The letter

Sarah woke up with the pleasant thought of her dream. She went to the kitchen to fetch Her Ladyship's breakfast but she was too early. Mrs. Patmore hadn't finished yet with preparing the meal for the people upstairs.

So Sarah went outside to have a cigarette. She wasn't surprised when she found Thomas there, however she rather wanted to be left alone with her thoughts.

"Good mornin'."

"Why would it be good?"- asked the man with a bit of irony in his voice.

Sarah didn't answer, she knew Thomas too well to react to a reply like this.

She lighted her cigarette and got lost in her thoughts.

I could have finished my dream, the bloody breakfast is not even ready yet. And this nosy Thomas will discover in ten seconds that I am not in a chatty mood he will wonder why…

"Where is your mind today?"

"I asked, where is your mind today?"

Sarah turned her head to Thomas.

"Did ya' say somethin'?"

"Never mind. What happened with ya'? I was talkin' about Mr. Bates and his wife and you didn't say a word!"

"Sorry, I was thinkin' about something."

"About what?"

"Nothin', I just had a dream this night that's all."

"Ahh I see now…you've dreamed about a nice fellow, ya?"

"Don't be daft, and mind your own business. I'm back to the kitchen."

The breakfast was ready, Sarah put the plates and the coffe on the tray.

Cora opened her eyes and tried to catch the last pieces of her couldn't remember clearly, but she was sure that it had something to do with O'Brien.

She helped me so much to bear the pain and the loss of my baby, she spent most of her time with me, that's why I am dreaming about her.

But there was somethig else about her dream couldn't tell why, but she woke up with a good feeling of being safe. She felt something she didn't feel for a long time. She felt peace.

Cora didn't have too much time to think about her dream because Sarah was already knocking on her door.

"Good mornin' m'lady."

"Good morning O'Brien. Just put the tray on my bed, I am not hungry yet, I will read a little before I eat my breakfast."

"But are you feeling good, m'lady?"

"Absolutely, don't worry dear O'Brien."

Sarah looked at her mistress before she left the room. Lady Cora seemed to be so fresh however her voice was still drowsy. Sarah loved to see her like this…in her…bed…

"I'll ring for you when I'm finished with the breakfast."

"Very well m'lady."

Sarah left the room however she wanted to say so many things to her mistress. She wanted to speak about her dream, about her feelings and about the fears what her feelings caused. Sarah knew she could never tell these things to Lady Cora, she would never dare to speak to her about these things eye to eye. But on the other hand she felt she would go insane if she cannot speak out her thoughts.

Sarah went to the kitchen where the others were already having breakfast. She sat down in silence and started to drink her tea. She was busy with her thoughts but she couldn't help listening to the conversation of Anna and Daisy.

"You've got a letter?"-asked Daisy.

"Yes, I did. Mr. Bates wrote to me."

"How long he will stay in London?"

"He says that he has to manage some things with his lawyer but he shall be back by Tuesday."

"I never get a letter from anyone"- sobbed the young girl.

A letter…that's it!I have to write down my feelings in a letter!I don't think I will ever be able to give it to her but at least it might help me to clear my mind and I would know that there is always a chance to tell about my feelings to her by that if I never will.

After the long day Sarah searched for peace in the silence of her was quite late but she decided to write the letter. She had to find the courage to start it however she knew that not a single person will read it. For a moment her idea seemed to be so stupid.

But I have to do it, I will feel better.

And she started:

M'lady,

I'm not a master of words or confessions, and I'm a very simply person. You've always been so kind to me, even if I didn't deserve it. For the first time in my life I felt that someone cared about me. God knows I am so fond of you, maybe more than I should. My admiration turned to something more. I have feelings for you which I am not meant to have.I think of you in a way I shouldn't. I have inappropriate dreams about you. Thoughts of…loving you.

Oh no, I can't actually write this down, I am a bloody fool.

Sarah opened her drawer and put the letter in it. She was rather angry than relieved. She decided to burn the letter at once in the morning.