Note: Some of this is inspired by A Series of Unfortunate Events, and some of this is not. If you haven't figured it out already, Aulie is Violet, Coronion is Klaus, and Carhil is Sunny. ( Aulie and Carhil's names both respectively mean "Inventor" and "Tooth/Fang Woman".) Faramir is Lemony Snicket himself.
I see that I have not written anything for awhile. My sincerest apologies.(By apologies, I mean apologies for writing this. Please, please, read a more cheerful story. I recommend Hopes and Dreams, by someone who calls themselves IHeartSam. This wonderful story can be found on this website.) As I penned the tragic tale, I began to weep. I ceased writing and proceeded to dig through my closet.
When people say they have skeletons in their closets, they do not mean actual skeletons. Unless they are a murderer, an evil Vala, an evil Maia, a taxidermist, or a disproportionately large spider. They, the people who are not any of those disgraceful things I have listed above, are referring to unpleasant secrets. Unpleasant secrets do not have to be contained in closets. They are contained inside people instead. This is not to say that unpleasant things are never in closets. I have a good many unpleasant things in mine. One of them is a five hundred word letter from Eowyn, explaining in painful detail why she could not marry me. Another is a dark blue mantle with a starry design on it. Yet another is a necklace made out of the finest mithril and sapphires. The reason I keep these things in my closet is because, if I had kept them where I could see them, then it would be as if my true love was forever bringing me bad news.
Count Orhalphen was such a person. He had metaphorical skeletons and literal skeletons in his closet. I have personally met him, and I can safely say I never met an actor who was so impolite, barbaric, vicious, and admittedly good with poison darts. I should know, since, due my rather unfortunate propensity, I have on multiple occasions been on the receiving end of said darts.
However, the count's cousin's sister was married to a cousin of the dead queen.
That made him somewhat related to the orphans. Since he lived in Minas Tirith, this made Count Orhalphen their soi-disant nearest relative. Soi-disant is a word which here means "so called". The count reportedly was good-looking in his younger days, but I did not meet him then, so I can only say he was tall, greasy haired, and unpleasant looking. The count had a large mustache and a substantial lack of eyebrows. If he had one very long eyebrow, there would not have been a more idiotic contrast.
Under better circumstances, Aulie, Coronion, and Carhil would not have been aware of the existence of such an individual.
These were the worst circumstances.