Well it's longer...so at least there's that.
Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting.
It would be simple to blame a world that taught her it was safer not to be who she was.
It would be simpler, but it would not be the truth.
The truth is that a part of Kara died with Krypton.
It remained among the ashes and the embers of her home.
It was the first piece of herself she lost, but it would not be the last.
She would lose other parts of herself: her father's name, her mother's memory, the language of her people, the faith of her god.
Some would be taken from her; some surrendered, others forgotten.
But all were gone.
For a long time, she did not know who she was without these things.
She tried to replace them the best she could.
She learned to be someone else.
She built a world out of the things she had salvaged and the things that she found.
But a part of the girl who lost these things always remained inside of her.
It was the first part of herself she learned to hide, but it would not be the last.
Because to forget what she had already lost felt unimaginable, but to lose it all again would be unbearable.
So she hid the parts of herself she thought this world could never understand, that it could never accept.
She learned to live with her past as one learns to lives with grief — out of self-preservation.
And she thought it would be enough to stay hidden. That it would keep those she loved safe.
But too soon she learned her secrets were not hers alone to keep, that those who kept them with her carried their burdens all the same — burdens they did not ask for, burdens they did not deserve.
And Kara knows what it cost them.
She sees it every day in Alex's eyes.
She feels it every time she thinks of what her sister's life could've have been without her in it.
She thinks of it whenever she thinks of Eliza and Jeremiah and all the pain she could have spared them.
It is a guilt she carries deep inside herself among the things she has lost and the things she has hidden.
And that is the truth.
That is the answer she has given herself— the reason she cannot tell Lena the truth — because Lena already knows what it was to carry the weight of someone else's secrets, of someone else's past, and she did not deserve hers too. Kara could not ask her to bear that burden knowing all that it meant to do so.
So she gave Lena everything else of herself she thought she could.
And for so long it felt like that could be enough.
Kara stares at her boots as she walks through what remains of Lena's lab. None of it is recognizable to her, she has no point of reference for what things are or where they should have been, but she follows Alex nonetheless, sorting the wreckage as she goes, trying to piece together the fragments into something tangible.
In a way, she is trying to do the same with Lena.
It's just the three of them now, and for a moment she stops and looks over her shoulder to catch a glimpse of Lena as she picks up a piece of glass, the hopelessness of their task drawing her shoulders forward in resignation.
She would never have thought it all could have led to this. She would never have thought they could know so little about each other as they do right now.
Alex rests a hand on her shoulder, and Kara loses sight of Lena once more.
"Are you ready."
And she isn't.
She isn't ready to talk to Lena; she isn't ready to accept what has happened to Sam… she isn't ready for any of it.
But she straightens herself to prove otherwise.
"Yes"
Alex nods and runs a shaking hand through her hair, her emotions as raw and unsteady as Kara's own, stuck in the same cycle of guilt and anger.
None of them are ready.
Lena doesn't argue.
She doesn't ask where they're going.
She barely stops to read the papers pushed in front of her before signing where they tell her.
Kara stands back from it all, but never loses sight of her.
She watches as Lena goes through the motions in silence, falling in step behind Alex as she is shuffled from one room to the next.
It makes her realizes how vulnerable Lena is here, how exposed.
And there is a part of Kara that wants to yell at her for how reckless she was and how much danger she put herself in, that wants to hold her and keep her safe from the things to come.
But there is also a part of her that can't help but feel abandoned and betrayed even though she knows has not earned the right to be.
By the time she finds herself face to face with Lena, she is at no less at odds with these conflicts within herself.
The room is quiet, and the heavy tension between them all speaks of the nature of the revelations to come.
Kara looks to J'onn before they start, and she knows the firm look in her eyes will hold him to his promise not to read Lena's mind.
It was the one things she insisted on.
"Please state your name."
Lena's voice is even and reserved.
"Lena Kieran Luthor."
Kara watches as her eyes move about the room, looking everywhere it seems but at her.
"Where should I begin?"
Kara takes a deep breath, her voice hesitating.
"How long has this been going on?"
Lena maintains the steady stillness in her voice.
"Three weeks."
"And what exactly have you been doing with Sam…for weeks?"
Kara regrets the way the words sound as soon as she says them, hates herself even more for the anger that she feels knowing somewhere inside herself that Lena has done nothing to deserve it.
"When I When I first suspected that Sam was more than she knew, I took her to a secret lab in L-Corp, where I conducted a series of tests…With her consent."
Around her, Kara can hear the accusations against Lena building and the anger in her voice rising in return. And she wants it all to stop, she wants to defend Lena like she always has, but she can't. She needs to know what happened…they needed to know what happened.
"What did you discover?"
Her voice is after than before, and Lena looks at briefly at her, her eyes retreating back into a determined blankness.
"I was hoping to isolate the spark that turned Sam into Reign, but I didn't get a chance to finish."
Kara weighs the words...
"Weeks with Reign"
...the improbability of them.
"Do you have any chance of tracking down the Worldkillers?"
"No"
Kara feels herself still torn again between guilt and anger, but there is also fear.
She listens to the others calculate their odds and knows without listening how bad they are.
But she can't accept them.
There has to be a way to stop the World Killers.
There has to be a way to save Sam.
They can't let her hurt anyone else.
They can't let her destroy herself.
And it's with those last thoughts Kara's feels her chest start to tighten.
"How, how did you keep her contained."
She listens as Lena answers and struggles to keep her voice steady.
"Lex kept a vault in the Lab… When I took over L-Corp, I inherited all of its assets, for good or for ill."
Kara looks into Lena's eyes and realizes they're both holding back tears, aware already of what the answer is and what it will mean.
"I used Kryptonite."
And the words hurt in a way she never thought words could, in a way that leaves her numb and
fills her with regret.
Kara had wanted to protect Lena, she had wanted to keep her safe, but she also had wanted to protect herself from the pain of losing her.
She had lied for her own heart as much as Lena's.
But for the first time, she understands the pain of not knowing as much as she feared the pain of loss.
And she doesn't know if Lena could ever forgive her for that kind of pain, she wasn't she doesn't know if would deserve it even if she did.
Yes? No? Keep Going? Quit while I still can? Let me know.