Hercules and the Geek Tragedy
(Author's Rantings: I'm barely into the second chapter and already the minimal bastardization of Greek Mythology has become raping it with sandpaper. Oh boy, wow... when I originally went about this I was going to turn it into something completely different but then I realized Disney took a lot out of this myth for the movie. They just applied it to Herc and Meg instead of Admetus. But for you guys who don't remember the story here's the Cliff Note version: Super nice guy Admetus finds a way to get the Fates to change the course of his death and agree to give him one year to find someone willing to go to the underworld in his place. After a year is almost up go figure no one is willing to die for him. Well no one that is except his wife Alcestis who goes lovingly in his stead and like a giant wiener he let's her. Poor Admetus is sad and realizes that a life without love isn't worth living. Instead of doing anything about it he waits until word of her sacrifice reaches the ears of his friend Hercules. Immediately the demigod leaps into action and runs all the way to the afterlife, gets into a wrestling match with Hades who's sissy pants he kicks, and then he takes Alcestis' soul back to her husband where the three of them live happily ever after. So yeah, even though young Herc comments on the fact that for a live guy he sure ends up in the Land of the Dead a lot I felt I'd be stepping on his and Meg's toes too much if I wrote about the myth as it was. So this is a really twisted version, beaten and cut into little pieces for the sake of good story telling. Hope you enjoy.)
Chapter 2: The Devil Faced Angel
In the hall of antiquity, amidst the sculptures and pottery of the ancient world Bob the Narrator's sagely voice boomed out across the museum walls:
"Now hundreds of miles away from Athens in the region of what is now modern day Thessaly, there lay the ancient kingdom of Pherae. It was a land covered in misery and the blood of ancient battles that would become synonymous with tyranny for centuries to come. For it was here in this land of ancient evil that only the strong survived and it's people were ravaged with savage winters and blistering summers. The crops where scarce and most of the land was covered in jagged mountains and dangerous cliffs. Monsters, wild beasts and brigands roamed the countryside terrorizing any poor souls foolish enough to stray far from the towns.
What villain could ask for a more perfect lair outside the mortal plane?
And oh what a villain indeed called this land his own.
It was here in Pherae that the evil King Pheres ruled with an iron fist. Cold, cruel Pheres sucked the lively hood out of his subjects with crippling taxes and days of grueling, back breaking labor. The evil king spent his days finding new ways to torment and oppress the weak. For there was no joy in twisted, black heart save one.
And that joy happened to not be his alone but the joy of all the people of Pherae. Because in this dreamless, hopeless, inhospitable city-state there was one soul that possessed a serenely honest and simple heart. And that soul just happened to be the king's own son, prince Admetus. For where his father was a dark and sinister man who cared only for himself, Admetus was a kind and naive boy loved by all-"
"Uh, Bob honey. Aren't you forgetting a crucial fact about our boy Admetus?" A voice asked before the fiery dreadlocks and slender frame of Terpsichore appeared from the corner of a nearby vase where she hadn't been seconds earlier. Letting out a sigh the narrator had long since stopped being surprised at the Muses' constant interruptions and he simply stated, "Before you ask what this has to do with Hercules can I please ask for a little patience, ladies? I will get to that part in just a moment."
"Sure thing, Bob baby." Thalia chuckled squeezing her plump frame out of a tight corner behind one of the painted temple scenes. "But you're telling the story wrong, honey. In fact you're missing the point."
"And what point is that?" Bob asked mildly curious at this point.
"Well," Terpsichore said eagerly covering her mouth with both hands as she took a minute to savor the juicy little secret, "It's true that Admetus was as kind and gentle as you said he was. But you're painting him out to be some kind of prince charming."
"Correct me if I'm wrong ladies, but Admetus is a prince is he not?" Bob couldn't help but state.
"Mmm hmm, well that child is about as close to being Prince Charming as Hades is to being Cupid." Thalia snickered. Scratching his invisible head the Narrator was unable to share in their jokes, "Ladies, I fail to see what the boy's appearance has to do with anything as far as the story goes."
"It has everything to do with it, Bob!" Thalia interjected. "Believe me, all you have to do is take one look at the kid and you'd get what the big deal is. But here! Instead of telling you about it, let's just show you!" And with that the two sultry songstresses began to tug at a nearby tapestry and with their simple act the very fabric of time, space and Disney reality was altered as the image of the Pherean countryside suddenly appeared.
And far to the distance was the black marble palace of King Pheres.
It was then a young man riding a white horse approached the gates. His blond hair blew in the wind as he gallantly strode up to the entrance and dramatically vaulted off the creature's strong back. The boy's face looked like it had been carved by the Muses themselves, why the very stars seemed to twinkle from the deep blue pools hidden behind his long black eyelashes.
The youth looked like a prince from some fairy kingdom not yet created as he removed his soft leather gloves and traveling mantle and ascended the stairs to the entrance. A more perfect Grecian beauty could not be found short of Olympus as his blond hair, lightly curled rustled with every step he took.
"Okay Bob baby, that isn't Admetus." Thalia exclaimed waving her hands in protest.
"Oh." The sagely narrator replied. "It's not? Then who is it?"
"No one important. He must be the messenger from Corinth or Troy or somewhere that has nothing to do with the story line." Thalia replied.
"Oh yeah!" Terpsichore chimed in, "I think his name is Ganymede or something." Getting back to the task at hand the petite Muse exclaimed, "Forget about him, he's not in today's cast." And just like that the camera was instantly turned away from the incredibly good looking youth. Instead the smallest of the Muses pointed to a strange craven figure hiding behind the large shadow of one of the dark stone pillars. "That's Admetus."
Crouched in the corner was a boy around Hercules' age. But while the hero in question was strapping and healthy this boy was slender and sickly looking bearing much more resemblance to a corpse than a person. Admetus was tall and gangly with hands and feet that seemed several times too large for his body. And his face alone could make a grown man cry out in surprise. For he had tiny black irises, and year-round ghost-pale skin that made him truly nightmarish to behold. There were large dark spots under his eyes which made him look as though he was mentally ill. A fact that was complimented by the masses of jet black hair that fell in messy curls around his ears and eyes as well as the boy's large almost pointed teeth that shined like fangs whenever he smiled.
Not a more evil looking person existed in all of Greece just short of the Lord of the Dead himself.
Even now completely unaware of the fact he was being watched Admetus was laughing to himself, his voice dark and sinister as he worked behind the column. No doubt torturing some poor defenseless animal or plotting some terrible act of villainy.
"... ... ..."
Bob was speechless.
After several seconds of dramatic silence the narrator turned to the Muses, "Are you serious?" He asked. "This can't be the right person." Shuffling around the man tried to find a copy of the script, "It says here that Admetus, prince of Pherea was admired and adored by all who knew him."
"That's why we said we had to show you." Thalia replied with a knowing smile. "But don't let his looks fool you. Watch." She said pointing back to the young man.
Contrary to how downright terrifying the youth behind the pillar was at a closer examination you could see that the sinister act of evil he was committing at this moment was feeding a small group of sparrows. In fact little birds of all color and creed had landed on the boy's thin frame as he angelically watched them and made sure each individual one got the chance to eat. "Easy there guys." The youth said tenderly as two of them landed on his head, "No need to shove. I have enough for everybody."
"Well... I'll be a monkey's uncle." The narrator said in quiet awe as he watched the young prince.
"You can't judge a book by it's cover, Bob baby." Terpsichore agreed. "And Prince Admetus was the poster boy for that statement. From birth he had a face that could inspire terror and despair in people's hearts just by looking at him. And that made his father King Pheres elated."
"At least up until the time Admetus was old enough to say his first word." Thalia countered. "Unlike his daddy, Admetus had no intention of being just another bad guy. And without a willing heir to his tyranny that fact broke his papa's heart. Oh the old king tried everything to get his son to see the error of his ways but the more he tried the more the angel-hearted Admetus would disappoint him. No matter what terrible task, or evil deed that man put the boy through Admetus didn't have a mean bone in his body. He couldn't lie, he couldn't cheat, why the boy couldn't even think a naughty thought. King Pheres was at his wits end, and afraid that if he didn't find some way to corrupt his son that he'd be the laughing stock of evil kings the world over. But nothing short of divine intervention was going to turn that boy bad, and you see that's where all the trouble started."
"What trouble?" Bob asked now once again resigning to letting the Muses tell the story in his stead.
"This is Ancient Greece, Bob." Terpsichore replied, "So when you have nothing left to go on but divine intervention, you normally resort to summoning a god."
"And let me see if I can take it from here." The Narrator said adding all the pieces to the puzzle, "That god was no other than Hades, malevolent ruler of the Underworld and an all around not nice guy?"
"Now you got the beat, Bob." Thalia and Terpsichore said in unison as the three of them had finally come to the end of their narration.
.........................................................................................
"What are you kidding me?" Came the annoyed response from the ever imposing smoke clad figure of Death himself. Crossing his arms Hades tried for once to keep his temper in check, "Let me get this straight, Pheres. You want me to take your son, who if I'm not mistaken, is still alive under my wing for few months as personal favor to you?" The flames on his head flickered then ignited into a deep crimson to illustrate his frustration as he seethed, "Should I even mention that wasting my time like this is dangerously tempting the Fates. And for what?" Throwing up his hands he finished, "You drag me all the way out here just so you can ask me to teach that little brat of yours some of the fine points of being evil."
With a cold glare that was as scary as death he sneered, "Oi. I canceled a perfectly good torture session for this?"
"Well when it comes to relishing in the pain and suffering of others, there's no better teacher than you Hades." King Pheres replied rubbing his hands together timidly which ultimately only made him look even more like the withered old vulture he was.
"Eh, granted." Hades agreed. "But I run a tight Underworld. Let me be the first one to say this: I don't take internships." Leaning against the cold slate on the King's throne the Lord of the Dead shrugged, "I mean don't get me wrong, Pheres I appreciate all the death and pestilence you've spread over the years, good work and all, it's just I hate kids. Especially the living, breathing teenage types too in touch with their sensitive side. I mean have you met my nephew? Ugh, talk about eternal torment!"
"Well surely we can come to some kind of arrangement, Hades." Clever Pheres thought after a minute of two of sinister plotting. "After all there must be something I can interest you in." Glancing at the very embodiment of death and misery that stood before him the old king stated, "You know rumor has it that you're collecting evil minions and various monsters for some evil scheme you have in the works."
"It's a real estate venture." Hades said nonchalantly. "But I may be expanding my horde of the undead here and there, picking up a few minions and what not. So go on, you almost have me interested."
"As you know the Stymphalian birds have recently migrated from their nesting grounds deep in the Stymphalian Swamp to the cliff sides of my kingdom and the border to Thessaly. I guess too many tourists and curious onlookers kept trying to find the Spring of Canathus and it finally spooked the birds." The King reasoned.
"Uh huh, good good," Hades replied fingering his chin, "And this concerns me why?"
"Well right now, the birds are only a minor inconvenience. They end up eating only the occasional shepherd or adventurer. Really they're not much more than overgrown turkeys. But with some tender, loving care and a steady diet of my subjects and maybe a few traveling heroes well who knows? They could be a fierce addition to your collection." The King said with a smile.
"Eh, the Stymphalian Birds." Hades said pursing his lips as he considered the deal, "Giant man-eating birds with brass wings, that does have some potential. I hear they roughed up the Argonauts pretty good back in the day." Glancing at the king he took a few seconds to bat the deal around in his head.
"That's right." Pheres exclaimed, "I hear they cut Jason's crew down to more than half! Why there was bird poop and human limbs splattered across the entire isle of Lemnos. I could have them ready for you in three months or less. That is if you'd be willing to extend a helping hand in regards to my son."
Throwing his hands up the Lord of the Dead let out a evil laugh, "Ah what the heck. I guess having one kid in the big basement for a few weeks can't hurt. It's not like it'll kill me. Besides, I saw the squirt on the way in and he has some potential." Scratching his head he muttered, "Creepy looking little yutz."
"So you'll do it Hades?" Pheres said eagerly.
"Yeah, sure, what the tartarus!" Hades replied as they shook hands and closed the deal. His mind was already lulling over the idea of what damage his army of killer birds could do to Jerkules' pretty face. Grinning widely the Lord of the Dead asked, "I mean, come on now. How bad can the little brat be?"
Little did the Lord of the Dead know he was about to find out.
(End Chapter 2)
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Spoilerpedia Glossary:
Stymphalian Birds: were a flock of giant man-eating birds with wings of brass and sharp metallic feathers that they could launch at their victims. They were pets of Ares, the god of war. Ridding the land of them was Hercules 6th of the Twelve Labors and some sources claim the Stymphalian birds were also the same avians that attacked the Argonauts during Jason's quest for the Golden Fleece. They were also the giant vulture like birds that Cassandra came up against in the episode Hercules and the Spring of Canathus.
Pherae: was an ancient Greek town in southeastern Thessaly. Several liberties about this place were taken for this story, especially since there is no such thing as a city-state consisting solely of villains. But in the centuries to come it would become famous as the home of fourth-century B.C. tyrant kings Jason and Alexander of Pherae. I thought it would be mildly amusing for story purposes to have it be Greece's first official evil kingdom.
Ganymede: In mythology Ganymede was considered to be the most handsome among all mortals, and for that reason he was abducted by Zeus in the form of an eagle and taken to Olympus to serve as a cup bearer to the gods and as one of Zeus' male lovers. Considering how completely creepy Admetus looks at first glance, I thought it would be a good gag to build someone like Ganymede up before introducing the audience to the real protagonist.