Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers
A/N: I don't know what's happening
Agent Coulson is still alive in this no fucks are given on my end
'thinking'
"talking"
"phone"
Chapter Two
Bruce twisted in his bed sheets. He had previously gone to sleep, but for the most part it had not been very good. He felt so restless.
A loud ringing interrupted his thoughts.
Opening an eye, he peered out into the dark room. A ray of light produced from the slightly open blinds of his window. Obviously, it was morning already. Still, the ringing continued. He heaved himself out of his bed and looked blurry eyed around the room. Was everything in… black and white? After rubbing the sleep from his eyes he checked again.
No. No it wasn't.
Other than that, his room looked rather different. There were objects he had never seen before amongst his sciencey stuff. Even if he did know what they were, he didn't own anything.
The ringing was coming from a small grey brick that was sitting on the desk in front of the new… mirror?
'Hulk, what do you think is going on? This isn't normal.'
No response.
'Hello?'
Nothing.
'Stop it man, you're scaring me.'
Nil. Nada. Absolutely zip.
'What the hell is going on...'
The ringing just kept ringing. Bruce walked over to the box creature.
"What are you? Don't mess with me. You know when I'm angry I can smash anything and everything and destroy every particle of your entire grey rectangle being, vibrating brick."
The brick said nothing. It was a brick.
Bruce slowly placed his hand over the top of the brick and turned it over. It was a Nokia. Surprised to have such an old model in the home of Tony Stark, he hesitantly answered it.
"…Hello…?"
"BRUCE!"
He heard a tiny voice. It sounded like… Steve.
STEVE.
"STEVEWHATTHEFUCKDOYOUWANTWIT HMEATTHISTIMEOFTHEMORNING!?"
There was no response. Bruce huffed as he held the now silent and slightly opened black box to his ear. He could have sworn he heard Steve before. Was he wrong?
"…Steve?"
"BRUCE THANK GOD! I just wanted to know if you noticed anything weird this morning! …have you? I found this box thing…it has buttons with numbers and there was a book that had 'Phone Book' written on the front and it had your name next to it…"
"Damn it Steve it's a Nokia: a mobile phone. I know weird stuff has been going on but that does not mean I appreciate you waking me up at this hour of the morning. I'm not even sure if the sun has fully risen yet"-
"It doesn't matter! Colonel Fury, Agent Coulson and Agent Hill want you to come straight away! Over to… um… hedquarters! That's the place! Everything seems to be going weird! Just, get here NOW!"
Bruce raised his eyebrows as he heard Steve fumble idiotically around his room before hanging up. There was a beeping noise on the other side of the Nokia now. He sighed and put it back down by the mirror. Whatever was happening wasn't exactly how he was going to plan his day. He was just happy that this wasn't happening on his birthday.
So on that note, Bruce decided to lock up his room and go to see what all the fuss was about.
Bruce finally reached headquarters. He stood staring at the large double doors.
'Headquarters didn't look like this before… did it?'
He shrugged it off, knowing that his once present best green friend was now no longer present to answer his questions.
Sighing, he pushed on the large mahogany doors, heaving under its new weight. The opened to reveal a large dimly lit room filled mostly with people he was familiar with.
"What the…"
Most of his team members and the working staff looked rather frightened: all dressed in their pajamas staring longingly at his teammates, otherwise known as the 'Avengers' for directions. He saw Tony amongst the crowd who began to walk over with a look of hysteria on his face.
"What's your problem?" Bruce asked angrily.
Tony held his stomach as he tried to refrain from laughing too hard but also crying in pain from being punched earlier.
"Banner, what are you wearing!?" he gasped between breaths and blueberries.
Bruce had really no idea what Tony was on about. He looked down at himself.
"Damn…"
Yes, Bruce had forgotten to put pants on or even button up his shirt or jacket since waking up. He was just so very tired that he fell asleep almost instantly. He was still in his little white underpants and baggy purple shirt. He felt so idiotic, so while Tony was trying to get attention of Steve he quickly buttoned his shirt and wrapped his brown jacket around his hips in attempt to hide his man shames.
Steve ignored Tony's taunts and called Bruce over to the small group that had formed. Moving closer, what Bruce saw astounded him. He was completely lost for words.
There was Fury, Coulson and Hill, dressed in the most unbelievable outfits that you could have ever imagined. First off, there was Fury.
There he stood in a tight knee-length black skirt that flared with frills at the bottom, hair tied up in a tight bun and small black spectacles sitting on his nose that, despite his eye patch, made him look very smart yet very… hooker. He also had amazingly large stilettos. Bruce was wondering how he could possibly walk in them. In one hand was a satin black clutch with his fingernails being painted a ghastly blood red. His top was a loosely buttoned black shirt with, let's just say there was lots of cleavage. His lips were painted with bright red lipstick and his eye was shaded with a pale grey eye shadow. It made his eyes look even more soulless.
There beside him was Agent Maria Hill. Well, she wasn't wearing anything too important. Just a nice lumberjack outfit.
Then last but not least there was Agent Phil Coulson. Bruce couldn't believe his eyes. On top of Coulson's head was a large black top hat. He had a monocle on one eye and a great big cigar in his left hand. He was sitting on a chair with one leg over the other and he was in a suit. A tie hung loosely around his neck as if he were out partying far too long the previous night. He had leather black shoes that slowly tapped the ground every so often, as if he were impatient with something. His ravishingly handsome face was stuck behind an open book.
Coulson looked up with a bored face at the new arrival.
"Oh, Bruce Banner, welcome. We've been waiting for you."
Bruce gave him a nod and looked around the group. "What was I called for here again? I don't think that I was ever informed. Are we going on a new mission?"
Fury's pretty face crinkled into a scared frown and Hill's turned into a grimace as she rubbed her forehead with her hands. Coulson's didn't change as he turned the page of his book.
"Bruce…"
The tone of his voice made Bruce uncomfortable.
"…Natasha Romanoff is dead."
Everyone stood in a painful silence. Clint Barton was crying into the arms of a rather pleased looking Selvig and Fury's makeup smeared slightly as he dabbed his manly tears with a tissue.
Bruce raised his eyes to Agent Coulson.
"…and this affects me how? I'm sorry, I just wasn't very close to her."
Coulson shrugged. "I don't know. You were just there."
"She looked like a mangled pig!" Tony exclaimed, a bit too excitedly.
Bruce nodded in acceptance and folded his arms. "Anything else? I feel rather deprived of sleep and I wish to leave here now and go back to my room so I can catch up on some shut eye."
Coulson sighed and shut his book. "Well, I suppose there is one more thing I can mention while you're here. It's just about how Natasha died. She didn't die naturally, I mean."
"Well, how did she die then?"
Coulson took a puff from his cigar. "Well, we aren't sure if the death was even accidental. We found her body earlier this morning. It most definitely didn't look normal…" She was dead, after all. "But," he went on, "her body was rather mangled. It looked like it was mauled by some sort of dog. The bites were too big for anything I've seen. So we have all come to the conclusion… there is a werewolf on the loose."
All the staff gasped. Except Bruce. He thought this was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.
He was about to mention something about it when the large doors burst open and Thor Odinson came screaming into the room.
"SON OF COUL, THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG INDEED!" he exclaimed. Bruce took a look at his face. Thor was pale and sweating furiously with eyes full of fear, which was extremely uncommon for a god of his power.
Coulson sighed again. "What is it, Thor?"
"THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH JANE!"
Coulson nodded and urged him to continue.
"I THINK SHE HAS CAUGHT SOMETHING FROM THE COLLECTION OF ILL IN YOUR WORLD. HER TEETH ARE SHARP AND UNRULY. SHE HAS BECOME PALE AND SHE CAN NO LONGER BATHE IN THE SUN'S GLORIOUS RAYS. SHE ALMOST TORE MS LEWIS'S HEAD RIGHT OFF OF HER BROAD SHOULDERS BECAUSE SHE SMELT OF BEEF FROM HER LUNCH. IT WAS EXTREMELY UN-YOUTHFUL. WHEN I CAME HOME FOR MY AFTERNOON FEAST OF MEN I FOUND HER SLEEPING FROM THE RAFTERS WITH HER WINDOW BLANKET AS A MAJESTIC CLOAK. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, SON OF COUL. I FEAR HER HEALTH."
Coulson rubbed his temple. "Thor… some time in a woman's life they have a time where…"
"SHE IS ILL YOU CANNOT DENY."
Bruce stood in silence watching the two bicker. Werewolves? Vampires? This could only lead to one thing…
'MY WISH!'
He finally remembered what happened last night! He wished with Hulk that today could be a horror movie day! He liked vampires… but that wasn't the point. His wish came true!
The arguing ceased as a side door on the opposite wall opened to reveal a figure walking through.
"Hey Coulson! Look! It's Natasha!" Steve barked.
She stood there: foaming from the mouth with scars covering her body, top to bottom. Pepper gasped a manly gasp and grabbed Tony's arm.
"You were right about the pig part!"
Natasha dragged herself up to a scared looking Nick Fury.
"Colnaleln Fry, iM feeli gn OK now ahsoluthely fIne."
Bruce's eyes narrowed. 'But wasn't she dead…?'
Coulson stood up dramatically. "Behold, everyone! A werewolf!"
Natasha gurgled and spilt foam down her chin like a farting ocean. "whOs a wht whYt noW/?"
Agent Coulson grabbed her by the arm and dragged her into a separate room, followed by everyone else eagerly.
"Just to make sure that's she's a werewolf or not, we will lock her in this room so we can observe her transformation when the moon rises tonight!"
Selvig raised Clint's oversize yaoi hand hesitantly. "But Agent Coulson, don't werewolves only turn on full moons?"-
"NO! They can change when I want them too!"
Bruce sighed and rolled his head back to look at the ceiling.
'I can tell this is going to be a long day…'