he still hates this lack of honesty.

He believes in breaking free from society's expectations, he believes in the pursuit of happiness as long as it does not hurt anybody. He hopes that she believes in all of this, too.

It's evening already and Sybil Branson waits for her husband to come back from work. When she finally hears Tom's footsteps near the door, her heart flutters gently with delight. It truly has happened, he is finally her husband, and they will never be separated by anyone. She often has such moments, when the fullness of her happiness dawns on her, and she feels like her heart is about burst from joy. She's made it – she's finally summoned the courage to leave her old life behind. They've made it – they've faced her parents together, as an inseparable unity.

Tom's face lights up when he sees her, and his eyes shine with love for her. But there's something else written on his face – pain, a certain weariness that is hidden beneath all the (genuine) happiness. This worries her. It's the only thing that spoils her own joy – this feeling that while Tom does everything in his power to make her happy, he's not fully happy himself.

Sybil knows that it's not her fault; she also knows that he still loves her as deeply as ever and that their life together brings him the same joy that she experiences daily. No, it's not her fault. But it's the fault of people who represent her former life. The fault of people who believe themselves to be better than others.

Tom's idealistic heart aches for his country and its people. She cannot do anything to ease this pain.

Her smile fades, which casts a shadow also on his face. 'What is it, love? Are you not feeling well? Does the baby give you any trouble?' he asks, and Sybil can hear signs of worry and anxiety in his voice.

'It's not that. Everything's perfect or… almost perfect,' she answers, not willing to lie to him. After she had accepted his proposal, she promised herself that she would be more honest and open with him from now on. She intends to keep to this promise.

Tom's eyes are cast downwards. 'I'm so sorry, darling. Believe me that I'm doing everything in my power to make you happy. I will never cease to do that.'

Sybil can't take it any longer; the last thing she wants at the moment is to add to his worries. She only wants to be honest with him.

'No, you don't understand. You make me very, very happy. Happier than I could have ever imagined. But you've forgotten about one thing, darling.'

She now looks him straight in the eye, 'I cannot be happy when you are not happy, Tom. This is not possible. I'm your wife, I can recognize when you're suffering even if you're trying to hide it. Besides, you're not really good at hiding you feelings, love,' she finishes in a slightly teasing tone.

'I suppose so. We've exchanged roles, haven't we? Now you're the one who speaks about your feelings openly, and I'm the one who hides them. How ironic.'

'I suppose that my granny sees us as one great irony,' Sybil laughs.

'While your ironic granny sees irony everywhere, I think that we've exceeded her tolerated irony level.'

He finally smiles at her, then reaches for her hand. 'You're right. I just didn't want to worry you, especially in your condition. But I should be honest with you. With whom else can I be entirely open if not with my darling wife and best friend? I suppose that I really need to talk about my worries with someone, and I know that it can only be you.'

Sybil notices that his eyes are glowing not only with love for her, but also with implicit trust; she can once more feel the delicious warmth around her heart. Together they head to the room, wanting to do only one thing: to completely open their hearts and minds to each other.

By the time the day is over, Tom Branson makes amends to his philosophy (and this isn't something he does often). Happiness, he thinks now, does not only lie in being true to yourself and thinking about others - it lies also in sharing your world, all its darker and sadder aspects included, with another person.

There's not much "proper" S/T interaction in the first two chapters, but I promise there'll be more of it in future chapters :)