Chapter 1

1 month later

I stared blankly at the wall in front of me. I could hear the clock on my wall slowly move as it counted the seconds. Tik Tok Tik Tok Tik Tok It almost felt like it was mocking me. How could time keep going on when it felt as if my world had ended? Tik Tok Tik Tok Tik Tok Tik Tok

I picked up the lamp next to my bed and threw it at the clock on the wall. It struck it and the clock fell to the floor and with a last Tok it was finally silent. My eyes moved back to the wall staring aimlessly.

Look at what you've become. You may not be a blood whore, but you're not much better.

How could he think that of me? How could he believe that I would give myself to anyone other than him? I'd even tried to move on with Adrian, I'd tried to have a relationship with him but I had never been able to give that much of myself away. I couldn't, Dimitri had all of my heart and he didn't seem to want to give any of back. I felt like he was keeping part of me hostage, he didn't want me but I couldn't help but want him. I couldn't free myself of him. My eyes closed and his face was the first thing that came to me. My dreams were of us in the cabin and after when he said he'd always be with me.

Apparently that had been a lie. He didn't want me anymore. He didn't need me anymore. He had Lissa. Lissa who he pledged his life to. Lissa who may have put the stake in his heart, but had in no way been the one to truly save him. I closed my eyes and tried to forget myself for a minute, and moved into Lissa's head.

She was sitting in her room with Adrian apparently just finishing up with a spirit lesson. I could sense the darkness that was fresh on her mind and tugged it away.

Adrian sat across from her and drank from a can of soda, "Have you seen Rose lately?"

I felt Lissa's irritation and annoyance at me, "No, she can take care of herself."

I was shocked, what had I done to Lissa to make her feel this way? I had been supportive of her trying to help Dimitri even when she chose him over me.

Adrian seemed just as shocked as me when he looked over at her, "How can you say that? Rose is your best friend, and with everything that's going on with Dimitri you know she's hurting. I haven't seen her in a few weeks and I'm worried that there might be something really wrong with her."

Lissa laughed, "What do you mean, how can you not have seen her? You guys were all over each other last time I saw you together."

He frowned, "You know we aren't together anymore, we were drunk and she needed to know that Dimitri still cared about her. We were just putting on a show."

"Well, ever since that show I've had to deal with Dimitri and it feels like I've had to go back to the beginning." I could feel her begin to get angrier by the second, "And you guys should have known better than to push him when he's so fragile. It wasn't right and if she got hurt it's her own fault."

Adrian stood up and started walking towards the door angrily, "How is it that you can push away your best friend's pain when all she's ever done is be there for you and help you when you had no one else? She deserves better than that from you and from him. He had no right to hurt her the way he did and as much as I had to say it he knew that she loved him. Hell she still loves him and he just keeps walking all over her heart"

Lissa turned her eyes to him and shouted, "Don't you think he deserves better that someone who is willing to throw herself at anyone just to get a reaction out of him?"

Adrian opened the door and started walking out, "If that's what you think of her then you should just stay away because I don't think she needs any more pain in her life right now."

The door closed and I felt Lissa's anger increase. She thought Adrian was being unfair and that I was strong enough to deal with my own problems without her help, Dimitri needed her and he was fragile he didn't have my strength.

I pulled myself out of her head and was shocked to feel tears on my face. I honestly thought that I didn't have any tears left to cry. How could my best friend not understand that I needed her now more than ever? I felt shattered. The only time in the past month I had even left my room was for my shifts which unfortunately were filing due to still being on punishment from my trip to Alaska. I doubted I'd be assigned as guardian to anyone anytime soon and to be honest I was okay with that for now. I didn't feel like I had anything left to give or any motivation to protect anyone.

The only person who had even tried to see me in the past month had been Adrian. He'd come by once a day and knock. I knew he had to have known I was here by my aura but I couldn't make myself get up and answer the door. I'd lie on the bed and listen to him try to get me to come to the door before finally giving up and leaving.

My thoughts were interrupted as I heard a knock on my door and I knew it had to be Adrian. His voice came through the door, "Come on little dhampir, I know you're in there and I'm not leaving this time."

I stayed in bed. I didn't want anyone to see me like this; I knew I looked like hell. I hadn't slept much at all in the past month and hadn't cared much about how I looked.

"I have doughnuts. You know you want one, come on Rose. If you don't open the door I'll compel one of the desk staff to let me in."

I groaned. I knew he wasn't joking, I'd ignored him for almost a month now and I knew he was worried about me. I stood up and walked to the door and let him in.

He took one look at me and said, "You look like hell, Rose."

I took the bag of donuts he was holding and walked over to the bed. "Thanks so much. I always knew you cared."

"What the hell happened? You weren't fine the last time I saw you but you sure as hell were 100 times better than this."

I picked one of the donuts out of the bag and began to nibble on it. I hadn't eaten much in the past few weeks and I knew that I had lost some weight, but it just didn't seem to matter anymore. As he looked me over I tried to brush it off. "Nothing happened, I'm fine."

"You are not fine, have you even seen yourself lately? Tell me what's wrong Rose, did something happen with Dimitri?"

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the sound of his name, but it was too late. I angrily wiped the tears away from my eyes and he came over to sit on the bed beside me.

He put a finger under my chin to make me look at him, "Rose, tell me what happened you can't keep everyone out. Let me help you."

I broke. I'd been holding it in for so long that it was like a dam breaking and I sobbed into his chest as I tried to tell him what had happened between me and Dimitri. "That night we made out in the lounge I found him waiting for me outside of my room. He got onto me and called me a blood whore, but then he said he didn't mean it." Adrian sucked in an angry breath and I could tell that he was trying to stay calm and listen to my story. "After that he kissed me and we ended up in here."

Adrian's eyes looked me over, "Did you have sex with him?"

I nodded as tears continued to flow down my cheeks. "I woke up a few hours later to him trying to leave and I asked him where he was going."

"What happened?"

I looked away from him and whispered, "He told me that I might not be a blood whore but I wasn't much better and that he didn't love me."

I could feel Adrian's arms tighten around me in anger and I could tell without looking at him that he was furious.

I looked back at him and whispered, "What did I do Adrian? Why would he think that about me and what made him stop loving me?"

Adrian looked down at me and he seemed to get more furious, "Rose, don't you ever think that you did anything to deserve this. You loved him. You loved him so much that you made the impossible happen and you brought him back when no one else thought it was possible."

I wiped some more tears from my eyes and took another bite of my donut, but something about it just didn't seem to taste right and my stomach seemed to revolt against it. I ran to the bathroom and just managed to get to the toilet before throwing up everything I'd just eaten and more.

Adrian pulled my hair back and held it for me even as I tried to push him away. "Stop being silly Rose, everyone gets sick sometimes."

I groaned, "Not me."

He laughed as I stood up and brushed my teeth to get rid of the horrible taste in my mouth. "Maybe you should go lay down, are you feeling any better?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I'm still a little nauseas though."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the bed. "Lie down and take a nap. I'll stay with you."

I complied and curled up in the bed while he held me close. I felt my eyes getting heavy and for the first time in a month I felt a little bit better.

Adrian's soft voice whispered in my ear, "Sleep little dhampir, it will all get better."

And as I faded into sleep I wished that I could believe that was true.

The next few days were a little better. Adrian brought me food each morning and made sure I ate it even though I continued to be ill. He also forced me to leave my room and at least walk around court for a little while before going back. It was on one of these trips a few days later that I ran into Lissa and Dimitri.

We were walking around the shopping district and looking at all the window displays when we noticed them sitting inside a small coffee shop. They were talking and laughing at some joke. Adrian cursed beside me and tried to pull me away, but before he could I looked back one last time and saw Lissa lean down and kiss Dimitri on the cheek.

It was a completely innocent gesture and it probably meant absolutely nothing to either one of them, but with my heart already shattered I couldn't stand the idea that not only was the love of my life no longer with me but apparently my best friend seemed to care more for him than she did for me.

Adrian and I ended up sitting on a bench in front of the park watching the children play. It was a nice day and the warm air felt good against my skin, but just as we were sitting down I felt my stomach roll and ran to the trash can to throw up what little I'd eaten for breakfast that morning.

I felt Adrian come up behind me and once again hold my hair for me. He looked down at me with a strange expression on his face as he watched a young mother pushing a baby in a stroller down the path in front of us.

I looked questioningly at him, "What's wrong?"

He looked back at me as if he was trying to decide if he should tell me what he was thinking, but at last he seemed to come to a decision and asked me, "When was your last period?"

I laughed, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Humor me."

He looked so serious that I had to stop and think, but then I realized that I wasn't sure. I had to have skipped it this month because I know I hadn't had one in the past few weeks. I closed my eyes as I realized what Adrian was trying to say. "I'm not sure, but I think I've skipped it. But what you're thinking is impossible. You know two dhampirs can't have children together."

He nodded, "I know but neither you nor Dimitri are normal dhampirs. Think about it, when you died and Lissa brought you back to life she could have healed whatever it is that keeps you from having kids with another dhampir. If you think about it Dimitri's not normal either, I mean he was brought back from being Strigoi. How could that not change him?"

My eyes widened. What he said made sense, but it couldn't be could it? What would I do if I was pregnant with Dimitri's baby? He already though I was a whore. He would never believe the child was his. "What am I supposed to do?"

Adrian grabbed my hand and started pulling me back towards the stores, "Let's get a test, it may not even be true. I could be wrong."

He hurried back to the drug store and we quickly bought three different tests before running back to my room. He handed them all to me and I peed on the small sticks before returning to the bedroom to sit with him while waiting for the results.

I felt an overwhelming urge to sob. How could these things keep happening to me? How had my life gone from being so planned out to so completely unpredictable? All I'd ever wanted was to be Lissa's guardian. Now that future not only seemed unlikely but almost impossible.

I heard the timer go off and looked over at Adrian, "I can't do it. You go look."

He nodded and went into the bathroom. He came back a minute later and he looked like he wanted to cry for me. "It's true isn't it? I am pregnant."

He just nodded and walked back over to where I was sitting on the bed. "We'll figure this out Rose. Do you want to keep it?"

I'd tried to hold them back but the tears in my eyes were beginning to be too much and for what seemed like the millionth time this week I was sobbing on Adrian's chest. He let me cry it out until I had nothing left then just held me while I was thinking about what I wanted to do.

There really wasn't a choice. Whether or not Dimitri loved me I would always love him, and getting rid of his baby was not something I wanted to do. It was ridiculous but even now when I was barely a month pregnant I already felt as if this baby was my lifeline and a part of what I wanted so terribly from Dimitri. It was a piece of me and a piece of him that would love me regardless of what Dimitri thought of me. But at the same time I couldn't stand the idea of staying here and seeing Dimitri every day while I grew more obviously pregnant with every passing day. He already thought I was a whore and it would just seem that this would prove it to him. He would never believe that the baby was his.

I took a deep breath and said, "I'm going to keep it, but I need out of here. I can't stay here with him constantly being everywhere I look. I need to get over him and try to find a way to be happy again."

Adrian looked down at me with sad eyes, "I understand, but where will you go?"

That was a good question. I had no real family. I had my mother, but I couldn't stay with her. She probably would be the last to approve of any pregnancy and she took her guardian responsibilities very seriously. I had only recently started having a relationship with my father, and although I could honestly say I loved him, I still didn't think it would be the best place to go while being pregnant considering his mobster occupation.

Then it came to me, I did have another family that might not be blood, but I thought would probably accept me as I am.

I looked up at Adrian, "I'm going to Baia."