Episode 2: Sweeney Todd
(plus special guests)
And so, Sweeney was freakin' pissed that he hadn't killed the judge yet, as he sat in the corner of Ms. Lovett's shop. He went over to the table to get some food, and he was freakin' pissed that he hadn't gone over to the judge's place and killed him yet instead of going to the table to get some food. If he had a Livejournal, he'd hack into the system to make an icon especially for saying "current mood: freakin' pissed that I haven't killed the judge yet."
There was a knock on the door.
"Don't bother, me pies is awful," said Ms. Lovett.
"PIE IS IRR-EL-E-VANT TO THE MISSION AT HAND. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"
"Bloody 'ell is out there, Mr. T?"
"Daleks," he said. "I had a brief run-in with one while in prison. They don't like my hair."
"Really? Me thinks it lovely, yes."
Then the door blasted open before they could get to any more pointless flirting that would kill the current plot. The three daleks from earlier came in. "IT IS YOU WITH THE AWFUL HAIR," said Dalek-Var.
"How about a shave, Mr. Dalek?" said Sweeney.
"UN-NEC-ESS-AR-Y."
"You'd want to attract other Daleks, wouldn't you? In order to do that, we might have to remove some excess, erm, dot-things."
The Daleks thought for a few seconds.
"ME FIRST!" said one of the two-other Daleks, Dalek-Jat.
"Alright, right up these stairs."
And then, an awkward silence.
"…STAIRS?!"
"TERRACED INCLINES?! THE ENEMY OF ALL DALEKS?!"
"THE BROTHER OF THE DOCTOR HIMSELF?!"
"Oh, lighten up, you're the new-season Daleks. You can fly."
Dalek-Jat did the best "D'oh" facepalm he could with the capabilities of his limbs.
So Dalek-Jat and Sweeney went up for a shave. Up the stairs. Up up up up up up up up up up up up. I said up 12 times there, I think. I'd have to get a headache looking at the computer screen to really determine it.
When they came to the shaving room, who should show up but the enemies of all Daleks other than stairs and the Doctor.
"THE ANIMANIACS! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"
Extermination shots were blasted all over the room as the Animaniacs parried, bouncing all over the room going "boinky boinky boinky." I can see why the Daleks would hate them. I must be turning into a Dalek myself. Oh dear.
Then they all three jumped in Sweeney's arms. Dalek-Jat couldn't kill them because that would kill Sweeney, which would kill any possibility for a shave, which would kill any possibility of him getting some good old-fashioned Dalek nookie, if there exists such a thing.
"Hi there!" said Yakko. "you're our new special friend!"
"…bloody 'ell?!"
"You're dreeeeeamy!" said Dot.
"…no, no I'm not. Go away. Go get a pie downstairs or something."
"PIE?!" said Wakko.
"Yes, Ms. Lovett likes to make them. Now go away before I slash you into little bloody pieces and make people eat them as a delicacy."
"Wait a second," said Yakko. "You said…MISS Lovett, is that correct?"
"Yes."
"HELL-OOOOOOOO NURSE!" Yakko and Wakko rushed downstairs and Dot followed because, um, yeah she followed.
"COMMENCE SHAVING," said Dalek-Jat.
"Most certainly," said Sweeney, situating Dalek-Jat in the chair. He ran the razor across him a little, and then--IN FOR THE KILL!
Clank.
"Oh…poo," said Sweeney.
"I DEMAND EXPLANATION," said Dalek-Jat.
"It's very hard to slit your throat when you don't have one. In fact, you're pretty much made out of metal."
"OH. I GUESS I'LL JUST GET AN ELECTRIC SHAVER."
"It doesn't quite work that way, I'm afraid."
"NUTS TO YOU, INFERIOR HUMAN." Dalek-Jat went downstairs. Sweeney was left in an existential rut wondering why Dalek-Jat didn't exterminate him, but I guess that's up to the mind of the creator. Ha ha. Losers.
When Dalek-Jat went downstairs, he noticed Ms. Lovett dead on the floor.
"EX-TER-MIN-A-TED, DALEK-VAR?" said Dalek-Jat, pointing at the corpse.
"BY REQUEST. THE ANIMANIACS DROVE HER TO SUICIDE."
"WE DO NOT FOLLOW HUMAN ORDERS."
"BUT IT WAS ASSISTED SUICIDE."
"…EH."
"DALEKS DO NOT SAY 'EH' UNLESS FOLOWED BY 'X-TER-MIN-ATE!"
"…EH."
Meanwhile, the Animaniacs, as of yet unexterminated by the Daleks out of insane fear for their own personal safety and the safety of the Dalek empire, were eating Ms. Lovett's pies.
"Wait," said Yakko, "these are made out of PEOPLE!" Dot and Yakko pretty much lost their lunch, but Wakko looked at the pie for a second, and kept eating for the next thirty minutes.
Then it hit. Wakko shuddered in an insane spasm.
"What is it, Wakko, you insane person-eater?" said Dot.
Wakko ran out looking for the nearest toilet, as exemplified in that one episode of the Animaniacs when he spent the entire freakin' episode looking for a toilet. WTF.
Then he found a blue police box that looked suspiciously like a port-a-potty.
The Doctor and Martha came out. "Ah, London, late 19th Centur--"
"EXCUSE ME I'VE GOT A POTTY EMERGENCY." Wakko dived into the TARDIS.
"That can't be good," said Martha.
"That also can't be good," said the Doctor, looking into Ms. Lovett's shop window. "Daleks. We've got to do some—"
"HI!" said Yakko and Dot, jumping into the Doctor's arms. "You're our new special friend!"
"You'll have to excuse them," said Sweeney. "They've made me insane after about ten seconds, frankly. But how about a nice, relaxing shave for the kind sir?"
"Um, no thank you, and no thank you to you," said the Doctor. "But how about you take this new razor," he whipped out a disposable sonic screwdriver, "it's much more efficient for slitting throats."
"Um, all right."
"Yes, all right. Goodbye, Mr. Todd."
"Um," said Martha, "What about the Daleks?"
"I really don't know, the matter should sort itself out, hopefully," said the Doctor.
"Daleks rarely sort themselves—"
BUT THEY FOUND THEMSELVES BACK IN THE TARDIS SO THIS PLOT CAN MOVE ALONG.
When they shifted out of space and time, they came to a terrible realization: the Animaniacs were still with them in the TARDIS.
"What the hell did you do in the corner, Wakko?!" screamed Martha.
--
So the Daleks were gone after another unfruitful endeavor to kill everybody.
But now Judge Turpin was in Sweeney's chair.
"This is a new and improved razor," said Sweeney, "It's guaranteed to impress the girls."
"Very good, very good," said the Judge.
Then Sweeney got down to business and slit the Judge's throat.
Well, he didn't actually slit it, he just kind of swiped the blue light across. He was rather upset that the judge wasn't dead.
"What the hell?!" said Sweeney.
"Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi!" said the Judge, his vocal chords distorted terribly.
Then Dalek-Jat came in the door.
"SORRY, ALMOST FORGOT. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" and Sweeney and the Judge were exterminated.
SCORE:
Indirect kills of humans: 4
Kills of humans by Daleks: 4
Kills of Daleks by humans: 0
Overall Human kills: 8
Overall Dalek kills: 0
I like statistics. Rawr.