PHIL P.O.V
Retrograde amnesia. That's what they said he had, and it meant absolutely nothing to me. It didn't make any sense. I couldn't wrap my head around it.
How could he forget about me?
The lump in the back of my throat refused to go away. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to smash something. But more than anything I just wanted him to remember.
The way Dan looked at me, with panic and confusion and with no recognition whatsoever - it hurt. It physically hurt me. It felt like I'd been stabbed. Not that I know what that feels like. But the pain that pierced me, ripping through my entire body when he asked who I was, I'd imagine it feels something like that.
This couldn't be happening. It couldn't. This kind of thing only happened in movies and rubbish soap operas. It didn't happen in real life, to real people. It just… didn't.
"Where is he? Can I see him?" Dan's mum had just arrived, and judging by the worry in her voice, as opposed to the joy that should have been there at the knowledge that her son was awake, she'd been informed of the situation.
I shook my head. "The doctors are seeing to him now. No one's allowed in." I said emotionlessly. Which was why I was anxiously pacing back and forth outside his door instead of inside with Dan, begging him to remember me.
She nodded her head, swallowing. "He doesn't remember… anything?" she asked, pleadingly. She looked at me with hopeful eyes. As if I was going to laugh and say 'Fooled ya! It was all a joke! Your son's perfectly fine!'
Instead, I sighed. "I don't know." And I didn't know. I didn't know how much of his memories Dan had. That's what the doctors were trying to get a gauge on at that very moment. But I knew one thing for sure. "He doesn't remember me, though." I said, my voice breaking.
"Oh, Phil." She whispered, her eyes softening as she stepped forward to wrap her arms around me. She was a lot shorter than me, so I bent down a little so I could hug her back properly.
I didn't cry though. I wanted to, and I could feel the tears coming, but I knew that if I started crying I wouldn't stop. So I held them back, for the time being at least.
And that's how we stayed. For how long I couldn't say for sure. I was glad that she was there. That I had someone who understood what I was going through, and felt what I was feeling. I'd always gotten on well with Dan's mum, but she'd never felt so much like a second mother to me than she did in that exact moment.
We finally broke apart when the doctor told us we could go in. Dan was sat up on his bed, fidgeting with the sheets and his expression guarded. That is, until he saw us walk in.
His face immediately split into a large grin. "Mum!" he exclaimed. Dan's mum made an audible choking sound somewhere between shock and relief. She'd clearly been preparing for the worst.
She ran over to Dan and pulled him into a tight hug which he responded to with enthusiasm. "Oh my boy. My baby boy. You scared me so much." She said, in between the myriad of kisses she placed on his forehead and cheeks.
Dan glanced around at the doctors and nurses still in the room and his face flushed slightly. "Mum." He mumbled in protest, though he was smiling. I, too, was smiling at the happy reunion before me. Until I remembered my not so happy reunion, and the smile slipped from my face as quickly as it had appeared.
So he didn't forget everything. That was good. But I couldn't help but feel a little bitter. Suddenly that bond that I'd built with Dan's mum only moments earlier was severed. Dan remembered her. It was just me that he forgot.
I was overcome with a crippling sense of loneliness. I was completely alone in my pain now. Excluded from the happy scene before me I stood awkwardly by the door, not entirely sure what to do with myself. Although I had spent hours of everyday over the last month in this very hospital room, I suddenly felt like I wasn't welcome there. Like I was intruding.
There was a period of silence after Dan's mum had transitioned from suffocating him in her arms to simply holding his hand as she sat in the chair next to him. Dan's eyes met mine and he hesitated slightly before speaking. "So… uh, who are you?" he asked me again.
Though his tone was far more gentle now, apologetic even, the question ripped through me. I couldn't speak; I'd actually lost the ability to talk. I couldn't do this.
Dan's mum must have sensed my predicament. "That's your friend Phil. You remember Phil, don't you, bear?" She asked him, encouragingly.
Dan looked at me thoughtfully. I already knew his answer, and I didn't think I could handle having it confirmed to me again. It would only push the knife further into my heart. Dan shook his head slowly, and not only did it drive the knife further in - it twisted it mercilessly.
"I'm sorry." Dan said frowning slightly, but I was still unable to respond. What would I say anyway? It's okay? None of this was okay! It was the furthest thing from okay!
The doctors talked to Dan's mum for a bit about Dan's health and possible treatment. And when asked about whether the memory loss was permanent they responded with, "We just don't know at this point." Some doctors they were.
The whole time I stood awkwardly in the corner, leant against the wall and with my head down. Should I leave? What do I do? To Dan I was a complete stranger but to me, Dan was my world. I didn't know what the appropriate course of action was.
I was only half listening to the conversation at this point until something Dan's mum said snapped me out of my thoughts. "I think it'd be best if you came home with me."
I wanted to argue but I realised with sadness that it wasn't my place anymore. Besides, she was only doing what she thought was best. And she was probably right. Dan wouldn't want to go back to a foreign apartment with a total stranger. So I kept my mouth shut, as much as it pained me to do so.
Dan nodded at her suggestion. "Rather that than my depressing dorm." He chuckled bitterly. Dan's mum looked a little taken aback, as if she'd forgotten about the memory loss for a second.
"Honey, you dropped out of uni. A few years ago actually."
It was Dan's turn to look shocked. Shocked, but not necessarily upset. "Really? So no more law, huh? Can't say I'm going to miss it." He laughed. "Where do I live, then?"
Dan's mum met my eyes as she said, "You live with Phil." Dan's eyes flicked up to me too, but I couldn't hold his gaze for very long. I gave him a feeble, half-hearted smile before hastily resuming my staring at the floor, biting my lip to keep from screaming.
Dan's next words seemed too good to be true. I was almost positive that I had misheard them.
"Then I should go with Phil."