AN: I'm back with more trash guys. ('This story still lacks a plot') I'm getting there, I promise!

Warnings: Alexander being an asshole, discussion of sexuality and self hate, platonic sexy stuff mentioned, abuse mentions, drug and alcohol use (underage)

2. The Apology of 1800

I have to admit, I'm feeling kind of lost when the boys are out of the hall. The room suddenly feels all too long when you're the only one in it. I stand there for a while, lingering outside G's class in attempt to prepare myself mentally for confronting Alexander and Jefferson. Both of them intimidate me far too much, filling my mind with anxieties that might even be a little bit ridiculous. Alexander's loud and reckless, he wouldn't hesitate to yell at me in front of a crowd which gives me shivers just to think about- there's nothing worse than being yelled at. Jefferson, while a little more subtle and sneaky in his actions, will also rip me to shreds if I don't choose my words right. My mind is left going a million miles a minute, considering every awful way this could go, stressing me out all the more. Why did I decide to do this? I should just run to the parking lot, maybe the boys haven't left yet-

"Lyra? Hey!" a sweet voice interrupts my thoughts, and I turn quickly on my heels to meet eyes with the speaker. Despite my own freaking out, I can't help but grin when I see Philip walking toward me in the hall, holding hands with his girlfriend (Emerson, is it? I've never met her, but I believe that's what Philip told me when he spoke about her in the English class I TA for). There's no other word more fitting for Philip than adorable. He's a short kid, though he still beats his girlfriend by a few inches, with loads of curly, black hair that falls all around of his face- which is covered in more freckles than can possibly be counted. He's always grinning, I've never seen the smile taken off the kid's face. And the strangest part of it all, he's Alexander's little brother.

"Hi, Philip, and um-" I look to the girl, still not certain of her name. I'd rather just have her tell me herself and avoid any awkwardness that could possibly come out of getting it wrong.

"Emerson." the girl replies gently, her voice sounds even more honey-filled than Philip's- if that's even possible. She's incredibly small, enough so to make the ever short Philip appear tall. Her hair falls just past her chest, a lovely dark brown with a bit of natural curl to it. Her eyes match the color, big and almond shaped.

"Lyra." I answer, offering her a smile.

She returns the smile, before her face falls, "Are you alone?" Emerson asks, sounding a bit worried, "You can always come join us for lunch, we'd love to have you."

My heart is filled with warmth- she's just met me and she's already being so nice, but I shake my head, "Thank you, but that won't be necessary. Actually, I'm looking for Philip's brother." the anxiety starts to come back when I mention it, "Any idea where I can find him?"

Philip's eyes get wide and hopeful, "Are you two finally making friends? I told you, all it would take is a little talking and-"

"Um, no." I interrupt him softly, rubbing my arm uncomfortably, "It's not like that. I just need to talk to him."

I'm a little pained by Philip's slightly dropping features due to my words, Emerson takes the initiative calmly, "Alexander always spends his time in the library." she informs me, "We'll take you to him."

"You don't need to-" I start.

"There's no reason why you should have to walk alone." she says, pulling Philip gently along as the two walk out of the hallway with me.

The campus is mostly empty by now, a majority of the students have already left to either walk or drive to go get 's a few groups scattered about the campus, and Philip and Emerson smile and greet all of them. Philip's really popular for his age, almost everyone knows him. He's a cheerleader, alongside doing gymnastics and theatre, the kid is non-stop. The opposite of Alexander- well not necessarily, Alexander is popular- especially with the girls at our school, he just chooses not to acknowledge it. And he's definitely a hard worker. Actually, thinking about it, maybe the two aren't so different.

Emerson, I notice, seems to rely on Philip to boost her cheer. She's not necessarily dependent, but it's obvious that having someone she's comfortable with helps a ton in allowing her to be her true self. It's nice, how confident she seems to be with Philip by her side. And the way they look at each other. They seem like a disney movie in front of my eyes.

"Lyra?" I blink out of my thoughts, only now realizing that we've made it in front of the library. Philip is tilting his head, looking at me with a bit of concern, "Are you alright?"

"You seem a little out of it." Emerson finishes for him, her hand squeezes his once as they both stare at me, awaiting my answer.

I swallow thickly, once again becoming aware of how nervous I am. What if my apologizing just makes things worse? "I'm fine." I reply anyway, "Thank you guys for walking with me, I can take it from here."

I push the metal, green doors to the library open, my hands shaking violently. Philip and Emerson follow in behind, but they take a separate path, walking over to the section of bean bag chairs in the library. The plop onto two of them and lie beside each other, Emerson's hand moving on over to play with Philip's hair. I smile to myself slightly, trying to ignore my racing pulse. The warmth of the building doesn't override the chill of my bones.

I search the tables, stopping when my eyes land on Alexander. He's got his head buried in a book (I think it's the one Mr. G mentioned to us yesterday), along with a stack of books next to him. There's supposed to be a limit on how many books we check out, but I'm fairly certain the librarians make an exception for Alexander. Luckily, he's too focused on reading and taking quick notes that he doesn't notice me approaching with shaky steps and shaky breaths. I try to be casual, sitting down across from him.

Alexander doesn't look up, leading me to wonder if he did notice me walking up and just elected to ignore me. I want to say something, start up a conversation. But my throat feels closed shut, and all I can do is open and close my mouth a bunch of times, feeling like an idiot. The table is shaking slightly- or is it me that's shaking?

"Are you going to say something or just sit there?" Alexander asks, still not making any form of eye contact. His voice sounds completely disinterested.

"I-" I start, but once again find myself at a loss for words.

"Of course you aren't. You don't know how to say anything of value."

Those words sting, I feel myself visibly flinch. I try to focus on collecting my thoughts and arranging my apology, nervously picking at my fingernails. Alexander still doesn't look up, writing notes at the same time.

"If you aren't going to say anything, you can go."

"I-I-" I take a breath, "I wanted to apologize- for what happened- I-I think you deserve the higher grade-"

"I don't need your pity." His voice is cold, though there's also a hint of something else that I can't make out through the twist in my chest, "And this apology is the exact reason why you shouldn't have the higher grade. You can't even take something so great with pride-"

My eyes are filling with tears, fingers clutched tightly to my shirt to keep myself from actually crying. He's not even saying too horrible of things and yet I feel like running and hiding. He seems like he's only going to continue, until a gentle, female voice beats him, "Am I interrupting something?"

I blink away what I can of my tears, though the worry in the girl's expression tells me it doesn't do much good. I recognize her, Hollie from APUSH. She's short, though taller than Emerson; with long, bleach blonde hair and pale blue eyes. She's naturally pretty, no makeup needed. I don't know much about her, she's incredibly quiet, especially in APUSH- I'm not sure I've ever heard her speak until now as I come to think about it.

"I was just leaving." I tell her quickly, standing up wearily. The girl looks like she wants to add something, but I don't give her time to. I hear Alexander say something along the lines of 'She's being overly dramatic' to explain to Hollie. And he's right, I am, but that doesn't stop me from doing so. I quickly walk toward the library doors, hugging myself tightly and feeling like a complete idiot. I see vaguely out of the corner of my eye Philip and Emerson getting up, noticing me and I try to quicken my pace further.

"Lyra!" Philip calls, and one of the librarian turns, shushing him. He smiles apologetically, getting up with Emerson and crossing the room to me before I can get out, "Are you alright?"

Emerson digs in her purse before pulling out a tissue from her bag, holding it out to me. I take it graciously, dabbing at my eyes. At least now I can try to prevent anyone else from seeing me so distraught. "Did Alexander say something to you?" she asked, "I'm sure he didn't mean it-"

"If he did, let us know," Philip adds, "I can say something. I know he does some stupid things, he doesn't always think..."

I shake my head quickly, not wanting things to get worse than they already are. Alexander already seemed to hate me, I'm sure that wouldn't lessen with Philip saying something. "I'm fine, I think I just need some air." I don't let them get many more words of concern out before I turn and push out of the library, rushing away.

My vision is blurry as I rush out, and I don't get far before before slamming directly into someone, bouncing back, "I-I'm sorry-" I stutter, glancing up.

I'm met with a smirk that leaves a sinking feeling in my stomach, "Well, if it isn't the grade A student." Jefferson. I'd wanted to apologize to he and Alexander, but I was hoping for a small break in between speaking to them, especially after how disastrous my meeting with Alexander had gone.

I wipe at my eyes, feeling my cheeks a little heated with embarrassment. I guess the tissues hadn't worked as well as hoped. "You're also an A student, Thomas." I remind him, trying to keep my voice from breaking.

"But not the A." he shoots back, he smiles at me and something about it sends shivers down my spine, "What are you doing running out of the library in tears? And where's the idiotic trio you spend your time with?"

I feel my fists clench slightly, I've never been an aggressive person, but something about Jefferson never fails to get under my skin. Still, I keep my voice calm, though it's still a little hoarse from the tears, "You don't even care, you just want to tease me about it, so I'd rather just not answer."

"How quick witted-"

"Jefferson, shut up." a girl's voice says and before I know it, she's stading beside me. Another APUSH kid, Abella. She's incredibly smart, enough so that Thomas and Alexander respect her for her answers. She's long, curled, naturally ginger hair and pretty hazel eyes. She looks at me with a helpful smile, "Is he bothering you? He's good at doing that."

Jefferson groans, crossing his arms, "Abella, you're no fun-"

"Ah-ah-ah, I was talking to her." she chides him. I see him crack a smile. Abella and Thomas are good friends, much to Lafayette's discontent. Lafayette has had a huge crush on Abella since he arrived, and he has this theory that Thomas is madly in love with her. I'd always thought he was just a little paranoid but the way Thomas looks at her, I start to think Lafayette's not that far off.

"He's fine," I assure gently, Thomas's smile turning into a smirk at my words, "I bumped into him and I needed to speak to him anyway, so.."

She grins, "Great, I was just meeting up with him to go to the drama classroom, you can join us." she says.

I feel my nerves start up. Despite Lafayette, Hercules, and John all being big, active participants in the drama program, I tend to avoid it as much as I can. Everyone in the program is loud and outgoing, which completely intimidates me. They're all nice, don't get me wrong, but the environment overwhelms my introverted nature. Still, I can't say no to Abella's offering of kindness. And I guess going with them is better than hiding off alone for the rest of the period feeling bad about myself.

"Alright." I agree gently.

She links her arm with mine, taking me by a bit of surprise, as she leads me off in the direction of the theatre. Jefferson follows casually alongside us, hands deep in the pockets of his obnoxiously long, purple coat. The whole way there the two chat happily among themselves, joking around and occasionally looking to me for an opinion- which I respond to by nodding or shaking my head, far too shy to use words in fear of sounding dumb.

Once we arrive into the drama room, the entire room seems to turn, grinning at Jefferson and Abella, and waving before turning back to their own lively conversations. Everyone speaks with their hands, I notice, acting stories out as if they're on stage. The whole thing is, as predicted, completely overwhelming. I'm a little more soothed when Abella keeps her hold on my arm, as she and Jefferson lead me over to the back corner next to the open door that leads to the hall. Already sitting in the area is James Madison.

James Madison is, quite literally, the coolest kid in school. His family is extremely wealthy, he's captain of the varsity football team, and everyone knows him. Just being in his proximity leaves you feeling as if you're in the presence of a celebrity. He doesn't even say anything when we walk up, just nods in our general direction. Effortless.

"James, this is Lyra." Abella introduces, leaning against the table.

James glances up at me and I feel like melting. "Hey." he says.

I can feel myself shaking a little, and I try to keep myself collected as I speak, "Nice to meet you." When he cracks a small smile, I feel my heart skip a beat.

"Jefferson!" A voice calls, rushing through the open door beside us, and breaking me out of my Madison's coolness induced trance. A tall, thin girl with short hair that sticks up and a pair of thick, black glasses over light blue eyes owns the voice. She looks panicked, holding up two different fabrics. "Which of these looks best?" she asks, sounding frazzled.

Jefferson points to one, "Obviously that one, it's cheap and easy to move around in." he says easily.

She nods, filling with relief quickly and smiling, "Of course, thank you!" I recognize her, now, she's in APUSH, too. She doesn't really speak in class, but I know G loves her essays. Upon noticing me, she seems to lose her enthusiasm and quiet down. I feel a little guilty.

"Marzia!" Abella cries in hapiness, throwing her arms around the other girl, "This is Lyra, from our class."

Marzia, that's her name, she looks at to me with a nervous smile, "Hi."

"Hello." I say with equal amounts of nerves.

"This conversation isn't going to get anywhere fast," Jefferson comments, laughing, "Lyra, what is it you wanted to tell me?"

I look to him, tilting my head before I remember the apology, "Oh!" I exclaim, "Right. I wanted to apologize to you, for my grade, I know that you and Alexander deserve the higher grade."

Abella's eyes widen, "No way, you have the highest grade?" she gasps, "Actually, that's not too surprising."

Jefferson shoots her a look before turning back to me, "I agree I deserve a higher grade, Alexander is fine where he is. Second best suits him."

"Thomas, that's rude." Marzia scholds, "Alexander works just as hard as you."

He shrugs, uncaring, "Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I accept your apology, it's not a big deal. I just want you to know it's not going to stay that way forever."

Abella whacks him on the shoulder, "Don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about." She grabs my wrists excitedly, "You know what? You should totally come to my party this weekend. I know it's a little out of the blue, but the whole drama department is invited, and you're practically a member if you're friends with Lafayette and them."

I'm taken aback, for sure, but a smile comes to my face at how she names Lafayette- he's going to freak out when I tell him. "Well, I'm not really one for parties.." I admit gently, and upon seeing her face fall I quickly add, "But I guess if the boys are going, what harm could be done?"

She grins, "Awesome! They already have the details, so you wont need to worry about the information."

I nod, "Thank you."

She nods back, turning away from me to start up a conversation with Jefferson. I stay there for the rest of lunch, actually enjoying talking and joking around with the little group.

- break line -

A few hours after school it's John and I sitting on alone on the couch in Hercules' basement. I'm resting against him, his legs wrapped slightly around me. He's trying out a new braid in my hair, using a reference from his phone. Every once in a while having to pull his hands back so he can finish taking a drag of his cigarette. As he does so, I nurse my third or fourth beer, humming against the bottle.

"Lafayette and Hercules haven't come down yet." He notes, pulling a strand of my hair from the front to the back.

I nod, taking a little bit longer sip of my drink, "They're probably fooling around."

It's not uncommon for the two to experiment with each other, both Lafayette and Hercules have been questioning their sexual orientations, especially since Lafayette started living with Herc as part of the foregin exchange program. I have no problem with it, it's smart really, the way they choose to do it with someone they trust and feel comfortable with, rather than a stranger.

"Mm." John agrees.

I look back at him and he makes a slight noise of complaint in worry my hair is going to get messed up. His eyes meet mine and he smiles slightly, looking a little nervous as he quickly moves in to put his lips against mine. I'm a little surprised, but I return the gesture. John's lips always feel soft, but they shake a bit- he's always worried, never quite sure of himself.

After a moment, he pulls away, looking apologetic. I take his hand gently, "Don't feel anything, huh?" I ask.

He nods, "I'm really trying to.." he tells me.

I constantly have to assure John that I'm fine with the fact that he's gay. His family is extremely homophobic and John's absorbed a lot of it into himself. He's not outwardly hateful, in fact, none of the group is remotely straight and he's perfectly fine with it- himself, however, he's not fine with. He's constantly trying to feel something for a girl, he does his best practicing with me, but I've told him a million times that it won't change anything and that's okay.

I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug, "It's okay, John, you're fine."

He burries his face against my hair, nodding slightly. "How was your day?" he asks softly, trying to change the subject, "Did the apology go okay?"

"Yeah, we're dying to know!" Hercules calls, and both John and I jump, squeaking.

Lafayette grins, his hair tossed all which ways, "It's just us, you two." he teases.

"How was the sex?" I joke right back, sticking out my tongue.

Hercules smirks, "You really dying to know?" he then becomes a bit more serious, "I don't want to make John uncomfortable."

Of the three of us, Hercules is the least educated on lgbtq+ things, however, he's extremely considerate. It took a long time for Hercules to really understand John's demisexuality, and he's still learning, but he's incredibly respectful.

John smiles, looking thankful, "I'm fine hearing about sex, Hercules." he explains, "I just am not willing to engage in it myself."

"Unless you meet someone you really trust, right? Other than that you're repulsed?" Hercules asks, looking genuinely interested.

John nods, "I need an emotional connection to have sex." he confirms.

Hercules grins, "Well, I'll be sure to give you all the dirty details, then." he's back to joking, "But first, I want to hear what happened at lunch, Lyra."

I nod, explaining the earlier events thoroughly. It's a rule in our group to be as detailed as you can with events- every moment counts.

Hercules looks pissed by the end of my story, "Hamilton said that to you?" he growls, "I'll show that kid-"

I shake my head, "Let him be, Herc." I say gently.

Hercules grumbles, but continues more calmly, "I can't believe Hollie is getting tutored by that guy. She's way too smart to need him in the first place and, obviously, he can't be trusted to play nice."

"I'm sure he's just in a bad mood today." John assures Hercules, "I bet he'll apologize."

Lafayette rolls his eyes, "You are far too optomistic, John." he says, "But did Abella really mention me?"

I smile, nodding, "Yep! Can you bee-lieve it?" I joke. 'Abella' is the french word for bee, the boys all just groan at my lame joke.

John smiles, "I'm glad you're attending the party with us."

"Yeah, me too." And I do admit a bit of excitement, after the surprising amount of fun I had earlier, I was a bit curious.

John yawns, leaning back, "Herc, I'm staying the night." he says. He always stays with Hercules if he can, trying to avoid his abusive, horrible excuse for a father.

"Of course." Hercules shrugs, looking at me, "You too, Lyra?"

I nod, "Hell yeah." I answer, drinking down what's left of my beer.

"Well, if it's going to be a slumber party, I'll go get some more drinks." Hercules says, getting up.

Meanwhile, Lafayette comes to nestle on the couch with John and I, throwing an arm around both of us. I put my legs on his lap, resting my head back onto John. I feel content, closing my eyes.