Kaidan walked into Anderson's office, he wanted to make this meeting as short as possible, and he didn't want to leave John for a long time alone. He wasn't well. It had been a week since he rescued him, and John doesn't do anything but sleep, or drink. He was consuming himself every day in the alcohol, and Kaidan was desperate he doesn't know how to help him.

"Anderson, I'm here, but I need to be brief, I can't leave the Commander too much time alone," Kaidan said faster.

"I understand, that is why I call you here. How is Shepard?"

"Shepard is not right, Anderson." Kaidan saw him get up from the chair and walk around the office uneasy. He felt that he had something bad to say. Kaidan knew John, was very important to Anderson, he loved him as a son. "Anderson what's going on?"

"We were able to obtain videos of most of the things they did to Shepard, on that base," Anderson took a deep breath, "I need Shepard, to see a professional."

"Is that bad?" Kaidan asked but already knew the answer.

"Yes, I don't think you want to see these images?"

"Not." Kaidan couldn't bear to see John being tortured cruelly. John was a hero he didn't deserve any of what they did to him.

"It's what I imagine. Kaidan we need the Commander, we don't know how long it will takes, but the Reapers are coming, and Shepard has to be able to fight."

"I know Admiral; I'll take care of the Commander see someone who can help him. Do you caught the leader of the gang that kidnapped the Commander?"

"No son."

Kaidan got up from the chair and approached Anderson. "Make sure you do, and when that happens, I want to be the one to take care of him, by myself sir."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"So shall be it."

Kaidan walked out of that office feeling more uneasy than before. Before going to the apartment, he stops to buy food for the two of them, and then he moves towards the apartment. As he arrived, he could not stop thinking about the explanation he gave John about Horizon, he omitted some details, like the fact that at first, Kaidan reject, John harshly.

He was going to have to clarify things before he remembers everything, and be angry with him, by hide this detail from him. Kaidan knew that when John got mad, it was scary. Kaidan felt pain seeing John in that bed, thinking all the time. He almost didn't speak or make eye contact with him. Kaidan didn't dare to touch him; for fear that John will react violently against.

Kaidan wanted to question him, but dared not do so either. John had locked himself completely, and Kaidan didn't know how to get to him. It had been too long since the last time they lived together, and now with the lack of memory is more difficult for Kaidan to reach him. The two used to share everything, talk for hours. Kaidan used to think that the two were meant for each other.

Kaidan spent more than two years crying over his death, it wasn't easy for Kaidan to see him standing in front of him alive after two years that he believes John was dead, and much less working for Cerberus. A first he didn't believe it was him, if no someone who doesn't looks like him, perhaps a clone, but not his John, for the simple fact that he had never seen someone come back from the dead, but when John grabbed his arm and stopped him, imploring to give him a chance to explain himself, Kaidan than realize in his look of love towards him, that he really was John Shepard, and promised to wait for him.

When Anderson called him to tell him that he had been captured by the Batarian, Kaidan wanted the earth to swallow him, and he lived three months worse than the two years he lived without John, because when John died Kaidan knew he was dead and no suffering. Just think what they were doing to him, leave him with more than one sleepless night. Finally with Liara's help, they could find him.

He call Liara yesterday, and thanked her, she wanted to come and see him, but Kaidan told her it wasn't the best time, John had refused to see even his own mother, who, by the way, Kaidan had to pay a visit soon she was extremely worried about her son. Shepard was her only child.

Kaidan was still madly in love with his commander, it is not easy for him having John so close and yet so far from him. He slept with John, but he was careful not to touch him, even though he wanted his Commander in his arms. Kaidan had noticed John looking at him with desire sometimes, but did nothing more than just look. That wasn't a man who he remembered John used to be a bold, passionate, jealous and possessive man with him, now it was as if he didn't exist in his commander life anymore.

A half hour later, Kaidan walk into the apartment. The first thing he noticed was the silence. Kaidan leaves the food on the table, then he headed immediately to the bedroom, John was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. Kaidan could smell the whiskey in the room then he approached the bed he saw the bottle on the floor.

"John ..." Kaidan call him, but he didn't respond or move, then he moved at the side of the bed and shook him by the shoulders. He saw John wake up scared, and grabbed him by the arm knocking him down on the bed, then he get on top of him, and squeeze his neck. Kaidan grabbed John's hand trying to push it, John was still staring, and Kaidan didn't want to hurt him.

"John ... John ... is my ... Kaidan," Kaidan could say with difficulty, but John squeezed his neck even tightly. Kaidan then hit his arm. "John!"

John opened his eyes wide and saw Kaidan struggling under him, and immediately let go of his neck. "Oh my God, Kaidan!"

Kaidan stood up quickly, grabbing his neck coughing. He saw John get up and walk towards him, and even though he knew that he wouldn't harm him on purpose, Kaidan felt afraid, and took a fearful step back with his other hand in front.

"No... I'm sorry ... I didn't mean to hurt you!" John said shakily.

Kaidan saw the terror in his eyes, and immediately forgot what had happened, and hugged him noting that John was shaking. "Calm down," he said to him softly.

"I almost kill you ... Sorry ... Sorry ..."

"It's okay-."

"No it is not!" John shouted moving away from him, and grabbed his hand, which was shaking badly. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Kaidan walked quickly towards him and grabbed his hands. "Nothing is wrong with you. I know you didn't want to hurt me. Damn, why you're shaking like that?" Kaidan touches his cheek to calm him down, he knew that always worked. "You're freezing!" Kaidan took him to bed and tuck him under the blanket. John was shivering badly; he had no choice but to call the doctor Chakwas. As she came Kaidan hugged John tightly.

"Sorry ... Kaidan ..."

"Don't worry ..."

"I... I... need help ..."

Kaidan further tighten his body and kissing his cheek. "I know, and I'll find the help you need, I promise, and I swear by the immense love I have for you that you're going to be fine."

"Love ... Your love is all I need ... I'm sorry ..."

Kaidan stayed with him until the doctor arrived, and he had to get away from him forcibly. While the doctor was examining him Kaidan was walking back in for impatiently around the room, until he saw John calm down and stops shivering after which she injected something into his neck. John fell asleep, and she approached him.

"Kaidan, the Commander suffers from a lack of drug-."

"What?"

"As the Commander was on that base, they held him most of the time high."

"Yes he told me, but I didn't think that ... John is not a drug addict!" Kaidan cry out. He felt desperate.

"I didn't say he is, what I said is that his body suffers from the lack of that drug, and until the Commander's body go trough detoxification, he will continue to suffer such attacks. Another thing, it's just twelve o'clock and the volume of alcohol on his body is much-"

"I know," Kaidan passed his hand through his hair nervously. "Karin I don't know what to do to help him, he doesn't speak to me, he just drink all the time. I have a fear of saying something that will annoy or make him even worse than he is.

"I can recommend a clinic-"

"Not! Not hospitals, John stays here with me. I'll take John to any doctor he need to help him get out of this trauma, but John doesn't move from my side."

"Okay son, don't be mad I'm only trying to help. I'll give you the name of a good doctor, her name is Alicia, takes him as soon as possible."

"I will."

Kaidan say goodbye at the door, and return to the room and lay down beside him, forgetting the food, now the only thing he wanted was to be next to his man and give him the love that he deserved.

John woke up hours later, forgetting for a moment what had happened. He heard the shower. He sighed and looked at the clock and realizing that it was night already. Gradually he remembered what had happened, and he starts to feel terror remember how he almost killed Kaidan.

John sat on the bed thinking that he couldn't continue that way. He couldn't stop thinking about all those damn months; he was on that basis taking blow after blow. He didn't want to think, but the memories of those months don't stop tormenting him. He didn't want to remember that, he wanted to remember his past, Kaidan, but he couldn't do it. His mind was still white as a sheet.

Kaidan had done nothing but to take care of him and John knew it wasn't fair that he simply kept quiet thinking most of the time. He could see in Kaidan's eye the love he felt for him. Most times John simply stared in silence, admiring how handsome and sexy Kaidan was. He wished him, there was no doubt about that, but his body had been through so much that he didn't know if he could correspond to those needs the way he wanted.

Maybe he should try a rapprochement between them; Kaidan deserved that from his part. John got up from the bed toward the bathroom, the door was open, and he could clearly see Kaidan naked. He bit her lips tightly at the sight and passes his hand over his head. "Oh, Fuck it." John took off his clothes faster he could do so.

John entered the bathroom, Kaidan was on with his back toward the door, and his hands on the wall of the shower letting the water run down his body. He approached from behind and put his hand around his waist. His body started to get wet with the water while he began to feel the desire to awaken within him.

John started to kiss his back slowly, and he hears Kaidan sigh. "I need you," he murmured. Everything in his body was working well, he thought. His cock couldn't be harder than it was, and he wanted Kaidan madly. He closed his mind to anything but them.

"Are you sure? John you don't have-"

John quickly turned him around in silence his words with his lips in a kiss full of passion and desire. Kaidan put his hands around his body. "Tell me what you want from me Kaidan?" John said, kissing him with more intensity. He felt Kaidan's cock, rubbing his making him moan between their lips.

"I just want you to be okay."

"I know that, but I also know you want more from me, and I want to give it to you."

"I love you John ...I just want you love."

Then John broke the kiss and stared at him a bit. "You have It.…I love you too," he told Kaidan before kissing him deeply again. John had no memories, and he may never remember, but he was sure about the feeling he had for Kaidan.

John continued kissing him, to the point of reddens their lips, but he didn't want to stop. Kaidan eagerly was stroking his back; he was finally feeling something more than lashes on his back. He felt Kaidan caress his scars, but he didn't felt fear; he felt the warmth of his hands bringing him to live.

He doesn't remember how things had to be done, but he couldn't wait any longer, John picks him up, and his lover put his legs around his waist. "I don't want to be rude, or hurt you, but I need to be inside you," John muttered between his lips.

"Do it!"

John brought his hand to his cock placing it in his hole, then he started to push slowly inside, he did it as slowly as he could, until he lost control and entered fully in, and then he started to throw in hard. "Oh ... Fuck ..." It feels so fucking good. Kaidan put his arms around his shoulders; John caught him against the shower wall to maintain the balance. He broke the kiss and lowered his lips to his neck biting him hard.

"Fuck John ..."

"It is too much?"

"NO ... NO ..."

John moved Kaidan's ass fast and he felt when Kaidan moves his hand to his cock, stroking it fast. John moves his lips back to his, but both were strongly moaned between kisses. Kaidan's ass was feeling tight, and he loved that detail. Kaidan grabbed the back of his head with his other hand.

"Kaidan ... Kaidan ... Do you like this?" John wanted to hear him say yes.

"Always Commander ..."

"Ah ...it feels good," John then stop and put Kaidan on the floor, turning him over to penetrate his ass again, this time he grabbed his waist tightly throwing hard on him again, while resting his forehead on Kaidan's back. He moved even faster, and the two begin to scream louder. He saw Kaidan put his free hand on the shower wall tightening his fist while his other hand rubbed his cock fast.

"Your ass is tight ... I love it ..."

"You always have! Damn it goes faster!"

John didn't answer he obeyed, he lost the notion of time, until he saw Kaidan hit the wall and moaning loud in a strong orgasm, John followed him immediately moaning even louder, followed by the tears that he could not avoid. He stayed embraced of him for a moment.

Kaidan turned and saw his tears. "Why?"

"I finally felt alive, and not in pain Kaidan," John said quietly. Finally his body could feel much more that the pain, and torture.

Kaidan lifted his head by his chin. "Let me take you to someone who can help."

John stared at him, he'd do anything to forget, and remember his life. "Yes ..." Kaidan hugged him tightly, and John knew that maybe not yet, but with the help of Kaidan he would be fine.

"Commander Shepard I love you ..."

John kissed him calmer this time. "Me too ..."

Both came out of the bathroom a while later, John saw Kaidan left the room to get the food that he had brought early. Then he comes back then they began to eat naked in bed. John could breathe quietly, and laugh for the first time in weeks with him. He saw that Kaidan eyes didn't look so sad after see him laugh. John grabbed his hand stroking it with his thumb.

"Forgive my distance toward you."

"I understand you, the only thing I ask, I beg you, don't drink so much."

John took Kaidan's hand to his mouth. "I swear I'll do the effort to stop just for you."

"That's enough for me ..."

That night John slept peacefully in his arms. He understood why he must have fallen in love with him, Kaidan was a wonderful man.