To those of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo is mainly about writing lots, not writing well. Needless to say this IS unbeta-ed. Please forgive any issues with characterization or pacing. Reviews make me sing songs about how awesome life is. Seriously.
Standard Disclaimer
II.
Lurk-To lie or wait in concealment, as a person in ambush; remain in or around a place secretly or furtively.
Brace yourself. It is coming. Creeping in, bleeding onto the paper of your life like a slow spreading liquid fire.
It has been coming for years. Perhaps it has already arrived but you are just beginning to realize that there is an uninvited house guest lurking in the darkest recesses of your mind. It stays in the shadows, just watching. Never speaking, never touching, never breathing. You deny it for years, you deny it now, even as it begins to show itself.
Open the closet door, see if there are any monsters hiding behind it.
Open it and you will never go back.
It has been three days since Loki last slept.
Three days and he counts that as a success. With a pounding head and roaring thoughts, sleep is nearly impossible to obtain anyway, but with the noise that has exploded across the palace and the events that caused it, even thinking of sleep makes the god of mischief scoff.
A date has been set for Thor's coronation. The fact that it is almost a year away does not stop the palace from breaking out into an uproar.
Lavish parties with delicacies that tickle even Volstagg's fancy are thrown. Days are spent sparring in the ever present, summer sun of Asgard, nights include wine, ale and the fairest women in the realm. Between the roaring laughter, the uncensored moans, the battle cries and the constant hustle and bustle of those who have the misfortune (or blessing, Loki supposes, depending on how one looks at it) of planning the coronation, not a single second of the day is reserved for silence.
Naturally, the god of mischief is the only one who finds the constant noise even mildly unpleasant.
All he longs for is a quiet place to think and something to cure this curious twisting in his stomach. He does not crave the social scene that his brother does, and more often than not, when he declines and invitation, party guests do not miss him.
But those parties are tolerable evils. Loki can push through them. Spend a few hours locked in a conversation with Hogun about something that means absolutely nothing while enjoying a glass or two of wine. Laugh along with Thor, maybe even chat with Sif for a moment or two. These things are simple, mindless. When things get particularly dull, all he has to do is stir up a little trouble, not much, just enough to keep him entertained. If he really did not want to be there, he could project some sort of clone into the party and let it deal with these trivial matters and no one would be any the wiser.
Today is different though. Today, he cannot escape. The event that he dreads most is the one he will be forced to attend.
Come one, come all to the party that celebrates the future king of Asgard. Or, rather, come if you are royalty or a member of the court. Only the elite will feast in the house of Odin tonight.
Loki stares, with a complete lack of amusement at the wall across the room, wondering if it would be completely inappropriate to turn himself into a birdand fly away, mid-conversation with Fandral's current…girlfriend? No, not girlfriend, that implies some sort of real attachment, mistress is a better word for what she is. Her name is Herdis, and surely, she is quite beautiful, but were it not for his incredible memory, Loki would forget everything about this girl the second he turned away from her. With any luck that will be soon. The conversation with her is so slow going that he feels he might be losing brain cells.
He does not want to be here, for the life of him, but everyone who matters in the realm of Asgard will be here, and just because Loki will not take a seat on the throne, does not mean that he is exempt from making useless small talk with those who have been invited to tonight's gala.
A façade. A show. The gods put on the most extravagant shows in the world. They become the characters that others expect them to be, the ones that they are not behind closed doors. Everyone assumes that Loki is the liar, that his silver tongue and his ability to manipulate make him deceitful, but they don't see what they are. They do not take the time to observe.
Ladies of the court smile at each other and laugh and throw around compliments as though they are a dying fad. A Liesmith can see through such acts instantly. How is it possible not to realize how underhanded and backstabbing and catty these women will become if the situation calls for it?
Men laugh loudly and drink vigorously and talk about war and violence as though they are nothing more than sport. The warriors hide show their battle scars and tell stories as though pain and suffering are all in good fun.
Newlywed women cling to the husbands that pretend they were not gazing at the love goddess, Freyja.
Even Herdis, this foolish, simple, beautiful, uncomplicated girl is lying through her teeth and telling him these grand stories. She insists that she is destined for something extraordinary, that she is more than a pretty face. That people underestimate her because she is beautiful.
Foolish, insolent girl. She just wants someone to believe in her because Fandral is busy wooing four other women.
He is her second choice, her fall back because she cannot have what she wants. And what maiden does not want to be wooed by Fandral? Who would choose him over Fandral?
…Who would choose him over Thor?
Deny it. Repress it. Fight it, push it down, hide it, suffocate it, do anything to keep the green eyed monster at bay.
He is tired, that is all. Tired and with such a sharp mind, anything that may alter the thought process turns it into something cutting.
Keep making excuses. Just deny it.
Loki does not know where any of this is coming from. A week ago, he and Thor were laughing in the dining hall, reminiscing over successful journeys and exciting adventures and today…No, it is only logical to feel this way. It is only logical to feel envious on occasion, who would not idolize Thor? Surely, Loki cannot be the only one. To want to be like his brother is completely normal, all of Asgard loves him and Loki has long since come to terms with the fact that they are separate but equal beings. Surely, when sorcery becomes as valuable to society as strength, Loki will have equal moments of triumph. .
Deep breath. Remember to breathe, a little air will slow the thoughts when they are running fast enough to burn up your mind.
"And truly, to take up such a position would be so thrilling. I've always told my father—" Right, she's still talking. "—more than a pretty face, so many underestimate me because I am beautiful but—"\ Oh no more of this. Loki cannot help himself. He stares at the monstrous looking jewels that are twined into her black hair and focuses on them. Imagines bats, consumes himself with the idea that they will turn to bats and sure enough that is what they become.
Herdis shrieks, loudly and slaps at her tight curls and for the first time in what must be an hour, Fandral actually looks over at her, but doesn't go running to her rescue. Surely, Fandral the dashing is far too busy entertaining many other lovely ladies of the court to go to the rescue of someone who has fallen out of his favor. He does, however, wince and look as though he feels sorry for her, which is far more than Loki is doing.
The god of mischief is smirking from ear to ear, unable to stop a few short bursts of laughter from coming out. He notices a few admonishing looks and sighs, holding his hands up in defense.
"I meant no harm. It was just a bit of fun." He tells Herdis in his most apologetic voice and throws a charming smile her way. She is still trembling, but with all eyes on her and the, knowledge that Loki can destroy her if he so chooses, she just laughs nervously and nods.
Once everyone looks away, she flees without another word.
"Are you not enjoying yourself, brother?" Loki turns, slowly to face his brother, who has approached him and now has a hand on his shoulder. The god of mischief gives him a mildly amused look.
"Not at all. Just livening things up a bit." He grins and Thor lets out one large, boisterous laugh before clapping Loki on the back. Loki laughs along and smiles up at his brother.
So foolish to be resentful. So wrong, so completely absurd. Thor is nothing but kind to him, nothing but charismatic and his intentions are good. He means no harm. How could Loki ever resent him? How could—
He has no more time to sit and mull over what is right and what is wrong, because Odin snatches the attention from everyone in the room, simply by moving up to the throne.
"Thank you all for coming." His voice is deep and wise, the kind that children of the realm wish their parents would tell them stories in and suddenly, Loki feels like the child who sat on his father's lap, listening to old war stories, again. "There is no greater joy than knowing that my son will be a loved king." Applause. A few loud cheers from Volstagg and Fandral. Loki smiles at his brother. What a glorious moment. How wonderful it must be to feel the way Thor feels now.
How cruel it must be to know that you will never measure up.
Deny, choke, repress. Loki swallows roughly.
No, enough of this.
"My son is loved, yes. He is charismatic, he is brave, he is one of the mightiest warriors this realm has known. But he is capable of great destruction."
Silence. Loki arches an eyebrow and looks to read Thor's expression. Confused, perhaps a little wounded.
"He has the ability to make Asgard fly…or send it crashing to the ground. Under Thor's rule, there will be no grey area. There will be prosperity or poverty. But within each of us, is that same trait. Thor is the embodiment of what a citizen of Asgard is, and I believe, that given the opportunity, he will become all that we should be."
Everything a person ought to be. Loki takes a very short breath, knowing that if he is quick, no one will notice anything different. No one will notice what is biting at his insides.
"My son, my heir. So long have you been entrusted with great power. Now you will learn that with this power, comes great responsibility. You will learn, my son, and in time, you will become one of the greatest kings Asgard has ever known. My son. I could not have chosen a better king, or greater son."
Roaring applause, cheers, not just from the warriors and Thor looks so completely honored. Crowds are wild and ecstatic and friends rush to the god of thunder's side and the party goes on.
No one notices the way Loki crumbles at his father's final statement. No one notices the scathing, hurt look that touches his face for a millisecond. No one notices when he rushes out the door as fast as his body will allow him.
No one notices, that he does not return.