"So after you left I went back to the States the next morning. I helped my aunt with the arrangements and we spent hours fighting over burial or cremation. I ultimately got my way a she was buried in a small ceremony a week after her death. Then there was taking care of what little she did have and canceling all the bills. I never knew she had so many creditors until I had to call every last one. A month after she died I went back to managing the Amsterdam and Belgium runs. A week later I was offered a position running managing European shipments from Malaysia. I asked for time and he gave me a night. That night I had found a shirt that still smelled like you in the apartment and as big as the job was I knew I couldn't take it. This couldn't be my life anymore. So I went to Kubra the next morning and told him I wanted out. He was offended and told me I was the daughter he never had. He told me he would allow me to leave on one condition. There was a supplier in Thailand he had been trying to get for a year and he had sent three of his best guys to get but none of them could seal the deal. I knew who they were, the only difference was now I knew why they were found with a bullet in their heads. I knew that would be my fate if I said yes cause that deal was impossible and everybody except Kubra knew that but he ruled with an iron fist as nice as he could be so nobody told him so lest they get a beating from hell. But a life without you was a fate worse than death. I needed a chance to get you back. I was a shitty daughter and didn't get the chance to rectify whatever extra stress I gave my mom. I couldn't get her back. I was a shitty girlfriend who gave you extra stress and I couldn't ever rectify that and I know I can't no matter what I do I can't but I can try to get you back, to at least make amends for the things I've done."

"You think I'm going to go back to you? Like ever? Really? Where the hell was I unclear? You will always be a drug dealer. Whatever you do, people don't change. You were a shitty person from the moment you decided to take me back to your apartment when you had a fucking girlfriend. You are a shitty person who does shitty, stupid things and that's all you'll ever be face it Alex!"

"And you still don't know how to listen and hear someone out before you spout off your fucking mouth! Now can I finish my story so I can get back to the roach motel I now call home."

"Oh I doubt you're living in squalor."

"This place is worse than anywhere I ever lived with my mom and we lived in some pretty shitty places in Boston, Springfield area and Jersey so yeah I am."

"I probably should feel for you but I don't. I couldn't care less if you were living in an alley but I know you and you never would. You're not at the Ritz but I doubt you're living in a shitty motel."

"My room smells like shit so guess I am but you're right its none of your worry. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have spent the last of my drug money, well what little was left after I settled my mom's affairs, on me and getting myself set up in New York and finding out who I really am, who nineteen year old Alex Vause would have been if she hadn't collided with a drug pusher. I'm not a drug dealer, not anymore and Piper I promise if you listen to me I won't go back to that world, even if nothing I say can bring you back I won't. I'm trying to restart my life and I chose to spend my money on you. Cause you mean something to me Piper."

"You meant something to me too Alex. Meant that's it. That will always be it!"

"But yet I'm here and you fed me and gave me alcohol. No you don't still care about me Piper! No, you've made that quite clear! Look at yourself and what you do before you talk!"

"And you are sitting in my house! Do I need to remind you of that? I can still make you leave whenever I want."

"Keep trying to be hard. Keep forgetting that I know you, sweetheart," Alex said forcefully as she closed the space between her and her ex-girlfriend.

"I know you aren't about to touch me!"

"Piper," she grabbed the woman's arm harder than she planned as she turned around to storm off, "I don't want to touch you. I don't want to hurt you. I just want you to," her tears betrayed her eyes and fell down her face, instantly smearing her eyeliner that she had put on so carefully a couple hours ago, "listen to me. Please baby, please. Let's just sit down."

"My arm really hurts. Why did you do that?"

"I couldn't watch you walk away from me again, I couldn't cry those tears but they were starting and here they are. Don't leave again," she weakly stated as Piper turned and went into her room, then slamming the bathroom door and running water.

"Here," she gently sat her ex down on the couch and slid her glasses off, setting them carefully on the coffee table without taking her hand off the warm rag in her hand and running it across her face.

"God, is that what real hot water feels like."

"Maybe you really are living in shit. I hate you but I don't want that for you. I don't want you breaking down in my apartment looking rail thin and eating like it's Thanksgiving. I don't want to care about you, I want to have never walked into that bar or let you fuck me in your apartment but the moment I laid eyes on you I was ruined forever."

"I could say the same thing about you, baby. You ruined me from the moment I saw those sweet blue puppy dog eyes."

"Okay. Here put this on your neck, you look like you haven't seen anything hot in way too long and I'll let you finish. So Thailand?"

"So I went to Thailand. I did things I wasn't proud of. I partied and drank too much. I had a love affair with the most beautiful Thai hooker. She was great, she wasn't you but she was great. I partied, I used whatever party favors I could find. When it came down to it and I convinced the supplier to get a meeting, I was nervous and I knew there were few things I wouldn't do to get this deal and my determination worked because he told me, "You tell Kubra he has deal. He should have sent you to me sooner but even if he isn't great at business and he lets bitches run rings he has my heroin.' Kubra was so happy with me. He offered whatever I wanted. I told him he promised me my freedom. He told me except that. I told him, 'You always said your word was all you had. You were better than the others. I have given you six years of my life. I lost my mother who I've seen four times in those years. I lost the love of my life to this business. I can't make this my life. Please Kubra. You promised.' 'Yes, Alex. I did make you a promise. But I will need all your assets and you will have to book your own ticket.' But of course he didn't let me leave easily, he watched as three of his men beat the shit out of me then dropped me off at a clinic with what little I could pack in an hour while in extreme pain. Luckily I had money he didn't know about. I booked a ticket from Africa to JFK, first class. I knew it was foolish but I also knew it might be the last glass of champagne over the Atlantic I would ever have so I paid cash for a last minute ticket to New York. I paid off my mom's creditors from a swanky hotel overlooking Central Park. I hired the best private investigator in the City and paid him extra to find you fast. I didn't think fast would take so long and the money, even as I convinced myself I was taking care of it, quickly ran out and I ended up buying vodka that was basically water when even the cheapest whiskey got too expensive and drinking from the bottle on a piss and cum stained mattress with thin sheets and a rat I named Pip to keep me company. In my mind he was the superhero that warded off the roaches and bugs. But even with Pip I still wake up with bites from five kinds of bugs."

"Is that why you wouldn't take your jacket off?"

"And I still have a needle mark from shooting heroin before I came here. I didn't want you to know."

"How long Alex?"

"Five months. I've been using coke for six, I went out one night while I was handling my mom's affairs and planning her funeral and saw a girl selling coke and I seduced her for sex and drugs. Now I'm just lucky I'm good at recognizing small scale drug dealers, I go to the druggie clubs, places where party favors flow freely. So how have you been?"

"I want to lie and say I've been fine but one look at my recycling bin and you'd know that's a lie. When I got back to the States I stayed with Polly, it was supposed to be a couple weeks and became eleven weeks. I spent the first four days drunk every second of the day and not eating before Polly threatened to kick me out of the house. That didn't make me better cause I kept at it but she didn't make good on her promise and now I'm barely out of my heels before I'm screwing off the top of a bottle of Chardonnay, yes I said screw top, corks take too long I quickly realized. I just got better about not drinking as much, especially around Polly. I got a job as an account executive at a digital media company in DUMBO. I got this apartment in Park Slope. It's tiny but its mine and for the first time in my life I live alone and can do whatever I want and put things wherever I want. So its nice but when I'm sober it sure does get lonely and the walls start closing in and I miss my ex so I find the bottle of tequila and make it go away cause I know she's all bad for me. She's into something I can't be a part of."

"What are you gonna do now that she risked her life and has been eaten up by bugs to be someone worthy of you? Now that it's something she can't be a part of either?"

"Well first I'm gonna hand her a towel and tell her to take a shower and I'm gonna grab some sheets and a blanket and make a bed on the couch for her and in the morning I'm gonna take her to our favorite diner in Manhattan for breakfast and we'll talk but it's gonna take time. Leaving the ring alone is not enough. We had bigger problems Alex, so much bigger problems. One gesture no matter how big and appreciated will never be enough!"

"Babe I can change, just give me a chance."

"I just invited you for a sleepover what part of that is me not giving you a chance. I'm not going to let you back into my life fully overnight. Did you really think I'd just go running into your arms? I care about you so much and to see you the way you are is rough. If I'm going to give you a chance past breakfast you need to quit the drugs. If you need rehab I'll get you into a program."

"Okay, I'll go to rehab but we both need to cut back on our drinking. Even if talking doesn't work out we need to cut back for good."

"Agreed, now let me get you a towel."

"Thanks, but I might take all your hot water."

"Do whatever you need to do. One question though?"

"Yeah."

"Why if you knew where I lived for hours did you show up at two am?"

"I snorted a couple lines, found some really good heroin and drank too many beers before finally getting up the courage just after midnight then I had to find my way to the subway and get from Chelsea to Park Slope and then I smoked a few cigarettes on your porch and took another pill before I got up the courage to knock on your door and I knew if I didn't do it now I never would and I might be dead before morning because I didn't. I had to do it now so I could live with myself. And I should be sorry for bugging you and your neighbors at this hour but I'm not cause I'm here in the same room with the woman I never thought I'd see again. I'm still in love with you."

"Go take your shower. Just go."

"Okay," she walked away, "and Pipe-r thanks for everything tonight. I'm gonna make things right. I'm gonna prove to you I'm good."

"Alex Pearl Vause go so we can both get some sleep."

Alex started to speak then thought better of it and stopped then grabbed the towel draped on the back of the couch and headed for the bathroom.