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Dean and I were six when our dad walked out on us. And six years after that, our mom kicked out Maqahla and Raven's dad.
When our dad left, mom moved us from the Makah reservation to La Push. She'd had a friend who had done something similar when her husband left her when she was pregnant. She had a son my age and that's how I grew up being friends with Embry. We stayed with them for a few months until mom met Tim, the girls' dad. A relative of my mother's had passed away and my mother was the only one left in her family, so we got the house.
In the beginning, everything was great. Tim was a great guy- I really believed that in time, after my childhood healed, that I could eventually call him dad. He and my mother were deeply in love. They were never married but they didn't feel the need to be, since they had everything they wanted. They lived together, they took care of each other, they took care of Dean and me.
Three years later, mom had Maqahla and two years after that, Raven came along. The house was stuffed, falling apart and we were poor as hell but I had never seen my mother so happy before in her life. The way she looked at Tim, and the way he looked at her made me believe, at 11 years old that true love really did exist.
When Raven was eighteen months old, Tim confessed to my mother that he was having an affair. And after that, my entire world turned upside down. My mother didn't fight. She didn't scream, she didn't hit him. Simply, she packed his bag and shut the door behind him. She never spoke of Tim, except quietly to the girls whenever they mentioned him. She never cried (that I saw or heard) and she never once complained. Now, four years after, I was still trying to find my footing.
And we never did see Tim again.
"What if it's a trick?" Embry said. We were leaning against a wall in the main lobby of the school, waiting for the bell to ring. I had a study hall this period and usually, I didn't go to it but Dean still had our car. I was hoping that he wouldn't diss me a second time and come back to pick me up, so Embry was waiting with me. "You know, like that movie She's All That? Like, what if he made a bet with someone that he could score a date with you?"
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, Em."
But I had thought of that. What if it was? I mean, Jared lived a few blocks over practically my entire life. We had had most classes together, and even sat beside each other a few times. On a reservation this small, everyone knows everyone. We know where everyone lives, we know where everyone works, or hangs out with. There are no secrets. But since I had never been acknowledged by him before, I guess I just thought he didnt know who I was. I was wrong...unless it was a prank.
"Do you really think he could be that cruel?" I said. Embry was pretty much my only friend, though I was so not his. He wasn't popular, since that kind of stuff didn't exist in our school-popularity, cliques; the stuff in the movies was purely that- movies. He was the only one who knew how deep my infatuation with Jared ran. But Embry was well known and well liked in the community. His mother owned and operated a popular convenience store not too far from the school. He knew a lot of people. Including Jared.
He shrugged. "Dunno. Just keep your guard up. You know where he was those six weeks he was gone?"
"I thought the rumor was he ran away."
Embry snorted. "Ran away. Sure."
"Why?"
"I saw him hanging around Sam Uley last week. That tattoo he's got on his shoulder?" I nodded and he raised an eyebrow at me. "Sam's got the same one. Odd, isn't it."
"Really?" That was a little odd. Sam was older, not in high school anymore and...well to be honest, I wasn't sure what he did for a living. But the council doted on him. Adored him. Took him in and shaped him like his father should have. But everyone knew that Sam's dad left him too. All of our dad's sucked.
"Yeah, and I saw him talking to Paul Lahote not too long ago." Embry glanced over his shoulder, into the hallway, then back at me. "Paul seemed excited."
"Maybe he's part of a cult," I said. It was meant to be a joke but Embry shrugged.
"Could be, never know anymore."
We chatted for a little while longer, until the final bell rang, ending classes. The lobby filled with students. And then there he was. Through the hustle and bustle, I watched as Embry and Jared did a once over on each other. Embry turned his back to Jared, who was making a beeline in my direction, and rolled his eyes at me, giving me a one armed hug.
"See ya later, Kimmy." I made a face at the name but waved as he went. I was thankful that Jared couldn't hear my heart beating as fast as a hummingbird's wings flapped. It had been all day since I'd last seen him and I had had time to compose myself. A little bit. He was wearing a smile so beautiful that I could have swooned if I didn't have any sort of self control. Thankfully, I did.
Jared was sexy.
He used to be lanky. His limbs were too thin and long for his body. He was like a noodle, in a sense, because he had moved so awkwardly and hadn't grown into himself yet.
The new Jared was nothing like a noodle. He was more like a rock. His shoulders were broad- he reminded me of someone who'd just gotten back from boot camp. His waist was small but obviously toned; his shirt clung in all the right places and left little to the imagination. His arms were questionable: it really looked like he swallowed small boulders and somehow, they traveled to his biceps. His hair which used to be as long as mine and almost always braided (traditional on the rez), had been chopped short and styled into a lazy point in the front.
I had the strongest urge to just run my own fingers through his hair. He had a small smile on his face, the ghost of a smirk, which was so different than the nervousness from this morning. He stood directly in front of me with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. He nodded at me.
"Hi."
I tried to swallow the lump that had formed at the back of my throat. "Hey."
"How's it going?"
"Swell," I said. He chuckled but his face was serious.
"Are you waiting for someone?"
I glanced sideways at him and the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. "Why do you want to know?"
He shrugged, smirking again. "Just curious."
"I'm waiting for my brother," I told him. "He should be here soon."
"I can wait with you," he offered. Before I could open my mouth, he took the space of wall beside me and leaned against it. I shifted uncomfortably.
"You don't have to."
"But what if I want to?"
"Why would you want to?" I said, bewildered. He shrugged his shoulders.
"Maybe I want to get to know you."
Despite the voice in my head screaming at me not too, I decided to take the plunge. "Was there something that you needed?"
Now he looked confused. "Needed?"
"Yeah." I shrugged. "Why are you talking to me?" It came out harsher than I intended it and I flushed. So did he.
"I-uh...well-I'm..." He ran a hand through his hair like he did this morning in frustration. He stopped then took a breath. When he looked at me, my heart skipped two beats and I found it difficult to inhale. This time, I couldn't look away. "I want to be your friend, Kim."
"What?" I said and laughed. But his face was genuine. I cleared my throat, a bit embarrassed. "Why now?" I felt like this was such a joke. Six weeks goes by, he comes back more beautiful than ever and now he wants to be my friend? It had to be some sort of sick joke.
He shrugged and hitched his bag higher up on his shoulder. "I guess I just opened my eyes." He stepped closer to me and put his arm around my shoulder.
If I was like any other normal teenage girl in the world, I would have sat back and enjoyed the fact that the man that I was practically in love with had his arm wrapped around me. But the heat from his skin was like a shockwave to my brain and I ripped myself away from him, gasping.
He was hot. Burning hot, like he was sick and it unsettled me. Because for the split second that his arm was around me, heat burst like a dam in my stomach and I had felt better than I ever had before. The heat coursed through my veins, from my fingers right down to my toes. I was warm.
I was already red in the face from this whole conversation, interaction- whatever the hell it was. Through the office doors, I finally saws the little silver car that Dean and I shared pull up.
"I gotta go," I said. "My ride is here."
"Kim, wait-!"
But I booked it. As soon as I pulled away from him, it was like being doused in a freezing cold shower. The heat ran from my body.
I power walked through the parking lot, dodging parked cars to get to Dean. I finally reached it, pulling open the passenger door. Sitting in my seat was a girl. Who was sucking faces with my brother. There was a small suction noise and Dean pulled away. He looked at me in surprise.
"Kim-"
But over my shoulder, I could see Jared moving quickly through the parking lot. I didn't have any time.
"Get out," I said to the girl. Her hair was cut short and her makeup was absolutely outrageous. She stared at me. "I said get out!"
The girl scrambled from the car and I jumped in her place instead, slamming the door shut in her face.
"Seriously, Kim?" Dean said. "What the fuck."
"Drive," I told him. "Right now. Drive, or I'm telling Mom that you cut class today."
I could see Jared moving faster in the side mirror, but Dean pulled away before he could reach the car. Satisfied, I leaned back.
"Oh, by the way, thanks for waking me up this morning, ass-wipe."
He shrugged, which was his normal answer for everything. I continued, staring out the window, grateful at least that I didn't have to walk home.
"And for helping me with Maqahla and Raven. The least you could have done was made their lunch, or brushed their hair-"
"Jesus Christ, Kim, give it a rest okay?" he said. "You sound just like Mom- you're not Mom!"
"I know I'm not Mom," I said. "Mom isn't even Mom right now. But at least I'm trying!"
"Oh, and I'm not?" he shouted.
"No, Dean, you're not. Actually, to me, it seems you're pretty set on keeping us all apart."
He slammed on the brakes and I flew against my seatbelt. Thankfully there wasn't anyone behind us because we were dead stopped in the middle of the road.
"What the fuck," he said, turning to glare at me. "is that supposed to mean?"
"You know perfectly well what I mean, Dean," I said. I settled back in my seat and looked straight ahead. "Drive."
"Tell me what you meant!"
"Meaning you don't give a fucking shit about any of us!" I said. I couldn't believe we were actually fighting. Dean and I never fought. "Meaning you don't care about what happens to us at all! Not me, not Maqahla and Raven, and certainly not Mom!"
I don't think I had ever seen Dean so angry before. "Are you out of your damn mind?" he said, and slammed both fists on the steering wheel. He was shaking. "You're actually being serious?"
"Yes, I'm being serious. Because if you cared about any of us, you would help me! You would settle down with a job, you would help me with the girls! I'm doing this by myself! But no, everything is always about partying, and your friends, and smoking and girls- what about your damn family, Dean?"
My throat was sore from screaming and I realized I was crying. Dean was finally quiet.
"What about me?" I said after a minute. "I am your sister. Your twin sister. Don't you care about me at all? Don't I matter to you?"
He turned to look at me and I tried to wipe the tears off my face, but he caught my wrist. He did it for me, wiping his hands on his jeans after.
"I love you," he said and I knew that he did. "But I can't- I just can't deal with any of this shit right now."
"Dean-"
"I can't."
And before I could even think to stop him, he had the car in park and was gone, down the street and disappearing into the woods, leaving the door swinging behind him.
"Dean!"
But he was already gone.
I sighed and put my head in my hands, breathing through my fingers for a few minutes. There was a beep behind me and I jumped. In the mirror, I could see someone throwing their hands up in the air from the inside of their car. I climbed over the center console into the driver's seat, waved in apology and shut the door. The car beeped again, longer this time and I drove the car off to the side of the road, letting him go around me. It was Embry. He had the windows down, pausing beside my car.
"Are you alright?"
I shrugged. "I don't know anymore."
"Do you wanna talk about it?" I really didn't and I had to get home to get my sisters off the bus so I said no. "Call me later, I guess."
I waved goodbye to Embry as he drove off. I rested my head on the steering wheel and measured all of my inhales and exhales by the ticking noise from my blinker. I sat there for a few minutes.
Dean and I had never really fought like that before. Usually, Dean would help me do anything and everything I asked him. And then usually without asking. I hated to admit it but Dean and I acted the part of father and mother to Maqahla and Raven. After awhile, he started to slip and I thought that maybe he was just forgetting- I got it, I was stressed out and forgetting things too. But I made an effort to keep us afloat whereas, after a long time, I realized that he just didn't care anymore.
A tapping on my window made me jump. Jared was leaning down, peering in at me just as my car turned off by itself. His white Ford Bronco was idling behind me. I fumbled for the window lever and only got it half way down with shakey hands. I turned the key in the ignition to the off position.
"Are you alright?" he said. I swallowed heavily and nodded.
"I thought you said you were waiting for a ride?"
I unstuck my tongue. "I was. My-my brother...we got into a fight. He ran off into the woods."
I watched Jared's eyes shift from mine to the dark trees on the other side of my car. His face grew somber. "He should be careful. There are things in the woods."
"Things?" I said. "What kind of things?"
He looked back at me, and something was different about him. My stomach quaked and then I felt different. I felt...okay. Like things were going to be okay.
"Let's just say not your average 'bump in the night' things."
I nodded like I understood but I really didn't. The clock on the dashboard read that I had five minutes before the girls got home. I jumped again, and my entire body trembled. Why was I so jittery?
"Why did you run off before?" Jared asked me as I tried to get the car going again. It turned over once and then clicked.
"I-uhh.." My mind was everywhere; my car was dead, the girls were getting off the bus soon, Jared Cameron was talking to me. Maybe I should have just stayed in bed all day.
Finally, my car started and I rolled the window all the way down. I took a deep breath.
"Look. I don't know what kind of game you're playing, or what kind of bet you made...but I don't think it's very funny. You've never spoken to me before today and we've been in all the same classes since, like, first grade. We live in the same neighborhood, for Pete's sake."
At this, he looked shocked and pleased. It made my stomach turn. I ignored him. "I have a lot of stuff going on right now, and I have to get my sisters off the bus. Please, just...leave me alone. Okay?"
The words were involuntary, and mechanical and the look on his face was bad enough to break anyone's heart. Before I could stop myself, I rolled the window up and drove off, leaving him standing there alone.
The okay feeling I had before vanished and a chill crept up on me worse than it ever had before.
Maqahla and Raven were already home when I walked through the door, which meant that I was late. Of course, my mother was home but she was sleeping and could sleep through a car bomb if possible. She would not emerge from her cave for another few hours.
The door fell off its hinges when it swung open and I hurried to catch it before it completely fell over and busted anything. I struggled with it for a second before it slid neatly into place. I had to remember to fix it. It's not like anyone would try to break into our house to begin with, but still. A door is a door.
The girls were sitting in front of the television watching Spongebob on the fuzzy set. It was going to break soon, I knew, and it was the only TV in the house. I certainly didn't have the money to spare to get another one and the girls would be upset when it eventually died. I hoped they'd like to play outside more when that happened.
"Hi Kimmy," they chorused. They didn't move or turn around.
"Hi," I said, sitting on the couch beside them. "How was school?"
Maqahla turned around first and I gasped. Raven followed suit and my jaw dropped.
"I got into a fight at school!" said Maqahla.
"I helped!" Raven chirped.
Maqahla's beautifully and normally flawless skin was marred by errant bruising. She had a small split lip in the middle of a larger bruise. Raven's eye was slowly but surely turning black, but both their eyes were shining brightly. They'd never looked more prouder of themselves before.
"What the hell happened?" I demanded. "Tell me!"
"Well, it wasn't really at school," Maqahla corrected herself thoughtfully.
"Where did it happen?"
"On the bus!" said Raven.
"What happened?" I said again. "Who hit you?"
"Shannah Quicke!" said Maqahla.
"And Tommy!" Raven said, throwing up her little fists and jumping up and down.
I put both of my hands around Raven's and pushed them gently to her sides.
"You never hit anyone, you guys," I said. "The only time you hit someone is if they hit you first."
"We did!" Maqahla protested. "Shannah and Tommy were laughing at us on the bus!"
"Why?"
"Because we had a packed lunch today," she told me. "They took our lunches and started laughing at us. Then Tommy hit Raven for no good reason and made her cry, so I punched him. Then Shannah punched me and then Raven hit Tommy-"
"Wait," I interrupted. My head was swimming. "This happened on the school bus? What did your driver say?"
"She didn't," Raven said. "It was on the back of the bus."
"What were you doing at the back of the bus?" I cried out. The back of the bus was for the older grades; the lower grades sat up front. "What were you even doing back there?"
"Shannah and Tommy took our lunches, I told you!" Maqahla said. "The driver didn't say anything. I was protecting my own! Don't you and Dean say that to each other? Protect your own? It means protect your brother or sister, right? Well, that's what I was doing!" Maqahla smiled, then grabbed Raven around the neck with her arm and Raven wrapped her arms around Maqahla's waist and I had just never seen two more excited kids before. Instead of two crying and defeated children who were sad about being beaten up, they were proud. And in turn, I was too. Though I would never let them know.
"You're not mad at us, are you?" Raven asked in a small voice.
I sighed, then pulled them both and squeezed them tightly to my chest. "I'm not mad. But if something like that ever happens again, you have to tell your bus driver."
"Okay," said Raven.
"We will," Maqahla agreed.
"What did your teachers say? Did you get your lunches back?"
"No," Maqahla groaned and held her tummy. "We were so hungry!"
"My teacher didn't say nothing," said Raven very quietly. "She just gave me weird looks."
I felt like shit. "I'm going to make dinner in a little while. Don't worry about your teachers giving you weird looks or anything like that, okay? I'm going to call the school tomorrow and let them know what happened. Don't ever be the first one to throw a punch. You only hit if you need to defend yourself. And don't be scared either, if you have to, okay? Because it won't matter if you get in trouble at school, it only matters if you get in trouble at home, right?" They both nodded. I smiled. "If you're defending yourself, you won't get in trouble at home."
"Are Shannah and Tommy going to get in trouble at school and at home?" Raven asked. I shrugged.
"Who knows? I'll call their mom too, to let her know. Why don't you get your homework done so we don't have to do it after dinner?"
They scrambled for their backpacks and I took this time to sit back for a minute. My sisters were in second and first grades. Why in the hell were older kids hitting them for crying out loud? Stealing their lunches? I felt the anger building up inside but I didn't regret telling my sisters to hit back if they needed to. Violence certainly was never the answer, but I couldn't picture my sisters cowering back in fear from someone hitting them. I didn't want to picture it and I never wanted it to happen. Protect your own.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. Today was a shit show, to say the least. Dean was still gone and Mom was still sleeping. I had to be to work in two hours. My life was hectic and frantic but today had been a big ball of anxiety. I was still cold.
