Thanks so much to Training to be a fangirl for your review!
This chapter covers up until the train ride home, including Sirius confronting Remus about the incident. Hope you enjoy!
Sirius trailed back to the dormitory in silence. He finally had 3 friends, people who didn't hate him because he was a Black, or because he was a blood-traitor, or some other reason, and he still managed to fuck that up. He didn't pass anyone in the corridors, thankfully. He didn't think he could face conversation right now. He was suddenly so exhausted, and he felt like he would break any minute.
When he reached the portrait of the fat lady, he stopped, staring blankly at her. He didn't think he could face James tonight. He wasn't sure if he could ever face him again. Shaking his head, he half-turned away, resolving to sleep in an empty classroom.
Running away again, you coward?
Sirius shook his head, trying to get rid of the voice in his mind.
You're a Gryffindor, act like it.
He sighed and turned back to the fat lady, who was staring at him with a questioning look. "Audacia," he mumbled, clambering through as it swung open. The common room was deserted, thankfully, as he made his way up to the 5th year boys' dormitory.
"What the FUCK is wrong with you, Sirius? Do you have any idea what you've DONE?" James yelled as soon as he walked in. He flinched at the loud noise and looked down at the floorboards. There was a pause.
"WELL?"
"I-"
"LOOK AT ME." James yelled, and Sirius flinched again, remembering his father saying those exact words. He looked up slowly into James' furious glare.
"Prongs-"
"No. You don't get to call me Prongs any more, Sirius. You're not our friend any more, and you never will be again. That was too far."
"Pr- James, I'm really sorry," Sirius almost whispered. "I didn't think-"
"You're right, you didn't think. You didn't think twice about giving away Moony's hiding place, using him as some kind of sick weapon against Snivellus." James said, stopping before lowering his voice. "You're just like your family." James spat angrily, shaking his head. It briefly crossed his mind that he might regret saying that later, but for now he didn't care. He was pissed right off.
Sirius' eyes widened, and James could see the self hatred start to wash over as the light in them dimmed. Usually, James would do anything and everything to cheer Sirius up when that happened, but not today. Not now.
"I'm going to bed." James said, sighing, his anger draining. "C'mon, Peter."
Peter, who had been watching the argument avidly, felt overjoyed at James saying his name. Maybe now he really WOULD be James' best friend. He couldn't help feeling a little bad for Sirius, but hey, he deserved it.
Sirius stood, staring blankly, until James and Peter had gotten into bed and drawn their curtains. Then he changed and climbed into bed himself, and buried his face in his pillow, contemplating everything that had happened.
Blacks don't cry, his mothers sharp words echoed in his head. But he couldn't help it. He stayed like that, silently letting his pillow soak up his tears, until he fell into a troubled sleep.
He woke up at 6am with a yell. He usually had nightmares, but not always this bad. And usually James came running over to see if he was alright, but not today. Not ever again, Sirius reminded himself, as he waited for his heart to slow down, shaking and running his hands through his hair.
Sunlight was just beginning to peek through the hangings of his bed, so he decided he might as well just get up, even though his head ached with tiredness. Wiping his eyes, he got changed into yesterdays robes and didn't even bother brushing his hair as he left the dorm and headed straight for the hospital wing, grabbing a bar of Honeydukes Chocolate as he passed his trunk.
Remus was asleep, of course, the night before would've taken its toll on him. Suprisingly, he wasn't as injured as Sirius imagined, but he was still covered in scratches and had a sore looking gash on his arm. That's going to scar, Sirius thought. That's going to scar and it's all my stupid fault.
Quietly, he approached Remus' bed, dropping the Honeydukes on to the bedside table.
"Moony," he whispered. The sandy haired boy didn't wake. "Remus, wake up," he said a little louder.
The tall lycanthrope began to stir, opening one eye. "Padfoot? What are you doing here so early? Let me sleep."
"Rem, please, just stay awake, I uh- I have to tell you something,"
Remus' eyes shot open, panic setting in.
"Oh Merlin, who did I bite? Who did I kill? Did-"
"No, no, it's nothing like that, nobody is hurt, everyone is fine," Sirius said quickly, cursing himself for making Remus panic like that. Remus relaxed a bit, panic slowly draining from his features.
"What happened? Where are James and Peter?" He asked, more calmly.
"Well..." Sirius began, and reluctantly told Remus almost the same explanation he'd given Dumbledore late last night.
He watched as Remus' jaw set. The worry he had shown earlier was gone, replaced with an unreadable expression.
"What exactly did you say to Snape?" He asked in a cold tone.
"I can't remember, I just, he said he'd been following us around, and I think I told him where the knot was, it was- it was kind of a moment of anger. Dumbledore made sure he won't tell anyone, though."
"Sirius," Remus began, and Sirius' heart broke at his weary tone that always made him sound so much older than 16.
"I'm so sorry, M- Remus, I really, really didn't mean to hurt you! I didn't even mean to hurt Snape! It was just a moment of absolute stupidity and I don't expect you to forgive me," Sirius said, wrapping his arms around his stomach as if to protect himself from something. "Just- please know that I'm really sorry, Remus, and I swear, I would never, ever do anything like that ever again,"
Remus shook his head slowly.
"Go to class, Sirius."
"Bu-"
"I just need some time to think."
Sirius nodded slowly and backed away, leaving the hospital wing with his shoulders hunched. As Remus lay back down ready to go to sleep, he noticed the bar of Honeydukes next to his bed.
"Merlin, Sirius," he said, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. "What on Earth have you done."
Three days passed and none of the Marauders talked to Sirius. He sat behind them in class, avoiding their gazes and drawing more and more into himself every time he saw them laughing together or planning a prank.
Every now and then, Remus or James would glance at Sirius worriedly, but Peter was quite content. Although it turned out Remus and James became the new best friends in the group, Peter felt much more included. There was less prank pulling, which meant less detention, and he didn't admit it, but it felt kind of nice seeing Sirius so depressed. It'll get him off his high horse, Peter thought.
Sirius skipped lunch and dinner, hating eating alone, watching them all eat together, avoiding the confused glances of his classmates as they asked each other what he was doing alone. For breakfast, he went down early, sometimes before the tables were even laid, and quickly ate a piece of toast or a bowl of cereal before retreating to an empty classroom to smoke a cigarette or five and brood. Every time he saw a sleek black owl with a letter in its claws, he panicked, anticipating one of his mother's howlers. When none came, he wondered if Dumbledore had simply not written to his parents, or perhaps (and he tried not to think about this) if she was simply biding her time and waiting until he came home.
All 4 boys were currently in their dormitory on Saturday morning, for the first time since the Incident, not counting when they were asleep. James, Peter, and Remus were packing, but nobody was talking. Sirius sat cross-legged on his bed, staring at his half-empty trunk, desperately not wanting to go home. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw James staring at him, but he avoided his gaze, not wanting James to yell at him again. Sighing, he closed his trunk, deciding to just leave most of his clothes here. He had some clothes at home and besides, he figured he would just be stuffed in dress robes for the entirety of his holiday. He wished he didn't have to go back to Grimmauld Place. He would trade anything to just stay at Hogwarts, even if his friends hated him, even if he was all alone. Anything was better than being back there.
James was worried. Not because he had lost his watch and his mum would not be happy. Not because his trunk was probably too heavy to lift onto the train. Not because Lily had rejected him for the 328th time this year. No, he was worried because of his ex-best friend.
Sirius was staring at his trunk dejectedly. James knew he hated going home, but he didn't really know the full story. From what he gathered of little snippets Sirius would tell him sometimes, the Blacks were not nice people. Their heads, settled permanently up their own asses, were full of Pureblood ideals and social hierarchy, the stuff they tried to cram down their son's throats when they were younger, and still tried to now.
He also gathered that they didn't treat Sirius very well. He already knew from her howlers that she called Sirius some awful things, and as much as Sirius laughed it off and pretended he didn't care, he did. James knew it got to him, dented his already low self-confidence, which he tried to mask over with false arrogance. His fake smile was stretched to breaking point and his laugh was a little too high, a little too manic.
He wouldn't sleep those nights.
He wondered if something else went on, too. After Christmas break, Easter break, and especially Summer break, Sirius would be jumpy for a few days. He would flinch if a hand was raised within 3 feet of him, and the nightmares he had were so fierce, sometimes he would sneak up coffee from the kitchens just so that he didn't have to sleep.
He was about to say something to Sirius, when he closed his trunk with a sigh and went into the bathroom. James closed his mouth, not knowing what he was going to say anyway. He was still angry with him about the Incident, knowing how hurt Remus was by it. He shook his head and continued packing until his trunk would only just shut, looking forward to going home despite it all.
Thanks for reading! The next chapter covers Sirius going home, and deciding to run away. I'll try to upload it today or tomorrow, because I've already started writing it. That's why this chapter wasn't quite a long as the first one, I wanted to separate these into different chapters.