Remember me
Chapter Two
Misato rapped her knuckles against the door until she heard a delicate voice respond. She opened the door and greeted Asuka's therapist. Misato had aged somewhat since the events of the angels invasion of the world. It was evident in her face through the firm lines that now gripped at her cheeks and forehead. She had assumed her looks had gone with the times but she was assured she was as lovely as ever by Toji, her on and off boyfriend. She had quit Nerv several years ago but she would be reminded of her previous life by her I.D. which never found itself from her purse. She kept it for sentimental value, however, it was like a two sided coin. She liked to remember the better times but it was a hefty reminder of the sacrifices humanity had made. More importantly, her sacrifices.
"So, how is Asuka doing? I haven't been able to get a hold of her myself," she said with a smile. The therapist tried to match her smile but Misato could tell any information she had was none to pleasing to be heard.
"She is… a difficult person to talk to," said the woman.
Misato shrugged, "Tell me about it,"
"Every now and then we might make some progress but other than that, she hasn't changed much," she said. Misato nodded but could feel an air of disappointment rush over her. She didn't want to lose Asuka. She was like a daughter and to lose her would just remind Misato of all of her past failures.
"Did she mention anything about the grave?" asked Misato.
The therapist only shook her head.
"Well, I think she's finding her own way to grieve," said Misato.
The therapist looked up at her, a quizzical look on her face, "How do you figure that? It just seems as if she wants nothing to do with anyone,"
Misato nodded her head, "Exactly. I know Asuka very well. This is just her way of doing things, despite being the most inefficient. She left flowers at the grave last night,"
"Really?"
"I said the same thing,"
"How often has she been going there?"
"Not often, not since when it happened. I just happened to walk through when I saw it. I know Asuka, she wouldn't want to be seen there."
"Enlighten me as to why,"
Misato shrugged again, "That's just who she is. She can't succumb to anything making her look weak. She puts up a front to scare people away. I think that's because she let someone in once and she feels they left her,"
"You're talking about him, right?"
"Yes, exactly,"
...
Asuka awoke to the sound of the door. She lifted her head up, the fog of slumber still hovered over her eyes. Her hand darted to the alarm clock that laid tipped over. Pulling it to her she realized it was close to the afternoon. She ripped the sheets off of her and sped to the door where she planted her face against the peek hole. She sighed, Misato had finally cornered her. She rubbed her temples before unlocking the door.
Misato waited as she watched the door slowly creak open exposing Asuka's sleep heavy face. She smiled causing Asuka to grunt.
"What do you want, Misato? Came here to yell at me for not going to university today? I think they'll understand," she said as she begun to close the door. Misato stuck her foot into the doorway keeping her smile.
"I agree, so why not come with me?" she said.
She could see Asuka's upper lip twitch, she knew what that meant, "Why? What are you up to?"
Misato found an opening and pushed her way inside forcing Asuka to stumble back in surprise. Walking in she could smell something foul and her eyes immediately found a pile of dirty clothes congregating at a far corner. She then caught sight of the makeshift table Asuka had created out of boxes. Beer bottles sat in a quiet formation most of them empty of their contents, like Asuka.
"Come on, hop in the shower. I want to take you out with me. I think you had enough of staying here for days on end," she said, "Oh, and put some pants on,"
Asuka peered down and could see she was only in her underwear, she crossed her arms, "Like I haven't seen you in your underwear when you were drunk,"
Misato gave her a sarcastic smile, "You're right but you're not drunk are you?"
"I can be,"
"Alright, let's go. Hop in the shower, I'm gonna give you ten minutes,"
"And if I choose not to?"
Misato poked at the beer bottles, "Let's just say I will be willing to drag you out one way or another,"
Asuka sighed as she retreated into her bedroom. Misato slowly made her way around the apartment taking in the despair and loneliness that stained it. It was obvious she hadn't unpacked since moving in, kind of reminded her of when she moved in several years ago. She lingered onward seeing the countless open boxes, clothes, books, souvenirs, and a cassette player? It looked familiar. She came upon it and took it with her palm. It was Shinji's, that much she knew. She then noticed a white label on the tape and ejected it.
"Listen to me?" she whispered. Did Shinji make this?
She hadn't realized her ten minute time limit had passed and heard the door to Asuka's room swing open. She took the tape and dropped it into her pocket. Setting the cassette player back down she turned to pretend nothing was out of the ordinary.
"Let's go," said Asuka.
...
Asuka said nothing as they drove down the highway. Music blared on the speakers but she noticed from the corner of her eye Misato lowering the volume. She knew was in for what Misato liked to call "girl talk". She wondered how badly would it hurt if she opened the car door and rolled out.
"So, how are you Asuka?" she asked.
Asuka bit her lip, she knew it.
"I'm fine," she replied.
Misato nodded as she took a turn into an exit, "How are you doing at your sessions? Making progress?"
"Why don't you go and ask her yourself?"
"Well, I thought I could ask you. I don't see a problem asking you,"
"You're not going to get anything from me, Misato. I'm not talking,"
Misato shrugged, "Well, I didn't really take you with me just to talk. I want to have some fun, I think you will enjoy yourself,"
"Where are we going?"
"Don't worry about it, you'll see,"
Asuka found herself staring at a shopping plaza. Her heart skipped a beat. This was not going to end well. She felt the urge to run but knowing Misato she would only hunt her down like an animal. Better to endure the travesties now and not later. She followed Misato as they traversed the crowd and into one of the shops. She flipped her coat collar up hoping to conceal her identity even though she knew there would be no one to identify her. She led her into one of the aisles where a line of women outfits hung from brackets. Misato found something within the wall of clothes and pulled out a black dress with lace designs. Asuka said nothing but scowled hinting to Misato she was less than amused. This went on for hours with Asuka showing no signs of participating. Misato had long since abandoned her purse and heels swinging from bracket to bracket pulling random outfits that would imminently be rejected. \
Asuka could tell Misato was beginning to falter and only found it amusing when she began to pant from running around frantically. Misato finally sat beside her, her face buried in her hands. Asuka could see the slight bob in her shoulders. God, please tell me this woman is not crying.
But it was too late, she could hear the unmistakable sound of sobs.
She sighed.
She lifted herself up and went over to the racks of clothes. Taking a deep breath she snatched a black blouse from the rack and held it lazily against herself.
"Misato, what do you think of this?"
Misato lifted a hand in a negative light and said, "I know what you're trying to do. I get it, I can drive you home."
Asuka covered her eyes in frustration as she made a bee line for a changing room. Misato watched her go and once she disappeared she gave herself a triumphant smile. Never ceased to work she thought.
Asuka stood in front of the mirror, her piercing blue eyes gazing heavily on herself. What was she doing? Was she actually feeling sorry for Misato? For trying to help?
"You don't feel sorry for her, you feel sorry for yourself,"
Asuka peered up at her reflection, her mirror image's arms crossed, a scowl on its face. Asuka could hardly breathe, was she really this sick to conjure up an imaginative version of herself? Well, it wouldn't be the first time this kind of shit happened.
Asuka turned from the mirror and began to take off her shirt to try on the black blouse, she was attempting to distant herself from her mind but little did she realize that her mind was something she could never achieve solace from
"Hey, moron, I'm talking to you,"
Asuka turned an eye behind her shoulder towards the mirror, "I'm not listening to you,'
Her mirror image sighed as it began to rub its temples in annoyance, "Even in your own head you refuse to take advice. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? The fact that I am imagining I'm talking to my reflection is what's wrong with me. Let me just humor myself and ask, what do you want?"
"It's not what WE want, it's what WE need. When are you going to get that stick out your ass and try to accept what others are trying to do for you? What Shinji tried to do for you,"
Asuka scoffed as she slid the blouse over her head, "Shinji didn't try to do anything. No one is trying to do anything. Why can't everyone just leave me alone?"
"Why? What do you hope to accomplish being alone?"
"Nothing, I just want to be alone,"
"That's a lie and you know it,"
"So what if it is?"
"Then you're a liar,"
"Really, does it matter if I lie to someone?"
"No, you lie to yourself,"
Asuka said nothing as she stared down at her blouse and then back towards the mirror where her reflection had resorted back to its original pose. She was empty inside, she could feel the hollowness deep within raging with silent contempt. She found herself pressing her back against the wall keeping her eyes on herself as she slid down onto the bench.
God, what was wrong with her?
She buried her face into her hands and sat there holding her breath, a trick she devised to retrain the tears that would inevitably come.
"Asuka?"
She sat up straight quickly wiping her eyes, she cleared her throat before saying, "Yeah, what is it?"
Misato tossed a pair of black jeans over the door, "I was hoping you could try this on for me,"
Asuka eyed the garment and sighed, "Yeah, sure,"
"Are you okay?"
Asuka closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, "As always,"
"Alright, let me know if you need anything," said Misato as she turned to walk away.
"Hey, Misato?"
"Yeah,"
"If I'm wearing black, do you think you can find me some shoes?"
Misato smiled something warm, "Of course,"
...
The day continued on with countless trips to different shops and novelties. Misato could feel the tension begin to alleviate but she didn't dare say a word about it in fear it might break the now relaxed atmosphere she had created. She couldn't even remembered the last time Asuka smiled. It was a beautiful smile that only sent heartache through her, how long was this Asuka buried behind the hurt? Checking her watch she made a mental note of the time realizing they had been at it for nearly four hours. They stopped at a small plaza coffee shop suited with suede couches and wooden exterior. It had been a while since Misato had sat in one of these western shops but she always liked the homey feel. They sat in a booth, the dark leather softly expelling air as they took a seat. An older man soon made his way towards them and took their requests. Misato asked for tea whereas Asuka called for coffee. The man nodded with a smile, his white beard forming to his boyish grin and with a bow he left their sides. Misato pressed her elbows to the table and cupped her chin watching with intent eyes to Asuka who only stared back with an air of nonchalant.
"Why are you staring at me?" she asked.
Misato shook her softly, "I'm just, glad,"
"Why? Because I decided to play along?" Asuka retorted.
"Oh, come on, we are having fun," said Misato with a girlish smile, "So, how's school going?"
Asuka played with the tiny sugar packets that sat placidly on the wooden table. She could feel a angry retort scratching the back of her throat but with the words of her mirror image ringing like a bad song in her head she decided to relinquish her pain.
"It's fine," she began without letting up her gaze, "Day in, day out. To be honest I don't even know what I'm going to school for. We finished Project Eva several years ago. I'm considered a veteran. I really don't have to work anymore for the rest of my life. So, what's the point?"
Misato nodded, "Well, you never know. Maybe one day you would want to find something to better occupy your time,"
"Do you honestly think it was my fault?" Asuka spat.
Misasto's eyes suddenly became dangerous, "Now, Asuka…"
"Answer me,"
"Asuka,"
"Everyone knows it was my fault. Why can't anyone else see that? Do they think I'm stupid? Do they think I can't put two and two together? Why can't you just blame me? Why beat around the bush?"
Misato placed her hand over Asuka's, her eyes could throw knives, "You cannot be blamed for something if you had no control over it. What happened that day could not be avoided. It was fate and to blame yourself for weakness is foolish. It was not your fault,"
Asuka nodded slowly as she continually stared at the sugar packets as if they were the medium between her and Misato.
The drive home that night was met with silence. Misato couldn't muster the courage to say anything in fear she might trigger another relapse. They reached the apartment complex without so much as a word. Asuka grabbed her bags and began to head upstairs. Misato feeling the burn of defeat reached into one of her own and pulled out a can of beer. Flipping the tab she dowsed herself taking in the entirety of the can. When she lowered her head she could see Asuka standing several feet away staring with those hypnotic blue eyes.
"What? Got something smart to say?" burped Misato as she sat herself on the hood of her car. Asuka watched as the buzzed woman began to take another can from the depths of her bag. She walked over and snatched a can for herself, "What are you doing?"
Asuka said nothing as she mimicked Misato, flipping the tab caused a burst of white froth to escape the can. Without hesitation Asuka rocked her head back and downed the beer in a few hearty gulps. Misato watched rather impressed by the girl's skill.
"You think you can get drunk, I got you beat," Asuka said with a whimsical smile.
Moments later the door to Asuka's apartment burst open. The two women giggled and laughed with eager hysterics as they tumbled into the stacks of boxes that made the room into a virtual labyrinth. Asuka couldn't help but go into a laughing fit with only the faint awareness she had left the front door open. She wiggled her way searching for the lip of the door with her foot and clumsily slamming it. Misato lied face down on the floor laughing, countless shopping bags littered the floor but the most important bag was only an inch from her face. She dragged the 12-pack from the bag and dove her hand into the torn open cardboard that encased her precious liquid love. She found the rigid body of two beers and rolled one over to Asuka who was lying on her back in a dazed stupor.
"Aw, don't tell me you're quitting," teased Misato.
Asuka giggled as she snatched the can from the floor and sat herself against the wall for support. She couldn't think straight and the once overbearing feeling of dread was being washed away. She felt numb but it didn't hinder the smile she couldn't erase from her face.
"As if, I can out drink you, old lady," she said whipping her hair back preparing for another round. Misato suddenly sat up straight, a look of bewilderment across her make-up smeared face.
"How dare you!" she slurred, "I am a young and spry woman. Just ask any man I've been with,"
Misato found her beer and drank hungrily. Asuka couldn't help but chuckle at the notion. Misato laughed spilling beer onto the floor. Even in her impaired state she apologized and began to sponge it up with a rag she found hanging from one of the boxes. As she began to clean up the mess something slipped from her pocket and fell onto the floor with a clattering noise. Misato knew what had fallen and tried to retrieve it but Asuka had been too quick and pinned the tape with her hand.
"Why do you have this?" she said holding up the tape, beer had stained the white label. Misato stared without an answer watching the brown stain invading the words: Listen to me.