Chapter Two- Afraid
The sun was out and they drove with the windows down. Sunlight sparkled all around them, but the cold, autumn air made everything seem dreary. Tony looked over at Ziva as they drove along the long, winding roads. Her hair was blowing in the wind and she stared blankly out the window at the passing trees. He surveyed her thoroughly taking in her soft features. He noted the fullness of her lips, the exact shade of her hair, and finally the deep circles under her eyes. He'd know from the moment they got back from Somalia that she'd have nightmares. He had them too. He pictured it all the time: her strapped to a chair in the middle of the dirty, disgusting cell he's saved her from. He hated thinking about what they did to her. He wished she'd just tell him so he could stop imagining the worst.
It was clear to everyone on the team that she'd been suffering from lack of sleep. At work she hid the circles under her eyes well, but Tony always noticed. He noticed the dark, wrinkly ever-present shadows that seemed to mock him. It was his fault, all of it. If he hadn't been so damn intrusive in the first place none of this would have happened. He should have just stayed home that night, instead of invading her personal life and going to her apartment ready to demand answers. He wouldn't have killed Rivkin and Ziva wouldn't have walked in to find her partner had just killed her lover, she wouldn't have lost faith in him and stayed in Tel Aviv or gone on the mission or gotten captured and beaten and on and on and on. So many things wouldn't have happened. She'd still be safe and nightmare-free. It was entirely his fault.
And yet, it was hers too. She kept secrets. She could have told them he was there and she wouldn't have been accused of betraying NCIS. And since she'd returned- she could have told them what had happened to her. Opened up and told the truth, not the half-truth she told Gibbs in interrogation. She could have opened up to Tony or Dr. Bray. That's what they were there for!
"God damn it, Ziva!" he shouted, slamming his hands against the steering wheel and pulling over to the side of the road. Ziva jumped and whipped her head around to face him, startled by the sudden disturbance in the silence.
"What?!" she asked with wide eyes.
"What the hell are you doing!?" he demanded.
"I'm not doing anything! What are you talking-?"
"I know! I know you're not doing anything! You don't think I've noticed that by now? That you haven't said a word to the therapist even though you've been seeing her for three months? Or that you won't tell anybody what happened to you when you were in that Godforsaken cell! Well newsflash! I have noticed! We've all noticed! So I'm going to ask you again, what the hell are you doing?"
She kept her gaze on her shoes, not looking him in the eye afraid he'd see how closed to tears she was. "I don't know," she whispered.
"What," he insisted. "What don't you know? Do you not know how much we worry about you? How much we care about you and how we missed you when you were gone? You don't know that no matter how much make up you put on those bags under your eyes we still notice them and that we see straight through your façade? You don't know that we're here for you?! Or that we don't care what happened to you over the summer that we're still going to love you no matter what!? Nothing could ever change the way we feel about you! All of us! Me, Gibbs, Abbey, McGee, Ducky, we all love you Ziva and if you think that the things that happen to you are going to influence that then there is obviously something really wrong here!"
She was crying now. Her hands were buried in her hands as she sobbed. She was so ashamed of everything. Every time one of them touched her or looked at her for too long she shied away. She could feel their eyes on her all the time, probing, looking for a way to make change her into her old self again. She almost always jerked away when they came too close, like they would become as dirty as her with the slightest touch. She couldn't face them. She couldn't tell them what happened. Despite what Tony said, they'd treat her different, like she was fragile, and she couldn't have that.
Tony got out of the car, closing the door quietly. He walked around the front of the car and opened her door, kneeling down in the dirt. He took her hand and instantly felt her go stiff. "Ziva," he said. "Look at me." She wouldn't. "Ziva, please, look at me." He put his fingers under her chin and gently made her look him in the eye.
As soon as she stared down into his deep, green eyes she immediately relaxed. He always seemed to calm her. He was her guardian angel.
"Ziva what are you scared of? You think we're going to let them hurt you again? They're dead, Ziva. You're safe now and I'm never going to let you anything happen to you again. I promise." She just stared down at him. "What are you so worried about?"
"I'm scared," she said simply. Her lower lip was trembling and her eyes remained red and puffy.
"What is scaring you?"
"I'm scared…that you'll treat me different. I don't want to have to be taken care of. That would mean I'm weak, and I'm weak enough already. Look at me! I'm crying! I was raised better than this."
"Ziva, crying doesn't make you weak. You think I don't cry? When Gibbs told me you were dead what do you think I did? I went home and bawled my eyes out. I told you I couldn't live without you and I meant it. Crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. You are the strongest person I've ever known, even now. Even after all of this has happened to you, you are still stronger than me. Do you believe me?"
"No," she stated. "I don't see how I can. How can I be stronger than you? I have all these fears all these doubts. I just don't understand."
"I have fears too. I'm so afraid that you won't let me help you; that you won't go back to being the Ziva I know and love. Let me help you Ziva. Let us help you. We all want to and we'll never be ashamed of you when you come to us and cry on our shoulder. Take as much time as you need, we'll always be here. We love you Ziva."
And that was enough. She collapsed into his arms and sobbed into his shirt, finally letting go of all the emotion she'd been holding back. She might not be ready to tell him what had happened yet, but with Tony there by her side, she wasn't so afraid.