The ringing bell brought me out of my memories. I was glad for that since I
could not bear to sit there anymore thinking about that hot summer day. I
could never shake those kisses no matter how much I tried. I remember that
when Jeremy kissed me the first time I just thought to myself "That was
nothing compared to Eli, nothing at all." Now that I think about it I
wonder why I even dated Jeremy. He was a nice guy but really I was in love
with Eli and even though I had tried to fight it forever because of Rick
and Mom but I was never able to. I cared about Carla and she was my best
friend but even then while she dated him I knew that Eli was mine in my
heart. To hold someone in your heart and love them when they don't love you
is the hardest thing in the world. But Eli was there so ingrained in me
that I could not erase him no matter how I tried.
Jessie came up beside me, Katie on the other side, since I had found out about Jessie and Katie I had became close to them. They actually became my friends. It was funny since Jessie and I had at one time so many unresolved issues but I really care about her now and I like that she has a great person like Katie in her life. I wish Jessie could just tell the world but right now she can't and that is so sad. For now no one knew except for Eli and us and he had just found out recently. They were talking to me about a movie they were going to see in Chicago that night. I tried to act interested but I just couldn't get Eli off my mind. I did not know what to say to him and I knew he was going to be out in the parking lot waiting to take us home right now. Well, I guess I don't know anything.. Rick was waiting for us. I sighed when I saw him with a mixture of relief and disappointment.
Luckily I didn't have to talk much on the way home because Katie and Jessie were busy talking to each other and Rick spent the drive home talking about Mom's latest sonogram. He had baby on the brain nonstop since he found out she was pregnant. I guess that was good for me because I certainly could not talk to Rick about my unrequited love for his son now could I? I just do not see that conversation going well.. "So Grace you is in love with my son, your step brother? Well that is just peachy keen!" Yeah I am sure that is how it would go.
Late that night I was sitting on the couch watching an old movie and eating popcorn when Eli walked in. He stood there looking at me his hands in his pockets. "What do you want?" I asked sounding far bitchier than I had intended. I sometimes sound far harsher then I mean to. As a defense perhaps? He winced a little at the tone in my voice. "I just wanted to come in and talk to you for a second about this morning." I looked at the TV "What is there to talk about? I think that last summer you said everything that could be said." "Grace you are not being fair to me." he let the sentence trail off when he realized I was shutting him out. I heard the door shut softly as he left. Why do I do that? Why can't I just say the things I want to say to him?
(Flash back)
Eli did not talk to me about what happened. I kept waiting for him to come and say something to me, anything but he didn't. Instead he rarely talked to me at home. At Book Lovers things were different, there he would talk to me and joke with me. We had a really nice time but on the ride there and home he said nothing to me. Just the radio to stop the complete silence. Then came 4th of July. I had just started seeing Jeremy we had been on two dates and had planned to make the holiday the third date but his family insisted that he go to WI with them. Mom and Rick decided that a picnic at the lake would be the best way to spend the day. They wanted a real family day and had made Jessie come even though she had wanted to spend it with Katie. It was a typical 4th with kids screaming, sweaty people and the smell of hamburgers and hot dogs in the air. Eli was not very happy about going and he had made it clear. He complained the whole day. Zoe had begged Jessie to ride home with her, Mom and Rick and even though she did not want to she agreed anyway to make Zoe happy. That meant me and Eli had to ride home alone. That was the last thing I wanted was to spend an hour and a half with him ignoring me.
The car was silent for about ten minutes when he leaned over and turned on the radio. I had enough so I turned it off. He turned it back on and I turned it off. I looked through the windshield and saw that Mom and Rick were far ahead of us. "Stop it Grace!" he yelled and turned it back on. "No!!" I yelled back and turned it off. He quickly pulled the car over. "What the Hell is your problem?" He asked. "Nothing!" I snapped and got out of the car. I just started walking. I don't know if I thought I was going to walk all the way home or what but I sure did not plan to spend any more time in that car with Eli. I was so mad because he refused to really talk to me. I could hear him behind me walking fast to catch up to me. He grabbed my arm and turned me around. "What is wrong with you?" I looked up at him in disbelief "Wrong with me?" I could not believe he asked me that. "Wrong with me?" I asked again. "We kissed and not just a little peck but a real kiss and more than one. I felt something, something real didn't you?" He let go of my arm and stepped back. "I can't talk about this." He said turning and walking towards the car. This time it was me who went after him and grabbed his arm. "You think I don't know that? I have waited for you to talk to me about it and you have yet to say anything to me. You are fine when we are at work. You talk to me and tease me and then say nothing the rest of the time unless you have to and I don't understand why!" I felt tears on my cheeks and I hated it but was grateful for the dark because it was able to hide me somewhat. I didn't want him to see me crying. "Didn't you feel something Eli?" I asked again. "This has been there between us for a long time now. So tell me that you felt it too." So there I was opening my heart to him letting him see it for the first time and he responded with silence and then he answered me "No Grace not like you, not like you." He turned and headed back to the car and my heart lay there open on the side of the road.
I shook my head to shake off that memory. I look around the dark living room the old movie still on the TV and Eli nowhere in sight. I sighed and turned off the TV. When I got upstairs I turned off my light and sat by the window looking out at the garage. I could see the shadows of him moving and when I opened the window I could hear his guitar softly playing. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again like it did that night on the side of the road but I would not let myself get hurt again. Never again.
Jessie came up beside me, Katie on the other side, since I had found out about Jessie and Katie I had became close to them. They actually became my friends. It was funny since Jessie and I had at one time so many unresolved issues but I really care about her now and I like that she has a great person like Katie in her life. I wish Jessie could just tell the world but right now she can't and that is so sad. For now no one knew except for Eli and us and he had just found out recently. They were talking to me about a movie they were going to see in Chicago that night. I tried to act interested but I just couldn't get Eli off my mind. I did not know what to say to him and I knew he was going to be out in the parking lot waiting to take us home right now. Well, I guess I don't know anything.. Rick was waiting for us. I sighed when I saw him with a mixture of relief and disappointment.
Luckily I didn't have to talk much on the way home because Katie and Jessie were busy talking to each other and Rick spent the drive home talking about Mom's latest sonogram. He had baby on the brain nonstop since he found out she was pregnant. I guess that was good for me because I certainly could not talk to Rick about my unrequited love for his son now could I? I just do not see that conversation going well.. "So Grace you is in love with my son, your step brother? Well that is just peachy keen!" Yeah I am sure that is how it would go.
Late that night I was sitting on the couch watching an old movie and eating popcorn when Eli walked in. He stood there looking at me his hands in his pockets. "What do you want?" I asked sounding far bitchier than I had intended. I sometimes sound far harsher then I mean to. As a defense perhaps? He winced a little at the tone in my voice. "I just wanted to come in and talk to you for a second about this morning." I looked at the TV "What is there to talk about? I think that last summer you said everything that could be said." "Grace you are not being fair to me." he let the sentence trail off when he realized I was shutting him out. I heard the door shut softly as he left. Why do I do that? Why can't I just say the things I want to say to him?
(Flash back)
Eli did not talk to me about what happened. I kept waiting for him to come and say something to me, anything but he didn't. Instead he rarely talked to me at home. At Book Lovers things were different, there he would talk to me and joke with me. We had a really nice time but on the ride there and home he said nothing to me. Just the radio to stop the complete silence. Then came 4th of July. I had just started seeing Jeremy we had been on two dates and had planned to make the holiday the third date but his family insisted that he go to WI with them. Mom and Rick decided that a picnic at the lake would be the best way to spend the day. They wanted a real family day and had made Jessie come even though she had wanted to spend it with Katie. It was a typical 4th with kids screaming, sweaty people and the smell of hamburgers and hot dogs in the air. Eli was not very happy about going and he had made it clear. He complained the whole day. Zoe had begged Jessie to ride home with her, Mom and Rick and even though she did not want to she agreed anyway to make Zoe happy. That meant me and Eli had to ride home alone. That was the last thing I wanted was to spend an hour and a half with him ignoring me.
The car was silent for about ten minutes when he leaned over and turned on the radio. I had enough so I turned it off. He turned it back on and I turned it off. I looked through the windshield and saw that Mom and Rick were far ahead of us. "Stop it Grace!" he yelled and turned it back on. "No!!" I yelled back and turned it off. He quickly pulled the car over. "What the Hell is your problem?" He asked. "Nothing!" I snapped and got out of the car. I just started walking. I don't know if I thought I was going to walk all the way home or what but I sure did not plan to spend any more time in that car with Eli. I was so mad because he refused to really talk to me. I could hear him behind me walking fast to catch up to me. He grabbed my arm and turned me around. "What is wrong with you?" I looked up at him in disbelief "Wrong with me?" I could not believe he asked me that. "Wrong with me?" I asked again. "We kissed and not just a little peck but a real kiss and more than one. I felt something, something real didn't you?" He let go of my arm and stepped back. "I can't talk about this." He said turning and walking towards the car. This time it was me who went after him and grabbed his arm. "You think I don't know that? I have waited for you to talk to me about it and you have yet to say anything to me. You are fine when we are at work. You talk to me and tease me and then say nothing the rest of the time unless you have to and I don't understand why!" I felt tears on my cheeks and I hated it but was grateful for the dark because it was able to hide me somewhat. I didn't want him to see me crying. "Didn't you feel something Eli?" I asked again. "This has been there between us for a long time now. So tell me that you felt it too." So there I was opening my heart to him letting him see it for the first time and he responded with silence and then he answered me "No Grace not like you, not like you." He turned and headed back to the car and my heart lay there open on the side of the road.
I shook my head to shake off that memory. I look around the dark living room the old movie still on the TV and Eli nowhere in sight. I sighed and turned off the TV. When I got upstairs I turned off my light and sat by the window looking out at the garage. I could see the shadows of him moving and when I opened the window I could hear his guitar softly playing. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again like it did that night on the side of the road but I would not let myself get hurt again. Never again.