The camera zoomed in so close to Miles's face that his head literally couldn't fit in the frame while he read his badly-written poem out loud.

"Roses are red," he said, automatically guaranteeing himself an F. "Violets are blue. This assignment sucks, and so does Tristan."

"And so does Tristan?" Tristan snarikly asked from the back row. "Ugh. At least make it 'and Tristan does too' so it can rhyme. Geez."

Miles Hollingsworth III rolled his eyes. "Well so-rry I'm not a master poet!"

"You should be!" Tristan responded. "We're basically the gayEClare at this point, so at least write a halfway decent play about me and force Esme, who we all know is gonna be Imogen 2.0, to play me or something! Sheesh."

Although Miles knew his ex was right, he also knew that he desperately lacked the creativity that defined Eli has a character and fueled his revenge plot after Clare broke up with him. Since he couldn't write a mean play about Tristan, he decided that name-calling and preschool-like behavior would be the next best thing.

"Oh yeah? Well…you're just a whiny little perfectionist!" Miles said, glaring judgmentally at his ex. "I bet you did a nice job on your homework, didn't you? You make me sick."

Tristan nodded. "Um…duh. Of course I did my homework, cuz I'm not just a basic slacker like some guy I know!"

Miles was doing his best to seethe with rage, but even rage looked kind of lazy on him. "How 'bout instead of being so perfect all the time, you try cutting class 75% of the time to smoke drugs in your family's magical swimming pool! That's what cool guys do!"

"Oh, and I suppose cool guys cheat to win elections too, huh?" Tristan asked.

Unwilling to admit he had made a mistake, Miles just said, "Whatever. I'm gonna storm out of here in a huff and make myself sick spending time in an outdoor pool in the middle of September."

Seated one row ahead of Miles, a new girl named Esme smiled, realizing this was the man of her dreams. Her one and only soulmate.

"I so don't get it," Tristan said. "Weren't you past the whole blowing off school and acting like a self-absorbed piece of crap thing by the end of last semester?"

"Yes, but only because our relationship and ALL MY ANGST about it got eaten by the black hole during 14B," Miles explained. "Two days ago, the black hole got sick with bronchitis and coughed up our relationship plot line. Now all my angst is back with a vengeance! Does that explain it for you?"

Tristan sat up a bit straighter, impressed. "Yes, actually. It really does. My life makes sense now."

Zig opened the door to add his two cents. "And I suddenly get why Maya stopped loving me for close to a year and then randomly remembered she had feelings for me one day and why Zoë and I don't even remember that we were dating last semester!"

"Alright everyone," a mysterious man said from the back of the room. "That's enough."

Everyone turned around, shocked at the sight of an actual teacher at the back of their classroom. He was a tall, very muscular black man who was not Armstrong. If their eyes did not deceive them, he was…new!

"All these new teachers are making my head spin," someone said. "I'm not used to having more than one adult for every 600 kids at this school."

Miles had something more important on his mind. "Hey teach! Why are you wearing my shirt?"

The teacher sighed. "I was hoping to wait a few episodes to tell you this, but since I'm Ms. Dawes's replacement, I also have to take over her job of cheering on this show's most popular OTP. I figured there was no better way to show my support than to buy a copy of a shirt you wore while the two of you were still dating."

This made Miles slightly uncomfortable. "You should get your own style, Mr.…" he paused. "What's your last name again?"

The teacher shrugged. "Y'know, I have no freaking idea!"

In keeping with this season's "technology is everywhere" theme, all the students whipped out the smart phones they were suddenly allowed to have in class again and Googled his name. It took about ten minutes before Esme was like, "it's Mr. Mitchel! I found out on Tumblr."

"Yep!" Mr. Mitchel said. "That sounds about right. In other news, Miles, I want you to redo your assignment."

"What? Why?" Miles actually looked surprised that his plagiarized mess of a poem wasn't good enough for the teacher.

"Well first of all because you pissed off every last Triles fan with that garbage, and I will not stand for it. Second of all, you put zero work into that worthless poem of yours."

Miles couldn't believe his ears. What kind of teacher made you do work in order to pass his class? "Whatever. I'm out of here."

With that, Miles stormed home and did what any kid would do while playing hookey, and that was go straight home and yell for his mom so that she'd immediately notice he wasn't at school. When he couldn't find her, he did the only reasonable thing to do, which was open her bedroom door. Inside, his mother was actually having sex with some guy. No, seriously. The cameras actually focused on it for a moment. It was really awkward.

"So what?" Winston asked in gym class the next day. "Degrassi has shown parents hooking up before. Remember when Emma saw Simpson kissing Peter's mom?"

Miles shook his head. "No, no, this was completely different. They weren't kissing. She had her shirt off in a bed. There were even sex noises! THIS WAS ACTUAL SIMULATED TV SEX! This isn't supposed to happen on Degrassi! It's like after all those years of saying 'it goes there,' Degrassi is finally going there."

"Hey, calm down," Winston said. "We're on a new channel. It's gonna be an adjustment."

"Whatever. I was thinking I'd kill the shit out of the guy she was sleeping with. Maybe with a sword."

"Hold up. In the last chapter, you said no more sword fights," Winston reminded him.

"I said no more sword fighting at parties! This won't happen at a party!" Miles said.

Someone managed to make a video of this using nothing but an iPhone. Somehow, the video came out with perfect image quality and managed to perfectly pick up Miles and Winston's conversation without getting any background noise from…I dunno…kids playing basketball in the background! It was strange, considering that even a $600 video camera probably would not have been capable of this.

Meanwhile, Zoë and Grace's teacher, Ms. Grell, was speaking to the media immersion class, which was being held in a room without computers for some reason. "Keeping with the tradition of only giving assignments that will seriously traumatize students or force them to otherwise confront their deep emotional pain, I'd like you all to partner up and make animations about what your lives will be like in fifteen years. I'm just going to assume there are no terminally ill students in this class for whom this assignment will be unbearably depressing because it's not like teachers get informed about that sort of thing at the beginning of the semester in case it ever becomes a problem in class. You'll be using the animation skills you've been learning since yesterday to do this."

"Wait a second," Zoë said. "An animation this complicated, like with human characters in it, might be a challenge even for actual college-level art students doing their final projects for first-year animation courses. Why are you making us do it?"

"Because at Degrassi, our English assignments are poorly-disguised therapy exercises, and everything else is graduate or doctorate level cancer research," the teacher explained.

While Grace was up at the front to pick up an assignment sheet, Tristan was like, "Zoë, there are people who have been waiting SIX MONTHS…I mean…uh…a week to see you and Grace talk about that kiss. When's it happening?"

"It's not," Zoë said, "and I'm fine with that. Besides. I'm not a lesbian, and I've liked boys in the past, so Gracevas is probably nothing more than a silly crack ship, right?"

Tristan frowned. "If only I could think of a word for people who like both guys and girls. If only that were an established thing that people could do. Sadly, it's not. You have to either be gay or straight."

"Wait, though," Zoë said. "Degrassi has an LGBT club, right. So…lesbian, gay…transgender, what does the 'b' stand for? Maybe…both…sexual?"

"Don't be silly. The 'b' stands for basically gay," Tristan said. "What else could it be?"

"You're right!" Zoë said. "I'm definitely a lesbian."

With that, Zoë's past relationships with Miles and Zig fell even deeper into the same black hole that housed Toby's relationship with Kendra, Emma's relationship with Chris, Drew's feelings for Jess in season ten, Connor'scrush on Clare that no one remembers, Hunter's budding relationship with Arlene, and probably many more Degrassi relationships that started to happen and then were never mentioned again.

"Can someone just say the word bisexual already?" triles-is-otp-4-ever asked. "It's getting offensive how this show keeps treating it like a dirty word."

Sadly, both the Degrassi writers and characters ignored the fan.

"But what about Grace? She's probably into guys," Zoë said.

"She doesn't have those piercings and that hair to impress boys," Tristan said.

"Miles said that exact thing over the summer," Zoë said. "Did you two borrow Imogen and Jack's couple telepathy?"

"We're so not a couple," Tristan said. "We are the overest over couple that has ever been over."

"Sure," Zoë said.

A moment later, Frankie walked into school with cute white streaks in her hair. "So is she gay too?" Zoë asked Tristan. "You did say that Grace couldn't possibly have put unnatural color in her hair to impress guys."

Tristan thought about this for a moment. "I have no idea."

Lola at least thought the new hairstyle was worrisome. "Oh no! You changed your hair! Dying your hair a different color than it used to be is always a cry for help!"

Shay and Frankie both looked at Lola with serious concern. "Oh my God," Shay said. "Lola, are you okay?"

"What do you mean?" Lola asked.

"You dye your hair all the time," Frankie reminded her. "You must be in crisis or something!"

"No I don't. It's naturally pink. I'm actually an anime character," Lola said. "Seriously, I'm a magical girl with a kawaii little cat, and if I twirl my lipstick around, I undergo a transformation sequence. It's pretty cool."

"Then why was your hair purple or blue or something last year?" Shay asked.

Lola took a moment to think about that. "Uh…I fell in a bucket of staining blue paint last year. I seriously never dye my hair."

Frankie sighed. "Whatever. So…why are you worried that I got some white streaks?"

"Because," Lola said. "You've been morbidly depressed since you broke up with Winston, and I will not let anything happen to you! We should go out tonight to get your mind off the breakup."

"Thanks, but I'm already planning to cry into my pillow," Frankie said. "I don't have time to go out."

Sadly, that's actually what happens when you're depressed sometimes.

When lunch rolled around, Zoë and Grace were hanging out while Zig and Maya enjoyed their five minutes of romantic peace. They did this mostly by feeding each other pizza in the background.

"Since when did our caf get delivered pizza?" Grace asked.

"Since they stopped needing lunch to be messy and complicated just to humiliate me at my community service job last semester," Zoë said.

"Oh, I see," Grace responded. Just then, Grace ran off.

"Was it something I said?" Zoë asked Zig and Maya.

Neither of them knew, so Zoë texted Grace ten billion times. "Oh God," she said to Zig and Maya. "You don't think she fell in the black hole, do you?"

"There's one way to find out," Zig said. "Look up her house. See if it actually exists. That way you'll know for sure if the writers are serious about her as a character."

"That won't work anymore," Maya argued. "Jack got a house and a mom, and where is she this year?"

"No idea," Zoë admitted grimly. "I'd better go look for her anyway."

Zoë showed up at Grace's house unannounced to try to solve their problems. It's a tradition for bi girls the show to do that to their crushes. Paige did it with Alex, and Imogen did it with Jack.

When Zoë arrived, Grace's mother answered the door.

"Are you her mom?" Zoë asked.

"Yes I am," the woman with black flat-ironed hair said.

"Okay, cool. I'm glad because Degrassi rarely ever black-holes anyone after casting them a mom."

"Grace isn't black-holed, but she also definitely isn't here," Mrs. Cardinal said.

Unfortunately, Grace was visibly in the house, looking out from the curtains. Zoë was very confused.

The next day, the two of them were in the bathroom, and Zoë was like "Did our summer together mean nothing to you? Did you flip a switch and erase me from your memory? Did you ever like me at all?"

"Don't be an idiot," Grace said, before coughing up blood.

"Oh my God," Zoë said. "You have a legitimate reason to have been avoiding me all this time, and it actually isn't some mismatched sexual orientation business."

Grace nodded. "Can you take me home?"

Zoë did that, and Grace got in bed with her inhaler.

"What terrible illness is Degrassi making poor Grace suffer to educate tweens about?" Zoë asked.

"Cystic fibrosis," Grace's mother explained. "It's a disease where the lungs fill with bloody mucous that restricts the airway."

There's no good way to parody something like that. "Doesn't that kill you eventually?" Zoë asked.

"Uh…" Grace's mom paused. "There are…tons of new advancements coming out all the time, and many people make it into their forties, and let's stay positive, okay?"

This wasn't reassuring for Zoë. She went home to find a cure for cystic fibrosis using nothing but WebMD and some New Age healing sites. The next day, she asked Grace to meet her on the roof.

"Um…why is there still roof access?" Grace asked. "Haven't at least two people tried to jump off this thing already?"

"It's a good place for them to shoot really dramatic scenes," Zoë said. "Grace, I want you to know that I totally get cystic fibrosis. I looked it up online, and I found out that there's this experimental drug from Zimbabwe and hot yoga and meditation and guardian angel miracles and green smoothies, so you're gonna be fine."

"Zoë, no one's more invested in keeping me alive than I am. Don't you think if there was actually a miracle cure out there, I'd know about it by now?" Grace asked.

"But what if the only reason you're sick is because you've internalized negative messages about cystic fibrosis being a terrible disease?" Zoë asked.

"Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?" Grace asked.

"I saw someone saying it on the internet, so it must be smart," Zoë reasoned.

"Just stop!" Grace said. "There's a real possibility that I'm going to die before I hit forty, and I need friends who can actually love me anyway instead of people who voluntarily throw themselves into the black hole because they can't handle it."

Zoë thought about that for a moment. "But in Degrassi years, forty is basically seventy-five, right? Just think how long the average Degrassi character stays in high school. You've got at least five more years of this alone! Plus, with the hiatuses we've been having lately, you might not turn 40 until 2100!"

This was the last straw for Grace. "Shut up!" she shouted, before storming off.

Meanwhile, Frankie was online talking to someone whose profile picture was a pair of shoes, explaining to him that no one understood her.

"I totally get that," he said. "I hope you feel better."

"If only my friends were as sensitive as compassionate as you are!"

"Psych," he wrote. "I am your friends!"

"Damn it; that means no one understands me!" Frankie lamented. She then walked into an empty classroom to cry into a cup of coffee. Before she could get any useful crying done, Jonah showed up.

"Uh…I'm using this classroom to practice my guitar," he said, "which is a lot more important than your mental breakdown, so beat it."

This was seriously the first interaction between Jonah and Frankie, who the show has hinted at eventually making a couple. "So romantic," Frankie said. "But aren't you supposed to be a Christian? Because I thought Christians were supposed to put others first and spread love and compassion."

Jonah considered this for a moment. "My religion hasn't been mentioned since 14B. For all we know, it's like Hazel's Islamic belief system. Gone after one episode!"

"Hazel was Islamic?" Frankie asked incredulously. "First I heard of it."

He shook his head. "You suck. You're some rich bitch with a perfect family."

Frankie stood up to face him. "Um…excuse me, but I actually got taken advantage of by some sociopathic fake kidnapper over the summer because I'm rich. As for my family, my dad hit my brother and cheated on my mom, my mom texted nudes to your ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, and my other brother has some Kylo Ren type anger problem. Don't say we're perfect."

"Well excuse me, princess," Jonah said. "But I'll have you know that I may not even have a family! I could be squatting like Zig used to for all I know. I have no family, no friends, hell…even my plant got black-holed, so don't you whine to me about your horrible life."

Frankie sighed. "O-kay, I'm gonna go talk to my friends now."

Then, Frankie's friends were like, "Sorry we cat fished you."

"Yeah, we love you," Lola said. "But your hair is the worst hair Degrassi has ever seen."

"It's not worse than Emma's perm at her mom's wedding," Frankie said.

"Yeah, but it's clearly just clip-in streaks and not actual dye," Lola said. "So just take them out already because I said so."

"Good point," Frankie said.

Later that day, Miles was called to the principal's office where Mr. Simpson played the video of Miles threatening to kill his mother's new guy with a sword.

"Who were you threatening in this video? Tristan?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"Nope. There is no way I'm whipping out my sword and giving it to Tristan," Miles explained.

"Then who are you uh…planning on…getting out your…god dammit Miles. Who were you threatening?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"The man-skank my mom was banging earlier," Miles said.

"That man-skank was your father," Mrs. Hollingsworth said.

Miles started shaking. "Mom. You know being around him gives me panic attacks seeing as how he used to beat me for being bisexual and everything, right?"

"He can get through an entire dinner without breaking anything now!" Mrs. Hollingsworth said. "I can't say the same thing about Hunter at this point, but honestly. Why not come have a nice family dinner with all of us?"

Miles stormed back to English class, which was in session just because it needed to be in order to further the plot.

"The point of writing is to talk about how you feel," Mr. Mitchel said.

"No way," Miles said. "No one gives a fuck about how I feel. All the writers ever wanna do with me is throw me into these godawful awful love triangles, and all my parents want to do with me is force me to act like everything's fine when my dad hit me and my mom's some totally fucked up enabler."

"I just heard a best-selling short story," Mr. Mitchel said. "That was brilliant. Epic."

"No it wasn't. It was just me complaining about shit."

"I'm the new Dawes," Mr. Mitchel said. "Everything you just said was brilliant."

Esme smiled. "I couldn't agree more. I'm Esme. Allow me to be your Imogen."

"Good," Miles said. "I could use an Imogen. That way if Gracevas becomes the new Folly J with one of them being straight, you can go bisexual later and date whichever one's actually into girls."

WILL ESME AND MILES ACTUALLY BECOME A THING?

WILL ESME REALLY GO BISEXUAL AFTER SHE AND MILES INEVITABLY BREAK UP, LEADING TO TRILES 2.0?

IS GRACEVAS EVER GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN?

WILL MRS. HOLLINGSWORTH EVER START GIVING A FUCK THAT HER OWN SON IS BEING ABUSED?

The show may never answer these questions, but this parody will try.