I've Never Seen

She didn't seem to really care how much I was crying. I mean, I know I kinda contradicted myself in that last part, explaining how I lost any desire to live but also wanted to stay with my friends. Yeah, it's confusing, but I am a confusing person. I confuse myself enough times that I've come to know that it's just part of my personality.

I just wanted my friends back. The main reason? I loved them more than I loved my foster family. I know that sounds bad, but can you blame me? I didn't want my foster family. I didn't want my real family either. I just wanted people I could trust to love me no matter what. Usually, that would be a family.

But my friends were my family. The only ones I trusted, at least. My real family was full of pompous, hateful people. They hated that I was bisexual, hated that I was atheist, hated that I didn't want to listen to their dreams of how they wanted me to live. I kept disagreeing, and they got sick of my shit and kicked me out. Now, I can't completely blame them. People always have big dreams of how they want their kids to be happy and stuff in the future. My family did too. I never agreed with their dreams, and that was the problem. They were fine with all other aspects of my life except for those three things: my sexuality, my religious preference, and my desire for independence from their influence. I didn't want to live how they wanted me to live. They decided that was unforgivable on my part and ditched me.

And then comes my foster family. They're not bad people. They just aren't good people. They do all the right family things: they feed me, clothe me, shelter me. But they don't love me. I know they don't. How? Because they're currently sustaining ten people in the same household. That doesn't leave much room for loving everyone. My foster parents have two kids of their own and six foster kids including me. I know they don't love me. I didn't expect them to. Frankly, I didn't want them to. Because from what I've seen? Every adult's love is conditional. Every single one. Maybe that's just how adults roll in this world, but I'm not down. I would never.

So now, this brings me to my actual point. I wanted my friends. They were home, safety, security, love, strength, affection, everything. I only lived to protect them. I only lived to love and care for them. I didn't have much else to live for except my own dreams, and that gets lonely real quick.

The girl didn't let me go. Not for a longshot. It was easy to forget my foster family and real family. It was easy to ignore how they would have felt knowing I died. It was so hard to think about my friends and their broken hearts. Or maybe their hearts weren't broken at all. That's probably why I tried so hard to forget my friends too. I was scared that they wouldn't miss me.

The girl with the hijab was really pretty, at least from what I could see. (This isn't a random detail. Shut up and let me explain!) I thought she was an angel of some sort. I then thought to myself, Well I'll be fucking damned. The Muslims got it right after all. Wait. I thought they didn't have angels in Islam. Or am I just an idiot? Wait, maybe I can ask her. So instead of using tact, logical reasoning, and common sense, I blurted out the first piece of bullshit that my mind had come up with. "Are you a Muslim angel? Is that even a thing?"

She gave me this disdainful look, which shut me up immediately. I couldn't understand why she was so offended by that, but didn't dare ask that as well. Eventually she sighed and looked at me, hefting me up a little so she could hold me better. "My name is Samirah al-Abbas. I am a Valkyrie, and apparently, you're a child of a Norse god. I'm here to bring you to Valhalla because you've died at the hand of an enemy with a weapon in your hand. After that, you're gonna train, do some cool stuff for the gods, and then you're going to participate in Ragnarok."

"First of all, I was so fucking right. Second of all, no. I'm good. I'll just go to hell, thanks. That's way easier. I don't wanna go on adventures, I don't want a stupid god telling me what to do, and I don't want to fight some idiot's war. I'm good. Drop me here, and I'll yeet myself to hell, thanks. Satan's a babe. I'd totally spend eternity with him given the chance. So yeah. Drop zone in three… two… one!"

Samirah groaned and rubbed her temples. "You're almost worse than Magnus. He was dumb, but not nearly as much as you."

"Thanks, beautiful. I get that a lot."

"Are you seriously trying to flirt with me right now?"

I grinned and tapped her nose with my pointer finger. It took a lot of finagling, but I did it. "Clever girl. Very perceptive. But no. I am not. One, you wouldn't want me, and two, you're not my type. No offense."

She huffed and rolled her eyes, grumbling to herself in a low voice. Eventually, probably after getting out all her anger under her breath, she continued to speak. "You're dumb. And no offense taken. You'd have a better chance flirting with a child of Thor than me. Those kids really are super dense. Fall for a girl in seconds."

"Seriously?"

"No. And don't let your ego get to your head."

I snorted. "My ego is always in my head. What then?"

"Die."

"Ouch. If you're a Muslim angel, then why are you so mean?"

"Why are you so difficult?"

"Probably because I have no common sense and love arguing. And I have a smart-ass streak a million miles wide. But touché, sweetheart."

"Just let me finish?" she sounded absolutely exasperated with my mere existence, so I decided to provide her some mercy and relief and shut my mouth as she continued to explain stuff. "Thank you. You have a godly parent from the Norse pantheon that will claim you once you reach Valhalla and are accepted by the judges. If they deem you worthy, you'll be accepted and will join the einherjar. If not, you'll be sent to Helheim or another of the Nine Worlds for further judgement of what to do with your soul. If you are accepted as an einherji, you'll fight for the gods in Ragnarok. Now I'm done. Ask your dumb questions now."

"Why can't the gods do it themselves? If they're gods, they should be able to handle this shit on their own. They have millennia of experience behind them. We have fifteen, sixteen, maybe seventeen. Not fair of those assholes to make us fight their wars."

She scowled and smacked my head, glaring coldly. "Just because you don't believe in respect doesn't mean you can do that around me. Now they'll think I've brought an asshole like you to Valhalla because I don't respect them."

I glared back, rubbing my head. "Oh, save it! I don't give a fuck! I never asked for any of this bullshit! I just wanted to die in peace and be left alone. I don't care about their war or anyone else's. This is my life. I choose to do with it whatever I want. Keep out of my shit. I don't want any part in your trashy high school fantasy novel, darling. Send me to Helheim and be done with me. I'd rather Hell than this shithole."

Samirah softened a little at my rage. She rubbed her arm and looked at me seriously, but kinda gently. "Look. I know you never chose this. But not everyone does. I'm not saying you have to enjoy being here. I'm saying you have to at least try to be here. If not, you can happily go to Helheim and live out your life protected by Hela's mercy. But if you do, think of the good you can do to the world by protecting it as an agent of peace and love. Maybe Asgard isn't as much love as Vanaheim, but you gotta try. Please? Just work with me here. Trust me."

I broke a little at her words. Those last two burned in my heart. I didn't want to, but what other choice did I have? It was her, or the rest of the einherjar, of whom I knew none. "O-Okay… Just don't make me a fool in front of them. Whether or not I stay in Valhalla, I want some kind of dignity to remain with me."

She nodded and smiled a tiny bit, as if she were trying to hide it from me. "That, I can do."

"Also, I never realized how dumb I was. Sorry."

Her face morphed into one of shock when she heard my words. "What?"

"I forgot that angels don't wear body armor."

Her shock turned into disgust and irritation within milliseconds. She turned her face to the skies and prayed helplessly, "Allah, give me the patience to deal with fool." I cackled at her despair.

As we continued to ascend, I felt awe fill my being. This wasn't the place that years of Marvel's Thor movies and sexy shots of Chris Hemsworth taught me. Asgard was a godly sight. Pun intended. I felt my eyes water and burn as I stared on. My heart ached with an unknown yearning to go there, to be among those people, to love them as I loved my friends. But I snapped out of it quickly. Very quickly. My mouth tasted bitter from the thought of forgetting (read: betraying) my darling friends for this city of fakers and assholes that only lived to keep me under their golden chains so I could be their wardog.

Samirah physically turned my head away from the golden city, keeping my eyes on her or the huge hall far away from the glittering gates. "Don't look too long. You'll go blind. But keep your eyes ahead. That's your new home now. Valhalla. Or, I hope it is."

I kept my eyes pressed against the chainmail on the back of her neck. I didn't want to look at that place. This wasn't my home, and the people within those walls weren't my family, no matter how much this chick wanted them to be. She only patted my hand when I clenched onto her shoulder plate with it. "It's okay. I'm here. Just stay with me, okay? I know you're scared. Trust me."

My head meekly nodded in quiet obedience. Why was I so soft so suddenly? I was sad. I was scared. I wanted my family. I wanted to go home. But where was my home? My real parents didn't want me. My new parents didn't need me. My friends can't keep me. What was home anymore? What was life anymore? How many licks are there at the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? Why was that owl such an asshole? Why was Samirah such an asshole? Why was I such an asshole? What is an asshole? All valid questions.

I stayed quiet, continuing my existential crisis until we entered the huge doors of the building. She flew down to the ground and let me stand on the floors as her cloud horse, which I hadn't noticed until then, flew away. She spoke to two huge burly guys standing behind a weird desk of sorts that was made from a longboat. They looked past her shoulder at me, seeming to judge my height and stature and build. I looked down and scowled, pulling at my disgusting bloodstained clothes. Well, ghost-blood. I was dead, so my body's natural, biological responses to being stabbed didn't apply anymore. (I didn't know whether or not to be upset about that.) Maybe that's why they were judging me. I was covered in ghost blood.

Samirah motioned me over, and I walked closer, standing as far from the huge dudes as I could while still standing near the Valkyrie. "So, what are we thinking? Magnus' floor? She could use some positive energy, right? And sunshine boy has plenty of that."

One of the guys, some dude whose name tag read Helgi, agreed in a gruff voice. "I mean, sure. She's his responsibility from there. I'm sick of babysitting these idiot teens. Hunding, remember how smart people their age were at our time? So mature and responsible and smart."

The guy beside him, Hunding, responded in an equally gruff tone. "Of course. We were raised well. Well, kind of. At least we had real work to do and not homework and papers to write. These children have it so easy nowadays. They are never physically or mentally challenged by their tasks. Unfortunately. Were it up to me, all of them would be doing real physical labor, working with complex ideas about infrastructure, and taking care of their families by themselves." I grinned. Perfect opportunity to show up another old, dumb person.

"And what the hell do you think we've been doing? Sure, we don't do as much physical labor as you guys did, but we're doing way more mentally challenging stuff. Like, could you explain to me how the cellular processes of photosynthesis and cellular respiration act as energy-coupled reactions that allow the photosynthetic organisms themselves and the secondary producers that consume them to live and adhere to the five aspects of life?" At their silent, confused, annoyed expressions, I claimed my victory. "Exactly. That's what I thought. So don't ever call our generation mentally unstimulated because seriously, we're doing harder stuff in this decade than humanity has had to do in the last few millennia of its existence."

Samirah snickered behind her hand as the two men grunted and shuffled in their spots, crossing their arms as beady little eyes glowered down at me with extreme distaste. "She definitely belongs with Magnus and his dumb crew. She's a real smart-ass. Real annoying too." The Valkyrie nodded, still chuckling secretly as she pulled me away from the desk, the key to some room clutched in her hand.

"That was funny. Not as funny as my half-sibling, but almost."

I pretended to bow deeply in appreciation of her praise, which made her roll her eyes again as the pulling resumed.

We walked through a bunch of huge hallways towards a set of elevators. We got onto the one that just reached this floor. The doors closed behind me as Samirah pushed a button to the nineteenth floor. I stared at the numerous buttons lining the wall of the elevator. "These guys are a bit much. Five-hundred and forty floors?"

She shrugged. "Gotta make space. We have a lot of warriors here. And there has to be enough doors to the Nine Worlds so the einherjar can get to the warzone efficiently. Hard to cram thousands of warriors into three elevators, ya know?"

"Fair enough." I smiled widely when Virelai's song, 'Nøkken' hit my ears. They're an amazing Danish folk group that sings all kinds of songs around Europe. I found them via YouTube, but their music is amazing wherever it's performed. I hummed along with the song and beamed at seeing Samirah tap her feet along with the beat. She looked at me in slight surprise. I shrugged my shoulders, winking playfully. "There's a lot about me that you don't know, sweetheart. I am an enigma of- WHOA!"

The teen laughed hard at my demise, smirking when I fell over after the elevator stopped suddenly. I glowered up at her from the floor. "Jerk."

She snorted and pulled me up, lugging me behind her as she stormed down the hall. "Shush. This is me being nice. If I really hated you, you'd have been dead for an hour by now."

I didn't let her see, but I swallowed a little. I decided to leave that threat remain a threat and accepted her mercy. She was definitely capable of whooping my ass. Girl had the muscles to prove it.

Samirah led me up to a room with my name on it. She handed me the key, which was actually a granite, domino-sized block with a weird symbol on it. It looked like a very pointy infinity symbol. Kinda cool.

"This is your key to your room. Touch the runestone to the door and it'll open."

I gazed at the beautiful cherrywood door with my name engraved in golden letters:

Pushpa Raghav

And below that was this sign:

ᛞ

I touched the key to the door and the symbol glowed green. When the door flew open like it was being shoved by some unseen force, I jumped back, almost crashing into Samirah. "Sorry! That just-"

She snickered. "I know. Just go in. I'll come get you later. Better yet? I'll tell your idiot floormates to visit, okay?"

I nodded my head and walked into the room, my eyes still following her helmet as she walked down to one of the other doors. I wanted to call out for her to stay so I could go into the room with some kind of support, but I knew she wouldn't do that. She wouldn't stay with me just so I could go into my own room with me because I was scared. Besides, what would I do once I had to come back here again? I had to go in alone. I had to at least try to be brave for my own sake.

So, I buried whatever fears, heartbreak, and weakness threatened to spill through my heart, lips, and eyes, and walked inside.

I couldn't breathe.

Imagine the presidential suite of the best hotel in existence. And then make that twenty times better. That's what this room was. It felt like that part in Princess Diaries when Anne Hathaway was walking through her new room and closet and stuff and was exploring the wealth and crazy awesomeness throughout. That was me for a solid ten minutes. I was so scared to touch anything because my brain thought it a mirage that would crumble if I dared to lay a hand on any of the items in the room. First order of business? Clothes. I refused to look like refuse in this fancy-ass place. So, I searched for the closet/wardrobe/clothes thing that was available to me. That took another ten minutes because I got lost four times trying to find that thing.

I pulled it open after finding it, only to see a bunch of different types of clothes of my favorite colors and styles. I grabbed a pair of skinny jeans, a graphic T-shirt with a snarky message on it, a matching plaid button-down, and some underwear. I rushed into the bathroom to strip down and wash myself.

I screamed in the hot shower.

It wasn't even that hot, but there were no words for how much the heat burned my skin. I turned it down to the lowest heat that I could feel without dying and washed myself thoroughly, rubbing off the scum and dirt and blood and grossness that came with being stabbed to death.

Do any of you watch those "Satisfying Video Compilations" on YouTube? Because I do. And the seeing all the dried blood and dirt flow into the drain off my skin was more satisfying than any of those compilations. No matter what anyone says.

Eventually, I climbed out of the shower feeling cleaner than a newborn's soul. It was glorious. I felt like Jesus had wiped away of all my sins, but I was Jesus. I wiped away my own sins. Weird comparison, I know. The bathroom was huge, by the way. Imagine a master bedroom in a half-mil house in the South. Fairly large, big space, nice windows and decoration and quite the view, right? The bathroom was that master bedroom, but with a huge five-foot-diameter jacuzzi tub, a rain shower covering two and a half square yards, multiple couches, several dressers, and a fairly large sink with cupboards and drawers underneath. There were also many different hooks and hanging storage options in the closet. The floor was mostly granite tiles around the water-susceptible areas with plush emerald carpet everywhere else. The walls glowed with gorgeous images of different biomes all over the world. Lush rainforests, icy tundras, burning deserts, wintry taigas, just to name a few.

I dried myself off with one of the nice white towels I found folded on the sink, and immediately after, pulled on my clothes with anxiety buzzing around in my bones.

I hurried out of the bathroom, hanging the towel on a convenient towel rack that stood beside the bathroom door. As soon as I was finished adjusting it (I would have lost my mind if it wasn't perfectly hung on the rod), someone knocked on my door. Since it got wet despite me tying it up before my shower, my hair was released from its scrunchie prison. I walked to the door and opened it, pulling it inwards like I remembered. Behind the door stood a blond-haired angelic man with nice gray eyes. I have to admit, I was close to shitting myself because he looked like he could kill me with just a look. He grinned and held out his hand. "Magnus Chase. Sam made me come and say hello. With a threat, but you know how that is."

I hesitantly, my hand quaking violently, shook his hand. It was strong, warm, as if he were made of sunlight and joy itself. He looked at me in amusement. "Are you scared of me?"

My lips didn't move until a moment later. "Y-Yeah. Um. You look like blond Jesus. What am I supposed to feel? Excited? Last I checked, people are scared of Jesus coming back, not happy."

He laughed and ran his fingers through his hair after pulling back his hand. "Don't let Alex hear you call me that. They won't leave it for a month. Evil creature, that one." Magnus crossed his arms and stepped aside, tilting his head towards his left side in a 'come hither' kind of gesture. Not wanting to disappoint or anger him, I quietly followed along after him, making sure the key was in my pocket before closing the door behind me. "So. New kid that died today?"

"How could you tell?"

Blond Jesus winked and snorted, walking slowly with me. "You're shivering like it's ten degrees in here. Chill out, man. Haha! See what I did there?"

I laughed and nodded, letting go of some of my nervous energy. "That was so bad. If Samirah heard that, she'd hit you."

"She already did. I said it one time around her boyfriend, and I believe her threat was, 'If you say that when Amir is around me ever again, I'll kill you, bring you back, and kill you again. Got it?' Safe to say, I didn't walk within five feet of her for the rest of the week."

I laughed a bit more. This guy was fucking great. I couldn't understand why I was so terrified of him originally, but then I remembered the feeling of his power. It radiated off of him like he was the Sun. Makes sense why it was so nice to be near him, but so scary as well. "So who's your dad?"

Magnus rubbed his face and smiled tiredly down at me. "Frey. God of Peace, Fertility, and the Seasons."

"Of course you are, Sunshine Boy. Sorry, sorry! Don't kill me, man! That's what Samirah called you!"

"Of course she did. You know your parent?"

I frowned and hugged my button-down tighter around me, shuffling my feet to get myself comfortable in the new shoes I was wearing. "No. I don't even know if I belong here. I didn't want to be. I just wanna go back to my family."

Magnus sighed wistfully, looking away into the distance with a sad gaze. "I know the feeling. When I first got here, I was so scared and sad. I lost my mom recently, and I couldn't mourn her properly after that because we were always on the run. Probably from those Norse monsters that want to kill me constantly. I only had my friends to rely on, and they were a huge help. Don't worry. You'll be fine here. And honestly, Sam's choices are never wrong. She brought you here, so you're probably meant to be here."

I shook my head and rubbed away the tears threatening to spill over my eyes. "No, Magnus. My family is my group of friends from high school. They're the only ones I can say that I truly love. My real family ditched me because I didn't fit in with their idea of a perfect Indian girl. Atheist, bisexual, independent. That's not what they liked, so they left. My foster parents are nice and the kids aren't too bad, but they don't love me. I know that. The kids only need me to make them food. The adults just need me to take care of the kids and keep them in line. I just am not a necessity in that home. My friends are the only ones that stuck with me from day one until day of the dead. I want them. Not anyone else. I wish I had someone else to go to, but I'm stuck here. I hoped I would at least be able to die peacefully without knowing I'd still have to do shit after life, but here I am. I don't want to fight in a war. I don't want to fight giant Norse monsters. I just want to sleep forever."

During my long, exhausting tirade, I had stopped walking to focus more on my words. At this point, my face was completely red and streaked with tears. I wasn't ugly crying, but I was so close to that. Magnus, like the angel he is, reached out and pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back gently. He felt like joy and nature and love and life itself, and I admit I kinda wanted to die like that, finally at peace with my own uncontrollable thoughts.

Too soon, he pulled away and looked at me with a kind, warm smile. I wanted to melt into my shoes, that's how amazing I felt. "No matter if you're alive or dead, they're still your friends. And if you want, we'll figure out some way to tell them how you're doing. Alright? I promise. It's hard being here with no one. But floor nineteen always is here. Even though the others didn't come out to say hey, we're here to help."

I rubbed away my tears and nodded, closing my eyes for a moment. I reopened them and tried my hardest to clear away any sign of a crying spell on my face. "Thanks, Magnus. You're the best."

He winked and patted my shoulder, almost dislocating it. "You know it. Come on. I think everyone's ready for dinner. The others will be down in a bit."

We got onto the elevator, Magnus hitting the button for the first floor again.

I want to say we rode in silence, but we didn't. I sang along with the elevator music again, which had Magnus beaming like an idiot. I know, I know. I realize that I just had that huge hero-worship moment a little while ago, but he really was smiling so weirdly and annoyingly, it was getting on my nerves. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I squinted at him and crossed my arms. "What are you smiling at?"

He shook his head, laughing. "Nothing. You have a nice voice. I was thinking, maybe you're the child of Bragi? God of music and stuff, I think. I hear he's super cool."

"Maybe? I'm not that talented, though. And I would say my literary ability is slightly above average. Nothing that would merit godly parentage."

"I dunno, that sounded pretty literary to me."

"That's because you probably read at a second grade level, dude. Don't look at me."

He inhaled with a hiss, snickering at my jab. "Oooh. What would Alex say about this?"

We stepped out of the elevator and came into contact with a pink and green person. Okay, so the person wasn't literally pink and green, but that was their style. Pink and green checkered vest with green skinny jeans and pink vans. The person had really fluffy pink hair and heterochromia. But their facial features were very non-distinct, almost both genders at the same time. Before I could ask them any questions, Cosmo-and-Wanda grinned at Magnus and moved in, hugging Blond Jesus tightly. Magnus hummed and pulled back, rubbing the person's back as they gazed at each other with intimate affection. I stepped a few paces back and looked around, trying to not feel like I walked into these two fucking on the elevator.

They talked for a bit before Cosmo-and-Wanda stepped away from Magnus. Blond Jesus blushed pink like a schoolboy, lacing fingers with their obvious partner. "Sorry. This is Alex Fierro, my partner. Alex, this is… uh…"

I smiled nervously and scratched the back of my neck, squinting at Magnus. "Didn't even ask my name. Rude. Pushpa. Or just call me Flo."

He quickly shook his head and stared at me, an eyebrow raised. "That nickname makes so much sense."

"Thanks. Pushpa means flower in Sanskrit. Well, in most Indian languages. So, I asked people to call me Flower instead. Because you know, kids be assholes and making fun of everyone's name. Flower worked, but it was too long. So I changed it to Flo."

Alex snickered behind their hand. "Flo from Progressive?"

I grinned and high-fived them, my face almost tearing in half from the sudden bond we shared because of our humor. "You're a deity among foolish mortals."

Alex looked at Magnus with a smirk. "Why can't you call me stuff like that?"

My poor buddy looked exasperated with both of us. "Because I know you're not a deity, you're a dumbass, and-"

"Says the dumbass, babe."

Magnus scowled deeper. "I hate you sometimes."

"Lies. All lies."

I laughed and leaned against the wall for some support. "You guys are adorable."

Alex looked at Magnus with that lovey-dovey expression again. "Magnus, she's perfect. Get out of my life."

Magnus looked so offended, I was going to die of laughter. I think I did for a second there. Alex beamed and pulled me up off the floor, an arm around my shoulders. "Nice to meet you, Flo. Name's Alex."

I looked at them and raised an eyebrow hopefully. "Non-binary?"

"Yep."

"I know you have your real name and shit, but can I call you Alex Fieri?"

Alex looked at Magnus with another grin. "Fucking awesome. This one's great, Magnus. She better stay on our floor."

Magnus threw his arms up and walked away, complaining about both of us the entire time he walked to his table. Alex just winked at me, smirking devilishly. "So, tiny."

"I'm five-foot-four, dude. Not that tiny."

"Tiny to me. Shhh. So who's your parent?"

I sighed and shrugged. "No idea."

"Ooooh! Mysterious, I like it! We'll figure out who it is. Don't worry."

I pouted, pulling my hair up into a cascade braid to keep it out of my face and to keep my hands occupied. "Worrying is literally in my DNA, guys. Can't avoid it. Anyways, enough talk about my existence, how about yours? Who's your parent?"

Alex bit their lip and squeezed my shoulder a moment before letting go. "Loki."

I nodded. "And you don't like that because he's going to bring about Ragnarok and destroy everything?"

They looked at me and rolled their eyes, sarcastically exclaiming, "No! Of course not! I just hate that he's such a prankster!"

My hands flew up in surrender, and I tried to smile as gently as possible. "Hey, hey, it's okay. Look, I know you're upset. You have every right to be. I just…I can't help but feel some remorse for the guy. I can't excuse him being a total jerk, but I can't ignore the stuff he's gone through. Lost his kids to his own king. Four of them. I mean, that's harsh. You gotta admit at least that, right?"

"So because he's a victim he gets to be an asshole?"

"Not what I said, preciose. I'm saying that he can't be completely blamed for everything. Taking away someone's kids takes a toll on them. I can't say I know exactly how that feels, but I at least know that it breaks a person's mind. Loki's actions are partly by circumstance and partly by his choices."

They huffed and looked straight ahead, eyes colder now than before. I rested a hand on their shoulder. "Alex. You can still understand a person and denounce their actions and behavior. There's nothing wrong with that. Frankly, that's superior to just hating on someone because you can."

"Hard to let go of grudges, Flo. Real hard. Loki's done some unforgivable things. He's going to destroy everything. You can't put out the flames this time."

I sighed and shrugged, tucking my hands into my pockets. "Well, all of my words are coming from a proud pacifist. If I can, I want to avoid war, buddy. I hate the idea of war. No one should have to fight for any reason at all."

"So what are you gonna do? You can't avoid this one."

"I'll do something. Anything. Alex, I don't believe in war. It's not a necessary fact of life. You all are here to fight, and if it comes to it, you'd give your lives to end Ragnarok. I'd give my life to keep peace. To prevent Ragnarok. That's what I believe in. And I'll be damned if I won't try some outlandish bullshit to stop Ragnarok altogether. Sure, the Fates tell us our destiny, but I don't believe in that shit. I make my own destiny, and if no one's coming with me, I'll do it myself, for the better of everyone else."

Alex softened as I explained my thoughts. They patted my shoulder and chuckled, punching it playfully. "Either you're a kid of Frey, the kid of Thor, or the kid of some good fucking parents. Because that was a good speech, girl."

I giggled and bumped shoulders with them, looking away shyly when Alex sat with Magnus again and began flirting once more. A few others joined the table. A huge, muscular dude that looked like he actually ate nails for breakfast sat beside Magnus and set his war-ax on the ground. A redhead girl who looked like she could shatter reality itself with nothing but her glare sat beside Alex. A cute as hell African-American guy who carried an old musket with him sat beside me. Two others joined the table, an older African-American who looked a bit short for his muscular build, and a tree of a man, very pale and very soft-looking. They sat down close together, shoulders and hands brushing.

Magnus grinned and greeted all of his other tablemates. "Hey, guys. We have a new kid on the floor. Flo, wanna introduce yourself?"

I bit my lip nervously and looked at the golden god for some reassurance. He just grinned at me and nodded. I turned to everyone and waved, feeling my entire body shiver as if it were cold. "H-Hey, guys. Um. I'm Pushpa Raghav, but you guys can call me Flo. Yes, like Flo from Progressive. Born in India, raised in the States. Trilingual-ish. Um. I came in today. That's pretty much it. I have two human parents, so I don't know if that works? But uh. Yeah."

The kid with the musket held out his hand with a bright smile. God, he was adorable. "Thomas Jefferson, Jr. Nice to meet you! My dad is Tyr, God of War." I shook his hand and almost felt him shatter some bones when I pulled back too quickly. The guy beside Magnus patted my shoulder and almost dislocated it again.

"Halfborn Gunderson. Viking." I smiled as friendly as I could, but with the pain blooming throughout my arm, it was hard.

I raised an eyebrow at his name. "Seems kinda mean. Calling you half-born. They called you a monster?"

He grinned and shrugged his massive shoulders, winking at me. "Meh. They tried. But they're unimportant, and I'm a warrior in Valhalla. Who really lost?"

"Touché."

The girl behind Thomas Jefferson, Jr. smiled and shook my hand. "Mallory Keen. Daughter of Frigg."

I beamed and shook her hand back, almost glowing at seeing the smile on her pretty face. "Clearly. Prettiest one here."

Magnus huffed and Halfborn snorted loudly. "I'm the prettiest one here," grumbled the son of Frey.

"Don't be a little bitch, Magnus. And don't lie to yourself."

Everyone at the table 'OOOOHHHHH'd like a bunch of high-school assholes, which was fun. Alex fell off their chair from laughing too hard. "GET FUCKIN' WRECKED, MANGO."

I laughed too, dying at the nickname. "MANGO?!"

Eventually, we calmed down. And by we, I mean everyone except the guys who showed up last. They weren't laughing at all. The African-American man grinned and shook my hand. "Blitzen. Son of Freya. This is Hearthstone. He speaks ASL, Alf Sign Language. Deaf-mute. I'll translate for you."

I grinned. "For the complicated stuff." I turned to Hearthstone and waved. He smiled shyly and waved back. I began signing what bit of normal American Sign Language that I knew.

My name is P-U-S-H-P-A o-r F-L-O.

Hearthstone smiled a tiny bit more, signing back a Hello! My name is H-E-A-R-T-H-S-T-O-N-E. Blitzen stepped in and translated the next bit for Hearthstone. "You can also call me Hearth. You have a beautiful name. Pushpa is prettier than Flo."

I giggled and signed back, Thank you, Hearth.

Hearthstone was smiling and signing secretly to Blitzen, his eyes bright and hand motions really frantic. My smile melted, and I thought I'd offended them, but then I realized that the two were actually happy.

Magnus followed my line of sight with a smile and chuckle. I heard him laugh and quickly turned to look at him. "Hearth is happy that someone besides just me and Blitz knows ASL. You said you're trilingual, right? Maybe you wanna learn ASL? So you can understand him better?"

I nodded. "I don't mind learning another one. I was in the process of learning Danish, but dying gets in the way of that, so it sucks."

"I can teach you some if you want."

"Sure! If I'm even staying, that is."

Just as Magnus was opening his mouth to continue the conversation, everyone was called to attention, and the newcomers were asked to sit at a different table. I frowned, seeing my hands shaking pathetically, violently. Magnus walked to me and gripped my hands in both of his, looking seriously at my face. His expression softened when he saw how hard I was clinging onto his hands as well. He smiled warmly, and I felt light and heat and love envelop me like a nice blanket, keeping out the dark thoughts. He spoke softly in my ear. "I'm the son of a god whose main job is maintaining seasons. You're feeling under the weather, Flo. Just relax. Accept the light. You'll be alright." He let go after a few seconds, and I mustered enough strength to stand and walk to the newbies' table on my own. Everyone there looked just as scared as I was. One guy was literally crying.

My maternal instincts flared up at the sight of tears, and I couldn't stop myself from comforting this stranger. Almost immediately, I found myself sitting at his side, trying to help him calm down. I had a hand on his shoulder and another on his face, making him look up at me. I felt my breath stop in my throat. He was angelic. That was my least favorite part about this place. Everyone was fucking beautiful.

This crying angel, despite his ugly tears, was so perfect. His hair was a weird silvery-gray, making me think he dyed it for the Instagram likes. His eyes were a deep, endless ocean blue. In fact, that's a lie. They kept changing to different shades of blue, like the Atlantic itself was in his eyes. His skin was icy white, as if he was born in the snow. (That last idea made me think of frostbite, and my brain shut down to turn off that train of thought.) He was built like the traditional Germanic, manly man. Tall, strong stature, just enough muscle to not look like he shoots steroids every Friday night. Even his facial features were perfect. Everything was chiselled to a curved point. Beautiful man. More than anything I'd ever seen before.

He sniffled and rubbed at his face, still shaking from his sobs. I cooed gently and petted his hair, marvelling at the fluffy texture. He leaned into my hand and mumbled soft apologies. "Hey, hey, honey, it's okay. It's alright. I know you're scared. We all are. It's just how things are here. You'll be okay. Hey, if you're going to Helheim, you'd best believe I'll go with you. We're in it together, okay?"

I heard the beginnings of that musical theatre song about high school drama coming from across the room and glared it down immediately, squinting as hatefully as I could at that person.

This poor, crying man did not need that right now. Okay, fine. He wasn't exactly a man, but he was still crying. This crying teenager needed emotional support.

The guy calmed down after a few minutes and smiled at me sweetly, eyes almost glowing with joy when he had gotten out his last few tears. "Spasiba. Not common that I cry like this in public," he told me honestly. I cried internally when I heardhis beautifully deep voice. He had such a mesmerizing tambour to his tone that had me melting into my shoes. Even his accent was gorgeous. It had a fairly heavy Russian accent, with all of its curling R's and looping L's.

In an attempt to snap myself out of my stupor, I rolled my shoulders and sat back more comfortably, resting my hands on my lap. "Everyone's got their reasons for crying. None of us are in the position to judge you."

He held out his hand to me as he laughed. "Alexei Volka Lagunov. A pleasure. You are?"

I yelped when I realized that everyone was becoming silent. I looked around and saw some old guys standing up to introduce themselves to us newbies. Alexei whined a little and poked my arm to make me shake his hand. I shushed him, to which he huffed childishly and swore in my ear that he'd figure out my name eventually. I admit, it was kinda hot.

There were only three others at the table besides Alexei and I, so the chances were high that I'd get picked out among the five of us to talk first or whatever. Why? I was the only brown person in the entire group.

"We extend a warm welcome to our new warriors and hope to soon see their accomplishments. First warrior! Helga Schmidt! Let us see your achievement!"

A screen showed up kinda out of nowhere and a video of the blonde girl at the table, Helga, began to play. She was in an alleyway, fighting some kind of armed robber guy. Only after a few minutes of the showdown did all of us in the audience realize that there was a naked girl shivering behind her in what was likely Helga's jacket. A rape case…harsh. But very valiant for Helga to save that girl. She didn't have a weapon in her hand most of the time, only threatening the rapist with pepper spray, but at the last minute, she grabbed an old rusted knife from the floor next to the brick wall and stabbed the guy with it a bunch of times, only for him to shoot her in the stomach as a last minute effort to take her down with him.

Everyone in the audience clapped at the end of the video, but the girl wasn't feeling the love.

Helga looked around nervously, eyes avoiding everyone else's. We locked eyes for only but a moment. "Helga Schmidt, do you know your parentage?" came the question from one of the old guys. I think I even spotted Davy Crockett at the old guys' table.

The girl nodded shyly. "Tyr… God of War?"

Everyone beat their weapons onto the floors or tables or their hands in loud approval.

"Fight well, Helga, and you will be honored in the highest! You are blessed by your father's power and wit! Destroy your enemies and from that comes your honor! Tomorrow, your powerful hands will be cut off as a show of your strength!" Helga looked woozy, almost turning green at the thought. I reached across the table to her. She at first ignored me, but grasped my hand after a few seconds, looking at me desperately. I smiled as reassuring-ly as I could, rubbing her knuckles in a gentle manner. "It's okay, honey. It's alright. Just relax."

The old guy seemed to really dislike my kindness and gentle disposition, so he announced in that annoying tone that I would be next. "Pushpa Raghav! Strange to see an Indian among us after so many years. You shall be seen next! What were your achievements?"

I winced, whipping my head towards the screen in horror. I saw myself and nearly cried at the sight of my old school. I held in my sobs and looked down so no one would see. I'd already embarrassed myself enough today by showing affection and being compassionate, the opposite of what these guys did. I couldn't do that to myself again.

My curiosity outweighed my fear, so I peeked at the screen through my fingers, staring on quietly as the events of my death were replayed. This time, it was from a third-person point of view.

I saw myself get dragged out of my classroom. What I didn't see then was visible now. Some of my classmates, even my teacher, reached out for me as I was being pulled away. I came into the hallway, and the rage turned on. I saw an ugly version of myself. I saw a me where I was so much more angry than I ever thought possible. I saw my hands move like I remembered from those self-defense lessons in karate. I saw my hand grab the back of the guy's head and sneer something in his face. I saw my arm smash his head into the wall so many times that by the end of it, his skull was imploded. I felt bile rise in my throat. I felt my hands start to shake. I wanted to stop watching, but I couldn't. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I saw my hand grab at his collar and drag him out to the main entrance of the school with a gun in my hand. I saw where all of the police officers were waiting to see if the intruders would come out. Again, I saw something now that I didn't notice before: the offices' staff's horrified expressions at seeing me get stabbed by the guy's accomplice, who attacked from behind. I saw some of the staff scream and cry and reach for me through the doors, too scared to move any closer or exit the safety of their offices.

I saw myself fall against the wall, and all my friends came to surround me. I saw some of them fall asleep with their heads on my lap as my last breath left my body. I saw them screaming and crying and pounding their fists into the walls as I passed. I saw them raging at everyone because no one stopped me from doing what I did, because no one stopped those intruders from doing what they did.

I then saw spots in my vision as my heart pounded, and as my ears deafened. Alexei grasped me in a hug, trying his hardest to keep me grounded. I felt myself cry into his shoulder as everyone cheered me on for my destruction of that guy. They enjoyed the violence. I wanted to kill myself for ever doing that to another human. Alexei seemed to understand. He pressed my face into his neck and kissed my head awkwardly, as if he'd never done this before.

I pulled back quickly, thanking him with a smile as I tried to keep down my tears and pathetic-ness. I couldn't keep embarrassing myself.

The old guys seemed to approve of my methods. "A gun in her hand as she died. Not the most preferable weapon, but a good one nonetheless," commented Helgi.

"Do you know your parentage?" asked the old guy who'd been announcing everything up until now.

"No, sir, I do not," I called out over my tearful voice. The old guys preened a little at the respect. I couldn't help it. I reverted to my meek, Southern-raised, Indian-grown self when scared of authority figures.

"Will the Vala please come forth and tell us this one's parentage?"

An old lady came towards me and watched my face curiously. She held in her hand a bunch of stones, like the key-card to my room. I hoped she wasn't giving me another room just to tell me my parent. I liked my room.

She mumbled something under her breath and threw the stones onto the ground. Some were face down, some were face up. One began to glow brightly, sending red and blue magic around the room in coils of light. A holographic image grew from the stone. It looked like a broken F.

ᚠ

Everyone seemed really upset about that. The old guy huffed and nodded, relenting to fate, I guess. "Frey! Another child of Frey! Child, I do not understand your parentage, nor your past. But you are welcomed by Valhalla. You are one of the einherjar, no matter the confusion surrounding your lineage. Your actions do not mirror that of a warrior, but a healer. A protector of the good, not a fighter of the evil. Nonetheless, you are accepted and blessed. Tomorrow, you will be blunted in honor of your past and future victory over your enemies. Blessed be Frey!"

I locked eyes with Magnus, who frowned like I did. We agreed to speak about this further after this dinner and stuff. What the hell was going on?

Alexei looked at me with a peculiar smile. "Only the God of Summer would go to India for some fun."

Despite the terror in my soul and the confusion in my mind, I still laughed at his little jokes.

He smiled at my joy and shared it with me for the few moments before he held onto my hand for his own comfort when his time came. I didn't know how to react after seeing the video. It truly was a show of how horrible people can be.

Alexei didn't let go of my hand long after the video had ended. I couldn't blame him. I needed his hand too. It was insane, seeing him go through that. Pretty much, Alexei had been living as an orphan and possible recruit for the Russian military, but he couldn't leave his little sister to fend for herself as he left for training. One of the officers who knew him from when Alexei was working as an errand-boy in Kazan promised to take care of Alexei's sister while he left for training. The poor guy came back home to find the officer raping his sister. In an understable blind rage, he brutally murdered the officer, only for the officer's superiors to come after Alexei to kill him for that officer's death. Alexei fought bravely, but the others outnumbered him twelve to one and he got shot to death.

I still had a hard time processing the idea of those jackasses defending a man who raped a thirteen-year-old girl. I wondered if they maybe had judged Alexei too quickly, but he explained that they knew about the rapes and some of them participated in it too, taking advantage of his sister whenever they liked. He caught up on the news in Russia as soon as he got into his room, so he could check up on his sister. He was heartbroken to hear that the other officers hurt his sister too, but was overjoyed that the whole lot of them were getting life in prison for raping a minor.

Dinner began a few minutes later. I walked back to Floor Nineteen's table, Alexei and I still gripping onto each other's hands for comfort. He smiled at the others nervously. "H-Hi, I'm… uh…"

That pulled a laugh out of me for some reason. Alexei pouted at that, but smiled still.

Alex Fieri scowled. "Two Alex's at the same table? It's more likely than you think."

We all howled.

Alexei shrugged. "As a Russian man, I have many nicknames. Pick of them what you will."

I smirked, poking his cheek with my free hand. "How about Alyoshenka?"

He looked at me, a strong eyebrow raised in confusion. "You speak Russian?"

"Just a little, lyubov." I winked at him, and he flushed a delightful scarlet.

"I hate you."

"Then let go of my hand, Alyoshenka."

"No."

"Stupid."

"Says the girl who gets a crush on a guy she met five minutes ago."

I smiled calmly and punched him in the throat. "Crush? More like crush your throat!"

I high-fived Halfborn, who laughed so hard, I think one of his lungs exploded.

Hearth was snorting into his scarf while Blitzen rubbed his temples in irritation, scowling at us like we were a bunch of stupid kids, which we were. "Why must I be here?"

"Because you want to be, Blitz. Don't lie," teased Magnus. This made the short man huff and roll his eyes.

"Unfortunately." He looked back at Hearth, who giggled and signed something to his boyfriend excitedly. Blitzen laughed and nodded, leaning in to pat Hearth's back. "Whatever you say, buddy. Magnus, you gonna ask more about your new sister? Don't exclude her."

Magnus threw his arms up in exasperation. "What are we even doing here? Is today Hate on Magnus Day?!"

"Yes," came Alex's cocky response. Magnus glared at his partner, but shut his mouth before turning to me.

"You wanna tell us something? How come your parents are human but the Vala just said you're a child of Frey?" he pointed out. I couldn't think of a response quickly. So, I scoured through my memories to see if there was any possible indication of me having a godly parent.

I couldn't think of anything, except one instance in elementary school. I had been living in Georgia for more than ten years at that point, and I'm Indian, so I'm used to the heat. One day, it was really hot. As in, the teachers forced us to put on sunscreen before leaving the building so none of us would get hurt. We had Field Day, so everyone was around playing games and stuff. I was playing some game with one of my best friends in school, some kind of ring toss or something. We won the game and high-fived hard because we were so excited and happy to win. My friend screamed in extreme pain after the high-five. I couldn't understand why she was screaming so loud. The slap of our palms hurt my hand too, but not that bad. A moment later, I smelled what I now recognize as burning flesh. The girl showed me her hands, crying like a newborn. They were burned badly. I screamed loudly and pulled her by her shoulders to go get the teacher. The poor girl had to go to the hospital. None of us could understand why she was injured like that. It remained a mystery for so many years.

She later told me in middle school that she thought it was me burning her. I couldn't understand that. She stopped being my friend in the December of seventh grade.

I explained this entire set of memories and ideas to my new friends and waited for their reactions. Blitzen pursed his lips and thought to himself quietly. Magnus frowned and looked at my hands, examining them with a careful eye. Mallory even checked out my hands to see if they could tell her anything. Hearth started signing frantically at Magnus, the blond teen only responding to the hand motions with little nods and hums of agreement. After they were done talking, Magnus told me what Hearth had hypothesized.

"Hearth is saying he thinks that hand-burning might be because of fire magic or something like that. Frey is the God of peace and good weather. My powers are kind of like that too. The healing, middle-man, balanced kind of stuff. Stuff that implies peace and centering. Maybe you're the opposite. You already have a pretty volatile emotional state. That probably is because of your powers. Maybe they're like fire and ice or something? Like, if I'm the moderate middle, you're the severe extremes of the spectrum. That could explain why your friend got burned. Your hands caught fire or heated up severely, and her skin got damaged. I haven't seen the ice stuff yet, but that's a possibility. Remember, this is all just a hypothesis. We don't know any of this for sure."

My hands rubbed together to try and rid themselves of the cold in the vast space of the dining area. "If so, then why do I have two human parents?"

Magnus shrugged. "My cousin's boyfriend, Percy Jackson had a situation like that. His mom was human, his dad was Poseidon, Greek God of the Ocean. His mom married this ugly troll of a guy that was so repulsive and smelly that his mere existence in the home masked Percy's demigod scent from monsters. Maybe Frey did that to you? Kept you hidden away with a human family so you'd be hidden."

"Yeah, well, my childhood biological mom only married my childhood biological dad. She never had sex out of marriage. No Indian woman of her age or upbringing would. She definitely wasn't my real mother, then."

"Well, maybe your mom is just out there, waiting for you to come back. The gods are kinda dumb and illogical sometimes, but they generally do want the best for their kids."

I shrugged, wiping my hands down my face to clear my thoughts and refocus. "Just tell me what happens now. I'll worry about family and shit later."

He grinned. "Now? We eat dinner."