Chapter 2
The Hummel/Hudson home was filled with the sound of the fifty or more people who had gathered after Finn's service.
There were family members who had come in from out of town. There were friends, classmates, parents, and teachers from William McKinley High School and The University of Lima, along with neighbors and a few others Rachel wasn't sure of.
All the members of the Glee Club, old and new, managed to find each other. They needed to be with familiar company right now—it was the only thing that felt somewhat right.
Puck—it was the first time she had seen him since they'd graduated and she'd moved to New York—walked over toward the group after grabbing a beer from one of the coolers. His left hand was shoved inside his black sweatshirt pocket—he had been the only one who hadn't come dressed in appropriate funeral attire; figures—wearing a look that simply echoed how lost they were all feeling.
"Noah," Rachel managed to croak out as she stood from where she was seated next to Kurt on the couch. She walked over to him, pulling him into a tight embrace. He just stood there, not hugging her back, staring blankly ahead.
When she finally loosened her grip on him, she noticed that he had dark circles under his eyes. She imagined that her eyes probably looked very similar. The combination of lack of sleep and amount of sobbing she had been doing over the past few days was taking its toll.
She stuffed her hand inside of his sweatshirt pocket, lacing their fingers together.
He looked at her then. It was like the trance that he had been in had finally broken. "Rachel," he breathed.
"Yeah," she sniffled back, squeezing his hand in reassurance. "It's me."
Pulling their hands out together, she dragged him over to sit on the couch with her and the other members of The New Directions.
They all sat in silence for a long time, no one sure of what to say.
"How are we supposed to handle this?" It was Sam who spoke out first.
Just then Will Schuester and Emma Pillsbury walked up to the group. They were standing close together, but not holding hands, Rachel noticed, as she and the others looked up toward them.
Their Glee Coach cleared his throat. "May we join you?" he asked.
No one really spoke too loudly, but they all agreed with a series of head nods and groans.
"This is so ridiculous," Santana spoke up in her bitchy, know-it-all tone. "It's not fair—none of us are even twenty—we shouldn't have to be dealing with this shit yet."
He was supposed to be their teacher, but all he could do was look at her. Anything he said in response wouldn't be what they needed to hear. She was right after all. They shouldn't have to burying one of their own—it was far too soon for that—especially one as talented and full of life as Finn had been.
"I think we should go around the circle here," the young Guidance Councilor said as happily as she could, but her tone was uneven since all she wanted to do was cry. "We should come up with the things we all loved about Finn. It may help us to feel better."
"No offense Ms. Pillsbury, but how will reminding us of who we lost make us feel any better?" Mercedes Jones chimed in.
Ms. Pillsbury bit her lip, looking down at her hands. "You're hurting, Mercedes. You all are." She looked back up, making eye contact with them. "Remembering the good times will help you with closure; you'll see—I'll go first." After a moment's pause, she cleared her throat. "Finn had an exceptional heart. He always wanted to do right by people." She sniffled then, her voice catching in her throat as a tear broke free and rolled down her cheek.
"He saw the best in everyone," Joe Hart stated simply. "I mean, I didn't know him all that well, but I could tell that he didn't judge people."
Santana knew from experience that not judging people was one of his greatest gifts. She knew that he was the one who made her feel okay about being different. "He was a leader," she said through her tears, "never a follower. And he was the only one who wasn't afraid to stand up to me and tell me how it was. As much as I hate to say it, I needed that."
"Yeah," Brittany S. Pierce added. "He always made me feel good about myself. Even when he called me an idiot one time, he apologized right away and made it right. Plus, he liked my drawings."
Everyone smiled a little at that, knowing about the blonde's crayon masterpieces.
"At least, he always said he did," she finished with an afterthought. Santana put a comforting hand on her ex-girlfriend's thigh.
"Finn was an amazing friend and teacher," Marley said. "I didn't know him for long at all, but I learned a lot from him. We all did."
Kurt looked around the circle and sat up a little straighter, feeling somewhat enlightened at the new additions to the group. Their gentle smiles lifted his spirits slightly. "Growing up, I had always wanted a sibling. When my dad and Carole told me and Finn that they were getting married, Finn wasn't exactly thrilled. But then," he paused, a tear falling from his eye. "Then he—he danced with me at their wedding and made me feel the most accepted that I have ever felt in my entire life. He really was the best brother one could ever ask for."
"He really was a terrible dancer though," Tina Cohen-Chang tried to joke through her obvious pain and broken sobs.
Mike agreed, "So bad."
Rachel felt the reality sinking in around her all over again; almost as if she was re-living the news. The walls were getting too close and she needed to escape.
"I—I'm sorry," she choked out as she stood. "I have to go." She bolted out of the room, running up the staircase as quickly as her legs would carry her.
"This is good guys," their teacher stated softly. "Keep it up; I'll go talk to her." They all nodded their heads, everyone in agreement.
"Finn was my first boyfriend," he heard Quinn start as he walked up the stairs to find the brokenhearted NYADA student. He was relieved that Rachel had left the room when she did. Will knew that that specific memory would have been a very difficult one to swallow.
He leaned his forehead against the only door of the upstairs that was closed. He knocked gently, "Rachel?" he asked the dark room, as he entered carefully.
"Please go away, Mr. Schuester. I really just want to be alone right now."
She was facedown on the bed that sat in the middle of the room, crying into a blue cased pillow.
His shoulders slumped and his heart ached at the sight of his graduated student, silently sobbing over her ex-boyfriend's untimely death. He felt like he was going to be sick. He was being so selfish. The only thing that was going through Will's head was the way he had left things with him. True, he had said that they could put the kiss that he and Emma had shared behind them, but he hadn't actually done that. He still held it against him—even in his death—he was so ashamed. Will and Finn had somehow become brothers in their time together throughout his years at McKinley and even the year after graduation.
He licked his lips, not knowing what he could say to console her. "Well, I'll be downstairs if you need—"
"How am I supposed to go on without him?"
Her question had been more rhetorical, he knew, but she was grieving, she needed someone. She needed Finn, he admitted to himself. The tears in his eyes were not as free flowing as hers, but were still present.
"You are the strongest person I know, Rachel. You always have been. You always will be." He shut the door and sat down on the edge of what he could only assume was Finn's bed.
She looked up at the man who was now seated beside her, through the blurry tears that stained her angelic face.
"Finn was my rock, my everything," she sniffled.
He tucked a stray strand of hair that had stuck to her soaked cheek. "You are your own rock Rachel," he said looking into her red eyes. He pulled himself up so that his legs were on the bed too, drawing himself nearer to her. "You will see; everything will be all right. I promise."
She flung herself into his embrace, sobbing silently into his strong arms. She hadn't realized just how much she actually needed him. The two of them stayed that way for a long while. He cried with her, speaking now and again a few words of comfort into her hair until they both fell asleep.
XXX
Emma and Will sat up in bed together, separated, one on either side like there was an invisible divider between the two of them.
"I just—I can't believe he's gone." Will raked a tired hand over his face, looking up at a spot on the ceiling, a single tear falling onto his cheek. "He was so young, Em." He glanced at the woman beside him in bed, anxiously wringing her hands together.
"Em," he said kindly, trying to call to her. She was so far away when she did that. When repeating himself, only louder also didn't work, he put a hand up to hers. "Em—STOP!" he half-shouted.
Their eyes met, pulling her out of her trance-like state. "Oh, Will," she sobbed, throwing herself onto him—more dramatically than even the known diva Rachel Berry had, he noted—her chest heaving. "It's all so senseless!"
"Why are you taking this so hard?" he huffed. Even though he was touched that his fiancé was taking the death of one of his students so seriously, he couldn't help the jealous feeling that began to rise in the pit of his stomach.
"Is it because he kissed you?" the question was out of his mouth before he was able to think twice about it.
Her doe eyes went hollow, pulling slowly away from her future husband. "I can't keep having this same fight with you, Will. Over and over; it seems like it's all we talk about lately—that stupid mistake of a kiss. How long are you going to keep bringing this up?"
Before he could even muster an apology for his dumb question, Emma continued on.
"He's dead, Will—dead—and I am sad. Am I not allowed to grieve like everybody else? You know what? Don't answer that. I am going to go to my place. I think I need my space away from you tonight."
XXX
Rachel awoke much later that evening. She noticed the clock's green glow that sat atop her bedside table; it was nearly midnight. It was the longest she'd slept in a week. It had been Mr. Schue who had been there, who had comforted her enough to sleep. The memory brought a small smile to her face that faded just about as quickly as it surfaced.
When did she get home? How did she get into her bed and into her pajamas, nonetheless?
She pulled her sheets back, removing her phone from its place on the table. She stepped onto the soft rug on the hardwood floors, jumping slightly when she saw the sight of Blaine stirring in his sleep. She then noticed Kurt sound asleep beside him and her heart rate returned to normal—well, what had been normal for her since this awful week began.
Creeping quietly across her room to her bathroom door hook, she put on her bathrobe and made her way down stairs.
She sank into the couch, covering herself with the faux fur blanket and turned her phone on so that she could look at her photos of her and Finn. They had so many special memories together.
Even though he was no longer living, his smile was still as contagious as ever. She couldn't help the butterflies she felt just looking at his face. He would always be her happy place—no matter what happened in her life. Yes, looking at his photos made her sad, but they also managed to somehow lift her spirits. He would always be her sunshine, her drive, her support, her everything. He was her first love and she had been so certain that he was supposed to be her last. She was so positive that he would always be there.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan's I Will Remember You