THE HELLSINGS GO CAMPING

Sapphirewyren

Ch2. Packed Bags and Car Games

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing

"Camping?"

The look of shock that now graced the commander's face was as if the invasion of the Valentine brothers was happening all over again.

"Did you just say 'camping'?"

"Yes, Sir Integra I did." Walter knew that if he gave in now everything would be ruined. Also the Queen would be very disappointed if Integra did not go on her holiday.
"So you think that I'm going to go in middle of nowhere, live in a sack and piss outdoors!?"

"That's not what I said Sir…"

"YOU SAID CAMPING! THAT IS WHAT CAMPING IS!"

"I believe camping is more complex than that."

"I am NOT going anywhere that does not have running water!"

"It…"

"I am NOT shitting in some bushes and wiping my ass with leaves!"

"Sir Integra, please calm down. Think of your blood pressure."

"I am calm! What part of me doesn't look calm?"

Walter was wise enough not to mention her twitching eyes.

"Sir, there are bathroom facilities that will meet your standards. I have taken the liberty to of renting a cabin, so that will not be a problem. However the cabin will only be used for bathroom purposes and in case of extreme weather".

"How the hell will you know what I…" Integra noticed the look on her butler's face. "You're coming with me, aren't you?"

"Uhh…yes…" But the strange expression did not leave Walter's face.

"Don't tell me…"

Just then the door opened and Alucard, Seras and Pip stumbled in, clearly they had been eavesdropping. Integra groaned; "Let me guess, this was the Queen's idea, wasn't it?"

"Yes, she wanted to make sure you were relaxing."

"You are aware that this group of clowns are part of my stress and relaxing is now impossible, right?"

"Don't think of them as clowns, well at least not all of them".

"This is going to be so much fun, Sir!" exclaimed Seras.

"I doubt that very much."

"Well we leave this Friday Sir; that gives me time to buy you some new clothes."

"What's wrong with my clothes?"

"No one goes camping in a suit, Sir" chuckled Pip, this earned him an ashtray to the head, and it was a good thing he ducked.

"Fine, but I want my own tent; I refuse to share a tent with anyone."

Walter agreed with that and left to finish the preparations for the trip. Friday came too soon for Integra. That morning, she did not want to get out of bed, but Walter came into her bedroom to wake her up. She grumbled on the way to the bathroom take a shower. Integra hoped that Walter had sense to pack a lot of toilet paper and soap. Walter's idea of clothes for camping was definitely something she wouldn't wear; denim jeans, hiking boots, a white woman's t-shirt that for some reason had the words "Bless You" on it and a plaid shirt that was several shades of blue. Integra scrawled out the word "Bless" and wrote a word that more accurately described how she truly felt about this forced vacation. The elderly butler was not happy; "Really Sir, did you have to write that on your shirt?" he got no reply. It was a strange sight for all the people that normally wore formal or a uniform wearing casual, maybe they were too casual because Integra heard Pip say; "Hey Integra! Ya look hot in those jeans!" The director grabbed the mercenary by his shirt and growled; "Care to rephrase that, Captain?"

"Good morning, Sir Hellsing. Did you sleep well?"

"That's better."

After breakfast, the bags and camping gear were packed into a large van, of course Integra didn't do any heavy lifting. As they were leaving, a car bearing the Queen's coat of arms pulled up and the Queen got out. Integra shot a nasty glare at Walter, who chose to look the other way.

"Sir Integra, I came to make sure you were actually going through with this."

"I feel like I'm being punished for something."

"That's a bit dramatic, this merely to help you and keep you healthy."

"Gee thank you very much, Your Majesty."

"And one more thing Sir Integra, change your shirt."

Integra smirked; "What's wrong with it? Walter was the one who picked it out."

Walter sputtered; "Sir! Why would you say that?

"Because it's true."

However the monarch waved an impatient hand, "I wish you a good holiday, Sir Integra and I expect to see pictures. You know I love pictures."

Integra shuddered at recalling the time when Her Majesty called a meeting with Hellsing, but got sidetracked by showing slideshows of her latest holiday. That was the dullest nightmare she ever experienced and Integra wanted no part in it. As the Queen watched Integra and company departed, one of her bodyguards said; "That is going to one heck of a vacation." The elderly monarch nodded; "Now I wish I was going with them."

It was only a half hour and Integra was tempted to shoot herself with one of the pistols she had secretly bought with her. Someone, namely a big red doofus named Alucard decided to sing car songs, like 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. Everyone joined in the song and Integra just wanted to shoot someone. When they got to 85 bottles of beer, Integra exploded; "Will you all just shut up!?" when everyone went silent the director said; "Thank you."

Walter said: "Sir, perhaps you might want to lighten up a tad bit, you are on vacation." Walter was very lucky that he was the one driving because this prevented Integra from punching him in the back of the head. She did retort; "I'm not on vacation, I'm on a field trip with a bunch of overgrown children!"

"Pip is the most childish one here" said Alucard.

"Shut up! You're the one who's a big baby!" replied the mercenary and Seras agreed with him. Integra sighed; "Dear Lord, take me now." Since yelling at these idiots was doing nothing, Integra took out a book and a pair of noise cancelling earplugs. So for the rest of the car rides while the others mildly annoyed Walter with a game called I Spy Walter Edition and sang off key to horrible pop music and even argued whenever they got lost, Integra was laying down in the last row of the van, deeply engrossed in her book.

Soon they arrived at the campsite and everyone got out of the van. Walter took a deep breath; "Aah! Just breathe in that fresh air!" Everyone did likewise except Integra who had a coughing fit. Seras rushed over to the director; "What's wrong, Sir?"

"Lungs…not used…to fresh…air" Integra gasped hoarsely. She then took out a cigar and took a long drag. "Much better. Walter, are you trying to kill me?"

"Sir, I thought I said no cigars."

"They're the only thing keeping me alive."

"Actually boss…."Pip started to say, but Seras shook her head. Walter shrugged; it was most likely that Integra bought a whole bag of cigars. "Just try to smoke less, Sir. Alright time to pitch the tents." Integra had no clue what was so relaxing about manual labor and she was glad that she bought the Air 6 Inflatable Family Tent. With a push of a button the tent pitched itself and the best part was that it big enough for a person to stand up comfortably in and could fit six people. Walter sighed, this was not what he meant, and he had no idea that Integra bought a tent that big! But it was better than hearing her swear and curse because of her inability to pitch a tent. Everyone else's tent pitching went relatively well except for Alucard. He'd get one pole up and when he went to set up the second pole, the first would flop over and Alucard would have to go and put it up again. This happened several times and in minutes, Alucard was snarling in anger and cursing. Seras, Pip and Integra nearly burst their sides from laughter. Walter tried to offer his help, but Alucard wanted to do it himself. Forty-five minutes of struggling with the accursed tent, Alucard finally managed to get it up. "I did it!" then the tent flopped miserably to the ground. The vampire king stalked over to the downed canvas, kicked it, jumped up and down on it, tore it to pieces and then bundled the whole thing and hurled it far away.

"I'm sleeping in the cabin" the vampire growled.

"No you're not" drawled Integra "If that miserable old bag is not going to let me sleep like a civilized person, then you're not going to either."

"Which miserable old bag? The Queen or Walter?" asked Pip.

"You choose."

"So where am I supposed to sleep?"

Integra shrugged; "Don't know, don't care, just not with me."

"But master, your tent fits six people."

"So what? I need my privacy."

"Sleep with Pip" suggested Seras.

"Hell no" said Pip. "Unless I can sleep in your tent, Seras"

"Pervert!"

Walter sighed impatiently: "Why not just build a shelter, we'll all help"

"Except for me" said Integra. "That's work and I'm on vacation."

"Why do you have to be a bitch, master?"

"Because being a bitch isn't work" and then Integra went inside her tent to read another book. About halfway of building the shelter, Alucard grumbled; "I hope one of those damn cigars burns her tent down." Integra most definitely heard this remark because she exited her tent mansion, walked over to the shelter they were building and lit it on fire with her lighter.

"Oh look Walter, I made a campfire, Her Majesty would love that, don't forget to take a picture." The others just stared as Integra set up a chair and sat in it, looking smug.

"That was not nice, Master."

Before any argument could ensue, Walter remembered that at the entrance of the camping grounds, there was a store so that campers could buy any supplies they needed. He grabbed Alucard by the arm and headed there. Soon they returned, pitched the new tent and everyone was happy. Then Walter said sternly; "There will be NO burning of anyone's tent, is that understood?" Everyone nodded their heads. When evening came, Walter fixed everyone a light meal and after eating and talking, everyone retreated to their tents to get acclimated to sleeping outdoors and to their surroundings. Hopefully tomorrow would be a better day.

Chapter End

Author's Note: I promised that this wouldn't take too long to type…last night. Sorry Shhhhh from Quotev, damn my easily getting distracted. So now the Hellsings are at the camp grounds, what kinds of adventures await them? Will Integra continue to be mega bitch? Who knows? See ya in the next chapter.