Part Two

Sirius Black

"If you want to know who your friends are,

get yourself a jail sentence."

-Charles Bukowski

"I am moved by fancies that are curled

Around these images and cling:

The notion of some infinitely gentle

Infinitely suffering thing."

-T.S Eliot "Preludes"

Sirius knows that shifting into his human form is probably one of the stupidest things he's ever done, especially because he's on Hogwarts grounds. But he does not want to do what he is about to do with the mind of a dog.

"If I get caught, there will be no punishment too good for me." He whispers to himself hoarsely as he peers out from behind the tree he is hiding behind. He's on the fringe of the Forbidden Forest, and it's only a few trees and some deep underbrush between him and the grounds of his old school, his first home.

The castle reminds him, deeply and reflexively, of parchment beneath his wrists and the joy of being a dog in a pack in the moonlight. Of James's laugh, of Remus's quiet smile, of Moony Wormtail Padfoot and Prongs. Of things both hated and loved. And, perhaps more intrinsically than anything else, of stolen kisses again and again and again, a crooked smile and three long scars lovingly traced over, a best friend who was more than that, a waterfall of letters and the clap of hands and secretive shared grins.

Sirius had once though that Remus Lupin had betrayed him, betrayed them all, and to what end he could never figure out. Remus, his Remus, had never ever seemed like the person who would betray his friends to Voldemort. It had hurt Sirius almost as deeply as losing James had, and that hurt was endless and raw.

But Sirius knew better now. He had escaped Azkaban to kill the one truly responsible for his world ending, and that was Peter Pettigrew. Wormtail. As dead to Sirius as if he had truly been murdered twelve years ago.

Think of him later, Sirius admonished himself, you are not here to hate Peter Pettigrew at the moment.

The reason he was here strolled into sight at exactly that moment. Sirius stood up straighter, heart beginning to pound loudly in his ears.

Remus Lupin had grown thinner in the twelve years they'd been apart. His light brown hair still fell over his forehead in gently curling tendrils, though now it was shot through with premature grey. He could have even been wearing his school robes with how tattered and patched they were. A part of Sirius was crushed, almost, by Remus's appearance—where he had barely changed, Sirius was absolutely unrecognizable. Azkaban had twisted and marred him until he was only a shadow of his old self, visible only in the flash of his grey eyes or the twist of his smile into a bitter grin.

"Moony…" Sirius exhaled, a thousand memories and a thousand emotions the Dementors had so long kept at bay rushed through him. "You wouldn't even know me now."

He wishes that he could just run, run to Remus and throw his arms around him and inhale deeply to smell Remus's scent of old books and soap and know that he is truly home. But he can't. For as surely as Sirius once thought Remus a traitor, Remus must think that of Sirius now.

Remus walks slowly across the castle grounds, a leisurely stroll Sirius knows he takes daily. Crookshanks provided him with the information, bless that cat, but Sirius only scraped up the courage to actually come today.

But, no, no, no Remus is already walking out of sight. His Moony is almost gone, walking back into a place where Sirius cannot go.

Don't leave me.

Without thinking, Sirius lifts his head and lets out an animal howl that is partly the beast within him and partly the pain of a man who has lost everything.

Remus freezes, as Sirius knew he would. He turns to the forest and, almost absentmindedly, lifts one pale hand to touch his mouth as if he is unsure if the sound came from his own lips or not. Sirius grins.

Remus and Sirius stare at each other, though only Sirius knows this. Their eyes meet, light brown and grey, across gently waving grass and a darkening sky and through trees and roots and shadow.

Sirius lifts his head and howls again, this time a goodbye, the unspoken I love you. Then, before Remus can truly grow suspicious, he falls to four legs and bounds deeper into the forest as a dog, Padfoot once again.

A/N

This is set sometime during the third book. I'd also like to point out that the chapters are in order of death (So it goes James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus).

Anyway thanks for reading! Reviews get Padfoot kisses!