This required secrecy and espionage, extremely difficult tasks in a facility run by an omniscient being. Luckily, if anyone knew GLaDOS's operating schedule almost as well as the AI herself, it was Chell. There was a brief period during the night when GLaDOS switched to sleep mode, a window of a scant few hours. Chell had to work quickly. Even with GLaDOS running at minimal capacity, modern Aperture remained off limits to her quest. With surveillance cameras around every corner, the AI could easily catch wind of her activities should she happen to review the security footage.
It wasn't like she could start destroying vital testing apparatuses like the old days, though that thought made Chell smile.
Old Aperture was her goal. It was littered with enough abandoned supplies and material to provide everything Chell needed— it was just a matter of finding it. And though GLaDOS had installed the test shaft with a camera here and there, most of the salt mine's depths were untouched by her influence.
It was perfect.
On the planned night of her mission, Chell stayed up later than usual, keeping GLaDOS company in her chamber. Her eyes itched, her fingers were sore, and she made more mistakes in her data entry than she did correct lines of text. GLaDOS, however, worked tirelessly, typing up more documents in the last five minutes than Chell had in the previous hour. A jaw-cracking yawn made her eyes water, and Chell decided it was time to set the plan in motion.
The young woman stood and stretched with a grunt, shutting off her computer and straightening up the desk. GLaDOS seemed not to notice.
"I'm heading to bed," Chell said. Her voice echoed off the paneled walls, interrupting the hum of machinery and clickety-click of the keyboard.
"Mm," said GLaDOS. "Enjoy your period of reduced neural activity."
"You could just say good night."
"Too colloquial," she murmured, yellow eyes glued to the screen in front of her.
Chell briefly considered waving a hand in front of the android's face to annoy her, but now was not the time to draw unnecessary attention. She yawned without bothering to cover her mouth, hardly needing to fake her sleepiness for the sake of appearances.
"Well, don't let the software bugs bite."
A mirthless laugh. "As if I had bugs like a common PC."
Chell smiled at her prideful friend, resisting the urge to hug her from behind. That would definitely earn suspicion, and tonight was a night for stealth. Leaving GLaDOS to her work, she made her way through Aperture to her room in the dormitories. It was strange how the looming test chambers and diffused lighting no longer put her on edge— in fact, Chell found them comforting. The simple gift of GLaDOS's welcome transformed the facility from a horror house of mad science to… home. Which, in effect, made her mission akin to sneaking into the kitchen at night to swipe cookies from the pantry.
Except the head of the household was really paranoid and had a penchant for high-tech gadgetry and weapons systems.
Chell slipped into her room, flicking the lights on and snapping her laptop open on her way to the bathroom, where she splashed cold water on her face to shock herself awake. Blinking water from her eyes, Chell inspected her reflection in the mirror and her mouth twisted in a grimace. She was in need of a shower and a good night's sleep— but that would have to wait. The woman sighed and redid her ponytail. Grabbing a kettle, she filled it with water from the sink and plunked it on a hotplate to heat up.
GLaDOS had found the hotplate and kettle for her. Chell smiled at the memory as she flopped on the bed and pulled her laptop close, entering a series of commands. She'd stumbled in one evening after an exhausting expedition in the test shaft to find the appliances nestled on her bed alongside a box filled with teabags and sugar packets. Chell vaguely remembered making an offhand comment to GLaDOS about liking a cup of tea on chilly nights. That the AI had truly listened and taken the effort to fulfill such an inconsequential request made her giddy. Chell went to bed that night warmed by more than just tea.
A window popped open on the laptop screen, offering a somewhat grainy image of the central chamber. Chell grinned triumphantly— she'd tapped into the security video feed. Another keystroke, and the camera zoomed in on a pale figure, still seated at a computer console. Her smile vanished as she heaved an exasperated sigh. Did GLaDOS ever stop working?
Chell left the feed open as she shut off the hotplate and made a cup of tea. Though she hoped the caffeine would keep her awake, the hot liquid's immediate effect warmed her belly and lulled her into a half-lidded doze as she watched GLaDOS work. She felt a bit voyeuristic, but this was the only way she would know when the supercomputer entered sleep mode, with the added benefit that GLaDOS assumed she'd gone to bed.
Movement on the screen roused Chell from her waking nap. GLaDOS stood and unplugged the cables from the back of her head. Finally. Chell downed the rest of her tea in a gulp and tugged on her long-fall boots, snapping the footwear into place over her calves and knees. She watched GLaDOS direct her android body into its storage unit, linking herself with its system via smaller wires. The AI closed her eyes, and the central chamber lights shut off one by one until the room was dark, save for a single spotlight on the chassis.
Chell zipped up her jumpsuit and retrieved the portal device from its place of honor on her dresser.
Operation Robo-Birthday was on.
.~.-*-.~.
Chell's comfort with Aperture ended when she rode the freight elevator into the salt mine's abandoned depths. She could not feel at ease in a place where even GLaDOS was at a loss for knowledge. The temperature dropped the deeper she traveled, and Chell felt the chill in the tips of her fingers and nose. Shifting from foot to foot to keep warm, she was hit the sudden stench of rust and salt as the elevator opened into 1980s Aperture. She could never get used to that smell— so sharp and acrid, it made her cough.
GLaDOS assured her there were no toxic fumes in the air, but sometimes she wished for a respirator just in case.
Chell stepped off the elevator and made straight for the offices, ignoring the metallic groan of the enrichment spheres, stanchioned so precariously in the test shaft. Far below, beneath the murky vapors, runoff splashed into the acidic lake, echoing off the cavern's walls and rusted structures. The sound came from everywhere at once, interspersed with the creak and screech of damaged steel and cables. Pipes wailed against decades of abuse by corrosion. Somewhere above, a lightbulb shorted— a flurry of sparks fell and were extinguished in the cold, wet air. The entire shaft was an orchestra of distress.
Chell hated coming here alone— but GLaDOS was worth enduring a little creepiness.
Once she was inside the offices, the mine's cacophony was muffled, replaced by the electric hum of fluorescent lights and forgotten machinery whose purpose was known only to people long dead.
Now the search began.
Chell raided every maintenance room and janitorial closet she could find, ransacking them in as orderly a fashion as possible. Asbestos kept out rats but apparently had no effect on spiders, as she learned more empirically than she ever wanted. The tiny creatures lurked in the dark, dry spaces between supplies and equipment, weaving their sticky webs where Chell was sure to reach. They scurried to safety as she disturbed their homes, but she was positive an abnormally large spider hissed when her fingers tangled in its web. Desperately hoping it was not an escaped experiment, Chell wiped the silky strands on her jumpsuit and moved on.
Even the few un-vitrified laboratories were not spared her perusal. Outdated tools and equipment littered lab tables, left in disarray after the shaft's closure. A thick layer of dust pervaded the labs, little puffs floating into the air with Chell's every footstep. Dry-erase boards were scribbled with equations and notes that might as well be foreign language, their meaning lost to time. A thousand years in the future, an archeological team would have a field day with this place. Well, Chell thought with a wry grin, if they can get past GLaDOS.
Her time in the laboratories swiftly ended when Chell opened a supply cabinet and was met with a wall of empty gazes— specimen jars neatly shelved, each containing the surgically severed head of a monkey. She quailed under their filmy eyes. Taking a slow, deliberate breath, Chell calmly shut the cabinet, turned around, and got the hell out.
The passage of time was difficult to judge this far underground, especially in the encapsulated little bubble of the past that was old Aperture. It felt as though time simply stood still, but Chell knew better. At least two hours had passed— GLaDOS would not remain inactive much longer. She inspected her evening's haul: white paint, sealant, industrial soap, rags, paintbrushes, and a big metal bucket to carry it all. A small reward for such diligent hunting, but it was precisely what she needed.
Now there was one final task.
Chell left her bucket of supplies tucked in a corner near the freight elevator, then headed for the 1950s level of the test shaft. She needed GLaDOS out of the central chamber for the better part of a day, and the surefire way to achieve that was to break something the AI would insist upon fixing herself. It was a plan that risked angering GLaDOS, but Chell could only hope the end result would correct all wrongs.
She portaled her way to the repulsion gel pump station and shut off the gel flow, then followed the pipes that originated at the station as they branched throughout the abandoned facility. Soon, Chell found what she needed— an obscure pipe in a hard-to-reach area. She located a hatch, pried it open, and crammed it full of all the rocks, debris, and scrap metal she could get her hands on, wedging them in good and tight.
Oh, GLaDOS would be pissed.
On her way back to the elevator, Chell powered up the gel flow. The pressure in the pipe would build, affecting the supply in modern Aperture. In the morning, when GLaDOS ran Atlas and P-body through their daily test tracks, she would realize something was amiss. If the blockage were in the modern facility, GLaDOS would diagnose it in seconds— but in the test shaft, she was essentially blinded. The AI would be forced to find the problem manually, leaving Chell free to work her magic in the central chamber, undisturbed.
As she approached the elevator, she allowed herself a self-satisfied grin and whistled a random cheerful tune. Sure, she'd outwitted GLaDOS before, but it was more fun when it didn't result in one of them in stasis or dead.
At least, Chell assumed no one would die— until she realized the elevator was moving.
Oh shit.
Chell snatched her bucket and dove into a control booth next to the elevator, hiding behind a filing cabinet. Reflected in the glass of the booth's windows, she had a perfect view of the lift and its passenger as it came to a stop.
Oh shit!
It wasn't that Chell thought GLaDOS was actually angry at her for sneaking around old Aperture. Curious, maybe— annoyed for her safety, even. But discovering the woman here would effectively ruin the surprise she had planned. Once GLaDOS started questioning, she didn't stop until she was satisfied, and she wasn't satisfied until she had the truth.
And she was awfully good at finding the truth.
Chell was certain Aperture installed her with a genuine bullshit detector.
Geez, she's a light sleeper, Chell thought. What could possibly have roused the AI? Frantically, Chell sifted through her evening's travels, mentally retracing her steps. Had she gotten sloppy and crossed a camera's line of sight? No— she was positive she'd avoided them. Even if GLaDOS had put up more cameras without telling her, the devices were hard to miss. Chell craned her neck to get a better view, and suddenly how the AI woke up became the last of her worries.
GLaDOS toted a baseball bat, and the expression on her face said she was not looking for a friendly game.
"Show yourself," she said, her voice dangerously quiet. "Now."
Chell pointedly stayed right where she was, pressed against the cabinet, heart pounding in her ears. GLaDOS drew closer, her footsteps a gentle tap… tap… tap on the tile floor.
"I know you're there. Your persistence in remaining hidden is foolish— and fatal."
GLaDOS stopped just outside the control booth. Chell's mind raced in wild circles, unable to find a reason for her friend's dramatic mood swing. Nothing she'd done that night, not even plugging the gel pipe, could possibly provoke the AI to hunt her down with a baseball bat— which, by the way, where the hell had she found that? Chell risked a quick glance around the corner. GLaDOS brandished the bat as if ready to strike, absolute murder in her glowing eyes.
Was she sleepwalking? … sleep-murdering? That sounded like something GLaDOS would do.
"You think you're so clever," GLaDOS murmured. "Sneaking around in the dark."
She advanced past the control booth, and Chell breathed a sigh of relief through her nose. Quietly as she could— how sensitive was the android's hearing, anyways?— Chell shuffled to the opposite wall, so GLaDOS would not turn and see her through the windows.
"I should have known you were up to something," GLaDOS continued. Her voice rang clear in the musty air, a manic hitch to it that belied a trace of fear. "Plotting— always plotting. Well, guess what?"
The window above Chell's head exploded as GLaDOS slammed it with her bat.
"I've been plotting too!"
Shards of glass rained into Chell's hair and plinked and tinkled onto the floor around her. She clapped a hand to her mouth and tried to breathe silently and remain still, though the adrenaline flooding her body fiercely disagreed. Any inclination Chell had to reveal herself and attempt to reason with the AI shattered with the window.
"I hope you like my motion sensors!" GLaDOS sang cheerfully. "I designed them just for you."
She paced back down the hallway, and Chell scrambled to yet another wall, wincing as splinters of glass stuck in her hands. Motion sensors! No wonder she woke up. When had GLaDOS taken the time to set up those? How long had she planned this? It sounded like she'd been waiting for her to slip up and go exploring on her own. Chell felt a sinking in her gut. GLaDOS was her friend— her best friend. Was it all a lie— the most brilliant trap she could lay? Had the AI schemed up some twisted final revenge behind her back all along?
Suddenly the glass in her hands didn't hurt nearly so bad as the ache in her chest.
"Not so quick to face me now," GLaDOS yelled. "Are you, you mangy, flea-bitten sack of feathers!"
Well, that's just hurtful, Chell thought bitterly. She was perfectly clean and well-groomed, not— wait, feathers?
"I demand you cease this cowardice and show yourself, bird! We'll see whose eyes get pecked out this time! Hint: it won't be mine!"
Chell shoved her face into the crook of her elbow, her entire body shaking with laughter. Tears pricked her eyes from suppressed giggles or sheer relief, she couldn't tell. Maybe both. Oh, GLaDOS. Oh god, poor GLaDOS. She'd have to help her with this particular phobia some time— though the AI seemed to be progressing well on her own. She must have set the sensors for the crow, intending to catch or kill it. Instead, she got Chell.
The woman peeked around the corner to find GLaDOS stalking up the hallway, baseball bat held above her head as if to strike the bird right out of the air. Amused as she was— and relieved that GLaDOS didn't hate her— Chell had to get rid of the android before she found her out. This might set back GLaDOS's therapy a few weeks or earn Chell a bat to the head, but it was worth a shot. She cupped her hands around her mouth.
"KAW KAW ka-KAW!" she cried.
GLaDOS shrieked and spun back and forth, flailing the bat in frantic arcs. She scampered towards the elevator, leapt onto the lift as if it were the last sanctuary in the world, and slammed the button repeatedly. As the elevator ascended, the android shouted back down the shaft.
"Don't think this means you've won!"
Chell listened to the grind and squeak of the lift receding and surveyed the scene. Hesitantly standing, she shook bits of glass from her hair and gathered up the supplies, broken glass crunching and snapping beneath her boots. With battle-hardened stoicism, Chell endured the splintered glass in her hands as she recalled the elevator— it would take tweezers and a magnifying lens in her room to remove that.
As she stepped onto the vacated lift, Chell tried to make sense of the past ten minutes, atypically ridiculous even by Aperture standards. Attempting to piece the scene together in her head had only one result.
Chell cracked up laughing.
Poor GLaDOS. She'd make it up to her soon.