Author's Note: Sorry if anyone was waiting forever for this (not that I expect anyone was). This is just a little side project to maintain my sanity, so I'm not expecting much out of it. Anyway, if you happen to like it good for you. This one (as well as most of the other future chapters) is based on the psychotic lunch room conversation that can only occur when you gather a bunch of Narutards in one place. So this chapter is dedicated to my lunch buddies. You guys make life interesting.

Chapter One In Which Zetsu Sells Sea Shells By the Sea Shore

Konan here! Now, I know Akatsuki seems like a dark scary place filled with badass dudes that are mostly focused on beating people up… I blame Nagato. But really, I've been making a lot of effort to brighten things up. Like last week I got everyone together for a beach party. I know it sounds lame, but I fucking love the beach so deal with it.

Besides, you've never seen how much water freaks out Itachi. Hilarious.

But actually, the best part of our impromptu beach trip—I say impromptu because while I was planning it for ages, I sprung it on the guys last minute—was the joke Zetsu played on Deidara.

You see no one knows this about Zetsu but his whole Venus Fly Trap get up is actually removable. Meaning he's sorta like a hermit crab that can come out of his shell. Well, Deidara definitely did not know this.

And Deidara has been pissed off, I mean really pissed off, for quite awhile now that Zetsu pawned Tobi off onto him after Sasori, may he rest in peace, died. And Zetsu has been avoiding Deidara forever because whenever they run into each other Deidara gives Zetsu a rather large and noisy piece of his mind—not to mention Deidara's mind is rather dirty and perverted, but not as much as Hidan's.

'Lo and behold, Deidara thinks he's gotten yet another chance to bitch at Zetsu about Tobi on the beach trip since Tobi is rather preoccupied by the snack bar. He couldn't decide which ice cream he wanted, the Tweety Bird with gumball eyes or the Ninja Turtle. Both are quite nasty I assure you and in case you were wondering he got the Ninja Turtle.

But back to the important part of the story. Deidara is winding up to bitch at Zetsu again because he sees old Venus Fly Trap laying out on the beach. I think he was especially pissed because he forgot to bring sunscreen and had a nasty burn developing on the side of his face that isn't covered up by an emo bang.

He starts yelling and causing a disturbance to the point where I'm pretty sure the lifeguard was going to kick us out of the beach—hehe who needs a lifeguard when we've got shark-man Kisame?

But, no, here's where it gets good. Zetsu usually goes swimming without his Venus shell since it's rather heavy, I guess. So he comes back from his swim (and might I add that he's quite ripped? I had no clue!) and sees Deidara yelling at his empty shell.

So Zetsu taps him on the shoulder and says, "Is it the voices in your head again? Tell them suicide is not the answer."

Deidara was speechless. All four of his mouths were hanging open.

So yeah, we do fun here at Akatsuki. Sure you'll have to commit murder and probably arson and a host of other felonies, but we do fun that isn't of the homicidal variety. I'm thinking we should go to the movies next. What do you think?