Reverberations

Chapter 2

With Henry down for his nap, JJ had a few moments to herself. Motherhood was a busy enterprise. It left little time for her to examine what she thought or felt. And she needed to examine both of those things today.

She hadn't told him, but spending time with Reid's mother at the end of her life, watching Diana write in her journal, had resonated with her. She'd realized it as a way to process her daily life. So she'd begun journaling herself. Her life was so busy, she couldn't get to it every day. But she made sure to spend time with it as often as she could. Putting things into words is a way of mastering them, she thought. Otherwise, dealing with pure emotion can be too overwhelming. In her life, she'd made it a priority to become the master of her emotions.

As she'd watched Reid work his way through his mother's journals, she'd become more circumspect about how she expressed herself. She wanted Henry…or any other child I might have, she thought…..to be able to read through them one day without the emotional baggage his mother's journals had laid on Reid. So she walked a fine literary line, between brutal honesty and maternal concern.

She paged back a bit before starting today's entry.

"My boy is home! It was so good to see Henry again yesterday! This was the first time we've been apart for so long. When I've been away on a case, it's never been for more than a few days at a time. But this was two weeks! I don't know how I stood it. He was so cute getting off the plane. Will traveled back and forth with him (thank you, Will, you are a great dad, even if we couldn't make it together). Henry ran straight into my arms and held on as though for dear life. Nothing has ever felt better. We spent the whole day playing and talking. It sounds like he had great fun with Will's family in New Orleans. I think he misses his dad already. Dear God, I pray that I am doing the right thing, breaking off my relationship with Will. Neither of us want to hurt Henry…or each other. I can only hope and pray that I am doing the right thing."

She'd suffered that uncertainty for a long time. But she felt she was in the right place, beginning the right relationship, now.

Her next entry read, " Spence is home from Vegas. He's reading through his mother's journals and it's taking a visible toll on him. He clearly thinks it's something he has to do, but I don't know if it's wise. It's so strange, we were only out there those few days, but I feel like I've gotten to know him so much better. Meeting Diana helped me gain some perspective on what kind of person he is. In some ways, he seems so simple, because there's no artifice. But in others, he might be one of the most complex men I've ever known."

She realized, in retrospect, that this might be the entry that marked a significant change in how she related with Spence.

Enough reverie for now. She realized she'd better get busy writing before Henry woke up from his nap.

"Today is Sunday. Today, the sun came out on my life again. Especially after that awful week of darkness and gloom, today feels like brightness and warmth. And it's all because of Spence. He loves me. And I love him. Yes, I know, I've written it before."

She laughed at herself. She'd been falling into dialogue with her journal more and more.

"But before, I thought I was the only one who knew he loved me. For a genius, he can be pretty dense. Finally, he's figured it out. Or gotten up the courage, I don't know which. I do know that I very much needed to hear him say it. And he did! Over and over and over again. I've been in love before, or at least I thought I was. But there's something about my relationship with Spence that is deeper, more profound. In a way, it's actually quieter than others, but infinitely more substantial. It feels real."

They were relaxing over the remains of the wine after dinner.

Emily was perplexed. Exactly how does one give advice to a genius? Okay, maybe he wasn't a genius in everything. But 187 IQ points had to count for something. So why was this so hard?

"Reid, I don't think you can approach this like a science project. There are no right or wrong answers. Well, actually, there are…..but they're not absolute. What's right for you might not be right for someone else. For instance, it's okay for you and I to do something together, but it would be entirely wrong for Hotch and I to do something together. Morgan and Garcia could go out, but not Morgan and JJ." Stopping, when she'd had a good look at him. "Reid, are you all right?"

He'd become completely pale at the mention of Morgan and JJ going out. Gulping, he answered her. "I think I get it. It's not the "that", it's the "who".

"Exactly. I think. Listen, Reid, have you ever talked with any of the guys about this? Maybe they'd be more helpful."

He couldn't hold back his sarcasm. "Well, let me see. Rossi's had plenty of experience, considering he's had three wives. And Morgan has a new date every weekend, so he might know a lot. And then there's Hotch, who had to do a triathlon to get a date. No, Emily, I haven't talked to the guys about this."

"Touche. Well, you and JJ will figure out what's right for you, I'm sure."

He got suddenly serious. "I don't know about the field."

"What do you mean?

"I mean, when we're on a case, and she needs to do something that might be dangerous. I don't know how I'll handle that."

Emily studied him. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that I lost my mind when she got a little beat up a few months ago. I was telling the EMT to get a CT scan on her, all for a few bruises and a bloody nose. I don't see how I could handle having the woman I love be hurt". Savoring being able to say 'the woman I love.'

"Reid, did you start loving JJ last night?"

"What? No! What you do you mean?"

"I mean, you've loved her for a long time. We all love one another, whether we're in love or not. It's not easy…it's not tolerable…..when one of us gets hurt, no matter what the circumstance. I think it will be far less different than you think."

He considered it for a few moments. "You might be right. Still…." Then, "Do you think we should tell Hotch? Would it affect our assignments?"

"I don't think you're going to need to tell Hotch. Remember he's an expert profiler, and even if he couldn't read you, I'm pretty sure he'll be able to read me. Forget all of this, Reid. Just be happy. I'm so happy for you." And she gave him another hug. "You deserve it. And JJ deserves it."

"And so do you, Emily. You deserve love. And you'll have it."

Surprised to hear his own words. He couldn't believe that he, Spencer Reid, was giving advice to someone about being in love.

J continued her journal entry. "Spence and Henry are so cute together. It's like they were made for each other. Henry is eerily attuned to Spence's moods and needs. He may know him even better than I do. He hadn't seen Spence all week, but he knew to pray for his happiness. Maybe he picked up on it from me, or maybe he overheard me talking with Garcia. Or maybe he had his conversation directly with God. Whichever, my little four year old took it upon himself to try to take care of his godfather. God, I don't know that it's anything I've done right, but thank You, thank You for this gift of my little boy. I don't think it would be possible for me to love him more. Thank You for letting him stay with me after he was so badly hurt. I will be forever grateful."

She put the journal away for later when she heard Henry stir.

"Hi, Mommy!" A little bundle of energy climbed into her lap and gave her a hug. Every time he got up, whether from a night's sleep or a nap, it was like a new day for Henry, and every time, he greeted her as though he'd not seen her in forever.

"Did you have a good nap? Any good dreams?"

"Mm-hmm. I dreamed that I was a pirate and I found a treasure chest. And you know what was in it?"

"Gold? Jewels?"

"No, Mommy. It was Uncle Spence!" He giggled.

JJ smiled. Out of the mouths of babes…..

Having finally gotten Henry down for the night, JJ picked up her journal again. The past week had been so tumultuous, so filled with ups and downs. She felt strongly that both the good and the bad shaped her, and deserved equal attention. Looking back to the entry from one week ago, she found that she had written about both.

"Yesterday was, just possibly, the worst day of my life. And the best. My dearest heart, my Henry, was badly hurt. He could have suffered serious brain damage, or even a broken neck….but he didn't. (Thank You, God.) I literally thought I could fall apart in that hospital room. And then Spence came and held me together. When the doctor told us Henry would be all right, we were both overjoyed. It felt like we were a family. And then Will came to see Henry. They do dearly love one another. But when Will came home with us to be with Henry, Spence looked completely lost. I sort of understood, because I felt like I was losing something just then too. I don't want to hurt Spence, but Henry's need has to come first. And right now, Henry needs his dad. I just hope and pray that Spence can see that as well."

The ensuing week had been awful, with Spence distancing himself from them completely. At first she'd been angry with him, thinking he was being petulant. But then Garcia had helped her to see that he was trying to do what he thought was the right thing…..giving Henry a chance to be with both his father and his mother. Maybe permanently. The little boy that Spence had been, wanted that for Henry.

Thinking of Garcia, JJ wondered why she hadn't heard from her. As though on cue, the phone rang with Garcia's number on the caller ID. "Hi, Pen."

"JJ….any news?" She'd known Reid was supposed to come over yesterday. JJ thought it was telling that she'd waited until the next day to call. Maybe she hoped they'd been busy…

"Well, yes and no. He came over and then tried to escape as soon as I told him Henry was sleeping. But I made him stay, and we talked."

"And? JJ, dish!"

"I took your advice and told him about how my relationship with Will had changed. You were right. He obviously needed to hear that. And then…."

"Then?"

"And then, he looked like a kid trying to get the courage to jump off the high dive. But he did it. He took a chance and told me how he felt."

"Which is?"

"You already know, Garcia. But I'm very happy to say it anyway. He loves me! I felt so bad for him trying to get it out, I almost helped. But I knew that, if we are ever to have a chance to be true life partners, he had to meet me half way. And he did."

"And then…?"

"And then, we kissed…..and he fell asleep on the couch."

"What! JJ, honey, you might have to work on your technique."

JJ laughed. "He basically hadn't eaten or slept in a week. I think he was so relieved at how we worked things out that he virtually collapsed. Henry was upset to have missed the sleepover."

"So, has he left?"

"He's having dinner with Emily. She called him today to see how he was. I know everyone's been worried about him."

"Do you think he's told her?"

"Probably. Why?"

"Because I don't want her to sabotage the bet. I won!"