For Disclaimers see ch. 1
Conqueror and Amazon: Towards a new life
by romansilence
-x-x-x-x-
Chapter Two: The Journey
"From this day on Gabrielle only was on her own when the General was out practising with the army or the First Order, together they attended council meetings and court sessions and Gabrielle was able to convince the General more than once to change a decision for the better. It simply was impossible not to like her; her smile is utterly disarming and her voice reminds of the gentle lapping of water at the border of a small lake. She conquered the whole palace in a matter of days but only some of them knew of the price she paid every night for her sunny demeanour. The nightmares seemed to get stronger as time went by, sometimes she was screaming at the top of her lungs without ever waking up. The General began to spend the better part of the night sitting by her bedside and holding her hand thus trying to hold the dreams in check. The nightly vigils though began to take their toll. She was injured during a sparring session and now Gabrielle didn't leave her bedroom. And she learned about the General's nightmares that also could be held at bay by a simple touch of her hand. So they decided to sleep together, and there were no more bad dreams for either of them."
"So they became lovers?!"
"No, Cyrene, not right away. I don't know exactly when they became lovers but it was at least one and a half moon after their first night in the General's bed."
"Why does a soldier, even a trusted one as you obviously are, know so much about the private life of his commanding officer, Palemon?"
"The private rooms of the General are guarded by the First Order, Cyrene. We're only human, we talk about the things we see and hear. The General is more than capable of taking care of herself but we had to make sure that all the courtiers and nobles kept out of her way. Unfortunately, to ensure her privacy from the rest of the palace she lost some of it to us. I don't think she ever cared about our presence, at least not until Gabrielle captured her, heart, soul, and body."
x x x x x x x x x x
FLASHBACK:
Xena never had been fond of sleeping, even as a child she didn't like to stay in bed after sunrise, not even in winter. After the battle with Cortese, after the death of her beloved younger brother, sleeping for her soon turned into another word for having nightmares. She closed her eyes and barely a candlemark later she once again was wide awake, her covers drenched in sweat, her mind's eye still seeing the dead blood stained body of her brother. Physical exhaustion was the only way to control the dreams. Only after a full day of fighting, riding or drilling was her body too worn out to react on her mind's commands, and the dreams didn't disturb her slumber. After Caesar, her heart was totally dead, and she didn't dream any longer but as the years went by the nightmares returned, slowly.
The first one still was burned in her memory. It was after she stopped the war against the Centaurs and began to lead her army through half of Greece to conquer Corinth. Once again, her hands were covered with blood when she held the battered body of a dead man in her arms. This time fighting and killing did nothing to end the dreams, and so she learned to live with them. Over the years, they became as much a part of her as her battle cry or her sword.
The first night she spent with Gabrielle, sitting in this chair, and holding her hand, was the first night without those dreams, the memories of blood and carnage, burning houses and screaming villagers, of lost friends, and lovers, and…. She didn't know it then, and it took ten more days and Gabrielle to point the obvious out. When they finally decided to spend the nights together, sleeping side by side, for the first time in almost fifteen years Xena began to look forward going to sleep.
But soon the Conqueror of Greece and Rome was facing a problem of a different order. The first nights the young woman was careful to keep her distance, only her hand touching Xena's. The warrior's keen senses took in the blonde's scent, her breathing, and soon found their breathing rhythms surprisingly matching one another.
The fifth day a slight tickling brought her to her senses in the middle of the night. Gabrielle practically was wrapped around her body, her head resting on Xena's shoulder, her right leg loosely draped over the larger woman's thigh, her right arm stretched over her abdomen. To her utter surprise Xena found her own right arm comfortably resting at the small of Gabrielle's back, while her left hand was on top of the other woman's hip. She couldn't recall a time a living being had managed coming this close to her without her body automatically defending itself. Gabrielle's hair still was tickling her nose but she didn't want to disturb the young woman by brushing them away. So she kept still and marvelled at the peaceful and seemingly deeply content expression of her younger companion. The next morning, when Xena woke to the predawn glow creeping through the two large windows, Gabrielle was gone. Xena found her in the library immersed in a scroll.
The scenario repeated itself for the next half moon. Xena awakening with Gabrielle safely tucked around her, their chests rising and falling in the same rhythm. The mornings found her alone in bed, and Gabrielle already up and reading. The tall warrior couldn't help but feel a growing sensation of loss every time she found herself in bed without Gabrielle, and during her waking hours, she found her eyes following the scribe around ever so often, taking in her beautiful features.
One night she felt the younger woman slowly creeping away from her about a candlemark before dawn when the night is at its coldest and darkest. She began to move her right hand soothingly over Gabrielle's back and whispered. "Don't go. I'd love to wake up with you in my arms."
The young woman didn't stay and Xena also wasn't able to stay in bed any longer. She got up and took her golden maned war horse Argo for a long run before heading to the training grounds only slightly behind schedule. And once again, things repeated themselves
Ten days later Xena couldn't stand it any longer and followed Gabrielle to the library. They had to talk about it. The Conqueror knew what she felt for the younger woman was far beyond friendship and equally far away from sisterly devotion. She had captured her heart but now her body also longed for the presence of the blonde. Part of her dreaded the inevitable conversation; she didn't look forward to hearing that there only was some sort of convenient companionship coming from Gabrielle but in all her life she never had run away from possibly hurtful situations.
When Xena entered the library through the main doors Gabrielle looked up, a sad smile on her face. "I knew one day you would follow me but I don't want to talk about it. I will leave the palace as soon as possible."
"Why?" Xena had been prepared for a lot of things but not for this kind of quiet determination. "I don't want you to leave. What did I do to scare you away? Tell me what it is and I'll stop doing it. Without the fire in your emerald eyes my world once again will be nothing but darkness."
As before when speaking to Gabrielle Xena found herself saying things she otherwise never would have even thought but nevertheless she knew them to be true.
"You can't change who you are, Xena."
"I see. I should have known that your pure heart couldn't stand the nearness of a cold-blooded murderer like me for long. Palemon will see to it that you have enough money and provisions to take you far away from here."
"Xena, wait."
She heard the sound of a chair crashing on the stone tiles and footsteps following her. She stood but didn't turn around. Gabrielle's body was barely an arm's length behind her; they didn't touch.
"Wait, you've got it all wrong. I don't care about your reputation. You have a gentle heart, Xena, you care for your people but you don't want to show it. You're funny, and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Never in my life have I been as comfortable with anyone as I am with you. Never in my life have I felt as safe and as cared for as with you. I want more than your friendship, and I know this can't be. That's why I have to go. I don't want to hurt you but there is no other way."
Xena turned around and found the younger woman's eyes fixed to the floor. "Gabrielle, look at me."
Silence settled on the shoulders of both women like a heavy weight, and finally Gabrielle's eyes found the blue orbs in front of her. Xena's voice was husky with emotion.
"Please, don't go."
They stood motionless for what appeared to be an eternity, blue eyes lost in green and green eyes in blue. Xena had to remind herself to keep on breathing, and when Gabrielle suddenly closed hers for two long heartbeats, she knew she had lost.
"I'm sorry, Xena."
Gabrielle turned and left the library almost running through the side door leading to Xena's bedroom. The tall warrior didn't try to call her back; she didn't follow her either. She just stood there, in the middle of her library, alone, barely understanding herself. Some candledrops later, she exited the big room, cancelled the sparring session, and began to climb the stairs to the roof terrace overlooking the whole city.
In the past, she would have stormed to the training grounds and kept on fighting until none of her soldiers were left standing. But now she wanted nothing more than to turn back time, to undo the conversation with Gabrielle, and keep on pretending. Surprised by her own reactions, she still was sure without her storming into the library Gabrielle never would have felt compelled to leave.
When she entered the rooftop it was still dark outside, and she lighted the wind and rain protected candles near the walls. She opened a hidden compartment hip high in the western wall and lowered herself to her right knee. She closed her eyes and prayed.
When she was on her feet once again, the rising sun was already warming her neck, and she was pretty sure why the young woman felt the need to leave. She had to try and talk to her to convince her otherwise.
x x x x x
Gabrielle already had left the palace, taking nothing with her but the clothes she was wearing. The startled guards at the palace's front gate told Xena which direction to follow and she quickly made her way to the southeastern gate of Corinth.
Halfway there she heard an angry male voice, menacing and mean, and a frighteningly familiar female voice, obviously scared and at the same time angry. She already was running but now she picked up even more speed. Her fist impacted on his chin when he tried to tear apart the scribe's tunic while her momentum took both of them off the body of the now unconscious woman, his neck breaking when they hit the ground.
Gabrielle had a nasty bump on her right temple but otherwise seemed unharmed. Xena cradled her in her arms and carried her back to the palace. She stayed with her the better part of the day and soon the blonde slipped from unconsciousness to a deep healing sleep. Xena lost herself in the peaceful features of the younger woman, and knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would do anything to make her stay. She never had felt so vulnerable and so at peace with anyone else before. Placing a gentle kiss on the sleeping woman's cheek, she sat down in a chair and whispered. "I love you, Gabrielle."
The Conqueror woke from the distinct feeling of being observed, and found herself facing a pair of piercing green eyes. "You saved me, once again. Thank you."
"I never should have let you go in the first place. You need to learn how to defend yourself first."
"I don't like swords, and I have to leave the palace as soon as possible, now more than ever."
"We will find a way, Gabrielle, but first I want you to drink this and go back to sleep. The headache will be gone when you reawake."
"It's late afternoon, Xena. I already slept the whole day." She closed her eyes for two long heartbeats. "I can't stand being near you and not being able to touch you. I have to leave."
For the longer part of a heartbeat there was a flicker of wonder and delight at the young scribe's confession running through Xena's eyes, and for at least as long she thought about confronting the younger woman with her deductions here and now but finally she decided against it.
"It's your decision, Gabrielle, but however I will make sure that you are protected. Either you stay, and learn to defend yourself, and there are more ways to do that than using a sword. Or I'll give you a bunch of my soldiers for protection."
An expression of utter disbelief appeared on Gabrielle's face, tinted with a sparkle of anger but the Conqueror chose to ignore it.
"You're far too precious to me to let you go unprotected, Gabrielle. I want you to be safe and happy. You obviously can't be happy with me but at the moment, you won't be safe without me. You are free to stay here in your old room; you don't have to spend the nights with me if this is what's scaring you. You won't even have to see me except for your self-defence classes. Please, don't leave."
"I'll stay, Xena."
"Good, your lessons will begin tomorrow at noon. We'll meet at the training grounds." Xena didn't wait for an answer, she just left the room, silently berating herself for not having the courage to speak to her about her feelings as openly as she did to herself earlier while praying.
x x x x x
It was late at night when Xena returned from her hideout in the palace gardens. Passing Gabrielle's room, she could easily distinguish the sound of a rather hefty nightmare. All her instincts as well as her heart screamed to her to go in there, to soothe her pain, and take her in her arms. But she didn't, she meekly returned to her own bedroom, sure once again to be hunted by her own nightly demons.
Candlemarks later she still was on her back and staring aimlessly at the ceiling, half lost in self-deprecating thoughts. The sound of her guards suddenly coming to attention accompanied by soft footfalls in the hallway roused her to full alertness. Soon after the door slowly opened and someone hesitantly found the way to her bed. Xena could feel the mattress shifting under the additional weight, and a small linen clad body snuggling next to her.
"I know you're not sleeping, Xena. No one can come this near without you knowing it. I know it can never be more but I need your touch, as a friend, please."
"I was afraid of sleeping without you, Gabrielle. In case you don't know it by now, I want you to be my friend and I want you to be my lover but I'm ready to keep a rein on my desire as long as it takes to make you feel comfortable. I know you're afraid and given my reputation, you have every reason to be frightened. I promise all we will hopefully ever do together as friends and as lovers, we only will do with your consent. You will lead the way and set the pace." Xena knew she never would be able to say the following face to face so, despite the darkness in the room she closed her eyes and said. "I love you Gabrielle. I had many lovers, or bedmates, in my life but never before was I in love. I can't afford to mess this up. What ever will happen, it has to be your decision."
The smaller woman didn't answer but the next morning, when the first hints of dawn were announcing themselves, Xena found herself still wrapped under her. It took all of her willpower to slowly inch her way out of bed without awakening her companion and to start her day as usual with a sparring session.
After the midday meal, she met with Gabrielle. Before the young woman had a chance at saying anything about the night, she casually tossed her a fighting staff. Gabrielle caught it in mid air and Xena began to test her reflexes.
Surprisingly fast, they settled in a routine: sparring sessions with the army, lunch, Gabrielle's classes, administrative, juridical and council meetings, dinner, some candlemarks of paperwork, and finally a night of blissfully undisturbed sleep. While Xena was sparring or doing her paperwork, Gabrielle spent her time in the library or talking to the staff or some of the soldiers.
END OF FLASHBACK
x x x x x x x x x x
"Are you really sure about this, Cyrene? This country can get pretty dangerous in the course of the next few moons. We were instructed to escort you to a safe harbour."
"You also are bound to obey my orders, Commander." The older woman said in an all too familiar voice, and then there was an unexpected softening in her tone. "I know you're not comfortable with my decision, Palemon, but to me this isn't a question of security. My daughter and I have to talk. After all the big and small things you told me I simply have to know more about her, I have to look in her eyes, I have to make sure. Besides, Xena may be a brilliant strategist but I really doubt she could have anticipated the situation you and your men are forced to face now, Palemon. What are you planning to do with all these civilians pouring in our camp? You can't leave them without protection. A journey to Chin or even to Albion certainly would require the better part of your armed forces. What I want you to do only requires some of your men. I have to see her."
The tall man couldn't help being astonished by her words. They more than made sense, they also were strategically sound. The soldiers certainly could fend for themselves, but the civilians the General had warned them about needed protection. She had told them to expect about two to three scores, but now he had to deal with at least three times more, their number steadily increasing every day. He really hoped that she would get the chance to know how many were loyal to her, not to the government. Following Cyrene's orders he could dispatch the better part of his soldiers to protect the others and lead them to the safe harbour the General had prepared for them, an island with steep cliffs on three sides south-east of Corinth. There were far too many villages and military look-outs on the way to the next harbour to get this many people through undetected. So Cyrene's suggestion, or rather her order was more than tempting.
"You're right, Cyrene, it wouldn't be safe for these people to go without being protected as well as possible. We also may encounter more of the General's faithful on the way. It will take another day to organise our resources but then Theodorus and I will take you to the Amazons."
"Thank you, Palemon."
x x x x x x x x x x
FLASHBACK:
Gabrielle, to the surprise of the civil and the military staff, was more than talented in handling her fighting staff. She grasped the basic movements after one demonstration only and was able to adapt the more advanced moves very quickly adjusting them to her lower fighting angle. Xena was convinced this had to be accounted to the younger woman's heritage, the Conqueror was not ready to disclose to her yet.
x x x x x
The fifth day of this new arrangement, Gabrielle asked. "What you said a couple of days ago, were your really sincere?"
"I was and I am, Gabrielle. What ever will happen it's yours to control. And if there's something you want to know about me, just ask. I would never lie to you. Sleep well."
x x x x x
"You're still sure that it's me who should set the pace, Xena?" Gabrielle asked some days later when they had lunch under the apple tree.
"Yes, I'm sure, Gabrielle. It feels like the right thing to do. In the past when I gained this reputation of mine, when I still lived up to it, sex had nothing to do with love. I used my body to get what I wanted. It was a weapon as dangerous as my sword. I used sex to gain and maintain power, to buy allies and to control potential enemies. More than once, I spent the night with someone I killed the next day. Sex was a means to an end, and when it wasn't, all I cared about was my own satisfaction. I commanded in bed as I did on the battlefield. It was nothing but a physical act, and I didn't care what it meant to them. Some of my bedmates were deeply hurt when I tired of them. I had sex with more men and women than I care to remember, and it was always a question of dominance and control.
"Giving up this control would make me vulnerable and weak, well; that's what I believed then. There was no trust because I didn't have a heart to take part. Now, I have a heart. I'm in love with you, Gabrielle, and I'm not afraid to show you that this makes me vulnerable but it doesn't make me weak. I want you to be comfortable in my company, and that's why I want you to be in control."
As a rule, Xena wasn't a woman of many words but to Gabrielle she said more in one day than to her staff in a whole week. And once again, Xena was surprised by her own words; with Gabrielle, she was completely unable to hide behind her usual mask of cool emotionlessness. It was as if the sea green eyes were able to penetrate all her carefully built defences
"I'd like to kiss you, Xena."
Sitting cross legged on the ground Xena turned her upper body slowly to the right and lowered her head to the small blonde. Gabrielle almost imperceptibly flinched and the Conqueror froze in mid-motion.
"I'm sorry, Gabrielle, it's difficult to set aside old habits. I'll lie down on my back. It should be easier for both of us." Gabrielle smiled this small smile of hers, equal parts gratitude and wonder.
Her face inch by inch came closer, and stopped when she was only a hand's width away. Xena was more than ready to drown in her beautiful eyes.
"Please close your eyes. They are too distracting."
Xena obeyed without even thinking about it. She could feel the warm breath once again coming nearer, lips lingering directly above her own. Relinquishing control was far more difficult than she thought; it took a considerable amount of self-control not to lift up her head in anticipation. Lips touched lips, briefly. Gabrielle's head snapped back, and Xena tried to smile reassuringly. The next touch was longer, despite its lightness sending shivers all trough Xena's body. And when finally a tongue began to repaint the outlines of her lips the tall warrior couldn't help moaning.
Even through closed eyelids, Xena believed she was able to see the smile on the blond woman's face whose tongue quickly demanded entrance in her mouth. At first, there only was a gentle and tentative probing, but when Xena's tongue hesitatingly answered, Gabrielle became more adventurous. Never before a simple kiss had had such an extreme effect on her, Xena literally felt dizzy and soon lost herself in the feeling.
Her fingers clawed in the hard ground below her in an effort to control the reactions of her body that was more than ready to take over. This fight she couldn't afford to loose. The dark haired woman tensed all over while trying to reign in the expression of her raging desire, at the same time reveling in Gabrielle's touch who had begun to run her fingertips up and down her face and neck.
Too soon her lips were left alone and she felt two feather-like kisses on each of her eyelids. Gabrielle's voice was much deeper when she whispered. "Open your eyes for me."
She did and looked directly into sparkling green with a hint of gold flashing through it. Her gaze was fixed to these eyes, unable to even blink, and when soft lips once again found hers, when her tongue gently was sucked into the younger woman's mouth, all she wished for was for the time to stop instantly, to live an eternity in this blissful feeling.
Now it was her turn to explore, and she did, thoroughly and gently, anchoring herself on the still winter hardened soil, her arm muscles straining with the effort to keep her body's demands at bay. To slow her own ragged breathing she broke the kiss and began to nibble on Gabrielle's lower lip, never loosing contact with the mesmerising eyes above her.
The scribe intensified the kiss, their tongues mercilessly teasing each other. Xena could sense Gabrielle's body as tense as her own, and she was quiet sure it wasn't from fear.
Gabrielle withdrew, jumped to her feet, and whispered a barely audible "Thank you." She bolted away never hearing Xena's , "You're welcome," nor seeing the shadow of a blush colouring the warrior's cheeks.
x x x x x
When they met about half a candlemark later at the training grounds, neither woman talked about the kiss, nor did they during dinner. But Xena who prided herself in her ability to shut out unwanted thoughts in order to concentrate on the task at hand couldn't take her mind off the incredible experience and also couldn't hinder her body tingling from head to toe at the memory alone.
It was way in the middle of the night when Xena finally gave up pretending to do her paperwork and entered the bedroom. Gabrielle already was asleep but immediately snuggled closer when the mattress shifted under the older woman's weight. Xena savoured her scent, the smile on her face and the way the moonlight was playing with her hair. What she felt now wasn't desire or arousal, it was contentment, even happiness, a feeling as unfamiliar to her as anything.
The next morning before preparing for her sparring session Xena placed a feather-like kiss on Gabrielle's lips and was rewarded with an adoring look of two very green and still very sleepy eyes.
"Xena, kiss me!"
"You're sure?"
"Kiss me!"
Xena lowered her head and gently kissed the younger woman on the forehead, which made her grunt in disappointment. She descended to the right temple, down the jaw line to the neck, from the collarbone to the middle of the throat and kissed her way up to the chin. When her lips finally met Gabrielle's both breathing rhythms definitively were accelerated. Slightly parted lips enticingly invited her in but before she answered the challenge, she made sure Gabrielle really was sure about this by demanding permission with her eyes. She slowly continued yesterday's exploration and was surprised to find strong arms circling her waist and pulling her closer.
Her kiss became more demanding, and Gabrielle's tongue answered with growing enthusiasm while two sets of fingers were travelling up and down her back. The warrior balanced the weight of her upper body solely on her left arm thus freeing her right hand to find Gabrielle's breasts. The young woman's body suddenly tensed, and Xena stopped her movements as well as the kiss. She looked up into tear filled eyes.
"I'm sorry, Gabrielle, I got carried away."
"Don't be sorry, Xena. It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm so messed up; I can't even stand a simple touch." Gabrielle said, turning her head away in shame.
"Please, look at me, Gab. It's not your fault, not at all. Being touched revives many hurtful memories. You didn't have a say in what the slavers and your former masters did to you and made you do. By touching you without your consent, I once again took away your freedom. Please forgive me. I love you, and I don't want to hurt you. Would you give me another chance after dinner?" The young woman only nodded and Xena left the room.
x x x x x
This day they didn't come together for lunch. Xena preferred to continue the sparring session with the newly recruited soldiers, Gabrielle chatted away the midday meal with the kitchen staff. Gabrielle's self-defence lesson was cut short by urgent messages arriving for the Conqueror, and both women were grateful for the interruption because neither could help to worry about their after dinner date. There was a council meeting in the afternoon Xena paid absolutely no attention to, and she was forced to have dinner with some local military governors. The whole time her mind was miles away and feeling Gabrielle's presence at the end of the table didn't help either.
After dinner, Xena entered her study to catch up on some paperwork, she found a note on her desk.
Xena!
Come to the bedroom, now!
G.
A reflex developed in fifteen years of fighting on her own, fifteen years of telling others what to do and when to do it, told Xena to go and teach this girl whose head didn't even reach her shoulder who really was in charge. But when she was more than halfway through the door, she suddenly retreated and sat down behind her desk. She stared down at the small piece of parchment, this morning's incident replaying in her mind. When she finally got to her feet, she still wasn't sure if she really would be able to pull this through but she was more than convinced that she at least had to try, for Gabrielle's sake as well as for her own.
x x x x x
There were candles scattered all around the big bed, leaving the corners of the room where usually four torches were burning completely in darkness. The sound of a person's breathing told her that Gabrielle was sitting in the big chair near the entrance to the library.
"I'd like to see you naked, Xena. Please come to the other side of the bed." Gabrielle's voice was soft and inviting, and contrary to her trepidation, Xena didn't find it hard to obey.
Xena moved slowly, first removing the pin that held her long hair in a tight bun. Next, her ebony handled dagger was placed on a small table sitting between the two windows. She opened the carefully knotted dark red silk cloth around her waist and slowly undid the threefold wrapping, negligently tossing the scarf on the bed. Her wide black pants instantly dropped to the floor leaving her naked up to the hips. She stepped forwards to get free of them completely. From the hips upwards, her long torso was clad in a closely fitting top made of white dyed deerskin. Brass buckles on each side strapped it to the body and she slightly turned to the right when she opened the second set to show off what she was doing. Pulling the smooth material over her head it fell next to her trousers.
Three long heartbeats she stood motionless, fully aware of the eyes wandering up and down and exploring her body. Xena completed her half-turn, bent down and unlaced her boots. Her keen hearing picked up Gabrielle's slightly quickened breathing, so she took her time before stretching to her full height and once again facing the still seated woman.
She attempted to take another step forwards. "Stop, don't move."
Xena froze, utterly unable not to do what the quiet voice requested. The hands at both sides she stood still, trying not to think of the reaction of anyone accidentally coming in there right now. The thought persisted, and a heavy blush began to colour her cheeks. She held her position but couldn't help her own breathing getting faster. She unconsciously closed her eyes and heard bare feet touching the hardwood floor. She could smell the blond woman and feel her breath on her own chest.
"Xena, I want you to undress me."
The tall woman's eyes flew wide open at the request and were met by dark green ones. She held the gaze for a heartbeat, suddenly knowing that she probably never again would be able to deny them anything.
Gabrielle wore an oversized tunic Xena recognised as her own and a simple leather belt. Both were quickly discarded. Caring for her in the village and during the journey to Corinth the Conqueror had seen all there was of the younger woman's body but still the sight she was now confronted with took her breath away. She dropped to her knees, the thought of possible intruders forgotten, inching down the thin breeches and helping her to step out of them.
Sitting on her heels, she savoured every inch of Gabrielle's body from the ankles upwards. Her eyes rimmed to the soft blond curls in front of her she couldn't help the heat concentrating between her thighs. She longed to kiss what now was so close, her head already moving towards her goal when she was once again stopped in mid-motion.
"Don't, Xena, please." Her head jerked back and her eyes dropped to the ground almost automatically. Time stood still while a part of her mind refused to understand her actions. Never before had she felt compelled to do another person's bidding. Everyone who ever tried to command her quickly ended regretting it, her eyes alone could dominate whole armies, and now she seemed to react to this soft voice without conscious thought.
Xena felt lips on the top of her head, and when the voice commanded her to "stand up", she did without raising her eyes from the ground.
"Don't move." She could feel Gabrielle's gaze almost like a touch on her skin. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard the young woman slowly moving around. Close enough to feel her breath but too far away to touch.
"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
"I'm but an old warrior with too many scars on body and soul. It's you who really is beautiful, your perfect form and smooth skin mirroring the pureness of your soul. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, Gabrielle."
"You don't have to lie to make me feel more comfortable."
"Please look at me, Gab." When the smaller woman was standing in front of her Xena said. "I don't tell lies, I never did and I never will. Sometimes I don't tell the whole story but I don't lie. Today there would have been more to say. I wanted to tell you how much I love to see the play of your muscles when you're handling your staff, the glinting in your eyes when you were able to execute a new move to perfection and the slight colouring of your cheeks. I wanted to tell you how wonderful your hair looks with the sun highlighting the few red strands and how mesmerising it appears in candle light. I wanted to tell you how I long to shower every inch of your body with my kisses, how I long to caress your breasts and gently suck your nipples and how I wish to drown in your gorgeous eyes. But I didn't tell you for fear to put pressure on you. This has to be your decision."
Xena fell silent, her eyes still locked with Gabrielle's. She tried to keep her breathing even, not wanting to show too much of her desire. Countless heartbeats later, a cool breeze made the curtains flap and brought both of them back to reality.
x x x x x
"Please kiss me but I don't want to be touched."
Gabrielle positioned herself in the middle of the bed. Xena followed suit and knelt next to her soft body. She could feel the tension radiating from the younger woman and knew that she had to be very, very careful. Lying on her back the young woman was totally at her mercy, helpless and vulnerable. The situation probably brought back cart loads of bad memories. It took a lot of courage to do this but most of all it was a sign of trust, and Xena never ever wanted to betray this trust.
She slowly bent down, placing a tender kiss on Gabrielle's forehead, kissing her way down to the left temple, along the jaw line to the collarbone, sliding slowly to the middle of the throat and ascending to the mouth. The smaller woman's lips were slightly parted but Xena took her time gently sucking the lower and upper lip before accepting the invitation. The tips of their tongues began a slow and gentle dance, gradually becoming more sensual.
None of Xena's former experiences prepared her for what she was feeling now. Yes, there was lust; she could feel the heat throbbing between her thighs but it was lacking the urgency she usually felt. Her senses were concentrated on the body beneath her. Her own needs were fading almost into non-existence in comparison to the bone deep necessity to please her companion.
When their lips reluctantly parted for need of air, their breathing had become heavy and fast. Xena slipped from her kneeling position to lie on her right side, facing the younger woman. Her lips softly nibbled Gabrielle's ear, retracing its outlines with the tip of her tongue and sucking at the earlobe. She began to whisper.
"Do you know how smooth your skin is, Gabrielle? Feeling it touching my lips is intoxicating. Kissing you takes my breath away. I want to feel your touch on my skin. I want to hold you in my arms, chase all your fears away. I want you to enjoy being with me, I want to bring you pleasure like nobody else before did. But now, just lying here beside you, smelling the lavender oil you put into your bath and still being able to sense your own sweet scent makes me happier than I've ever been. Just being near you gives me joy, please don't leave me."
The smaller woman rolled to face Xena and began another passionate kiss, slowly increasing the pressure on the other's body thus pushing Xena on her back. When she broke the kiss, she was answered with a groan of disappointment.
"Please place your hands behind your head. There's something I want to try."
Xena did as she was told without hesitating for even a fraction of a heartbeat. She swallowed hard when the scribe began to imitate her earlier actions by kissing her forehead, and her heartbeat really picked up when Gabrielle finally arriving at the middle of her throat didn't search her mouth but continued south to her breasts.
Her already hard nipples tightened further, her back involuntarily arched closer to the mouth while Gabrielle continued her journey to the tip of Xena's left breast. Tremors run through her whole body when she felt teeth grazing her hardened flesh. A tongue was slowly flicking while a soft hand was kneading the other side. Xena's pectoral muscles flexed in response and she didn't mind moaning Gabrielle's name. She could feel the green eyes studying her reactions but was way beyond caring.
With the young woman's mouth now firmly planted on her right breast while her hand was kneading the left she felt at home. For the first time in her adult life, she really felt safe. Until then she found her pleasure in controlling the release of her mates but now she joyfully surrendered. Gabrielle's movements became faster, her grip firmer, and Xena's body unconsciously answered. Suddenly all movement stopped.
x x x x x
Xena lifted her head; Gabrielle was kneeling beside her, tears pouring down her cheeks. She sat up completely, all her high-pitched desire was gone, and began to kiss the tears away, careful not to touch her but with her lips. The salty drops continued to flow in eerie silence.
"Gabrielle, please let me hold you in my arms."
As only answer a body came nearer, a face was hidden at her chest. She cradled the smaller body almost as one would do with a child and rocked both of them slowly to and thro'. Xena could literally feel her anguish and she knew words never would be able to soothe her. So she began to hum an old lullaby her mother used to put her and her brothers to sleep when they were ill. She even remembered the words and felt Gabrielle's body gradually relaxing. She repeated the song twice. The tears finally subsided and Xena placed a tender kiss on Gabrielle's soft hair.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome, anytime, Gab. I'll hold you whenever you think you need it and as long as you like me to. You're safe with me. Perhaps it would be better if we tried to get some sleep now."
"I'm so afraid; please keep on holding me, Xena."
And so she did. They sat together for a long time. The tall warrior gently rocked the blond woman, now and then placing a kiss on top of her head. Humming another lullaby, she soothingly ran the fingers of her left hand up and down Gabrielle's right arm. She feared Gabrielle would once again and irrevocably hide inside herself if they didn't talk about it now; still she dreaded what the possible outcome could mean to both of them. So her question was fuelled with equal parts of determination and fear.
"What are you afraid of, Gabrielle?"
There was no answer, at least not immediately. At first the younger woman's body tensed, then she snuggled closer to Xena's chest as if hiding in her strong arms. When she finally spoke, it took all of Xena's exceptionally sharp hearing to make out her words.
"I want to touch you, I want to feel your reaction to my touch, and I want you to touch me, Xena. No one ever asked me what I wanted to do, not even my younger sister. No one ever did what I liked to do. It was always me who had to obey. You're the first person in the world who ever paid attention to me. I'm safe in your arms, and when you smile, it is as if the sun rises for the second time a day. My heart longs to be taught what it means to be loved and to love in return but my body betrays my heart. My body perceives your touch as a threat and it perceives touching you as a threat. It paralyses me. It scares me."
When Gabrielle fell silent Xena wanted desperately to push her further, she wanted to ask questions able to help the younger woman to understand what exactly was happening. She didn't, instead she reassuringly pulled her body closer still and let her take her time.
"The last slaver was an exception. He beat me harder than any other ever did. Most of the masters called me a trouble maker, and I was punished often." She continued hesitatingly. "But they also took great care not to damage their property permanently. I usually knew in advance when I was due to a punishment, the anticipation was sort of part of it. I feared the pain and the humiliation it would bring, and my body reacted as it did today. My body became tense, my breathing faster, my nipples erect, and there was a strange wetness between my thighs. It always went away after the punishment. Perhaps you should do what the others did. Perhaps it goes away when I'm whipped or caned."
Xena's face in rapid transition was a study in anger, sadness, and fierce protectiveness. But she knew she now couldn't give in to these familiar feelings, she had to try and heal the younger woman instead.
"Gabrielle, my love, please tell me how my body reacted when you kissed me."
Silence.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Please, Gabrielle, just try it. Close your eyes and recall what my body did. Describe it, my love. What did you feel when your fingertips travelled down my right side to my breast?"
Silence, and a low sigh.
"The muscles under your skin were hard to the touch. You were tense as if you were ready to explode in action the very next moment."
"What about my breathing?"
"It was faster and not as deep as it usually is, as if you were doing something very exhausting." Gabrielle stopped talking, and Xena once again had a hard time not to rush her in any way. "You also were wet between your thighs. – Your body reacted as mine did, but you couldn't have been afraid. You're strong and independent. No one could ever harm you, and so I'm sure you weren't afraid."
"You're wrong, my love. There are a lot of things I'm afraid of. My body may be stronger and faster than most other people's but I can be hurt emotionally as easy as anybody else. I just try and don't show it. But you are right also. My body didn't react to fear.
"I know it may be difficult to believe but please trust me in there. The human body only has a very limited amount of ways to communicate, especially when dealing with strong emotions like fear or hate or love or desire. What you saw was desire, sexual arousal. At first sight, it looks the same but if one takes a closer look there are subtle differences. The first difference is the scent, fear and arousal smell totally different, and the second is in the eyes. Two days ago, when we were kissing under the apple tree, there was a moment when you looked into my eyes. Try to compare it to the way my eyes are looking during a council meeting or something. The signs are there, you just have to learn how to read them properly."
Silence.
"The pupils were larger than usual, I think," Gabrielle said, "almost begging me to come closer. The blue all around was much darker and it was sparkling like the water of a mountain lake in sunshine. Inciting me to drown in their depths."
Silence, once again. Gabrielle began to extricate herself from Xena's protective embrace. When they were sitting face to face, she continued. "I know what desire, lust, pure arousal looks like. It's as if there's a fire burning in the eyes, consuming everything else. Yes, there was a fire in yours also, two days ago as well as this evening but it was tempered by tenderness. Your eyes didn't show lust; they showed love. I didn't believe you when you said you loved me, now I do."
"I love you, Gabrielle."
"Please make love to me. Show me how to make love to you. I never learned how to satisfy a woman."
"There's nothing to learn, my love, just follow your heart." It was Xena's time to fall silent, reaching a conclusion she continued. "If you are really sure about this, I first will tell you what I intend to do:
"I will kiss your forehead and your eyes, my mouth will slowly taste your sweet lips, my tongue will dance around yours. I will place small kisses following the jaw line to one of your ears, and I will thoroughly clean it and nibble your earlobe. I'll kiss my way down to your shoulder and further down to your fingers, my lips barely touching your fingertips. I will press my cheek in the palm of your hand and gently suck your thumb. Your hand will guide my head back to your lips. Countless heartbeats later, my tongue will whisper in your other ear. I'll find my way to the other shoulder and arm. This time I will kiss my way upwards on the inside of the arm where the skin is even smoother and more sensitive. Three quarters back up I will stop, raise my head and ask your permission to kiss your breasts. You will order me to do so and I will obey.
"The kisses will be very light at the beginning, my lips slightly touching the soft flesh. My lips teasing them slowly, I will feel my own nipples getting harder than they already were. I will feel my clitoris throbbing and wetness pouring steadily out of my centre. My laboured breathing will match yours, and when I can't stand it any longer, I will suck your nipples one after the other like a newly born child does her mother's. They will get harder to the point of hurting. I will continue to shower your beautiful hillocks with kisses for a long time. My mouth will continue southwards but before relinquishing your breasts my eyes will beg for my hands to touch them while I kiss my way to the soft blond curls between your thighs. You will nod. I'll soon sit between your wide spread legs.
"My hands will knead your breasts in a slow, gentle rhythm. I will kiss your pubic hair, intoxicated by the scent of your arousal, the scent that is yours and yours alone, sweet with a hint of saltiness and musk, flowing freely but never enough to completely quench my thirst. I will once again look into your eyes, just to make sure. My tongue will begin to explore the folds of your nether lips and I will eagerly lap the spicy fluids. I will feel your muscles tense even further, your hips arching from the mattress. My tongue will circle around your clitoris that's pulsating with need. The moment the tip of my tongue begins to flick the swollen bud, we both will come. Our interior muscles will relax and then suddenly constrict, once, twice, with every slow stroke of my tongue. And when our bodies finally go limp, I will take you in my arms and hold you tight, and it will be the first time in my life that I didn't have sex but made love."
Gabrielle's eyes were locked with Xena's, and both were sparkling with desire. The younger woman's voice was hoarse and barely above a whisper when she finally could muster the strength to speak.
"Please make love to me, Xena."
There were surprisingly few awkward moments and as the night drew on the Conqueror found it more and more easy to put Gabrielle's pleasure first. They fell asleep just before dawn, and it took all of Xena's self-control not to cancel the sparring session to stay in bed with her for the rest of the day to more thoroughly explore her new lover's body. From now on during daytime, there always was a hint of joyful anticipation in the air whenever the two women were together. In the nights, Xena continued to serve the younger woman, reading the language of her body and the messages of her eyes, slowly coaching her beyond her fears – and then more than two quarter moons later there was the night when Gabrielle reciprocated for the first time.
END OF FLASHBACK
x x x x x x x x x x
To be continued in Chapter Three: Night Watch