Chapter Two: A Lack of Armor
And I tried to forget you but
The memories got stuck and now they're on display
^v^v^v^
It was an aneurysm. It was quick and painless, and in the blink of an eye it happened. She came and went. The doctor's say there was nothing they could've done to save her. They say…well that's all Kimberly heard before the phone slipped through her fingers and she bolted out the door. Her mind moved and her legs seemed to follow. She can't remember when she went home and packed a bag or when she was nervously sitting on the plane. She remembers the time between running out of her office with Jess screaming her name and right now.
"Katy!" Kimberly yelled when she saw the teenager sitting by herself in the waiting room of the hospital. A woman around Kimberly's age who looked a lot like Hannah sat beside her with the same grief-stricken face her sister had.
"Katy." Kimberly stopped when her, now fifteen year old, little sister looked up to her. Her face wasn't red with tears, but she still looked miserable. It's been three years since they last saw each other, but when Kimberly saw her sister she couldn't help it, especially in this time, but hug her. Katy was almost as tall as she was now, her hair had grown out since last time, and she just…changed.
They pulled apart and neither knew what to say to the other. Three years was a lot of time apart and it could have been longer if not for the circumstances. "Katy." Kimberly repeated this time shaking her head. It was all she felt like she could say.
"I want to go home." She mumbled. She said it like a child, so innocent and helpless and Kimberly didn't know how to respond to that.
Hannah saw and decided it was best to intervene. "I'll take her. You should probably talk to the doctors anyway."
Katy went for the exit, emotion showing no sign on her. "Hey," Kimberly stopped her. She hugged her again for an unknown reason, just to be near her. Katy didn't (or couldn't) lift her arms. Like always, Kimberly was taller, but Katy had grown to be just a few inches shorter. "I'll see you at…" She stopped herself. Katy didn't have a home anymore. And from the look on her face, Katy knew exactly what Kimberly was going to say. "I'll see you later."
Hannah's hand went to Katy's back and with the simple touch she flinched. They left Kimberly at the hospital, not sure herself of what to do now.
"Excuse me?" Kimberly stopped a random doctor. "Are you Dr. Thomas?" She asked remembering the doctor she had spoken to on the phone.
"Yes." He nodded.
"I'm Kimberly Baker…Grace Jenkins' daughter."
His face didn't change. Besides, he deals with death everyday, he's used to this. But Kimberly still had a hard time. "I'm so sorry for your loss." He said trying to comfort her by placing his hand on her arm.
"What happened?"
"Well as you know, Grace had an aneurysm. It's basically a weak area in the wall of an artery that supplies blood to the brain. It just so happened to rupture and cause a stroke. We did everything we could before it happened, but…"
"Wait, what?" She stopped him. He gave a confused look and Kimberly thought she was losing her mind. "What do you mean 'before'?"
"You didn't know?" Kimberly shook her head. "A few weeks ago Grace came in saying she had some severe headaches and blurred vision. We ran some test and found it. She had known about it for at least a month." She felt her stomach drop and swore her heart skipped a beat or two. "I'm so sorry, Miss Baker. I, I thought you knew."
Her body was numb, she couldn't move, and staring at anything other than the linoleum floor seemed impossible. Her mom just died. Just died. Dead. Dead. She's dead. It seems so easy to think, but when it comes to saying it she can't utter the words.
^v^v^v^
She's driven these streets hundreds of times and yet it all feels so strange being here. Like she doesn't belong here anymore and it's been too long since she has.
But she's here for the worst of reasons and now she's wishing she never picked up the phone. She could still be in Chicago and living her life the way she's been.
She's finding it hard to believe it. Just a few hours ago, her mother was alive and well (well that's what Kimberly thought) and now she's gone. When she was younger she used to wish this upon her mother, as horrible as that sounds, but now that it's happened, after all the fences they've mended, all Kimberly wants is one more day with her.
But she's gone now. Just like this life she used to know.
It's all coming back to her. The nervous feeling she always got before driving up that driveway to see Katy came back to her. The familiar places where she would go to on her visits here. The picnic table her and Hannah used to sit at and talk till the early hours of the morning on a warm summer night. She remembers it. And she feels guilty for leaving it all behind.
The house was still the same. The white shutters looked freshly painted and the garden Kimberly never cared about looked ready to sprout. It was exactly how she remembered it. Then she noticed not one light was on, but everyone over at Hannah's was.
She locked up her rental car, not bothering to grab her one bag, and made her way over to her old friend's house.
"Hey." Hannah said opening the door before Kimberly even gets a chance to knock. "Katy didn't want to be over there." she says pointing over to her own house. "I brought her over here. She's asleep." Kimberly nodded, wondering how you fill an awkward silence after you've been gone for seven years. "How are you?"
"I feel like shit." She answered honestly.
"Same here." Hannah nodded with a small smile.
"It's just…I never expected this. I…it feels so unreal."
"I just wish there was something I could have done.
They were both lost and confused. They were just throwing out random sayings that you usually say when someone dies. There was nothing they could have done.
"Did you know?" Kimberly asks after a minute of silence sitting.
"No."
She sighed. "Why didn't she tell anybody? I mean…it wasn't fair for her to keep this from us, from Katy…I got to talk to her." She went for the door, but Hannah stopped her.
"Kimberly, she's already asleep. Let's just leave her. You'll see her tomorrow." Kimberly nodded, settling back onto the railing she had been sitting on. "You should probably get some sleep too. You've had a long day."
Hannah moved for the door, but Kimberly just stayed.
"I'm gonna…I'm gonna head over next door." She said making her way down the steps.
"Kimberly."
"I just…I'll see you tomorrow." She said, too tired to explain to Hannah why exactly she was going there. She didn't even know why.
"This is a nice house you have." Kimberly said observing the sunlit living room with leather couches and plasma screen T.V. The kitchen was small but still big enough to fit several people in for meals. And the pictures along the wall showed a happy two person family through out certain periods of their lives. Grace had surely done well for herself.
"Thank you." She replied setting her bags down by the stairs. Katy had long gone to her room, saying she needed to greet her dollies, leaving the grown-up and teenager to themselves.
"I like your curtains." Kimberly complimented trying to start conversation.
"All I've gotten is silence out of you for the past four hours, you wouldn't even talk to Katy when she asked a question, and the first I get out of you is "I like your curtain."?"
"Actually, I said you had a nice house first." Kimberly corrected with her smartass attitude.
"That doesn't matter."
"Well, what do you want me to say?" She questioned in annoyance. "This is a nice house you have and I'll be going now. Fine. I'll go." She said walking to the door but was stopped when Grace blocked her way.
"No, Kimberly, I want to know why you're here. Does Brooke really know you're here? Because I don't want to go to jail for kidnapping."
"Brooke knows I'm here." She assured.
"OK, that's a start. Now do you mind telling me why you're here?"
"Do you not want me here? Because that's fine. Brooke doesn't want me, you don't me. I'll go find a park bench and sleep there. I'll make everyone happy and disappear." She spitted out. She hadn't told Grace about Brooke and didn't intend on it.
"Kimberly, it's not that I don't want you to be here. It's just weird that you're here." She said with a sympathetic look Kimberly didn't catch because her mind was still trying to catch up to the fact that she really was here. "What happen with Brooke?"
"Nothing." She lied.
Not buying her lie, Grace saw the pain in Kimberly's eyes and the hurt look she had. "She made you come here, didn't she?" She huffed. After Grace had told her how great she was to Kimberly and how happy she was, Brooke went off and did this. "Unbelievable."
"Listen, you don't know the situation. You don't know anything about me and Brooke."
"So you're defending her? After she told you to come and stay with me?" Kimberly stayed silent. Yes, she was defending her but didn't want too. What Brooke did was wrong and they both knew it. But this was more Kimberly's fault than Brooke's even though Kimberly wouldn't let herself believe that.
"Is it alight if I stay here or what?" She asked really needing a subject change.
"Of course. Upstairs, first door on the right is your room."
Kimberly began to climb the stairs in search of her room with not so much as a 'thank you' leaving her lips. She was exhausted. From fighting with Brooke to crying until there was nothing left to cry about to a four hour car ride had worn her out. All she wanted was a bed to sleep in and she wanted it now. She didn't care that she didn't have a change a clothes to slip into or the fact that she was in desperate need of a hot shower or that she looked terrible from her puffy face to her bloodshot eyes. All she wanted was to go to sleep.
"Kimberly," Grace stopped her. She froze in mid-step, not bothering to turn back. "No matter the situation between you and Brooke, I'm still really glad you're here."
It hit her like a ton of bricks. She was really here, with her mother, the woman that left her. She had told herself over and over again that if she ever came across her mother in the future that she would not hesitate to blow up right in her face. She wouldn't hesitate to tell her what she did led to a series of unfortunate events for Kimberly and that it was all her fault. But this was worse. She was living in the woman's house, with her daughter, who just so happened to be the sister she didn't know about until a few days ago. To Kimberly this felt like her own personal hell.
That statement alone hurt more than any beating or name calling she had ever endured. Kimberly glanced over her shoulder at the waiting woman. "You're the only one that feels that way."
It looks the same as it did the last time she was here. There's a new table or a new plant here or there, but other than that she feels like Grace is going to walk out of that kitchen with a smile on her face.
But she never does.
She takes the stairs by twos and walks the simple hallway admiring the pictures along the wall. They've changed. They're more up-to-date. Ones with Kimberly in them. She sees Brooke in a few and her little sister, Alison, in some. She sees a couple of pictures that she doesn't want to remember, ones that hurt to see that smiling face and remembering how happy they used to be together. She shakes her head, ridding the thoughts of what used to be, and continues on.
Katy's room is different. It's always different when she comes to visit. She either has too much stuff in it or not enough and it's up to Kimberly (in Grace's words) to fix it. It used to be their bonding thing. She'd come down for a few days and the two of them would lock themselves in Katy's room with the music blaring while Kimberly found some way to make her bedroom 'cool'.
Eventually, though, it ended once the visits became shorter. She didn't realize how much she missed it until now.
Her phone's vibrating and she hesitates to answer it. She thinks that's how it'll be when she goes to answer a phone for now on.
"Hello?" She says once she sees Brooke's name flash across the screen.
"Hey." Brooke says happily into the phone. It's past ten and if Kimberly's correct, Brooke just put Ally down to bed and Julian's working on some script. "How are you? How's work?" It hit her now that the world didn't stop moving because of Grace. Brooke had no clue and it was Kimberly who had to tell her.
"Not good actually." She sighs heavily. "I'm not in Chicago, mom." She says remembering now that her 'real' mom is dead and her 'other' mom is in Tree Hill. She should feel lucky to have two, or had two.
"Then…"
"It's Grace." She stops her. "She uh…she, she…" She's stammering. She doesn't want to say it and she's praying that Allison wakes up with a nightmare to distract her. "She, she…she's gone, Brooke. She had a stroke."
Kimberly can hear the breath hitch in Brooke's throat. She can feel the shock throughout her body and can already hear the sad tone of her voice.
"Kimberly, I'm…" She trails remembering how much her daughter hates to hear 'I'm sorry' in these kinds of situations.
"Yeah I know." Kimberly says quietly walking into Grace's bedroom and staring at the little things along her dresser. "I got in a few hours ago and the funeral's Friday."
"We'll be there." Brooke says quickly.
"No…no. We're uh…we're flying to Mississippi so she can be buried next to Jacob."
"Kimberly…"
"I know you want to be there, Brooke, but Ally has school and you have work and I…I need to do this alone."
"Okay."
"I'm sorry, Brooke, but I…"
"Kimberly, I get it." She says. She does understand. Brooke knows if Kimberly needs help she'll ask. But in some situations she thinks she needs to do things alone. "How's Katy?"
"I don't know. She was asleep when I got back from the hospital." Kimberly says picking up an old picture of her and Katy when she was sixteen. She takes a seat on the bed and stares at the picture of happier times and she tries to pinpoint the exact moment when things got too hard.
"I don't know what to do, mom." Kimberly admits quietly.
"Yeah you do. You just don't know it."
"That makes no sense." She chuckles into the phone.
"It will. Everything's going to be OK, Kimberly."
"You've been saying that for years, mom." She says remembering all the times when Brooke would tell her that one statement. It was sort of their motto. Brooke would tell her that when she was down and it always gave Kimberly hope for light at the end of the tunnel. She used to believe it – over time, though, it faded.
"Just trust me."
"Alright." Kimberly says, too tired to argue.
"You should get some sleep. I'll let you go. I love you, Kimberly."
"I love you too, Brooke." They hang up, leaving Kimberly still staring at that picture of her and Katy. It's weird how much time has passed. It seemed like just yesterday her and Katy were just meeting. They were strangers that were sisters. Now…it was the exact same. She didn't know Katy anymore. Kimberly thought she did, but really she didn't.
Things have changed and not for the better.
She fell back on the bed that used to be her mother's, with that picture clutched to her chest. Her heart raced and her mind shut down. She was too tired to think about how wrong this was to sleep in this woman's bed. But it was an easy sleep.
And she hates herself for that.
^v^v^v^
"Hannah, come on! We should have been on the road an hour ago!" Kimberly yelled from outside as she walked up the porch and into the house.
Hannah was in the kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee at the table with Grace. Her bags were by the door for their summer long roadtrip and if Hannah thought Kimberly was taking those out to the car then she had to be kidding herself.
"I don't know who you think I am, but I'm definitely not carrying those bags out to the car for you." Kimberly said pointing over her shoulder to the bags. Hannah pouted and slowly got up to carry the bags. Kimberly smiled proudly before walking over to Grace and embracing her in a hug. "Hey, mom."
"Hey. You guys almost ready to go?"
"Almost" She nodded. "We just have to finish getting the car packed and say our goodbyes."
Grace smiled tucking a strand of hair behind her daughter's ear. "You know, I'm gonna miss you this summer, right?"
"Yeah, I know. Where's Katy?"
"She's upstairs." She nodded towards the staircase.
"Okay. That's it, the car is packed, let's go." Hannah said barging in jingling the keys in the air. The mother and daughter laughed. "I'll go get Katy."
When Hannah left, Grace turned back to Kimberly and looked her straight in the eye. "You be careful, OK? You never know what kind of crazy people are out there."
"I will." Kimberly nodded. "We'll be back by the end of the summer."
"You better be." Grace said hugging her one last time. They broke apart when they heard footsteps descending down the stairs.
Kimberly walked over to Katy while Hannah went to say her goodbyes to Grace. Kimberly bent down to Katy's level and before either said a word Katy hugged her.
"I'll only be gone for two months, OK? And then we'll have a whole month to ourselves."
"Promise to send me stuff?" Katy asked with such innocence.
"Of course." She said ruffling through her hair. "Now you be good for your mom. I love you, kid." She said hugging the tiny girl one last time.
"I love you too, Kimberly."
"Kimberly. Kimberly." She could feel someone shoving her, but the sleep was too much for her. Her name was being called louder and louder and the nudging against her shoulders became harder. Finally her eyes fluttered open.
Hannah stood at the side of the bed and watched as Kimberly rolled over and wiped the sleep from her eyes while trying to remember exactly where she was.
"What time is it?" Kimberly asks sitting up from the bed.
"About 10:30. Did you really sleep in here last night?"
Kimberly glances around the room and then down to the bed and she feels bad for letting herself sleep here of all places. "I guess I did." She says with her voice rusty. "Where's Katy?"
"Downstairs." Hannah says pointing behind.
Without a word, Kimberly hopped off the bed and down the stairs to find Katy. The feeling in the pit of her stomach came back and she found herself clutching the railing on her way downstairs.
She found Katy outside on the back porch just sitting there staring out into the yard she had grown up in these last few years. With a sigh, Kimberly opened the door and stepped outside.
"Hey." Katy looks over her shoulder up at her older sister, but didn't respond.
"What the hell is that?" Kimberly asks pointing to the cigarette in her little sister's hand.
"A cigarette." She says bitterly.
A small laugh leaves Kimberly. She can't believe her fifteen year old sister is smoking. This kid really has changed in the last few years. "Since when did you start smoking?" She asks taking an unwelcome seat next to her.
"Since a girl in my algebra class asked if I wanted a cigarette." Katy says not making eye contact with her.
Kimberly nods, understanding that she wants to be alone, but she's not leaving. Everyone left her when she needed someone; Kimberly's not going to do that to Katy.
"Fair enough." She says looking out to the yard. "You want to talk?"
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Katy, there's everything to talk about."
Katy scoffed, flicking her cigarette to the ground. "Well, then there's nothing I want to say to you." She says before getting up and heading back inside.
"Look, Katy." Kimberley stops her. "I know I haven't been around that much, but I'm here now."
"Would you be here if mom wasn't dead?" Katy asks in anger. It took Kimberly's breath away and she can't look at her own sister, because they both know the answer. "That's what I thought. Just don't bother, Kimberly. Go back to Chicago."
Kay turned to leave and this time Kimberly didn't stop her. She just stood there looking beaten down. Seeing that version of Katy reminded her so much of her old self. Lost and helpless, but trying not to show it.
"That didn't go as well as you panned, did it?" Kimberly turns around to find the voice that she's sure is just in her head. But there's no one there.
She turns back to the spot where Katy just was.
Maybe she could be Katy's Brooke.
^v^v^v^
"How'd it go?" Hannah asks when Kimberly walks back into the kitchen. She's fixing breakfast and Kimberly's not sure why. She's not hungry and she knows Katy's not. Maybe because Grace did it and they're used to it. Maybe because it's just something normal out of a day like this.
"Not good." She says deciding not to divulge in any details.
"Well, how are you doing today?" Hannah asks setting down a cup of coffee in front of her friend.
"Not good." She repeats. "How do you not want to burst out crying?"
"I did all my crying last night. It seems to be the only time when I think about how great Grace was." Hannah says earning a nod from Kimberly. "I'm just trying to keep a brave face for Katy."
"She seems to be taking it pretty hard." She says looking up to the ceiling where they both can hear the angry music from Katy's bedroom.
"Are you talking about that?" Hannah asks pointing to the ceiling. "She's been like that for months. I swear the only time she's different is when she's up on stage singing and when she found out about Grace of course. I've never seen her so blank in my life."
Kimberly sighs. "I don't know what to do, Hannah, with Katy, with the funeral or with anything. I feel helpless."
"We'll take care of Katy." She says reaching over and laying a hand on top of Kimberly's. "And before Grace died she planned out the entire funeral. Everything's paid for."
"Of course." Kimberly sighed. "So, Friday we'll be in Mississippi burying my mom. What happens after that?" She asks looking over to Hannah for any form of an answer.
"Things are going to get really interesting."
^v^v^v^
"You'll get over it…It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?" – Anonymous
Just so we're clear, give me two chapters of Kimberly/Katy time as they deal with the funeral and such and I promise we'll be introduced to the Tree Hill cast. It's just how I planned the story and I already have those chapters written out. So, I hope you enjoy and until next time...