I feel like there is electricity running through my skin. It skitters along my veins and zig zags around my rib cage. It heads down to my toes, then returns to my stomach to complete its acrobatic routine with a flourish and a flop. I would be impressed if it weren't for the vaguely sick feeling.

I have never been more affected my a man's throat before tonight. I am trying to eat dinner in peace but how can I when Tom is chewing so beautifully and then swallowing like... God.

I can't stop thinking about it. He has been staying with us for little more than a week and I am infatuated, the way I never am. The way I'm acting isn't me. This is Cissy's territory. I am too independent. But I have been watching Tom from across empty rooms for nine days; passing him in the hallway and whispering good morning because it's polite. Staring at him across the dinner table.

He is older but he moves with such life. I can feel him everywhere, my body pulling me toward him too often throughout the day. I would bet my inheritance that Andy or Cissy had not seen him half as much as I have. Because their brains haven't been infected.

I go to the kitchen when I don't want tea because I feel him there. I search for reading material in the library when I'm in the middle of a book already. It is like a permanent homenum revelio has been ingrained in my heart and mind and I search him out everywhere I go.

Tom catches me staring and fuck. I feel scared for some reason. There is no way any one person can be so terrifying and so alluring at the same time. I feel like I deserve an apology. As soon as he glances away to continue his conversation with my father, I return my gaze to him. I listen to the lilt in his voice; soft cadences meeting harsher tones, but I don't hear the words. My eyes follow the movements of his lips, his hands, his chest as it expands with breath. With life.

Here, here, and here, I map the places out inside myself. Heart and mind and ears. Everything is trained on him. He can have whatever he wants from me. I will freely give it.

I just feel insane. And it's brilliant.