Garrus held the memorial plaque in his hands, brushing two fingers over the embossed edges of Commander Shepard's name.
He sighed, thinking of the only person in the galaxy he had ever loved with such fierce devotion, and the only person who had ever been reliably at his side. Shepard was a part of him. He winced at the memory of her clutching his hand and all but shoving him into the cruiser and declaring her love for him undying, even if it outlived her. It was the first time he told her he loved her back, and he refused to let it be the last. It had felt so pathetically inadequate.
He had actually prayed for her after that door shut.
He had spent nearly an hour arguing with Kaidan that it was unnecessary and presumptuous to put Shepard's name on the wall of the dead, or Anderson's. He had no reason to believe that Shepard was gone, and he was frankly furious at Joker for turning tail and not searching the wreckage for her.
He looked up at the memorial wall, reading over the names of the lost - people he had truly respected, many of them friends. He turned around, holding the plastic namecard in both hands. He slowly looked each and every person gathered in front of him in the eye, saving an especially long glare or Kaidan, and wordlessly snapped the nameplate twice over one knee.
He shoved his way through the gaping crowd and tossed the pieces roughly into the nearest trashbin. He marched into the main battery, sincerely wishing he had five fingers so he could give Kaidan the proper human gesture so he knew he could go fuck himself.
He shut the door behind him, setting it to lock from the inside so no one could bother him. He needed to be alone.
He checked the Normandy's trajectory map on the screen to his left. They had crash landed on a civilization preserve planet in Alpha Centauri. Phaethon was beautiful, but they had needed to leave. When advanced civilizations made direct or uncareful contact with much younger ones, the results were typically disastrous for both parties.
The Normandy was on steady course back toward the Sol system - Garrus had made sure of that, as well as he had made sure he was thorough when he told Joker off. Not having EDI made the ship somewhat lonelier - he had to admit that Normandy was something less for her loss - something almost lacking soul. However, he found Joker's intent to try to save her unacceptable, especially when he seemed unwilling to afford Shepard the same thing.
They would be back in the Sol system in about a week. They had been travelling for nearly two months now, and they had to plot their course cleverly around known planets and fuel stations. FTL was still a boon, but the loss of the mass relays was both devastating and dangerous for travel. In the back of his mind, Garrus wondered how long ago it was that the ship had last been allowed to discharge its drive core. He knew they were playing with fire travelling between systems without the relays, but they had little choice.
He took a self-taken photo of Shepard and himself off the wall. He sat on the floor and stared at her face for a long while.
"Garrus, you're brooding. Let me in." Three sharp bangs on the door accompanied Tali's muted voice.
Garrus sighed and wordlessly unlocked the door. Tali entered, closing the door behind her and leaning against a wall across from him.
"So?" she prompted.
"So what?" Garrus refused to look up.
"Don't give me that. Talk to me, Garrus."
He sighed. "She's not dead, Tali. I refuse to believe it."
"I honestly don't know what to believe," she replied, slumping. "We don't have any proof she's... gone. But her comms are out, and you saw that explosion..."
"Right. An explosion takes her out, when being spaced, verifiably suffocating, and burning up in a planet's atmosphere doesn't. Right after Kai Leng, and the thresher maw on Akuze." His voice dripped with sarcasm. "Shepard doesn't die. We don't have any reason to believe she isn't alive. Putting her name on that wall is nothing short of a damned insult."
"I understand, and I want to agree with you, it's just..."She paused. "... we'll be back in Sol soon enough. We'll know something then." She stood to leave. "Just promise me you won't strangle Kaidan before we get there for wanting to remember her."
He nodded, keeping his gaze fixed on the photo.
"And Garrus?"
He looked up.
"I want you to know that it's okay to grieve."
She walked out. The door closed, and Garrus was hit with a desperate, clawing loneliness. He buried his face in the crook of his arm, longed for Shepard, and refused to cry for her.