Broken And Unloved
Chapter 2
Eli's POV:
Ok so I called her a bitch, sue me. I mean I didn't mean to she was just being so hateful and it kind of slipped out. But as soon as I said it I regretted it. She slapped me and let me have it. And ever since she said "because of my past, I'm scared as hell to let people in" I can't help but wonder what she meant by that. So here I was sitting in 4th period advanced English waiting for the bell to ring. I had my phone in my hand and I was staring at Clare's contact. I just sat there debating on whether or not I should text her to tell her I was sorry. I had decided to do it, to try to smooth things over, that is until she walked in the door. I immediately felt like a bigger asshole when I saw her red puffy eyes. I had made her cry and I hated myself for that. Apparently the only seat left open was the one behind me because she walked over to the seat and sat down. She didn't say one word to me, and that made me madder at myself. I don't know why but while Mrs. Dawes was talking about what we were going to be doing this semester, I started hearing sniffles. She couldn't possibly be crying. I had to fight to not turn around and comfort her in any way, but I figured that would just make things worse. Then she started crying, and Mrs. Dawes asked her if she was okay. Clare replied with an out of breath voice saying that she needed some air. And with that she ran out of the class. As soon as she was out the door Mrs. Dawes asked someone in the class to go and check on her. No one was volunteering to go. Seeing as how I was the only person in the class who even remotely knew her, I raised my hand.
Me-"Mrs. Dawes, I would like to go and check on Clare."
I could tell that she was leaning toward having a girl check on her and I could feel her rejection coming.
Me-"Please Mrs. Dawes. I'm the only one in here who knows her. I think she would appreciate you sending me then one of these girls who know nothing about her." and with that I won her over.
Mrs. Dawes-"Ok, you make a valid point."
I got up and was about to walk out the door when Mrs. Dawes called to me.
Mrs. Dawes-"Make sure she's ok. Oh and if she's in the girls bathroom, you have my permission to go in there."
Me-"Ok, I will and thanks."
With that I left and walked down the hall looking for Clare. I honestly had no idea where she would be. I walked the halls looking for her and I was about to give up when I came across the girls bathroom.
Me-"Clare? Are you in there?" No answer, so I asked again. Still no answer. I turned and was about to return to class, when something told me to go in the bathroom. I stood there for a few moments. What the hell. I mean I rather go in there and she not be in there then leave and her be in there. So I proceeded into the girl's bathroom. At first I didn't see or hear anything, but then I saw what looked like Clare's body lying in the handicap stall. I walked over and bent down to wake her and that's when I saw the blood on the floor. The first thought that went through my mind was that she was dead. I had no idea what had happened but I panicked. I laid down on my stomach and crawled under the stall door. I immediately pressed my fingers to her throat. As soon as I felt a pulse and realized that she was alive, I started to calm down. I then sat up and started looking for the source of blood. The blood was pouring out of a cut on her wrist. As soon as I saw the cut I suspected what happened, especially when I pulled her body into my arms and I saw the crimson razor on the floor. I reached up and grabbed some tissue. I applied it to the cut and a few moments later the blood began to stop coming out. I saw her eye lids move and I figured she was coming to.
Me-"Clare, Clare, its ok just open your eyes and look at me." After a few more tries she did what I said.
Clare-"What Happened?"
Me-"I'll explain later, just let me get you out of here. The school bell is about to ring and soon there will be girls in here. Can I take you to my car?"
Clare-"Yeah."
With that I stood up, moved her body to the other side of the stall and grabbed some tissue in order to clean the blood off the floor. It worked within minutes the place was clean. I bent down to where she was sitting with a tissue on her wrist. I grabbed some more and bent back to scoop her up in my arms. I unlatched the lock on to the stall then walked out of the girls bathroom. I walked quickly through the halls, in order to stay away out of any teachers or students sights. I whispered to her, but her responses were mumbled. I figured she was in and out of it, but I knew I had to get her out of there. I carried her out of the school and over to my car. I opened up the back of Morty and laid her in. I climbed in with her and shut the door. As soon as the door was shut I pulled her to me and rested her in my lap. I yanked the tissue out of my pocket and wiped her cut. Luckily it had stopped bleeding; now I just needed to get her back into conciseness.
Me-"Clare, can you hear me? You need to open your eyes okay?"
Her eyelids fluttered open and the only thing I could see was her big blue eyes.
Clare-"Eli? Whe..Where am I?"
Clare's POV:
I kept hearing this voice that sounded like an angels. I couldn't see anything but I felt my body being pulled into what felt like warm arms. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't. I felt someone press something to my cut and it stung. I tried to pull away but I was restrained. A few moments later I was finally able to open my eyes a little bit. I saw nothing but a pair of big green eyes. It wasn't just any pair it was his pair. The boy I had just met and already he hated me. I tried to speak but when I did my words sounded slurred. Even though I couldn't understand what I was saying apparently he did. He replied with warmth in his voice, and I couldn't help but to drift back to sleep by his soothing voice. I knew I was out of it but somehow I still felt awake. It was almost like I was in a dream like state, that didn't feel real. I knew I was being carried but in a way it was like I wasn't. I don't know what that was about. But soon enough I heard what sounded like a car door being opened. My back then came in contact with a comfortable floor, then a car door being closed followed. After a few moments of being moved around and pulled close to someone I began to hear his voice.
Eli-"Clare, can you hear me? You need to open your eyes."
It took me a second but then my eyes fluttered open.
Me-"Eli..whe…..where am I?"
He looked at me with his big green eyes and for the first time he looked like he was baffled. He looked like he didn't know what to say. He stalled for a few moments by looking around and scratching the back of his neck, then he finally answered me.
Eli-"Well, I kind of found you in the bathroom. I cleaned you up and brought you back to my car."
I slowly sat up confused by what he was saying. I was in his car? When did I get in his car? And then I remembered the car door open and close and the faint smell of a husky aroma. I quickly glanced around, but instead of seeing the back of a normal car I saw what was like a confined space. It felt like I was trapped in a hallway covered in carpet. It took me a few moments before I finally spoke.
Me-"Eli, this isn't a car it looks like a hallway?"
Eli-"Um, well see actually this is my car."
Me-"What do you mean? This doesn't look like any car I've ever seen."
Eli-"Well, its kind of a special car."
Me-"A special car? How is it special?"
Eli-" You see it used to have a special job."
I was almost too scared to ask.
Me-"What kind of job?"
Eli-" It used to be kind of like a mobile morgue, but now I call it Morty."
I was at first confused until the pieces clicked together in my head.
Me-"YOU MEAN IT'S A HEARSE?
He looked a little shocked at my sudden outburst. The look on his face went from being shocked to being hurt. I could see how much he cared about his car. I felt horrible when I realized how hurtful my words had sounded. I then realized why he was shocked, my style. Great, now he thought I was some hypercritical emotional girl who was supposed to be all goth and rebellious but was scared of a hearse. Not good. Not only did I just make myself look like a walking contradiction but I had also hurt his feelings. He looked down at the floor of the hearse before I spoke.
Me-"I'm sorry. It's just that I was taken by surprised and I overreacted."
He barely looked up at me before speaking.
Eli-"Well, it's not really your fault. I mean I kind of sprang it on you without telling you about him before I brought you in him."
Me-"No, really it's not your fault. I shouldn't of reacted like that. Don't get me wrong I like..what did you say his name was? Morty?"
He silently shook his head yes.
Me-"Yeah, well I like Morty I was just a little surprised that you would have a hearse."
Eli-"haha, what do I not look like the kind of guy that drives a hearse?"
Me-"No, you do look like a hearse driver." He gave me a teasing look and I realized how bad that sounded.
Me-"No, I didn't mean it like that, I just meant that um that I …"
For a moment I was at a loss for words. I sat there dumbfounded for a few moments before he finished my sentence for me.
Eli-"What you mean to say is that you were just shocked because it is a very unusual car for anyone to drive."
Me-"Yes, that's what I meant." I said while the blush crept up my cheeks.
We sat there for a few moments in silence before I realized that he saw my whole cutting scene back there. Oh shit. This is just great. It wasn't something I wanted to talk about but I knew that we needed to. Maybe if I just pretended that it never happen he will forget. He was looking down at his lap. He look frustrated.
Eli-"I uh I just want you to know that I won't say anything to anyone about your accident." He looked up at me with sincere forest green eyes.
Me-"Oh, well thank you. That means a lot." I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. I looked down feeling ashamed of myself. I bet he thought I was pathetic. I could tell that he was still looking at me and I couldn't take it anymore. I was about to thank him and leave but he took my hands in his which caused me to look at him.
Eli-"You know I understand. And whatever you're going through will get better but you need to stop. One day you could end up really hurting yourself."
I could hear the worry in his voice but I couldn't help but to feel a little offended by his words. I pulled my hands away from his and gave him this hurt look.
Me-"Excuse me? How do you understand? You don't know anything." I went to get out of his car but he stopped me.
Eli-"Yes, I do. More than you think. But whatever's wrong. That is no reason to cut."
Me-"You have no idea what's going on in my life. So don't try to tell me what's right and wrong. " I pulled the handle and pushed the door open.
Eli-"Clare wait." He grabbed my arm.
Me-"Wait? Wait for what? Wait for you to tell me how to live my life? No thanks." I jerked my arm away from him and hoped out of his hearse. I started to walk off in the direction of my house. As soon as I got home I went to my room and slammed the door. I kicked off my converse and lay down on my bed. Uhhhhhh gosh! I hated myself so much. He didn't really do anything wrong. I mean he was just trying to help. But he hit a nerve and I couldn't help but to get defensive. I need to apologize. I will tomorrow. I laid there for a few more moments before all the memories rushed back into my head. Keeping the memories from my head was my goal every day, and I normally reached it but today I couldn't. They found a way in, one memory particularly. I remember it like I was yesterday. Me and my mom had been out shopping. We had the perfect mommy daughter day. Everything was going great until dad came home. I was in my room playing and all of a sudden I began to hear shouting and stuff being thrown. I very carefully opened my bedroom door to see my father slap my mother across her face. I felt tears begin to fall down my face. I walked into the living room. "STOP IT! LEAVE HER ALONE!" They both glanced at me, and my mother spoke. "It's ok honey, just go play." I glanced at my father then back to my mom. She gave me a pleading look so I went back in my room and shut the door. I sat on my bed and heard my father yelling and cussing some more. I got scared so I quickly opened my door and ran down the hall to my play room. I got into the closet and sat there crying. I heard my mother scream no but I didn't know why. Then I heard my father in my room screaming for me. I didn't move. I couldn't. He then came into my play room. It sounded like he was moving stuff. I let out a little whimper and knew exactly what he would do if he found me. Everything got really quiet and then he threw open the closet door. "There you are. Hiding again? We talked about hiding." He then grabbed me by my hair and dragged me out of the closet, down the hall and into the living room. He pulled upward to get me to stand up. I did and then he pushed me forward causing my stomach to bump into the wood part of the couch. I crouched down from the pain, but that didn't stop him. I heard the jingle of his belt buckle and knew what was coming. He ripped off his belt and folded it in half. I looked up to see his arm raised above his head, belt in his hand and then he brought it down. The belt came in contact with my back and it stung with pain. I screamed out in pure agony, begging him to stop. Bargaining, telling him that I would do anything if he would just stop. But he never did. The memory ended and I was left laying on my bed crying myself to sleep.
I awoke to my mother's voice.
Mom-" Clare, Clare. It's time to get up."
My eyes fluttered open to see my mom standing over me shaking me lightly.
Me-"UHHHHHHHH!"
Mom-"Come on get up! I'm not going to tell you again."
She suddenly left the room. Calling back to me.
Mom-"Oh and by the way I'll be home late again tonight, there's money on the table for takeout, bye!"
Me-"Like always. Love you to mom." I whispered. I pulled myself out of my bed and into the shower. I let out a sigh of relief when the warm water hit my face and back. When I was done I jumped out and went in my room to get dressed. I just threw on a pair of my black skinny jeans with a rock band tee shirt that had the sleeves cut off and slits up the sides. I threw a black cardigan over it and slipped on my black converse. I ran into the bathroom to do my normal hair and make -up routine, but I added a little red lipstick to my lips instead of the normal pink gloss. When I looked at my cell phone to see the time, I practically ran down the stairs, and grabbed a cereal bar from the pantry and was out the door. I ate on my way to school. As soon as I walked up to the parking lot I saw his hearse. I knew I should apologize, hell I even walked over to his car. But then I remembered what he said and it made me angrier. He was getting his bag out of the back. He shut the door and then turned and saw me. He stopped in his tracks, and just stood there not saying anything. Just seeing him reminded me how easy it was for him to realize that something wasn't right. It made me feel weak and vulnerable. I couldn't help it. The tears started streaming down my face. I looked down for a moment. I could hear him take a step toward me.
Eli-"Clare-"
I could hear the worry and pain in his voice. I looked up at him to find myself connected with his worry filled eyes. I let out a muffled whimper before I turned and ran toward the school. I ran into the bathroom and stayed there. I totally skipped first period, and didn't care. When I was able to leave the bathroom without crying I continued on with my day. Everything was just a daze. The next two weeks went on like that. We didn't speak; we hardly looked at one another. We just went on with our lives like nothing had happened. And I don't know how to feel about it. I should have been happy that he had finally left me alone, but I wasn't. It tore me up inside to see that he didn't need me in his life like I needed him. He acted like nothing was wrong. And it hurt a lot. Especially at lunch or in between classes when I would see him hanging out with his friends and laughing. I wished that I could laugh with him, be his friend. Hell I'd even take being bullied by him. I know it sounds weird but at least we would have some interaction. But every time I caught myself wanting to be near him I would remind myself that this is what I wanted. I wanted to be left alone. I was getting to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I was so close to going up to him and telling him I was sorry, but all that changed that Monday morning.
Eli's POV:
I felt really bad. I did trust me. I had offended her again. I know I approached the situation wrong but I just couldn't handle the thought of something happening to her. It was unbearable. I should of handled it differently. I remember the morning after. I had just got to school and was in the back of Morty getting my book bag out. I closed the door and turned around to see and puffy eyed Clare standing there staring at me. I felt like such an asshole. She obviously had been crying. I had no idea what she was going to do or say. I was about to apologize when I saw tears run down her face. I felt bad really bad. I took a step toward her, going to comfort her. But I tested the water by saying her name. She just looked up at me, let out a whimper and ran into the school. Great. I was about to go after her when I realized that maybe this was her way of showing how much damage I had done. I then remembered how much she had asked me to just leave her alone. So I decided that if that is what she wanted that's what I would give her. All I wanted was for her to be happy. So over the next 2 weeks I left her alone and went on with my life like nothing had happened. I barley looked at her, trying not to make things awkward for her. It was so hard to do it but I did. I couldn't hurt her any more than I already had. That would hurt worse than not having her in my life at all. Everything was going as suspected until that Monday morning when I came to school and there was a god awful rumor going around. I didn't know how she was going to take this. But when I saw her punch the shit out of Jenna this morning, I figured she was taking it pretty well. I knew I was giving her what she wanted by staying away from her, but when I saw her punch Jenna something just snapped inside of me. I loved the way she didn't care what people said about her. How she wasn't afraid to stand up for herself. When I saw Jenna and her possy whispering and laughing at Clare I thought Clare would just ignore her; considering that she was the type of girl to stray away from attention. But hell no. Clare walked over to them and asked them "What the fuck their problem was". The punch was the last thing I expected when Jenna made some smart ass comment about Clare being a cutter. I then realized that I liked her ALOT and I couldn't stay away from her any longer.