TOSOM Chapter 2: In which Harry goes to school
Harry Potter woke up on the first day of his first school year. It had been five years since Dumbles had drop kicked his ass onto the doorstep of the Dursley family, and in that time Harry had asserted his authority over the household quite nicely. Every morning Petunia would have breakfast ready for everyone, Vernon would nod politely (Though not happily), and Dudley was still fat, stupid, Dudley. Of course the one thing Harry could not stamp out of Petunia was her borderline obsession over her "ickle duddikins". Harry had done everything in his power, but alas, apparently somethings never change. As Harry dressed himself he wondered whether he should go all out and prove that he was the best, or if he should pretend to be "touched". While Harry juggled this thought in his head an entirely different thought process was taking place in the mind of Vernon Dursley.
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Vernon Dursley was not happy, not at all. He had lived with that monster for five years now! Five years! And now came the moment of truth where the little terror would no longer be constantly looking over his shoulder and scrutinizing all of his actions. Vernon puffed out his chest, now that the boy was going to be gone for most of the day he would regain control of his house! He would drop the boys off at school, turn right back home and assert HIS dominance! Vernon slowly sat down and began to eat his breakfast, the entire time a smug grin plastered on his face. While Vernon ate Harry quietly came up to the table before plopping himself down across from Vernon. "Don't you go getting any ideas you blubbering pile of human waste!" Harry scolded Vernon, almost as if reading his mind. Vernon paled a little before restoring the calm façade on his face, "I don't know what you're talking about. I am simply thinking about how I'm going to bring my lovely wife a present from that shop downtown she's always talking about. Nothing more, and nothing less." Harry looked at Vernon over the top of his glasses practically saying, "Reallyyy?" Vernon attempted to remain calm, but began to lose face as the brat stared him down. "I'll not be having any of this in my house! You are a guest here and as such you should r~resspect me!" Vernon tried as hard as he could to pretend like the boy wasn't affecting him, but those damn eyes were practically boring into his soul! The boy had not even said a word but already Vernon carefully reconsidered all of his plans, realizing that maybe, just maybe, Harry was not a person to upset. As Harry continued to stare Vernon down he ate his food, his eyes never leaving Vernon's the entire time. Vernon was about to burst into tears and run, or start yelling, he couldn't quite decide which, when he heard the mail flap open up behind him. He let go of breath he didn't realize he was holding in before getting up. "H-how about I go get the mail, hmm?" Vernon quickly finished his breakfast before he practically sprinted, or waddled more rather, to get the mail. 'You know what? Asserting dominance sounds tiring, maybe I'd rather just go and play some golf with the lads, yah! Golf, that's what's important, who cares about dominance anyway!'
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Harry was having a good laugh at Vernon's expense, that fat tub of lard had honestly believed he could reassert dominance and undo all the hard work harry had done of the years? Fat chance! He was Harry Balthazar Orion Alastair Caedmon Oakley Wimble Timble (the third) Black Potter! Albeit, in this life he was only Harry Potter, and he had honestly never been named any of those outlandish names, but he enjoyed the feeling of power he had when he made up the stupid names.
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Harry decided quickly that touched or not, he would breeze through class. "Now class, who can tell me what the first letter in the alphabet is!" said the teacher. Cue Dudley, "Is it G?" Harry looked at Dudley, then looked at the teacher, who still had that stupid smile on her face as if she were perfectly reconciled to just go along with whatever the children said. "Very good guess Dudley, but that is not the correct answer. Anyone else?" Dudley looked as if someone had shot his puppy, which was surprising, considering Dudley often did the deed himself. Harry considered for a second before raising his hand, "It's A, you fat dumbass!" The teacher recoiled as if slapped, "Harry! While that is correct, you cannot call your fellow classmate and cousin a d-, a dum-, a -oh! You know what I mean!" Harry did not know what she meant, "Are you referring to my explicit language or the fact that I will not sit here and allow a subpar student to detract from my enjoyment in this class?!" Harry didn't really care, he could probably disintegrate her if he wanted to, but toying with people's minds was so much more fun! The teacher looked flabbergasted, before she took a sip from a container, of what Harry assumed to be water, on her desk. The teacher shook her head before a sort of calmness overtook her. "Harry raise's a valid point students, stupidity is a no-no! and anyone who feels as if they cannot keep up must tell me so that I may laugh and point at them!" The children looked around at each other, bewildered. What had happened to the sweet mild mannered lady that had been teaching class just a moment ago, this was certainly not her! Harry again didn't care, he was beginning to suspect that his teacher may have had something far more potent than water in that cup, and since the dursley's had not kept a bottle of alchohol in the house since he arrived, he was trying to purloin the teacher's glass, he was actually doing quite well since everyone was so busy gawking at the inebriated teacher. "AlrigH *hic* everybody, let's do the alphabet song! A, B, C, D, D, D, E, E, E, C, C, C, B, B, B, A, A, A, A, A… Wha the hell *hic* are you all doing? You're forgetting the letter 4! You're all wrong!" By this point in time Harry had used some magic to make her even more drunk and so instead of a responsible adult, they had a drunk ass teacher who was trying to use one of the kindergartners as a pillow to fall asleep on. Needless to say, Chaos now ruled supreme within the class. That is if you call Harry with a bottle of alcohol "Chaos" which, being completely honest, is a fairly good assessment of the situation.
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Harry came back from his first day of school completely inebriated and utterly uncaring about decency. Little known fact, but 200,000 years worth of building up alcohol resistance apparently does not carry over when you are reborn as a baby version of yourself, who knew? Anyway, as Harry stumbled home he had an arm slung over his cousins shoulder and was making a speech worthy of the ages, "Ya' know Dudders, you're my *belch* bestestest frend! What would I be *hic* doing withoutcha?" Dudley was understandably scared and was simply nodding and smiling at what he believed to be the right locations to smile and nod. And so that was how Petunia saw the two boys when she opened the doors. She screamed, loudly (obviously), before trying to hit Harry with a conveniently placed broom. However, Harry was having none of that and so he used some magic to silence her, which in turn caused Petunia to try and scream so much that she passed out from a lack of oxygen. Harry was witnessing all of this from behind the heavy veil of drunkenness, and so completely disregarded the fact that Dudley, his "favorite drinking buddy!" had wandered off, and that petunia, the horse faced bitch, had passed out. So with the lovely bliss of ignorance, Harry stumbled to his room before passing out on his bed, his last thought, "oh I'm so going to wreck shit up!"
AN: Peace out bitches, don't expect frequent updates, this story is really only written when I'm really tired, and feeling like I might actually be funny, soooo… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯