Disclaimer: To those who dare to read the following, May you know this: I own none of the concepts espoused below. All material relating to Harry Potter, including some of the quotations, is the property of J.K. Rowling. Materials concerning Star Wars belong to George Lucas. The few references to the Lord of the Rings belong to Professor Tolkein. The Nostromo is the property of 20th Century Fox's epic Alien. All characters within this play are strictly fictitious. Any resemblances they may bear to real people are purely coincidental. Enjoy, and Se Gap Lai Nhe.
A Short While Ago in a Galaxy Not Too Far Away…
Magic Wars Episode VI: Return of the Dark LordLord Voldewalker has returned to his home nation of England in an attempt to rescue his friend Bill Solo from the clutches of the vile gamekeeper Hagga the Hutt. Little does Lord Voldewalker know that the MINISTRY EMPIRE has begun construction on a new electric green space station even more powerful that the first dreaded Dark Mark. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore freedom to the planet…
Scene I: A view of the second Dark Mark while in the closing stages of construction. The Hungarian Horntail Command Ship suddenly comes into view. From a landing bay inside, a flying carriage flies towards the Dark Mark. Two Dwarf Troopers flank it.
Dwalin: Ahoy Dark Mark. Lord Serpent Tongue's carriage is coming through.
Balin: (Aboard Dark Mark) Right-o. Inform the Commander that Lord Serpent Tongue is coming aboard.
The carriage pulls into the dock. Darth Serpent Tongue exits the carriage.
Moff Crabbe: Lord Serpent Tongue, this is an unexpected pleasure. We are honored by your presence.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Cut the garbage, Crabbe. I am here to get you back on schedule.
Moff Crabbe: But my Lord, we are already one month ahead of schedule. At the rate we are going, the Dark Mark will be completely secured and invincible within a week.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Yeah, that's the problem. If we are invincible, then the rebels will attack and lose. If the rebels lose, then we have no story. Therefore, we have to be beatable. It is only fair, after all.
Moff Crabbe: So you're upset that the rebels will not be able to beat us? That's asinine.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Actually, the Emperor is. You can take up your grievances with him when he arrives. I have no doubt that he could find new ways to demotivate your men.
Moff Crabbe: Fine. We'll make this station vulnerable.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Thanks.
Scene II: A view of the deserts surrounding Hagga the Hutt's Hut. K-3R0 and N2-G2 slowly make there way up to the hut to negotiate the release of Lord Voldewalker's friend Captain Bill Solo.
K-3R0: Why is it that poor Kreechio is always sent to run unpleasant errands? Why?
N2-G2 sniggers heartily. Kreechio scowls.
K-3R0: Shut it, you. If I told you half the things I've heard about that filthy half-breed, Hagga the Hutt, I daresay you would slither on home. Anyway, it's been half an hour since Carlo Calweasleyan and that great oaf Lupebacca went in search of this awful place.
They reach Hagga's hut and knock on the door. It opens and they walk inside, where they are met by Hagga's right-hand man (for lack of a better description), the giant spider, Bib Araguna. He is leading a contingent of five Minotaurs.
Bib Araguna: What do you want?
K-3R0: We bring a message for Hagga the Hutt.
Bib Araguna: Well I suspected that. Follow me.
Bib Araguna leads the two witless servants to Hagga the Hutt's main audience chamber.
Bib Araguna: Hoi, Hagga. These two blokes have a message for you.
Hagga the Hutt: Yar. Whart dar yar warnt?1
K-3R0: Give him the message, you witless lump.
N2-G2 regurgitates a holographic projector. She then presses the play button. As if by magic, Lord Voldewalker appears.
Lord: Greetings, Hagga dear. I am Dark Lord Voldewalker. I really, really want my friend Bill Solo back. With that in mind, I would be very, very happy if you would just put him in a box and mail him to the Rebel Alliance Headquarters. As a token of my good will, you can have my two servants. Neither of them are hardworking, and they likely won't serve you well. Cheerio.
Voldewalker disappears. Hagga and his entourage laugh hysterically.
Hagga the Hutt: I darn't warnt tar garve arp mar farvarite warll darcarartion. Barhard, Carparn Bill Sarlo.2
K-3R0: Ooh, interesting. I've never seen someone hang a petrified person upside down before. I like it. I like it a lot.
Hagga the Hutt: Rart. Yar tar are garnna wark arn mar flyarng carriage. Arkay? Gard.3
K-3R0 and N2-G2 are taken to Hagga's flying carriage. In the meantime, Hagga's band plays ghastly songs while the captive Hermione Granger dances for Hagga. Hagga attempts to pull Hermione closer to him, but she refuses to budge and he pushes her down the trapdoor to Fluffy's lair where they watch as she is torn to pieces. Their entertainment is short-lived as the front door is blown off its hinges revealing a heavily veiled bounty hunter and a ragged werewolf.
Hagga the Hutt: Ar, mar. Barhard thar marty Larparbarcca! Ar warr garve yar tar marllarn garliarns.4
Bounty Hunter: Ten million. No less.
Hagga the Hutt: War?5
Bounty Hunter: Because if you don't I'll turn your beard pink.
A terrified silence descends over the occupants of Hagga's hut. The notorious bounty hunter Nevillo Fett pulls out a wand blaster and points it at the bounty hunter.
Hagga the Hutt: Farn. Farty marllarn. Thart's mar farnal prarce.6
Bounty Hunter: Okeedokie.
Later that night, the mysterious bounty hunter goes to Hagga's now vacated audience chamber and cuts Bill Solo's bonds. He falls to the ground in a heap. The bounty hunter forces open Bill's mouth and pours a mandrake draught down his throat. Bill shudders and wakes up.
Bill: Who are you?
Fleur: (Pulls off her scarves, veils, shawls, etc.) Someone who loves you very much.
Bill: Fleur?
Hagga the Hutt: Har, har, har!7
Bill: Hagga, is that you? I have your money.
Hagga the Hutt: Ar darn't care. Yar mar harve barn ar gard smarggler, bart nar yar Flarffy fard.8
Bill is taken to the dungeons under Hagga's hut with Lupebacca. In the meantime, Fleur is forced into a skimpy bathing suit and chained to Hagga's chair.
The next morning, Lord Voldewalker arrives to help.
Bib Araguna: Who are you?
Lord: I am Dark Lord Voldewalker. Take me to your chief.
Bib Araguna: No.
Lord: Yes. Take me.
Bib Araguna: No.
Lord: Don't take me in.
Bib Araguna: Oh yes, I will.
Lord: Please don't.
Bib Araguna: Excuse me, but I am the footman here and what I say goes.
Bib Araguna grabs Lord Voldewalker in his jaws and carries him to Hagga's main audience chamber.
Bib Araguna: Hagga! Wake up Sleepyhead. Lord Voldewalker has come to see you.
Hagga the Hutt: Ar tarld yar nart tar brarng harm arn.9
Lord: I must not be allowed to speak.
Bib Araguna: He must be allowed to speak.
Hagga the Hutt: Yar farl. Har's uarsaring arn arld Dark Lard marndlarss trark.10
Lord: But speak I will. You will give me Captain Solo and his friends…with the exception of K-3R0 the house elf. You can have him.
Hagga the Hutt: Har, har, har. Thar warl bar nar darl Dark Lard.11
Fleur: Watch out. You're standing near the Fluffy pit.
Lord: I'm sure there is. I suppose that that "X" marks the spot of a trap door leading to Fluffy's chamber.
Voldewalker walks right on top of the "X." He proceeds to start jumping on top of it and taunting Hagga. Hagga is unamused and sends Voldewalker down to Fluffy's chamber.
Lord: Ooh! Look at the big puppy. Wait, oh no! A three headed dog? Help me! Ahhhh!
Fleur: Just whistle or play some music. It will put him to sleep.
When it becomes evident that Voldewalker isn't capable of doing anything at all, Fleur begins whistling the theme to the Andy Griffith Show. The rest of Hagga's entourage joins in, excitedly. Fluffy falls asleep, and Voldewalker, being hungry as usual, sets to work preparing Fluffy as his evening meal. Once everyone in Hagga's Hut is properly fed and watered, which took an astoundingly short time, Hagga returns to his senses.
Hagga the Hutt: Dard yar jarst art mar darg? Har dare yar! Brarng tar warwarlf arnd Carptarn Sarlo. Thar arll warll sarfar far thars artrarge! Yar arll warl bar brarght tar thar Shartlarnd Iarsles far ar Care arf Margarcarl Crartares Larsaron.12
Hagga the Hutt and Co. board Hagga's flying carriage. They fly to the Shetland Isles and stop before a giant pit. Housed in the pit below is a monstrous Sheltie, called "The Almighty Pringles," or Diggy for short.
Lord: Ooh. Look at the giant Doggie. Hagga must be a nice guy. I always liked Care of Magical Creatures and now I get my own personal lesson.
Bill: It was a euphemism, you mindless twerp. Somehow, I think it's going to eat us.
Lord: Don't worry. Its eating grass. Anyway, stay close to Carlo—he's the one dressed in ugly plastic armor. I'm taking care of everything.
Hagga the Hutt: Parsh tharm arn!13
Just as Lord Voldewalker is about to be pushed in, N2-G2 spits out his wand-saber. N2 uses it to successfully kill some of Hagga's entourage. Some are knocked into the Almighty Pringles' den. Pringles eats them. Nevillo Fett flies over to where Voldewalker is, but trips over his feet and is swallowed whole by the Sheltie. Fleur uses her restraining harness to strangle the abominable Hagga. However, Carlo slips and Pringles begins to pull him under.
Bill: Carlo, stay still. Bad Dog! Bad Dog! Not good Pringles!
The Almighty Pringles suddenly bows her head and looks ashamed. Carlo climbs back up.
Lord: Well, its no use using this carriage, so let's get everyone together and take a portkey back. Everyone here. Good. On three—one, two, three.
Suddenly, the group of Bill, Fleur, Carlo, Voldewalker, N2-G2, Lupebacca and K-3R0 fly forward. Unseen by all, Pringles began to convulse and regurgitated a hairball. Intertwined in the slimy mass of fur and grass was a now very angry bounty hunter named Nevillo Fett.
Scene III: Voldewalker and N2-G2 return to the Mordor System to meet with Dark Lord Sauron. Fleur & Co. return to the Rebellion's not-so-secret rendezvous point. Unbeknownst to all, the Emperor set up residence in the only halfway constructed Dark Mark.
Emperor Scrimgeour: Hello, my old friend.
Darth Serpent Tongue: The Dark Mark is now behind schedule.
Emperor Scrimgeour: You've done well, Lord Serpent Tongue. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for Young Voldewalker.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Actually, I'd like to start up my own pork chop shop.
Emperor Scrimgeour: No, actually you want to continue your search for Young Voldewalker.
Darth Serpent Tongue: No, I don't.
Emperor Scrimgeour: No, you don't want to search for him.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Oh yes I do.
Emperor Scrimgeour: No, you don't.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Yes, I do and I won't take no for an answer.
Emperor Scrimgeour: Patience my friend. In time, he will seek you out, and when he does, you must bring him before me.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Okeedokie.
Emperor Scrimgeour: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
Scene IV: In Mordor…
Sauron: A strange suspicion I have. Die soon, I think I will.
Lord: I say that was random.
Sauron: Random, it was. Die I will.
Lord: But why? I thought you could not die while the ring remained.
Sauron: This old thing? Received it, I did. Given it by a Doctor, I was. Made up a bunch of gibberish to feed to tourists like yourself. A good advertising ploy, that was: "Buy Rings of Power." Of no use are they really.
Lord: But, but, but I want to finish my training.
Sauron: No training do you require.
Lord: Then I am a Dark Lord?
Sauron: No. One thing remains for you to do. Serpent Tongue. Defeat him you must. Underestimate the Emperor you must not. When gone am I, the last of the Dark Lords will you be. Pass on what you have learned. The Porsche runs stong in your family. There is another…Vol-de-walker…
Sauron dies. Voldewalker walks back to N2-G2 and his broomstick, distraught.
Lord: I can't do it. I can't kill my Great-great-great-great-great-great…Grandfather. I can't go on alone.
Godric: We will always be with you.
Lord: You lied to me. You told me that Serpent Tongue killed my Great-great-well, you know.
Godric: You-Know-Who was seduced by the Light Side of the Porsche. He ceased to be Salazar Slytherin and adopted a really stupid title. When that happened the good man Salazar was destroyed. So, what I said was actually true, according to a certain point-of-view.
Lord: A certain point-of-view. Ahha. You're just afraid of admitting you were lying.
Godric: Whatever. I don't care.
Lord: Sauron spoke of another Voldewalker.
Godric: He was referring to your twin sister.
Lord: I don't have a sister.
Godric: Hmm. To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your Great-great-well, You-know-who when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, that if Salazar had any surviving offspring that they would be a threat to him. That's why most of them were killed. That is why your sister remains safely anonymous.
Lord: Fleur. Fleur is my sister.
Godric: No, no. Definitely not.
Lord: Well, if she is not, then who is?
Godric: Do you remember when you went to elementary school, you found a secret janitorial closet that you called the "Chamber of Secrets." You hid your pet snake in there and told everyone that it was the creature in the chamber. Well, a young girl named Myrtle Groggins stumbled on it and was eaten. After that, her spirit worked in the employ of Hagga the Hutt as a member of his band, until you destroyed it. So now, she is dead and unemployed.
Lord: Well, that was random.
Godric: Voldewalker, you dolt. "Moaning" Myrtle Groggins is/was your sister. Because of your little joke, you are now our only hope. Now go along to the rendezvous point like a good little weirdo.
Scene V: At the rendezvous point at Minsk…
Hel Huffa: Hello all. The Emperor has made a stupid mistake and, therefore, the time for our attack has come. We have the location of the new Dark Mark. With the Imperial Dragon fleet scattered across the Earth, it is relatively undefended. Furthermore, its weaponry is not completely functional. Most importantly, Emperor Scrimgeour is currently aboard the Dark Mark. Admiral Shunpike, if you please.
Admiral Shunpike: This 'ere Dark Mark (refers to a diagram) is currently somewhere near the Forbidden Forest. As she just said, its weapons don't work too well. However, its protected by, hoi, Ern what did choo say it was protected by?
1st Mate Ernie: Ar, an energy shield.
Admiral Shunpike: Ay, what he said. With our flying carriages, we can create a perimeter. Then our broomstick and thestral brigades can fly in this 'ere Dark Mark and knock out the main power source. General Calweasleyan has to lead the assault.
Bill: Good luck. You're going to need it.
Admiral Shunpike: Hoi, what choo think you're doing? I'm s'posed to be doin' the talkin' 'ere.
Bill: Oops. Sorry.
Admiral Shunpike: Hoi, General Slughorn…
General Slughorn: Some of our lads used my Felix felices to get information from inside the Ministry itself. Well, we outdid ourselves quite nicely. We stole a small imperial carriage. We'll use this and a stolen imperial code to land a strike team in the Forbidden Forest. Then we can knock out the energy shield.
K-3R0: Hmmm. Hopefully who ever we send gets killed, nasty blood traitor brutes.
Fleur: Well, on that cheerful note, I wonder who's being sent?
General Slughorn: Bill, m'boy. Are you ready?
Bill: Yeah. I have a small group assembled, but I don't have a crew to fly the carriage.
General Slughorn: Hmmm. The company aboard the carriage should be six, because this is Episode VI. With this in mind, you should go with Princess Fleur, Lupebacca, K-3R0, N2-G2, and …
Lord: And me.
Admiral Shunpike: Hoi, Ern. Do choo know who that is? That's Lord Voldewalker. 'E's mighty famous.
Lord: I know. Well, let's get this show on the road.
Later on, at the Minsk landing area…
Bill: Hey, Carlo. I want you to take the Flying Ford Falcon. You'll need all the help you can get in this battle, and I can't use her. At any rate, if you damage her, I'll just take the amount of the damages out of the Dragon Keeper's Colony.
Carlo Calweasleyan: Okay. Why not.
Bill: Okay. Let's see what this piece of junk can do.
Bill and Co. board the Imperial Carriage and fly off towards the Forbidden Forest, whilst Carlo Calweasleyan and Co. remain behind.
Scene VI: Bill Solo & Company approach the Dark Mark. Hovering near the half-finished battle station is an Imperial Horntail Command Ship. As they approach, they receive a transmission from the Horntail concerning their reasons for approaching the Dark Mark, and the Forbidden Forest.
Lord: Ooh. Look at the pretty battle station.
Bill: Quiet you.
Admiral Peeveset appears on a two-way mirror.
Admiral Peeveset: Ahh. Ickle rebels, what fun. What do you want?
Bill: We'd like to request permission to enter the Forbidden Forest, so we can blow up the shield generator.
Admiral Peeveset: I thought as much. First, you must answer a riddle. What has eight legs and is a fast draw?
Bill: We'll have to get back to you on that—to others—well, do any of you have the slightest idea?
Lord: Serpent Tongue is on that Horntail.
Bill: Now don't get jittery, Voldewalker. There are a lot of Horntails in the area. Keep your distance Lupey, but don't look like you're avoiding them.
Lupebacca: And how do I do that precisely?
Bill: I don't know. Fly casually.
Admiral Peeveset: Well?
In the background, Bill hears Lupebacca snarling at him saying, "Bill, you're a squid."
Bill: Lupey, you're a genius! Billy the Squid.
Admiral Peeveset: Correct. You may proceed.
Enter Darth Serpent Tongue…
Darth Serpent Tongue: What the heck was that all about?
Admiral Peeveset: Somehow, I suspect that ickle Rebels have penetrated the shield.
Darth Serpent Tongue: And what would give you a bizarre idea like that?
Admiral Peeveset: Because, I let ickle Rebels pass thru the shield.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Oh. Well, that makes sense. I must tell the Emperor this.
Darth Serpent Tongue contacts Emperor Scrimgeour using his two-way mirror.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Good morning Scrimgeour!
Emperor Scrimgeour: Yeah, what? You have a really nasty knack of waking me up at awkward times. You do know that don't you?
Darth Serpent Tongue: Yeppers. I think that some Rebels have penetrated the shield and landed in the Forbidden Forest.
Emperor Scrimgeour: So?
Darth Serpent Tongue: Well, isn't it possible that they are going to blow up the shield generator so that the remaining Rebels can blow up the Dark Mark?
Emperor Scrimgeour: Yeah, I suppose. You ought to go to the Forbidden Forest. I think your Great-great-great-…Grandson will come to visit you.
Darth Serpent Tongue: He will visit me?
Emperor Scrimgeour: Why are you repeating what I said? Weren't you listening the first time? Dag nab it. Yeah, he will come to you because he wants you to replace the jellybeans you stole and ate. He will come to you, and you will bring him to me. Understand? Good.
Scene VII: On the forest-covered continent of the Forbidden Forest…
Bill: Why, look—Dwarf Troopers!
Lord: Well, I suppose I ought to kill them. Come on Fleur.
Bill: Okay. If you insist. Lupey, you and I are going to wait here with those two witless servants. The rest of the Rohirrim can move to the rendezvous point.
Lord Voldewalker and Fleur chase the Dwarf Troopers. Voldewalker trips over his feet and looses consciousness. Fleur eventually defeats the Dwarf Troopers, but collapses due to exhaustion in a clump of trees far from the rest of the Alliance.
A short while later…
Fleur: Stop poking me. Urgh. Stop it!
Fleur rolls over to see a centaur standing over her.
Fleur: What the blazes are you?
Firenze: Mars is bright tonight. Unusually bright.
Fleur: What?
Firenze: Mars the bringer of war has descended upon the Forrest. A mighty battle begins.
Fleur: Well, isn't that peachy. Would you like a cookie?
Firenze: The forest hides many secrets. So, I suspect, do you.
Fleur: Whatever.
In the distance, the harsh cries of Dwarves are to be heard.
Dwarf Troopers: Khazad! Khazad ai menu! Dwarves!
Firenze: Get on my back, human. We must flee to the village.
With that, Fleur and Firenze ride off into the sunset. Meanwhile…
K-3R0: Excuse me, General Solo. N2 and I have found a nasty, blood-traitor brute in the woods.
Bill: Bring him here.
They enter, carrying Lord Voldewalker draped over their backs.
Bill: Voldewalker, where's Princess Fleur?
Lord: I don't know. I tripped over my feet and can't remember why we are even here. I want to go home.
Bill: Well, I guess that means that we have to look for her then. Come on, guys. Let's start our search.
K-3R0: Why don't we just leave that nasty maggot here and surrender to some respectable pureblooded Ministry official?
Bill: Shut it, Kreechio. Hey Voldie. What's wrong?
Lord Voldewalker walks off the main path in the Forbidden Forrest to a large bag of jellybeans, apparently floating in mid-air.
Lupebacca: I have a bad feeling about this.
Bill: Voldewalker, NO!
Bill's warning came too late. Voldewalker made a grab for the jellybean bag and ended up getting his friends and himself caught in a net ten feet above the ground.
Bill: Good work, Voldie. Always thinking with your stomach.
Lord: How are we going to get down from here? This is all your fault Bill. You just wanted those jellybeans for yourself.
Bill: Don't be a fool, Voldewalker, or at least don't be any more of a fool than usual.
While Bill and Voldewalker argue like angry cats, N2-G2 bites thru the netting, which sends them all falling to the ground. Suddenly, a horde of angry centaurs appear, led by Chief Magorian.
Chief Magorian: Who are you who dares trespass on our lands?
Bill: Hey, don't you point that crossbow at me.
Lord: Ooh. Look at the pretty talking horses.
Bane: Horses! Horses! We centaurs are an ancient people and we will not tolerate your insolence or human invasions. We…
Before he could finish his tirade on what centaurs are and what they aren't, K-3R0 gets up.
K-3R0: Oh, my head. What would my poor mistress say. Poor, poor Kreechio. By golly, what are those?
Bane: It is just as the stars have foretold. A strange creature would come among us and lead us to greatness.
The delegation of centaurs bows to Kreechio, who appears to enjoy his newfound fame.
K-3R0: Oh, my. Apparently, they think I am some sort of god. Right-o, gents. Take these nasty creatures of filth to your village. I'm hungry.
The centaurs take Lupebacca, N2-G2, Lord Voldewalker, and Bill Solo back in chains, whilst Kreechio is accorded a position of honor.
Bill: What are they doing?
K-3R0: Well, I'm rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it seems that you are going to be the main course in a banquet in my honor.
Lord: Oh, no. I don't want to die. Help me!
Bill: Could you use your newfound status as a near-deity to help us out?
K-3R0: I could, but I'm just so tired.
Kreechio stifles a very large, and obviously fake yawn.
Lord: Kreechio, tell them to release us or you'll become angry and use some of your magic.
Chief Magorian: You know, we can understand English.
Lord: Oh.
Lord Voldewalker uses the Porsche to make Kreechio levitate off the ground. Furthermore, he makes the centaurs' horseshoes become rusty and uncomfortable and he turns Magorian's hair a vivid shade of pink. The other centaurs laugh at Magorian, who decides to release everyone. Fleur enters, and Bill hugs Fleur, and everyone is happy, for the moment.
Chief Magorian: You know, I have decided to name you honorary centaurs.
Bill: Oh, great. Just what I've always wanted. We will need your help defeating the Empire.
Chief Magorian: We know. It has been foretold.
Lord Voldewalker leaves the main audience chamber. Fleur follows him.
Fleur: What's wrong Voldie?
Lord: Do you remember your mother?
Fleur: Yeah. Why?
Lord: Just asking.
Fleur: Voldewalker, what's wrong?
Lord: Serpent Tongue's here, now in this forest. He's come for me. He knows when I am sleeping. He knows when I'm awake.
Fleur: Let me guess. He knows when you've been bad or good.
Lord: How did you know that?
Fleur: He sounds more like Father Christmas than the central villain in this tale.
Lord: Well, I must find him and recover my jellybeans, or at least receive some sort of compensation. He is my Great-great-great-great…Grandfather.
Fleur: So?
Lord: Well, that's not all. If I don't make it back, then there's no hope for the alliance. The Porsche runs strong in my family. I have it. My Great-great-great-great…Grandfather has it. My sister had it.
Fleur: I'm not your sister.
Lord: Grrr. I thought I had you going that time. No, you're not. I must recover my jellybeans. Good luck. I shall return.
Lord Voldewalker exits. Enter Bill Solo.
Bill: What's going on?
Fleur: You know, Voldewalker is an idiot.
Bill: Finally caught on, have you. Took you long enough. I realized that in Episode IV.
Scene VIII: In another part of the Forbidden Forest…
Oin: Lord Serpent Tongue, this is a Rebel that surrendered to us. Though he denies it, I think there may be more.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Why?
Oin: Because that fellow back there is a real winner.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Very good, Commander. Continue your search.
Oin exits.
Darth Serpent Tongue: So you have come. It is just as the Emperor has foreseen.
Lord: I want compensation for the jellybeans that you ate.
Darth Serpent Tongue: No. Forget it. You will join the Light Side of the Porsche, like me.
Lord: Come on, Gramps. I will not turn.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Fine. Be that way. Don't call me "Gramps."
Scene IX: Near Minsk, the Rebel Alliance is beginning to fly towards the Dark Mark. Meanwhile, in the Forbidden Forest, Firenze and the centaurs lead the Alliance to the backdoor of the Shield Generator.
Bill: More Dwarf Troopers. Grrr. Lupey and I will handle this.
K-3R0: No need, filthy brute. Look.
Bill: Oh, no.
They watch as a steely-grey centaur rides behind the Dwarves and makes a good deal of noise. The Dwarves chase after the centaur.
Bill: Not bad at all. Fleur, Lupey, follow me. You two idiots stay here.
They no sooner walk in when a company of Dwarf Troopers surrounds them.
Bill: Oh, darn. I hate it when this happens.
Scene X: Aboard the Dark Mark…
Emperor Scrimgeour: Welcome, Young Voldewalker. I have been expecting you.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Emperor, this is his wand-saber.
Emperor Scrimgeour: Ah, the weapon of a Dark Lord. Very similar to that of your Great-great-great-ah heck with it. Very similar to Salazar Slytherin's. By now, you must know that we are the primary villains, here.
Lord: Yeah, I figured that.
Emperor Scrimgeour: Well, now to business. We will now discuss your future as we eat this scrumptious feast. There is a time for speeches, and this is not it.
Lord: Oh, thank goodness. I thought you were going to try to convert me to the Light Side of the Porsche.
Emperor Scrimgeour: We'll do that later. Now, however, we'll eat while the battle begins.
Lord: Yea!
Scene XI: Outside of the Dark Mark, the Rebel Fleet has now arrived.
Carlo Calweasleyan: Hoi, Ron-bot. Can you get a reading on whether the shield is up or not?
Ron-bot: Negative. They are using occlumency against us. We are being mentally blocked.
Carlo Calweasleyan: Well, why would they be blocking us…unless they knew we were coming? Admiral Shunpike, the shield is up. Stop the attack!
Barty Antilles: I get no reading on it. How do you know?
Carlo Calweasleyan: Turn around you fools!
Admiral Shunpike: Garn. Ern. Lookie 'ere. There must be 'bout a 'undred of those 'orntail battleships out there. It's a trap.
Carlo Calweasleyan: Imperial Short snouts coming in.
Meanwhile…
1st Mate Dennis: Admiral, our Horntail battleships are in position.
Admiral Peeveset: Hold here.
1st Mate Dennis: We're not going to attack? If we were, we could incinerate the entire Rebel fleet in minutes.
Admiral Peeveset: Nope. I got my orders from Emperor Scrimgeour, himself. We are to stay here and keep ickle Rebels here.
On board the Dark Mark…
Emperor Scrimgeour: Would you like to see some entertainment whilst we feast?
Lord: I do say, you Imperial people do think of a Dark Lord's wants and needs. Yeah, why not?
Emperor Scrimgeour: Okay, then. Let's see a little light display. Moff Crabbe, you may fire at will.
Moff Crabbe: Fire!
The Dark Mark opens its mouth and a long, green serpent exits it, swallowing one of the Rebel carriages whole.
Lord: Ooh. I say, what pretty colors.
Meanwhile…
Carlo Calweasleyan: That blast came from the Dark Mark. That thing is operational.
Admiral Shunpike: We've got to get out of 'ere.
Carlo Calweasleyan: If we turn back now, we'll never get another chance at this.
Admiral Shunpike: General Calweasleyan, we can't repel a blast like that. We don't have the means.
Carlo Calweasleyan: Let's just give Bill some more time.
Scene XII: In the Forbidden Forest, the situation looks grim. Bill & Co. have just been captured by the dreaded Imperial Dwarf Trooper Corp. They are taken to a clearing outside of the shield generator shack, where they see a massive army of the Emperor's best-trained Dwarf Troopers. Some of these are mounted on Imperial Acromantulas. Just when Bill thought the situation couldn't get any worse, it appeared to do just that.
K-3R0: Hello down there. We surrender. Come up here and take us to your Chief.
Oin: You two, take those weirdoes. Now!
Ori: Hands up, gents, or I'll put a dent in your head that even a house elf will find hard to deal with.
K-3R0: Hmm, Mwahhahahhahahhhha.
A horn sounds in the distance. All of a sudden, a shower of arrows rains down on the Dwarf Troopers as Chief Magorian begins his attack on the Dwarves. Enheartened by this display, Bill Solo attacks the nearest Dwarf and steals his weapons. When the attack begins, an iron gate closes, sealing off the entrance to the Shield Generator Shack.
Bill: Oh, dear. We are in trouble now, aren't we?
Fleur: We'll need N2 to bite thru the bars. N2, can you hear me. We need you over here.
In another area of the Forest…
K-3R0: And where do you think you're going N2-G2? N2 come back, foul serpent.
Fleur: Here comes N2.
They make a space for N2, but she cannot bite thru the bars because they are electrified. A partially fried N2 falls over backwards and attempts to recover. Meanwhile, Lupebacca jumps on one of the Imperial Acromantulas and leads it on a murderous rampage that ends in destroying the remainder of them. As a whole, the Rebels are doing very well.
Bill: You know, I could just try to cut thru the bars with these wire cutters.
K-3R0: And why didn't you do that before, you stupid, wicked blood-traitor?
Bill: Because I forgot. Sue me, why don't you.
K-3R0: I think I will. You'll be hearing from my lawyer shortly.
Bill: Whatever.
With the help of Princess Fleur, Lupebacca, and a revived N2-G2, Bill manages to cut open the iron gate and blow up the Shield Generator Shack.
Scene XIII: Outside of the Dark Mark, the Rebel Alliance is making a valiant effort to defeat the Empire.
Carlo Calweasleyan: Behold, the shield is down. Alright flyers, let's head towards the left ear. I told you he'd do it.
Ron-bot: That you did, Sir.
Admiral Shunpike: 'Scuse me sir, but what do we do?
Carlo Calweasleyan: Well, you could attack and finish off as many of the Imperial Horntails and Short Snouts as possible. It would serve to buy us some time.
Admiral Shunpike: Right-o. Choo 'eard 'im Ern. Let's 'ead to the Imperial 'orntail.
1st Mate Ern: Ar.
They attack the Imperial Horntail and destroy the shield charm that had been protecting its head.
1st Mate Dennis: We've lost the shield charm.
Admiral Peeveset: Yeah. What do you want me to do about it? I'm only a poltergeist, if I may remind you.
1st Mate Dennis: Oh, right. I forgot. Keep breathing fire, boys. We have to keep the Rebels from breaking thru.
Suddenly Elfwine comes into view. In a daring kamikaze style move, he flies his thestral straight at the Horntail.
Elfwine: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
1st Mate Dennis: Incinerate him. Now.
Admiral Peeveset: Too late!
Elfwine swings his mighty sword and causes terrible damage to the Horntail's head. The crew of the Imperial Horntail battleship are killed when it crashes and bursts into flames.
Scene XIV: On board the Dark Mark…
Darth Serpent Tongue: Now to business. I sense a great disturbance coming towards us and I have a really, really bad feeling about this.
Emperor Scrimgeour: So do I, my old friend. So do I. Moff Crabbe, come here this instance. I have a business proposition for you all.
Lord: Well, let's hear it.
Scene XV: The Rebel fleet fly into the left ear of the Dark Mark. The posse is lead by Barty Antilles. Carlo Calweasleyan and the crew of the Flying Ford Falcon follow him. Several Dwarf Troopers mounted on broomsticks, as opposed to their usual mounts, follow.
Carlo Calweasleyan: Do you see that large magical reactor located in the center of the frontal lobe? That is the main reactor. Shoot at it.
Barty Antilles: Don't worry about it. I've already fired and am on my way out the right ear and towards safety.
The main reactor explodes in a ball of fire that seems to be destroying the Dark Mark.
Carlo Calweasleyan: Accelerate you fool!
Ron-bot: Apologies, Sir, but I am traveling at the current speed limit of 10 miles per hour.
Carlo Calweasleyan: I'll give you 10 miles per hour!
Carlo hits Ron-bot over the head. He then pushes Ron-bot out of the driver's seat and accelerates. As a result of his actions, he manages to escape the right ear just as the Dark Mark explodes in a shower of emerald green stars.
Scene XVI: In the Forbidden Forrest, there is a sense of pandemonium as the Alliance celebrates their final victory over the Empire.
Bill: I'm sure that Voldie wasn't on the Dark Mark when it blew.
Fleur: He wasn't. I can smell him.
Bill: He may smell bad, but not that bad that you can smell him from wherever.
Fleur: Regardless, I can smell him.
Bill: You love him, don't you?
Fleur: I am reasonably fond of him, yes.
Bill: All right. I understand. Fine. When he comes back, I won't get in the way.
Fleur: Ick. That's a revolting proposition. I won't marry a man that old, but I wouldn't say "no" to a proposal from a certain red haired smuggler.
Bill: Yay.
They embrace.
Bill: You know I can smell that rascal too.
Lord: And for good reason.
Bill and Fleur jump a foot in the air, and find that Lord Voldewalker is standing right behind him, with the most unlikely drinking mates imaginable—Emperor Scrimgeour, Darth Serpent Tongue, and Moff Crabbe.
Bill: Oh, darn.
Bill pulls out his wand blaster.
Lord: Don't shoot. It's not what you think. We four have decided that we had all missed our calling in life. We all got involved in a bizarre civil war, with assassinations, and fighting, and so forth and so on.
Darth Serpent Tongue: What we really want to do is start up a restaurant…
Emperor Scrimgeour: …which we just did…
Lord: …and we decided to call it "The Flaming Bad Dogs' Grill."
Bill, Fleur, and the remainder of the alliance look dumbfounded at the four newcomers.
Lord: By the way, we have decided that you should know a few things.
Darth Serpent Tongue: From this day onward, I will no longer be Salazar Slytherin or Darth Serpent Tongue, but rather Mr. Cookie.
Emperor Scrimgeour: And I will no longer be referred to as Emperor Scrimgeour, or Darth Scrimgeous, the Light Lord of the Dips, but rather, as Mr. Pork Chop.
Moff Crabbe: Unlike my counterparts, I am not crazy enough to give myself a new and ridiculous name, so I will remain Vincent Crabbe.
Lord: Rebel Alliance, I would like you to meet Mr. Cookie, Mr. Pork Chop, and Crabbe: The Flaming, Bad Dogs.
The Rebel Alliance cheers stupidly, and everyone is happy, and no one is sad.
Lord: By the way, we fully intend to cater your food, free of charge, for your wedding, which we decided would be next week.
Bill: Oh, great.
Fleur: We'd be delighted.
Lord: Great. How about something to eat then?
And with that ended the long and brutal reign of the Ministry of Magic Empire. The new age would be ruled by a New Republic. Princess Fleur and Bill Solo, along with their children would rise to great prominence in this New Republic. Lupebacca would remain Bill's faithful servant and aide. Nevillo Fett, who was the only survivor of Hagga's entourage would attempt several times to take revenge on the Solo's but to no avail. N2-G2 would live a long and happy life. During its span, she would end up saving the Solo's and Lupebacca from almost certain doom. Kreechio the House Elf remained in the Forbidden Forest where he became the King of the Centaurs. General Slughorn would live out his days with his large quantities of creature comforts. However, he was hit hard by the taxation of crystallized pineapple. However, he always found the money to pay for his expensive habits, thanks in part to his good friends, the Solo's and Barty Antilles. The "Flaming Bad Dogs' Grill" became the premier restaurant in the galaxy and it attracted clients from all over. While it was hit hard by the Nostromo Scandal, it did not fold as the ship's primary problems arose after Executive Officer Kane demanded to eat the "Bad Dogs'" famous haggis dogs. However, Lord Voldewalker, Mr. Cookie, Mr. Pork Chop, and Crabbe remained great friends throughout. And with that ends the tale of the Rebellion and what happened afterwards.
The End
1 Yeah. What do you want?
2 I don't want to give up my favorite wall decoration. Behold Captain Bill Solo.
3 Right. You two are going to work on my flying carriage. Okay? Good.
4 Oh, my. Behold the mighty Lupebacca! I will give you two million galleons.
5 Why?
6 Fine. Forty million. That's my final price.
7 Ha, ha, ha!
8 I don't care. You may have been a good smuggler, but now your Fluffy's food.
9 I told you not to bring him in.
10 You fool. He's using an old Dark Lord mindless trick.
11 Ha, ha, ha. There will be no deal, Dark Lord.
12 Did you just eat my dog? How dare you! Bring the werewolf and Captain Solo. They will all suffer for this outrage. You all will be brought to the Shetland Isles for a Care of Magical Creatures Lesson.
13 Push them in.