Become a ninja they said, it'll be fun they said. Sakura barely spared a glance at her teammate tied to a tree upside down with snakes. She most certainly did not look at her other teammate spasming on the ground. Sweat trickled down her neck and she distantly felt herself hyperventilating. She was pressed to her knees and shivering from the killing intent. She knew she couldn't hide from Her. She knew everything was futile. She could almost feel herself dying, giving up. Almost.

Half an hour earlier…

"Hahaha! So you're my cute little victims huh? I am the sexy beast Mitarashi Anko! Known to you as Anko sama, Sensei, or kami sama." Sensei had bright purple spiky hair, a sweet trench coat, and only mesh armour for a shirt. She looked kinda weird. Sakura quickly discovered she was also really strong, terrifying, and sadistic. "From this moment, you unlucky lot are under my command and I assure you the only way to escape is for the whole team to die or make chunin...whichever comes first. Any questions?" Sakura had an ominous sinking feeling in her gut and glanced at her new teammates. Yamanaka Naoe, a blond and blue eyed 11 year-old boy, seemed to recognize this crazy tokubetsu jounin. Not a good sign considering the Yamanaka were traditionally involved with the T&I department. Aburame Shima, a 12 year-old girl that looked exactly like every other Aburame, didn't react. That didn't mean much.

The group hadn't had much time to "bond" before Anko sensei had shown up. Naoe had only recently joined Shima's class, and Sakura hadn't met either of them before. Also, Anko sensei had shown up early to whisk them away. Basically, all three of them were in completely unknown territory, had been informed that death was one of the only two ways to escape their sensei, and they hadn't even had time to finish their lunch. She was already looking on her time in the Academy as "the good 'ol days."

Anko sensei happily explained that she was going to give them a little test to see where they were at as ninja and "to bond as a team through mutual pain and suffering!" The cheery grin that line was delivered with did nothing to assuage her fears. Apparently, all they had to do was survive for two hours and then tell Anko sensei honestly that they still wanted to be shinobi even if it meant going through this same test many many times. Sakura had a feeling that when sensei said "survive" she didn't mean simply not to get knocked out.

"When do we start?" Naoe asked nervously. "Oh" Sensei's grin sharpened "we already have."

Present time…

"Kai!" Relief made her body sag as the horrible pressure of the killing intent dissipated. Finally able to think, she glanced around the clearing again. Unfortunately, her teammate's predicaments hadn't been the result of genjutsu. They were still screwed. Fortunately, or really really not a good sign, Anko sensei was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she got bored of batting children around and took a nap. Whatever the case, Sakura had limited options, limited resources, and an awful lot of determination. She was going to make this work.

Shima san had managed to free herself by that time so Sakura dragged Naoe to cover and worked on identifying and countering the poison. He had only been hit with a common lower-level poison, enough to painfully incapacitate but not cause permanent damage. Sakura had already worked with this one and had the antidote on hand. Naoe would be fine in a few minutes but still terrible in a fight. "You are familiar with poison and field medicine?" Shima asked, startling Sakura. "Uh, yeah. I needed something to make up for my size and physical weakness so I...uh...started teaching myself I guess." Shima nods and seems to approve.

It was obvious by now they would need to rely on each other so when Shima suggested working on a plan during their reprieve, Sakura was already brainstorming. "weaknesses?" "Does a tendency to cackle and monologue count?" "Maybe as a distraction." Back to thinking. "Could they hide?" "Her snakes would find us or she would sense our chakra." "What if they disguised our scent and hid in a sealed area?" "Could work. It would take time and Naoe is still dead-weight." "Okay let's shelve that for later. How about a trap? they could just go ham with explosive tags and jump into the pond to avoid the blast." Sakura got a look for that one. "Okay, okay, how about…"

…

When the time was up the three children were caught in an odd state between laughing deliriously and breaking down into tears. At least, Sakura was laughing, Naoe was sobbing, and Shima was twitching. They were muddy, exhausted, and beyond terrified. The land around them was torn, burning, and covered in plant debris. In front of them was the woman who had terrorized, tortured, and tormented them for hours.

They had managed to sap her chakra with Shima's bugs, forced her to jump into the river to avoid way too many exploding seals, and force her to dodge Naoe's possession jutsu only to be ensnared by the real one shortly after. Once Naoe had her, he stripped her of weapons, let them tie a few stones to him, and jumped into the pond. He returned to his body, gasping and coughing, and they ran as fast as they could. Then the bell went off.

Stopping, and still wary, they looked around for Anko sensei. Then they looked in horror to the pond. It's surface was perfectly still. They raced back to the edge and peered into the murky water. "Sensei?" "Did we kill sensei?" Naoe tentatively took a step closer and peared in. Three snakes burst out of the water and made a grab for us. They had screamed and scrambled away, only to be dragged under by their ankles by the merciless summons. Soon, the pond was still again.

When they dragged Anko sensei back onto solid ground she realized the time had been up for a few minutes, she took stock of the group. They looked like crap. Perfect. Once their respective hysterics had subsided a bit she clapped loudly to gain their attention. "So! Who still wants to become a shinobi!" The kids looked at her with exhausted, annoyed, terrified, loathing...and determination. Well, Shima more buzzed angrily and frowned rather than display emotions.

Finally, Sakura spoke first. "Fuck it. I've been surviving for too many years to stop now. Lay it on me bitch sensei." She distantly noted that she did not feel nearly as tough as her words conveyed. In fact, all she wanted was to cry and go on a cooking spree after a few days of sleep. However, she also needed personal freedom in order to cry and go on cooking sprees and that required becoming a shinobi. Shima steadied at her words and nodded. "I will be expected to survive much worse in the defense of Konoha and my hive. I can not give up now." Naoe looked at the two of them wide-eyed, then sensei. "I really just want to go home and hug my sister" he started. "but I know that if I want her to live a good life, I have to help defend and fight for this village. I can't let her down. I want to be a shinobi." As they stared resolutely into the grinning face of hell, they prayed they had made the right choice.

"Wonderful! Okay victims, we'll be meeting here most days at 0700. Be there. Be ready to suffer. I'll be mixing up missions and training so always be prepared. Also, don't fool yourself into believing you're safe just because you're not in a training ground, this is your only warning. Oh! And I almost forgot! You need a team name. Pick one." The kids looked at each other again. They could always go with Team Anko or Team 4, but that just seemed so generic and underwhelming compared to the hell they had just lived through. "Uh...Team Not Dead?" Sakura half joked, half seriously considered. "Team Fuck It? Team Pretty-Soon-You're-Gonna-Be-As-Dead-As-We-Wish-We-Are?" Naoe chipped in. In a startling display of humor, Shima added "Team Snake Bait?"

Eventually, they settled on Team Not Dead because it was funny and they were tired and it was just morbid enough to keep them on their toes.