So as you know I have been taken off my hormones and today Chloe is taking me to the doctor to get the results of my most recent blood test.
"Brett. I'd like to do a CT of your cervix if I may."
That gets me concerned.
"Why? What do you want that for?"
I feel Chloe squeeze my hand and I sneak a glance up at her, not liking the look on her face.
The doctor sighs and reads through his notes for a minute before looking back up at me.
"Well. I'm concerned, if I'm being honest. Your blood work is very worrying and I'm worried that you may have something going on that I'd like to take a look at."
I swallow hard and nod as I look at Chloe who is biting her lip and twisting her wedding ring with her thumb.
What the fuck is going on?
The CT scan was done almost immediately and we are back in the doctor's office. The look Chloe had when I came out of the scan was not promising. She had tears in her eyes and barely said a word, just pulled me into a hug.
"Brett. Chloe. I am very saddened and sorry to tell you both this but, Brett the CT scan revealed growths in your cervix. They're quite large and naturally we would need to run some more tests but at this stage it's clear that this has a very strong possiblity of being cervical cancer."
Chloe lets out a sob and I sit there completley stunned.
Cancer.
"How?" Chloe chokes out brokenly.
"Well is there any history of cancer in your family Brett?"
"My mom had it too."
"Cervical?"
I nod my head stiffly and stare at my hands as the doctor keeps talking, about treatments and surgeries. Honestly I can barely hear him, my head swimming with thoughts.
Am I gonna die?
Who'll look after Chloe and Bella?
How will I tell my dad?
How do we explain this to Bella?
Bella.
My sweet little girl. She's too young to understand any of this. I dont want her to watch me die.
The car ride home is deadly silence as Chloe grips the steering wheel tightly and I just sit back and stare out the window.
I can't even imagine the feelings Chloe must be dealing with right now. I mean, yeah I'm the sick one but Chloe, she's so sensitive with emotions and when she's really hurt or upset by something she will cry for hours. She feels things so deeply and it hurts me sometimes, seeing her deal with negative emotions.
What do I do?
What are we going to do?
Once we're home I head straight up to the bedroom, locking myself in.
I know I shouldn't but I need time to myself to process all this.
Theres a knock at the door a minute later.
"Brett, can we please talk about this?"
"I dont want to talk right now Chloe."
"Well I do. Please baby, just let me in?"
I sit there unmoving until I hear her huff.
"Fine! Lock yourself away like you always do! I mean, who cares that I'm broken about all this!"
I dont know why but her frustration has made me so angry.
I get up and throw open the door, levelling her with a stare so cold, that water could freeze. She stares back at me with her hands on her hips and her eyebrow cocked.
"Fuck you! I need to process what the fuck is happening to me! Don't you dare try and make it about you when I am the one with fucking cancer! I'm the one that could fucking die!"
"You're not going to die Brett Mitchell! Don't you ever say that again!"
We stare at each other for a few minutes before Chloe lets out a defeated sigh and looks down, dropping her hands to her sides.
"Jesus Brett. Look at us. Not even 24 hours and we're fighting about it."
I sigh and pull her into a hug, kissing her head.
"I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry."
"We'll make it through this. You'll see babe. We'll be fine." Chloe says, as if she's trying to convince herself more than she is me.