I've Seen Better Days

Notes

Here we are, the next chapter of "I hope you had the time of your lives."

I had hit a wall half way through writing this, it just wasn't coming together like I wanted it to, then my musical muse stepped in again; when driving home from work through the vineyards I heard the great Australian artist Pete Murray's "Better Day's" and suddenly Edwards point of view became clear, I encourage you all to listen to it before you read this, it says so much about what the boys are going through, but in particular Edward. Here's a link… watch?v=KZB-WAG9lSY

I have included the words below.

I should also mention the character of Rev. Ryan is based on a minister I knew about 10 years ago (minus the Irish accent) and the Monsignor in 'Guess who's coming to dinner' played expertly by Cecil Kellaway.

See end for more notes.

Better Days by Pete Murray

And I saw it coming
I saw emptiness and tragedy
And I felt like running so far away
Then knew I had to stay

And I know when I'm older
I look back and I still feel the pain
I know, I'll be stronger and I know, I'll be fine
For the rest of my days

I've seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

I noticed most things
But I didn't notice the change
It was hot in the morning
Then it turned so cold, 't was the end of the day

There was no condensation
I just felt like I was in space
I needed my friends there I just turned around
They were gone without a trace

Seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

Now I have just started
And I won't be done till the end
There's nothing I have lost
There was once placed upon my hands

And all of these hard times
Have faded 'round the bend
Now that I'm wiser, I cannot wait
Till I can help my friends

I've seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

Seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

Seen better
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

EPOV

Shortly Alice, Jasper and Rose were on the seen followed by Carlisle and an ambulance.

"Good work son." He said to me. I looked at him dejectedly. "You saved him."

"It's because of my stupidity he did this…" I said fearing Carlisle recriminations. A sharp wave of shock registered through him, a brief hint of disappointment, and then a wave of compassion. I should have known my father better. He put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder. Though there was still an underlying… frustration? No stronger than that… Carlisle could forgive easily, but we would be talking about today as a family, and as father and son before long. I dreaded it.

Noting my growing despondency he added "He's alive Edward, thanks to you. And where there is life there's hope."

Chief Swan took this inopportune time to come over to us. He gestured for Emmett to join us. He kept his voice low, and he was thinking he hated what he was about to say, but it was his duty.

"Boy's I'm going to have to take statements from you about what happened here later, so don't skip town." He thought he didn't need to add the last bit, he knew we were no trouble, but he always said it 'to cover his ass'.

"We'll be ready." Emmett said, I just nodded. Carlisle looked pained. He was thinking of how he could talk to Chief Swan and get him to keep a lid on this. Not only for the sake of our secret, but because of the shame a formal suicide investigation would bring on Riley and his mother.

Riley's unconscious body was loaded into the back of an ambulance. Emm escorted me over to his jeep which this time he drove. My siblings climbed back into Rose's red Mercedes convertible. Carlisle into his Black Mercedes saloon. And we followed the ambulance in a slow sorry procession.

Bella'sPOV

"Go to him… you may be too late!" Alice screamed.

I was startled out of my salad, I couldn't believe it, one minute Edward was sitting next to me watching me talk and the next minuet he was gone, his chair was in pieces and Emm was rapidly following him. I looked at Alice to see what she yelled for, she looked like she was having a conniption fit or something. Jasper was immediately comforting her.

"Alice what is it?" I asked concerned.

"She's having a vision," Jasper mutter so quietly only those at our table could hear. I had never seen Alice have a vision before… it was quite… creepy.

"What did you see?" I asked startled about what could cause Edward and Emmett to disappear with no notice.

"It's a family matter." Rose hissed looking at me pointedly. Bitch!

People were beginning to stare. "I'll get Alice to the school clinic, her headache is getting a lot worse." Said Jasper loud enough for the gawkers to hear. He led Alice out of the cafeteria and I sat in silence with Rose for a few seconds before she haughtily got up and marched off, not even announcing where she was going.

I got up and went outside where I couldn't be overheard, pulled my phone out of my bag and called Edward. It went to message. "Edward, what is it? When you get this, call me, I'm worried." I said then hang up. Returned the phone to my bag and headed off to class.

….

I was bored senseless in English, the teacher droned on and on and I had nothing to occupy my thoughts other than what had happened today. I tried to make sense of the Alice question but without any members of the Cullen family present I was at a loss. They had all disappeared now. This got me even more worried… So my mind began to wander back to this morning to "The scene" as it was beginning to be called around school.

Riley said "But what about us?" but it was in a strange way… not like 'our friendship', more possessive? Strange.

Then Edward replied "What about it… it's over." Friendship? sounded too definite for that, Edward used precise English most of the time, it was how and when he was brought up, he would have said 'our friendship is over' surely.

Then he said "Bella is part of my life now." Fair enough. "She is giving me what you never could." This was just after Riley had accused us of having sex. Wait a minute! Why the hell did he care whether we had sex or not… a friend may be jealous that his best friend was hanging out with his girlfriend more than him, but he should be happy that Edward was 'getting his leg over' as the boys charmingly call it. Surely, that's what guy's do don't they? Brag about their sex lives… not get jealous about it…

Holy Fuck! No no, Edwards straight… he's into me… he grew up when homosexuality didn't exist…. Well sure it did, but it was underground, illegal. Edward… no way. No how… Fuck!

"Miss Swan… are you paying attention!" Mr Mason said in a loud voice that knocked all further thoughts out of my head... but I was determined to get to the bottom of this.

….

After school, when Edward hadn't returned my call I rang him again and left another message. God I was starting to sound pathetically whiny, but I couldn't help it. I then called Emmett, I had stolen his number along with the rest of Edward's families out of his phone when he gave it to me to program my number in. It was what girlfriends were supposed to do weren't they? Lauren always did. Her list of ex's contacts was huge!

Emmett wasn't answering either. I called the rest of the Cullen's, the same response. What the hell was going on?

I then heard Lauren talking loudly behind me.

"And he like apparently went cliff diving! I mean can you believe it, Riley? I mean dorky Riley the nerd! Cutting class to go Cliff diving with the Indians? I said like please don't take me for an idiot." I didn't hear the rest, she was out of ear shot. It WAS completely out of character from the small amount I had seen of Riley. I dialed Jacob's number.

"Hey Bella." His usual friendly voice answered the phone.

"Jake what's happening down at La Push?"

"What? Nothing as far as I know, what have you heard?"

"Lauren just said that Riley cut school and was cliff diving with you guys."

"She must be menstrual or something," I rolled my eyes, Jacob was nothing if not unsubtle, "because we weren't there… wait. I'll ask dad." The phone must have been placed next to Jacob's chest for I could hear his mighty heart softly thumbing. It was a strangely compelling sound. "Dad, doesn't know; he's calling Harry, he went fishing down there this afternoon. Thought he'd try out his and Harry's 'newfangled' mobiles." Said Jacob teasing his father on his latest technological breakthrough, there was a loud thud and an 'owww' as Jake no doubt got a clip around the ears.

There was the sound of Billy on the phone, Jacobs breathing picked up, his heart rate became faster and louder. "Fuck, NO!" He yelled away from the phone and the line went dead.

I looked at my phone confused, then dialed again. It too went to message bank. What the hell is going on?

I was going to call Billy but thought against it.

I would just drive home and wait… Fuck, my truck wasn't in the lot, I remembered I got a lift to school with Edward, back when the day was great.

Edward's Volvo was still there, but Emmett's Jeep and Rose's Merc were gone. I didn't have the keys to Edward's car… Fuck!

I called Dad. I would have to try and explain to him why I didn't drive to school and why my lift ditched me. I'd probably have to walk to the station and wait for ever before he was ready to take me home. What a great day this was turning out to be.

Charlie's phone went to message as well. Arghhhh!

"Dad, can you call me back when you get this, I'm kind of stranded at school. Long story." I hung up and flopped down on the school steps.

At least it wasn't raining. A splat of water hit my face. Me and my big mouth.

….

EPOV

I sat there in the room in silence, my head in my hands, I only wish I could cry, I think it might release some of the pent up emotions I have.

Carlisle checks over Riley's limp body and Mrs Biers looks daggers at me, which was positively peaceful compared with her thoughts.

Mrs Biers was a formidable woman. The best way to describe her was like a 5 foot nothing Katherine Hepburn, bun and all. Skinny as a rail, but smartly dressed. No makeup. She meant business. I had gone from being her favorite to being her most hated student in the course of the last two years as my relationship with her son developed.

She of course didn't know the details. She carefully blocked any such thoughts from her Christian fundamentalist mind. But she had guessed we were 'unhealthily close'. More than friends… she was determined to put an end to it, and this was all she needed to do it.

"How is he?" I asked Carlisle to receive a rebuking look from my fellow visitor.

Fuck her, I could have just read Carlisle's mind and left her to stew, I thought I was helping.

"It's hard to tell while he is unconscious. His physical ailments are remarkably few. A contusion on the back of his head being the most serious, but fortunately there are no blood clots. His lungs are severely irritated by the sea water; he will need oxygen for the next day till the inflammation calms down. We've given him de-contestants and are regularly draining the remaining fluid in his lungs." Carlisle filled us in with his best doctor's candor. "My main concern at the moment, and we won't know for certain until he regains consciousness, is hypoxia."

My brows knitted.

"What is that?" Mrs Biers said concerned.

"In short it's when the brain doesn't receive enough oxygen, its cells start to die. In short brain damage." Carlisle explained.

"Oh God no, anything but that…" Mrs Biers said with her perfect vowels, you would never think she was Australian, more English…

For once I totally agreed with her. Riley was not athletic, he didn't like competitive sports at all, his stimulation came from his mind. His brain was always working on something. I should know, it never ceased. If it wasn't practical then it was fiction, his vivid visions of a better world, of his future or his historical re-enactments with Jas.

I know in a second Riley would prefer to spend the rest of his life in a wheel chair then be deprived of his best asset. His entire future revolved around him using his smarts to escape the poverty he was born into. To make a difference for the community, for the world in his grander moments. It would crush him if that were to go. I think he would rather die.

"He was pulled from the water by Edward not breathing… we aren't exactly sure how long that was for." That was my fault, Emm and I were too preoccupied to count how long it all took so it was our best guess from when his mind stopped till when he came too… "Probably no more than a minute, which is good, but with that and the knock to his head… the brain is such a sensitive organism, we can't tell till he's awake and we can run tests… in short we just need to talk to him to see if any damage was done." I could tell Mrs Biers wasn't listening anymore. Her whole world seemed to be spiraling down into a void of despair…

I knew that this wasn't going to end well.

She knew she needed to focus on something or else go insane, she needed someone to blame… She blamed Riley for being so stupid, but she couldn't yell at him yet… Her malice turned like a scimitar toward me. Her eyes trained on me like lasers. If her thoughts were deeds I'd be a pile of ashes on the floor right now.

"You are responsible for this…" She said menacingly. "You made him do this. You have been poisoning him all this time."

Carlisle looked at me sympathetically and tried to intervene. "Mrs Biers, Edward saved your son's life…" he paused, he thought to himself I was also the reason for him to risk it. The thought was like a slap across the face to me. Carlisle soon continued on, to regain control of the situation. He wasn't having a scene in his hospital. "If it were not for him pulling Riley out off the water he would have drowned."

Mrs Biers was paying no attention to him. She deeply wanted to scratch my eyes out, but her years of self-control kicked in and she simply said with all the bile she could muster. "Get out… My son will never see you again. Not if I can help it."

If Carlisle's observations were a slap across the face this was a dagger straight to my heart. She meant it. Every word. She was already thinking of lawyers. Lawsuits. Moving to Seattle to get Riley away from me. Moving back to Australia. She couldn't put enough distance between us. And Riley was a minor… he had no choice but to follow her.

There was a pain in my chest like I never had experienced. I guess this is what a heart attack must feel like. It was second only in agony to the change that burned through me 86 years ago.

I didn't know what to do. I could think of nothing to say that would change her mind.

Carlisle stepped between Mrs Biers and myself looking me in the eye. He whispered to me. "She has every right as Riley's guardian to expel you from this room. It might be best if you wait outside… I'll let you know when he regains consciousness." He said it with pity in his eyes. He knew what I was feeling. But all I could think was that my father had sided with his mother to separate us. He was expelling me from taking care of the man I loved. I fled the room. If I were mortal, tears would have been streaming down my face. But as it was my eyes were dry. The only sign of my grief was my face contorted in despair.

I looked at the crowd in the waiting room. My assembled family.

My eyes passed from one to the other. Each looked harshly at me… I read each of their minds… one by one the blows came.

Emmett had been remembering the runs he and Riley used to go on to burn off the extra food I plied him with at the dinner, and Esme's side splitting meals that Riley liked so much.

Emm seemed like a dumb jock, but Riley wasn't fooled. Emmett had spent his decades in college with no discernible degree to show for it. But he had studied History, philosophy, theology, politics, poetry and much more, anything that had taken his fancy. Riley had an encyclopaedia for a mind and as they jogged they would talk for hours on end about the meaning of life, the universe, everything. They also had a similar sense of humor that bordered on the filthy at times.

Emmett glowered at me. If Riley was brain damaged that would all be gone. Emmett's one true friend in all the world gone from him and it was all my fault, because I was so 'cunt struck' to use one of Riley's Australian idioms, to see the wood from the trees.

Rose remember that Riley was the first person who had not treated her like a stuck up madam. He had ignored all her jibes and general bitchiness; knowing it was a defence mechanism. He patiently waited and persevered. Rose knew he was the only person in the world that got who she really was. And I had taken that from her. Like I had taken her life, if it weren't for me Carlisle wouldn't have changed her.

Alice remembered the wild shopping expeditions that Riley and she went on. He had excellent taste that he had inherited from his mother and apparently his father. He also was the most patient person I had ever met. He would spend hours at malls with Alice as she tried on dresses and shoes and bags and hats… always with a helpful comment or a down right bitchy one if he was in a teasing mood.

But he also refused expensive presents, there was always a running battle between him and Alice when they came home about the expensive something he would have looked perfect in but he wouldn't let her buy it for him. I had never know someone harder to buy a present for. It wasn't just his pride, nor that he didn't want to be kept by us. He wanted to prove he could climb out of poverty without help… well without gifts. (Of course birthdays and Christmas were exceptions so we went completely over the top.)

Along these lines he had introduced her to second hand stores and she had fallen in love with them, always eager for a bargain. They would arrive home with the boot full of old crap that Alice would spend the rest of the week turning into treasures to sell on eBay. Or place around the house if she particularly liked them… Who would shop with her now? She didn't hate me, she felt sorry for me in a way, but she didn't know if she could ever forgive me, completely.

Jasper was heartbroken. He looked as miserable as I felt. Not only the history and military debates; finally, an equal to spar with. The dioramas they built and battles they re-fought. Napoleon never lost Waterloo while Riley was around, the arch Francophile he was.

But then there was the secret Jasper kept hidden from everyone but the one person he couldn't hide it from… Me.

He loved Riley as much as he loved Alice. Not in the same way. But deeply and truly. He had longed for it to go beyond the friendship they had… He could have just used his powers to seduce him. Being around Riley was torture at times, but his respect for Alice and Riley meant that he never pursued the idea.

All that could now be gone… if he was brain damaged would he be the same? Had his chance of a soulmate gone forever because of my stupidity. Jasper didn't hate me either... He had made many bad decisions in his life and he knew he would be a hypocrite to judge me. But he was so very very disappointed in me.

Then there was Esme. My loving mother. She had thought of Riley as another son. Their discussions about architecture had lasted for hours. Her hatred for Frank Lloyd Wright (whom she had briefly worked with at Taliesin and whom she thought was a dirty old man) sparked huge debates as Riley worshiped him. At the end of the day neither gave ground but both had to respect the others arguments.

If he was no longer who he was, would that be gone too?

She looked at me with such sorrow and disappointment. Her heart went out to me for my suffering, but she also knew I had hurt her with my carelessness, hurt her family. A similar carelessness I had shown all those years ago when I rebelled against their way of life… she would eventually forgive me. She was an infinitely forgiving and loving person. But the look of disappointment in her eyes crushed my soul and shredded my heart.

I fled the room, I couldn't stay there with this Kangaroo court that had already decided I was guilty… the worst thing was… I knew they were right.

I careered through the corridors of the hospital and out the doors… I just needed to get out of here.

A thought flashed through my mind… the Volturi… the only way to pay for my crime would be to end my life. Forfeit my soul and burn in hell forever.

If Riley was damaged because of me, unable to love me, I would go to Italy and beg to be realised from my binds… to pay for my crime.

As I crossed the parking lot I was paying no attention to what I was doing and I collided with a small elderly man, knocking him from his feet.

I instinctively bent down to help him up, checking if he was all right… I couldn't handle being responsible for another accident.

I gazed at the man… He was small and round, in his seventies and wearing a dog collar. It was Rev Ryan, the minister from the Congregationalist church that Riley had taken me to two Christmases ago. Who after some strategic prodding from Riley had opened my eyes to seeing that maybe I wasn't damned; at least before today.

Our family had become close friends with this spry Irish minister whose quick wit had everyone rolling in the isle; but who used his touch of the blarney to convey serious messages about what we should be doing to each other on this planet and what God really was all about.

I apologised profusely, but as was typical of this wonderful man he dusted himself of, quipped a joke that I didn't get and then posed a question to me. He was no fool. He knew I was devastated, he also knew very well the relationship I had with Riley; yet his sense of propriety never broached the subject. He knew one day when we were ready we would come and talk to him about it. And he would pronounce it blessed; in spite of what the church authorities said.

I remember one of his sermons "When the Lord told us to love one another, he never bothered to define that love… so how dare we." This was 6 months ago when the people in Forks were campaigning for a constitutional amendment to make marriage ONLY between a man and a woman. It made him no friends, but he gained a huge amount of respect for his courage.

I now knew why he was here. He was Riley's minister, he was to come to give spiritual sustenance to Mrs Biers and Riley if he awoke, or prey for him if he didn't.

He knew… and he knew in part why I fled. My lover might be at deaths door and I had been expelled by his mother. I wondered if he knew I was the cause of all this, would he be so caring? I made to walk off but he was having none of that.

"Slow down boyo and let an old man get a word in." he said grabbing my arm with surprising strength for his age. I knew he still enjoyed boxing. He and Billy Black used to spar before the later was confined to a wheelchair. He taught boxing and Pugilism among other things down on the reservation. It was where he met Mrs Biers, who while recovering from cancer and unable to work volunteered to teach afterschool music down there, and Riley, who escorted her and in his typically generous way helped the kids with their homework, which lead to him tutoring them in History and English for next to nothing… that's how he became friends with Jacob and the wolves.

After first meeting the Reverend, the Biers changed churches immediately and never had been happier.

"Now, I can guess why you're in a flap, but is there anything I can do… talk some sense into a certain opinionated person maybe." I smiled. It was all the confirmation he needed. "But there's more isn't there… you blame yourself don't you… he wasn't cliff jumping. Young Swatty Riley? Never! You had had an argument hadn't you?"

I moved to open my mouth but he raised his hand to silence me.

"There'll be plenty of time to talk about who's to blame when he's better. My god, the weight you must be carrying around with you… Atlas couldn't have held it up… You need to get rid of it laddie or it'll eat you up inside." He poked my chest in a friendly way.

I shook my head… how could I.

"Do you remember what I said the first time we met, that Christmas eve two Christmases ago… you were interested in whether there was any crime that God would never forgive… Riley as I can remember did all the talking as usual, he's a brave lad; you if I may recall were too frightened to ask."

If I were human I would have blushed at the memory.

"And do you remember what I said? I said "God is love, Jesus died so we would have that. If you are repentant of your sins, and believe in the love of the Lord, then you could have killed a thousand people and God would forgive you." He looked, tilted his head so he could look at my downcast eyes, being so short had its advantages for him.

"So then… how about we have a little prayer and you can be on your way and pass all that load on your shoulders up to one who has strength enough to carry it for you."

I nodded. We walked over and sat down under the one tree in the lot. As he was about to start I interrupted.

"Reverend." He scowled at me. "Mike." It still felt uncomfortable to call a man of God by his Christian name but still, I had bigger problems to worry about. "Can you pray for Riley instead?"

He looked confused. Then he realised. "You still think you are too far gone, that God won't even listen to you… worse; that you might even tempt his wrath into doing the opposite of what you asked…" he saw through me so well. "And I see you still want to drag that burden around for a bit longer… as punishment. You have that martyred look about you." He saw through me all too well. "Well I tell you what. We'll BOTH pray for Riley, and I'll say a little prayer later, for you. You know, even though you're going about it cart first your trying to live the word, putting others before yourself. You just like to do it in such a damned… theatrical way." A quick smile flashed across his face.

We bowed our heads and he prayed for Riley. I silently prayed, begging God to punish me to spare Riley. I deserved it, he didn't.

When we finished he rose and squeezed my shoulder comfortingly. "You have a surprisingly low body temperature Master Cullen…" All the air suddenly escaped my lungs. "You see you hang around the Red fella's enough and drink whisky with them till God knows when in the morning, you hear all sorts of strange things."

A wave of panic flooded through me. He saw it.

"Don't worry, as the wise man said 'there are more things on heaven and earth then are dreamt of in your philosophy Horatio…' I'll make that a prayer for you a goodn', just to make sure." He winked at me and toddled off leaving me sitting there in a stupor.

"Oh and don't be sitting there too long. I'm sure Riley will be wanting to speak with you when he's up to it." he called over his shoulder.

All I could do is get up and follow him into the hospital in a daze.

JacobPOV

I ran into the hospital from where Dad had dropped me off. I asked at every station were Riley Biers was and they directed me to the second floor waiting room.

The smell of leeches greeted me before I even opened the door.

Trust them to be here. It was getting mixed up with them that caused this… I knew it in my gut. They were bad news. I had told Riley that. But he was too cock struck on that leech to think straight. Now look what had happened.

"You Leeches just can't leave him alone." I couldn't help spitting out.

"Heal Goofy." The leggy blond leach hissed.

Another leech cleared his throat loudly and I turned toward him, it was Edward. I paled, standing next to him was Rev. Ryan. God, we nearly let the cat out of the bag.

"Well, obviously you lot seem determined to have a donnybrook, so I'll leave you to it and go and comfort Mrs Biers. I'd have about as much luck getting peace here as in Palestine." Rev. Ryan said shaking his head with a smile and toddled off into the room where Riley lay.

"Can't control yourself, like an incontinent puppy." Said the big leech.

"Keep that up and you'll be peeing through a catheter." I shot back. He raised his hands in the air and did the 'Ewww I'm scared' imitation.

I looked back at Edward… I couldn't be bother wasting time on the others, later maybe… I had a few choice things to say to the guy that had done this to Riley.

"You… I'm surprised yon have the nerve to show your face in here after what you did." I shoot at him, closing the distance between us. I was expecting Edward to return serve, but he just squirmed uncomfortably… good he's guilty. That will make this more fun.

"You just couldn't keep your blood sucking hands of either of them… Riley then Bella. What is it with you? And then you crushed him. Did you enjoy that? What have you got planed for Bella? Or is this some passive aggressive shit to get at me… because if it's a war with the pack you want, you'll get it, treaty or no…" I was now right in Edward's face. He normally would have retaliated, but he just looked at me. He hated me with every fibre of his being, but there was no passion in it. As if he was depleted, spent.

"Does Bella know what you got up to with Riley? Mmmm? Bet she wouldn't be so happy to jump in the sack with you when she finds out where it's been." I said obviously looking down at his crotch. That hit home, finally he looked like he wanted to rip me apart.

"Hey Mutt…" said the big leech "I wouldn't go talking too loud about things like that… there are a few choice things that we know about you that your little poodle buddies might not take to well to." I froze and then swung round to glare at him.

"What do you mean?" I fumed.

"You know exactly what I mean… talk about a hypocrite. You start spreading shit on us and we'll bury you in it."

He was serious… I couldn't believe it… how did he? How could they? I must have expressed some of these incoherent sentences because the big leech responded.

"Riley told Edward and Edward told us…"

"He told you…" I pivoted back to Edward seething.

"We are partners, we tell each other everything…" Edward said suddenly smugly, he had found my Achilles heal and he was going to exploit it the son of a bitch…

The big leech joined in… "Yea and since we're all family, he told us… especially when YOU were busy fucking up Edwards life… seems what goes around comes around." He said with an evil grin.

I was about to launch myself at the big leech when a strong hand descended on my shoulder. I swung round ready to deck whoever it was when I saw it was Dr Cullen with Dad next to him. He griped my shoulder like a vice, but there was nothing threatening in it, just an unshakable force.

"This is a hospital full of sick people. If you want to start a bar brawl go find one… that goes for all of you." Carlisle said scanning the room. The big leech deflated somewhat.

I went to protest but dad chimed in. "Jake, shut it… you're here to see how your friend is doing not start World War 3." I backed down.

"Jacob, I was just telling your father Riley's prognosis. He's seems ok, but we don't know if he has suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen. We will only really know when he wakes up and we can talk to him. We'll let you know when that happens" Said Dr Cullen in a professional manner as if the near brawl never happened. I nodded thanks.

"Good, that being said, I think we should get some fresh air, it's getting stale in here." Said Billy looking at the leeches and I fell in behind him.

As we were about to leave the room our path was blocked.

EPOV

Today was just getting worse. The Reverend knows our secret, then of all people Jacob Black turns up and starts acting like an ass hole.

I'm not up to fighting, I just can't focus. He tries his hardest to rile me into striking, but unfortunately I agree with everything he says. He's right. It is all my fault.

Fortunately Emm comes to my rescue. I know it's because he hates Jacob more than me; slightly more than me, but it's enough. He calls him on what we know and have kept quiet about because we don't deal in smut and also we don't want innocent people getting hurt. Who would it advantage? Despite disliking the wolves we don't really hate them… not with a passion… all the time. Or if I'm honest; it was really Riley that stopped us…

Carlisle then comes and brings order, and Billy Black rains in his errant son. Carlisle informs them all we know and they leave with a characteristic lack of grace.

Just as I am about to take a deep breath of gratitude that that is over I hear Chief Swan's voice talking to the nurse in the corridor… oh great, just what we need. An integration by him. Just great. Today couldn't get any worse…

I had to open my big mouth!

Just as Billy and Jacob are leaving their exit is blocked by Charlie, he steps aside to let Billy through and there standing in front of Billy in the doorway is… Bella…

Fuck!

No, no. No No no. NO! I can't deal with her right now. I know I need to talk to her, but it's just too soon, I need to think this through. I need to talk to Riley. I need… time.

"Edward!" she half yells relieved… "I've been calling and calling, what's going on."

I can't believe that Charlie didn't inform her of the basics… she knows Riley is my best friend, can't she work it out, does she need a dammed map? I am in no mood for this. Then I see the looks all my family are giving her, from Alice's cold indifference to Jasper's blind hatred. She has no idea what she has just stepped into. I feel sorry for her, it wasn't her fault. It was mine, now she is getting blamed along with me.

Carlisle takes Charlie out of the room, he's going to talk to him and try and get him to drop any formal investigation. He can question to get the story straight in his head, fine, but nothing in writing. Too many people will be hurt. I silently wish him luck, but then I see Bella and realize I need all the luck I can get myself.

She comes over to me. I can't meet her eyes.

"Edward, what is it? What going on..." she says.

"I, cant, not now… it's all too soon." I say pathetically, still not meeting her gaze.

"Edward, we need to talk… what you said this morning. It doesn't make sense. We really need to talk about it."

"OK, but not now." I plead.

"Fine, I'll talk to you later tonight."

"No, I need to stay here in case Riley regains consciousness."

"Then Tomorrow." She says getting angry.

"Tomorrow afternoon, after school." I try and negotiate…

She nods. Realizing she won't get any more out of me she looks around obviously for Jacob, he's gone. She turns to me. "After school" she says. And then heads off out the door to find Jacob.

I breathe a sigh of relief, but too soon.

"Why the fuck didn't you just tell that slut to fuck off." Growled Emmett glaring at me.

I don't meet his gaze. I can't tell him how complicated it is. How my feelings for Bella are still there, they have just been overwhelmed by my resurfaced feeling for Riley.

"You still like her don't you." Said Emm stalking over to me menacingly.

I avert my gaze. Its confirmation enough for Emmett. There is only a micro second between the thought and the action; Emm is getting much better at surprising me. I could still have moved out of the way of his swinging fist, but I kind of thought I deserved it. His fist impacts on my check which fractures and I get launched across the room to collide with and completely crush a coffee table.

The cracks in my check rapidly disappear and I sit up in the pile of debris, expecting Emm to continue his attack, but Jasper has him in an arm lock.

"Enough." Jasper says firmly, sending out a wave of calm to everyone in the room.

Emmett puts up his hands in surrender. He thinks he can wait till we get home to finish this.

Just then Carlisle and Charlie walk in.

"Alright Boy's, that's enough. I have a good mind to arrest the both of you." Yells Charlie.

"Jasper, take Emmett out to get some fresh air." Carlisle orders, Jasper nods and escorts Emmett out of the room. "Alice could you take Edward to the nurses station and make sure he's alright." She unnecessarily helps me up. And we walk out of the room.

"I'm sure you could have avoided that." She whispers to me. "Guess you thought you deserved it." I let out a sob. She rubs my arm. "Poor Edward, this isn't going to be easy for you."

RPOV

Thursday 10pm

I lay there. My head is pounding, I have only had a hangover a couple of times in my life and this by far was the worst! My eyes seem stuck together and try as I might I couldn't find the strength to open them... this is bad. I can't even remember going to a party. That was a bad sign.

Then it slowly came back. What Edward had said. The drive. The cliff. The water… was I dead? Was this what death was? Darkness and pain. Maybe I was in hell? Too bad Rev Ryan wasn't here to talk to about it. Not what I pictured. But then I didn't believe in hell. Ironical really.

I wondered if this was hell should I open my eyes or would it be better to keep them closed for as long as possible... Screw that, I'd face it like I faced every challenge in life. I summoned up the strength and finally managed to crack my eyes open. I was blinded by a bright white light.

That's strange, hell bright and light... might be heaven? This is getting weird.

A figure swam into my view. It was very pale and dressed all in white. It had bright blond hair which in the light seemed almost luminescent. An Angel? Certainly looked like one.

Was this judgment day? Did I have to stand answerable for my sins, or had that already been taken care of automatically and I was in heaven proper? Fascinating. I was about to ask what was going on when the angel spoke… The voice sounded familiar. It sounded like… Carlisle?

I strained my eyes as hard as I could and the figure came into slightly better focus, though it was hard to concentrate on it for some reason, my vision kept swimming all over the place. I could just make out I was in a room and there was another person here. I tried to focus on the figure. It had a finger in my face which was a little rude, I slowly made out… yes it was… Carlisle. I was in a room with Carlisle… I'm not dead… I'm in hospital.

I tried to make out what Carlisle was saying, I heard 'concussed'. That's about it.

Then I heard another familiar voice… from the other figure… it was… Mum!

I'm in a room, in hospital with Carlisle and Mum and I'm... so screwed.

Everything went black again.

….

Friday 9pm

God my head was still pounding. It took me a while to remember why. Guess this is what I deserve, can't even kill myself. What a fuck up. Should have taken tablets or something. Damn… Then I remember… the kiss!

No, it must have been a dream, there is no way that Edward Cullen after what he had said and done kissed me on a beach, no way, no how. Not in this life.

I must have been stirring because I could hear Carlisle talking to my mother. Fuck I just want to sleep and wake up when it's a new millennium… only problem is Edward would still be there, hating me. This is all so fucked.

They kept prattling on and I realized all I could do was man up and face the music. I can always try again right? This time think a bit more about execution… oh there's a pun for you. Here I am completely fucked and I can still crack 'em.

So I crack my eyes open. It's still too bright in here, but not as bad as before. Carlisle notices my movements and comes over. I can focus on him better now.

"Well, how's our patient." He says kindly.

"I" fuck, was that my voice? It sounded like an oven being dragged down a gravel road by a truck with flat tires. God my throat was dry and sore. And now my lungs felt like they were on fire. "I'm fine." I lied, anything to get everyone off my back.

"That's good." Said Carlisle.

"Ooh Riley, I was so worried." Mum wails and grabs my hand. This brings tears to my eyes that sting like mad… I really didn't want to hurt her. Fuck. I can't get anything right.

"Now I'm going to ask you some questions and do some tests to see how you are." Said Carlisle calmly. "What's your name?"

"Riley Anthony Biers."

"When were you born?"

"26th January 1988, Australia's bicentenary." Carlisle smiled with his eyes and they glittered gold.

"Who is the President?" As Carlisle does this he moves his finger around my vision and back and forwards no doubt looking at my eye movements.

I look at Mum and she glowers at me… like I would use profanity at a time like this… ok when it comes to President Doofus…

"George W. Bush." I say, the name leaving a bad taste in my mouth. "And thank God we only have 3 years, 10 months and… I can't remember how many days left of him." I start to panic… I can't remember how many days… but then I don't know what day it is. It was Thursday the 10th when I jumped… Carlisle saw my concern. "I can't remember how many days…. What day is it again? How long have I been… like this?"

"It's Friday night… do you remember the date?"

"That would make it the 11th, which means its 3 years, 10 months and 9 days to put up with that Fu…" my voice dies away as Mum glowers. "Till we have a new President… baring impeachment." I tried to smile at the thought but it didn't really work. Carlisle returned my smile.

"Well Mrs Biers, it seems there is no mental damage…. Riley is firing on all cylinders."

"Oh thank God." Mum cries again.

"I'd like to keep him in for another day on so for observations just to make sure. You should have him back by end of weekend."

"Thank goodness."

Yea great, I can imagine I'll be Sunday roast, I have no idea what spin I can put on this to get out of what are going to be massive ramifications.

Mum turns to me. "You had me so worried… how could you do such a thing, how could you be so stupid…" her voice was rising. Oh fuck, can't I have just one day of peace.

"I'm sorry." I choke out before the sobs start to overwhelm me. Tears begin to stream down my face… God I'm such a fuck up.

Carlisle notes my distress "Mrs Biers, there will be plenty of time to discuss actions and motivations in the weeks to come. Right now Riley needs plenty of rest to recover. He still is concussed and his lungs are inflamed." Carlisle come to my rescue like a knight on a white steed. "Now, can I suggest you have been up two days straight, why not go home and have a rest? Riley will most likely be sleeping most of tonight. He'll be more up to talking tomorrow." Said Carlisle.

Mum glowered at him but he showed an impenetrable wall of authority.

"The next few weeks he's going to need some care and you won't be able to help him if you are exhausted." Carlisle gently places his hand on her arm as if to say she is leaving.

"Ok, get some sleep darling and I'll be back tomorrow." She pushes past Carlisle and kisses my forehead. "Love you." Then leaves before he can escort her. I thank Carlisle with my eyes.

When she has gone Carlisle turns back to me and smiles. "You had us worried there." He says gently.

"I'm so sorry." I choke out and the sobs start up again.

He places a calming hand on my arm. "I didn't mean that… we can talk about that later when you are feeling better. We were just concerned for your health." I try to smile.

He continued. "Edward has been outside waiting for you…" my heart missed a beat… "He would have been in here but your mother threw him out."

"He…" I didn't know what to say… 'He cares?" is all I can think of.

"He's the one that pulled you out. Gave you CPR. He saved your life."

After ripping it up in the first place, I think bitterly… what does he want a gold award now? What does he want anyway? Then I remember the… KISS!

"Carlisle… I don't know how to put this… I can't remember the beach that well. Ummm. Was… Did Edward save me because he felt…" say it Riley "Guilty." There was a pain in my chest. "Or…. Does he still have… feelings for me?"

"I wasn't there when you were conscious, but all I know is that he hasn't left your side until your mother ordered him out, and… well Chief Swan told me in confidence, because he thought a father should know what his son was up to… He kissed you on the beach, and it wasn't the kiss of life."

My heart missed another beat, then fluttered and then decided to make up for the missed beats by pounding out of my chest… all I could think of, all I had running through my head was that 'he kissed me, he kissed me… Edward kissed me…"

Carlisle smiled at my obvious mental struggle. "I'll leave you to process it." He said turning to leave.

"Carlisle…" I said urgently. He stopped and turned. "Can I see him?"

"Your Mother forbade it… in fact she has said firmly you will never see Edward again." My heart stopped. The pain in my head and chest and throat were gone. My heart had just stopped and it hurt like a mother fucker. I couldn't breathe properly… I had a terrible feeling of falling and there was a sinking and churning feeling in my stomach… No this couldn't happen. I couldn't get him back only to have it all ruined… tears began running down my face again.

"Please." I managed to whimper.

Carlisle looked at me concerned then his eyes softened. "It's getting late, and it's dark out." No no no, he's not going to try and get me to sleep, I need to see Edward, I need to hear from him that everything is alright… that we are going to go back to the way we were. I start shaking my head. Carlisle continue as he walks over to the window. "Before I leave you for the night to get some rest, I might just open this so you can get some fresh air." I'm still panicking, I don't follow, like I care about fresh air at a time like this… Then I see there is a twinkle in his eye. I could kiss him. He smiles and leaves the room turning the overhead light out and just leaving the bedside one on.

I try and compose myself… my heart is running away from me… there is so much I need to ask him, so much we need to talk about. The stabbing pain returns to my head… fuck... I can't think straight. There is a lot we have to talk about. I can't just pretend that none of this happened. We are both in a hell of a lot of trouble. And I need to know about Bella… this needs to be sorted.

The curtains flutter and suddenly there he is. Standing sheepishly, just as he did 2 years ago when I caught him in my room for the first time. I nearly passed out with excitement then, and it's the same now… He so tall, and handsome as hell. He's so bad, but he does it so well… mmm good lyrics for a song?

"Edward." I say longingly and try to raise my arm to beckon him. He notices my struggle and is by the bed before I can blink an eye.

"I'm Sorry, I'm SO sorry…" Edward moaned, if he were human he would be streaming tears. My heart almost broke.

My head began to throb worse than before. "Edward… I can't do this now… I… there are so many things I need to say, so many questions I need to ask… but I can't get my mind round them."

"I understand…" He looked like a broken man. He went to leave.

"Edward… stay… please." A genuine smile graced his face. "Your mother has forbidden it." That crooked smile of his again… ahhh!

"We'll have to do something about that." Edward went to protest but the tone in my voice had left no doubts, I would not lose him again because of my mother or anyone. Yes we had stuff to work out. I just hoped that he could find his path, decide to let Bella go and be with me.

He stood there in silence, no doubt reading my mind that was a tangled mess of conflicting thoughts. I wish I could tidy it up for him, but everything had happened so fast.

I noticed he was standing as close as he could to the bed, but he hadn't touched me. He must have heard the thought.

"I don't deserve to." He said his head slumping.

"Please." I said imploringly and shifted my hand on the bed so it came to within an inch of his. He reached out and took it. A shot of electricity ran up my arm. Even though his hand was ice cold it warmed me so much. I had missed this… It had been a week and a half since we touched… but it seemed like an eternity.

He gazed into my eyes and I could see the inner torment he was going through.

I didn't want to add to it but I had to find out one thing.

"Carlisle says that on the beach you..." I couldn't finish the sentence, I said the words in my mind 'kissed me'

"I'm sorry, I had no right to. I just… I had to show you… I had to touch you. To see you were real. To let you know how sorry I was." He went to pull his hand away but I tightened my grip.

It had been also a week and a half since he kissed me. God I missed that. I missed how we used to be. How we were so free around each other. How we could go from friendship to intimacy and back to friendship effortlessly. Everything seemed natural between us. Like breathing. But not now. Everything had changed… we had changed. Bloody Bella.

Edward winced slightly. I hadn't meant to, but I had stumbled on something. Edward still had feelings for her… I stopped breathing the pain in my heart was so great. I wanted to drop his hand like a hot potatoes. I wanted to yell at him. But I couldn't. Because I also wanted his touch so badly.

Edward heard my inner struggle. His eyes said it all. His lips didn't need to move. He was so sorry for what he did. That he couldn't sort this out immediately. That he didn't know what he was doing.

I rubbed my thumb on his finger. It was a simple gesture but I hoped it conveyed what I couldn't yet say in words. I forgave him. I had no choice. He was my life.

"Can you stay the night… like you used to?" I ask.

"Your mother…"

"She's gone home to rest… she won't be back till morning… she won't know. Please?" Edward gave a tight smile. He pulled up a chair in answer to me and sat.

"In the morning I want you to go home and get some rest." I continued.

He snorted. "You know I don't need to sleep."

"But your heart and head need to rest. You look worn out… You should write something, composing always relaxes you."

"I can't concentrate."

"You need to. You need to get your mind off this and let your subconscious give you the answer. I'll be sleeping, that's easy for me. You need to distract yourself. Because when I get out of here we will need to have a serious talk." He nodded in response. He knew I was right.

"I expect it will be your magnum opus… most composers wrote their greatest works in times of stress." I added.

"No it won't be my Magnum Opus… that will only occur the day; if you'll have me, that we start to spend for ever with each other…" Edward said it as a thinly vailed suggestion. His eyes bored into me wanting an answer. My heart stopped. All I heard was 'for ever' my heart then started with a vengeance like it was beating out of my chest… this is what I wanted to hear for two years now, I so want to say yes, but something stops me.

"Edward," I say trying to contain myself. "I can't say, TODAY, what you want me to… unless you are an inveterate liar you really had feelings for Bella." Edward's eyes immediately dropped to the floor, apparently unable to keep eye contact with me. I had hit on the truth. "We will need to talk about that. A lot." I said. Edward appeared to visibly crumble in front of me. My heart went out to him, but I knew that this needed to be sorted right or it would fester.

My subconscious had time to sort out some things while I was in this bed, I had stopped hating Bella. It wasn't her fault. As far as I could see she would be an innocent victim of all of this. I couldn't in all conscience let this go on any longer. When I was well enough we needed to sort this out.

But I so wanted to throw my arms around Edward and feel his lips on mine again. I had to do something. It took me all my strength to contain my words to the bear minimum he needed to hear… the absolute, undeniable, put my hand on a stack of bibles, truth.

"Edward…" I said and paused and waited till he nervously glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes through his so, so long lashes, his head still lowered.

"Edward… What I WILL say is… I... Still… Love you…"

End Notes.

Sorry everyone that this hasn't ended neatly, but the two boys are in a whole heap of trouble and I can't get them out of it in just 9,000 words without it being rushed (Not saying that they will get out of it, that would give the plot away) also, this certainly isn't the end, not even the beginning of the end, but it is perhaps the end of the beginning?

I also wanted to include Bella's point of view because she got a bad rap from the last chapter and while she may be irritating I never had her down as a romance wrecker.

What did you think of Jacob's point of view? Anyone guessed what his secret is?

I'm writing the next chapter as we speak so I hope to post before Christmas, because I want to know what's going to happen as much as you do. My musical muse has helped again, a certain song by Hozier… not wanting to give too much away ;-)