Disclaimer: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle belongs to CLAMP! (=not me.)
Spoiler warning: Check your memory. Nothing further than last time.
Author's Note: I'm sorry, but please forget anything I said about Infinity! I thought I knew what that was to be about, but then I had to change it, reverse it, mix it and mess it and perform magic tricks to dodge as much of the PP as I could. I suppose it's more consistent this way; another way would be to insert a flashback, but I didn't want (am I starting to evaluate? Urgh, stay away evil IB/MYP habits…). Done? Okay, now you may proceed… ;D
Yuui closed his eyes and buried his face in the pillow. Wrapping his arms around his head, he attempted to isolate himself from the surroundings, currently limited to a cozy chamber patterned with dim spots of light cast by the timid moon. But no matter how scrupulously he analysed the state of his body and mind in search for traces of drowsiness that could enfold him like a soft blanket, Yuui wouldn't fall asleep. He'd forgotten how to sleep, just like he'd forgotten the physical warmth and comfort his exhausted body could now feel. Only that the outward security appeared meaningless, if not wrong, in the face of his mind and soul's state.
There was that burning emptiness everywhere around him, and that relentless throb in him. With each beat of his heart Yuui realised anew the inconceivably horrible truth. Fai wasn't there, Fai's heart was still and silent while he lay somewhere in the cold, glass coffin, too lifeless to be sensed and too far away to be hugged. Worse even, it was Yuui's own fault that his brother couldn't rediscover warmth and softness, taste and touch, and above all care, even though he deserved it.
Yuui had his hair cut, and then he'd let those gasping people with aghast but compassionate faces wash him, dress him up, comb his now strangely short strands and give him food he'd found himself unable to eat. After that first evening and night he'd lay in bed, feverish, and sometimes he'd think it was, after all, the same, but it wasn't. He was lonelier than ever before and deprived even of faint consciousness of Fai's presence. Though on the other, there was someone by his side – the king who'd taken them both away would come and place his palm on Yuui's forehead, and assure him it would be all right, however obvious it was that it wouldn't. Later Yuui would observe his broken nails and torn fingers heal, and his wrinkled skin gradually smoothen as he was slowly recovering. It brought him hardly any contentment, however, since with his recuperation he was becoming unlike Fai, whose fatigued figure couldn't be restored to health.
Among the vague recollections of his early childhood, the moment when they'd found out about how identical they'd been was distinctly engraved in Yuui's memory. It'd been okay to be the same as Fai. The image of them both standing hand in hand in front of the mirror had supported him in the valley. His twin's death had transformed it into a haunting nightmare. Together with those few things that had ever been okay, their sameness was gone and forever lost, leaving merely a wistful remembrance.
Yet even though he was aware of that, Yuui felt he must've subconsciously expected mirrors to continue showing him Fai, given the shock which struck him when he faced his own reflection for the first time.
The image was fairly dissimilar to how Fai appeared when Yuui stared at him through layers of chilly water. In a way, it highly resembled the one from that memorable day, but for some undefined, disturbing detail in the appearance Yuui couldn't exactly grasp despite the certainty it hadn't been there before. Rapidly it seemed almost as if the effect of those draining years in the valley had disappeared, as if he might finally live freely.
But he knew it wasn't so. Because it couldn't be so for Fai.
At that thought he noticed a change in the likeness's face and suddenly understood what the unfamiliar countenance was.
It was guilt.
A recurrence of strong denial swept over Yuui when he realised that the face he'd wanted to see as Fai's was tainted with a guise of fault. He'd been hoping he would manage to lock in what he'd done and what he was still to do instead of carrying his curse openly for everyone to see.
Besides, even though he wasn't able to become like Fai, Yuui longed to throw away, along with his name, anything that defined him as himself, for he, Yuui, was the one who brought unhappiness and despair, betrayal and death. He didn't want it anymore.
He shook his head ferociously to erase that expression and blinked in attempt to fight away all the shame and remorse, and then glanced back at the mirror.
What he now saw was a stranger with a look of indifference in his features. This lasted only a little while before the guilt surfaced again, yet Yuui thought he knew the likeness's name, the name he was to be known under.
Fai Fluorite.
Perhaps, he pondered, such a tribute was better than none. He'd make the effort of maintaining that illusion, both as concealment and as a way of preserving Fai's name as the name of a living person.
Although growing apart from his once-identical twin hurt Yuui, in time the act was becoming increasingly easy, almost natural. Soon, he learned how to improve it further with a smile. It wasn't much, in truth, to raise the corners of his mouth and squint slightly; but what really mattered was the entirely new and amazing concept that he might be capable of inducing happiness in others, even if he himself couldn't stand the sight of his beaming mask and needed to restrain the urgent impulse to smash a mirror whenever he faced it. He'd go, as soon as possible, to look at Fai resting on the other side of a shiny surface of glassy water.
When the long-foretold journey finally began, in spite of the turmoil in Yuui's heart it all became yet easier, as he was coping with people who were unaware of who he was and what he'd left behind. Only accidentally would he glance into a mirror and stifle a touch of remorse at the thought of Fai with the conviction that he was doing his best to return the stolen life.
But suddenly something started to change. Yuui found himself smiling out of sheer enjoyment and in moments of forgetfulness being glad about the company of those people. There was a steady, restless shift occurring deep within Yuui and when he realised just how important they'd become, it was too late. Nevertheless, he still believed that despite the increasing fear of their unavoidable hatred his heart wouldn't forget who its most precious person was.
And then there came that bout of sharp pain and bitter loss, when he was struggling, with every breath, on the verge of falling into irreversible nothingness. All Yuui was able to comprehend was that he couldn't, at any cost, let those whom he was bound to betray sacrifice themselves to save his cursed life.
What he failed to understand at that moment, however clear it would appear later, was that this was also a betrayal in itself – and once again it was a betrayal of Fai. For that reason he felt unable to bring himself to confront the image which had always not only reminded him of his vows, but in addition still held detectable resemblance to his twin.
Indeed it fell upon him with little warning, and the sight exceeded his worst anticipations. In the smooth plane there was a reproduction of the room, but it was empty, with no sign of anyone. Overcoming his shocked stupor, Yuui hesitantly approached, his eye riveting on the mirror, and touched the cold plane.
No one. The illusion had died, and that was what he'd become – a pitiful no one with a single eye clenched in unbearable hurting, wondering why nothing, nothing could have ever turned out all right, and how he could possibly have come to that point.
A point at which his life was too pathetic even for a mirror to concern itself with.
Author's Note: Surprise?
I was much happier with the first part… I'm already repeating myself and I can't even write proper angst T-T
Anyway… please review?
It was said that the first part stood pretty well as a one-shot. That is okay, because the actual idea was to make it a pair of one-shots, or something like that, only connected (as I hope they are) by a common motif (I take it you can tell which motif - otherwise my failure is complete...)
By the way, it's a sort of a surprise for me which stories of mine are occasionally read. There are two, let's say, the most popular, and I'm not sure they're my favourite ones… Though naturally it doesn't matter, it's just another pointless comment on my side :D
All of you whom I know about, thank you for support and please feel greeted. Anyone else, let me know you're there and you'll be automatically included :)
It's just nice to be told, from time to time, that I could be right ;P
Thanks to Miss Yue for beta-reading!
I tak oto lustrzana historyjka dobiega końca… Miło było Was poznać ^^ Biedny Yuui nie może spać, ale panna kimonka może i zamierza!