The Remy LeBeau Institute for the Romantically Challenged
Lesson 3
The Joyous Union of Fio and Pyro
Remy: Welcome back Mes Ami's!
Lance: God, not again...
Pietro: Where's Eden?
Scott: Leave Sparky alone Speedy!
BAMPH!
Kurt: Hello everyone! The fuzzy one has arrived!
Lance: Where's Pyro?
(Remy jerks his head towards a box in the corner. In big black letters on the box is: PYRO IS NOT IN HERE FIORA!)
Scott: Like that's going to work Pyro.
Pyro: (from inside box) SHHHHH! You never know where she'll pop up next!
Kurt: I think Pyro's terrified of her...
Lance: Loser. Scared of a girl....
Scott: Knock it off Alvers!
Lance: Make me Shades!
Scott: Wanna go?
(Scott leaps out of his chair and puts his hand on his glasses)
Lance: Let's go Mr. Sunglasses at Night. I owe you for destryoing my Kitty Shrine...
Kurt: That was me moron.
Lance: Don't care....
(Jean, Eden and Kitty enter the room)
Jean: Scott! Stop! Logan hath expressly forbid this brandying in Xavier Institute rooms!
Eden: What the hell?
Jean: Sorry, I had to read Romeo and Juliet for school. Scott, you know Logan said if we blow out one more wall we'll all have a double danger room session with him.
Scott: (still ready to blast Lance) So?
Kitty: Like, it'll be run by Mr. Logan himself.
Scott: Oh. Maaaaan (sits back down)
Eden: Where's Pyro?
Remy: In de box. (points to box)
Eden:(rolls her eyes) Brilliant Pyro. She definitely won't find you in there
Pyro: (still in box) She won't find me if you idiots would stop talking to me!
Kitty: (giggling) That's Pyro, Master of Disguise!
Lance: What about me Pretty Kitty?
Kitty: You? Try the Master of Disaster.
Jean: Ha ha! Good one Kitty.
Lance: Shut up Red!
Scott: DON'T YOU TALK TO MY WOMAN LIKE THAT!
Lance: What are you gonna do about it?
Kitty: THIS!
(Kitty phases through the floor so she's right behind Lance and uses a pair of scissors to hack off his mullet)
Lance: MY MULLET! WHAT DID YOU DO??
Scott: Kurt, may I have your assistance?
(Kurt teleports Lance and Scott outside. Everyone else rushed to the windows to watch. Lance tries to rock the world but is blasted into a tree by Scott's optic blast. Kurt teleports Scott back into the room)
Jean: My hero......
Remy: Merde...
Kitty: What did you, like, do to him?
Scott: He's out cold. Hopefully for a few hours.
Remy: *curses in french*
Pietro: So.....Eden..... What you doin?
Eden: Ewwwww.
Kitty: Awwwww. So cute!
Eden: EW! No it's not!
Jean: Yes it is!
Remy: ENOUGH! Red, you partner Shades. Kitty, you partner with Speedy, Petite, you partner with the Elf.
Eden: YES!
Kurt: That was a little TOO happy.....
(Eden glomps Kurt)
Pietro: DIE ELF! YOU STOLE MY WOMAN!
Eden: In your dreams Pietro.
Kurt: Hey man, Remy paired us up...
Pietro: (grumbling) He better not lay a hand on my woman...
Eden: I'M NOT YOUR WOMAN!
Pietro: Not yet.
Eden: NOT EVER!
(Jean and Scott are already making out)
Kitty: Like.... ew!
Pyro: (from box) What's going on?
Remy: Fio's here!
Pyro: (pokes head out of box) AHHHHHHHH!
Remy: Just kidding. (Looks at watch and says to himself) Hmmmm they must be running late...
Eden: Who?
Remy: No one... Hey! Where's my Chere?
Pietro: Not here. Duh.
Kurt: I'll be back.
BAMPH! (Kurt disappears)
Kitty: Like, Rogue's gonna be pissed...
Remy: Why? You know she loves me.
Pietro: Yeah, like the flu.
BAMPH! (Kurt reappears with an angry Rogue, who's also holding a newspaper page)
Remy: Chere!
Rogue: Moron!
Kurt: Sis!
Rogue: I'M NOT YOUR SISTER!
Kurt: Sure you are. Mystique gave birth to me and adopted you. That makes you my sister.
Rogue: (cursing under her breath) That *bleeping* shapeshifter.....
(Eden and Kitty laugh)
Remy: Why you be so difficult?
Rogue: I'm only difficult? Hmmmm with a little more practice I could be impossible.
Pietro: What's with the newspaper?
Rogue: I'm so glad you asked.
(Rogue holds up page for everyone to see. It's a full page marriage announcement. The picture is that of Jess holding her Gambit Mannequin in the headlock of Luuuuuuv)
Remy: I knew dat girl would snap...
Rogue: (rolls eyes with annoyance) Oh my god. Look here Romeo. (points to copy of marriage license)
Remy: WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S MY SIGNATURE!
Rogue: (sarcastically) Oh darn, and I was beginning to fall in love with you...
Remy: (pleased) Really?
Rogue: No. You're married Swamp Rat.
Pietro: (looking over newspaper page) It's legal too Remy...
Remy: WHAT??
Pyro: (from box) HA HA! I'm not the only one with a crazy stalker!
(Noise in the hall distracts everyone. Through the doors barges about six people, two of them wheeling in a huge box on a flatbed. One's got Champagne, one has a video camera, and one is holding a large check)
Check Holder: Is there a St. John Allerdyce here?
Pyro: (from box) Who wants to know?
Check Holder: YOU'VE WON THE PUBLISHERS CLEARINGHOUSE!
Pyro: (jumps out of box) I did?
Check Holder: Yes! You've also won this fantastic MYSTERY PRIZE!
Pyro: Oh happy day!
(Pyro rushed to the box, but before he can open it, Fio pops out in a wedding dress and veil. Before Pyro can react, Fio handcuffs him to her)
Fio: Hello my love....... Miss me?
Pyro: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Fio glomps Pyro. THe check holder has turned out to be Kona, who rushes over to Jean and yanks her by the hair away from Scott.)
Kona: Back of Red. He's mine!
Scott: Who are you?
Kona: (attaches herself to Scott) The woman of your dreams!
Rogue: This is gonna be FUN!
(The camerawoman is Bern. She smiles at Pietro and waves)
Bern: Heya Speedy!
Pietro: (goes pale) NO! NOT YOU!
Bern: In the flesh....
Pietro: This is a nightmare!
Eden: Yay! Now he won't bug me anymore!
Remy: Fio, honey, I need to have words with you.
Rogue: NO! DON'T HAVE WORDS! TELL HIM HE'S MARRIED!
(Remy shows Fio the newspaper page)
Fio: Sorry Rem. I didn't know she did that.
(The two people who pushed in Fio's box are Sashi and Marvel)
Marvel: Magneto's Hot!
Sashi: I know! Remember that one issue....
(Sashi and Marvel enter into some heavy duty Magneto worship)
Min: (holds up Champagne) Can I open this now?
Kurt: You seem to be missing some people...
Kitty: (laughing) Yeah, like Remy's wife.
Remy: She's not my wife!
Rogue: Well, now, technically she is...
Remy: But I didn't consent....
Fio: Doesn't matter. Not only did Jess find the one preacher in the world who will marry someone against their will, she found the only one that would marry someone even if they weren't there.
(All of sudden the lights go out and two strobe lights begin to light up the room. A loud announcer voice begins to speak)
Announcer: Back in a time where stalking hero's wasn't punishable by death, lived a legend. The Lord of the Bunnies, they obey his every whim.... Up from the trenches of his Bunny Mutating factory, the King of Slash himself.... I give you.... AZ!
(Smoke bombs go off and Az appears in regular boy clothes, only he's wearing a cape and a eyemask)
Az: Never fear! The Slash King Lord of the Bunnies is here!
Fio: Az.... you're wearing a cape..... and that name needs some work....
Min: Why is Sparkz your announcer?
Sparkz: Cause I want to!
Sashi: Can I call you Robin? Can I be Batman?
Marvel: Holy Halibut Batman!
Sparkz: No, I'M Batman....
Bern: I wanna be Batman...
Sparks: Well tough tahootsies. I'm Batman.
Sashi: Over my dead body.
Sparkz: That can be arranged.
Sashi: TRY IT FLY BOY!
Marvel: Where's Jess?
Remy: Don't speak that name in front of me!
Pyro: Yeah, the Ragin Cajun really has met a woman to much for himself.... Sheila, take the handcuffs off.
Fio: No.
Pyro: COME ON!
Fio: No. Not until after.
Pyro: AFTER WHAT?
(Val finally arrives pushing in a cart with a huge cake on it)
Kurt: Cake!
Val: Kurt!
Bern: You better hide that cake before Jess gets here...
Pyro: That looks like a wedding cake....... AHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOO!
Remy: The wedding dress didn't tip you off Firestarter?
Fio: Where the HELL is Jess with that preacher?
Min: I still can't believe she somehow managed to marry Gambit with out him knowing.
Jean: (trying to yank Kona away from Scott) GET OFF HIM!
Kona: DROP DEAD! HE'S MINE!
Jean: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Bern: Well if you insist....
(Bern heads towards Jean with the intention of decking her again)
Rogue: Please oh please oh please...
Az: Bern! We need all the witnesses we can get for Fio's wedding!
Bern: (grumbling) You are SO lucky Jean.....
(More banging is heard in the hall. Jess barges in with Rhodsey, her faithful reviewer and preacher!!!)
Jess: Sorry we're late. Traffic was a bitch.
Az: We knew you wouldn't miss this unholy union.
Remy: No the unholy union is ours. (holds up newspaper page)
Jess: HONEY!
(Jess tackles Remy and almost violates him in front of everyone.
Marvel: Jess! Not here!
Jean: Show some self-restraint.
Scott: Ha ha!
Rogue: NO! CONSUMMATE YOUR MARRIAGE NOW!
Fio: Jess, you can molest your husband later.
Remy: I'M NOT HER HUSBAND!
Jess: (laughing) Yes you are. And believe me... you are a lucky man.
Remy: (rolls his eyes) RIIIIIGHT
Jess: (giggles) Want me to tell you how lucky? (starts to whisper into Remy's ear. His face starts to turn red.)
Remy: Really? Wow..... AUGH! STOP IT!
(Jess continues to giggle. Pyro's trying to torch his handcuffs)
Rhodesy: Shall we start?
Jess: Not yet. We're only waiting for a few more people and the bar.
Min: OH! Can I be bartender?
Fio: (while hugging Pyro again) Sure Min! Have a blast!
Pyro: Gaaaaak..... HELP ME!
Min: Alright! Let's booze it up!
Jess: Hey Remy? There's some stuff in the closet we need for the ceremony. Could you get it please?
Remy: Will you stay on the other side of the room?
Jess: (rolls eyes) Whatever makes you happy.
Remy: Fine. I'll get the stuff out.
(Remy goes into the closet and begins to yell that it's empty. Running as fast as she can, Jess vaults over like four chairs, only tripping on one, and pushes Remy all the way into the closet. She then flips the lock on the outside of the door and locks herself in the closet with Remy)
Remy: (in closet) What the...........AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jess: (also in closet) why don't I show you how lucky you are to have a wife like me?
(Some....uh....... disturbing sounds come from the closet. Remy sounds like he's being sexually assaulted and Jess is giggling)
Rogue: (awestruck) Did she just do what I think she did?
Az: Jess never did have much self restraint when it comes to Remy.
Pyro: (also awestruck) Wow. That had to be the single weirdest thing I've ever seen..... (looks over at Fio) Ok, maybe not.
(Xavier wheels in wearing a large hot pink sombrero, Logan follows him with his habitual scowl, and last in is Ororo who's looking around with some concern)
Xavier: (while trying to pop wheelies) Yeah buddy!
Jean: Professor Xavier! Thank goodness you're here! Those psychopaths from Christmas broke in again!
Xavier: What? (Sees Fio headlocking Pyro while in a wedding dress) What are you guys doing back here? (realizes something) If you're here.... does that mean.....
(Xavier looks around with terror)
Jess: (from inside closet) No he's not here. He had a prior engagement.
(All of a sudden some loud yelling distracts everyone again, except for Jess and Remy who are still in the closet. With a loud bang, Toad comes flying through a side wall)
Toad: (picks himself off the floor) That was wack, yo.
(Toad is followed in by an angry Wanda)
Wands: You INSECT! How dare you accost me like that?
Toad: But sweetums...
Wanda: Don't call me that slimeball!
Toad: I just love it when she gets all angsty!
Wanda: AHHHHHHHHH!
Rhodsey: Would everyone please sit down?
Kona: I'm sitting by Scott!
Jean: Like hell you are!
Scott: Wow.... I've never had chicks fight over me before...
Rogue: I want front row seats to this ceremony.
Fio: Pyro, the handcuffs are non flammable.
Pyro: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Remy: (still being accosted in the closet) HELP ME!
Jess: (giggling) I'll help you....
Remy: AHHHHHHHH!
Eden: So, Kurt, what do you think of all this?
Kurt: Well... that cake looks good.........OOF!
Val: (glomping Kurt) Heya Fuzzykins!
(More noise comes from the hallway and Magneto floats in thinking he's such a bad ass, followed by Colossus and Sabertooth)
Sabertooth: (sniffing around) Wolverine.........
Logan: (Skint!) Whaddya want, bub?
Fio: NO! NO BLOODSHED AT MY WEDDING!
(Marvel spots Magneto. In the blink of an eye, she tackles him and latches onto him)
Marvel: Oh, Magneto my love! How I've missed you!
Magneto: Oh god... not them again.
Marvel: I've missed you sooooooooo much!
Sashi: My Russian Hunkscicle!
Colossus: Why are you crazy people here again?
Az: (looks at watch and does Mr. Burns hand rub) It's almost time.....
Sparkz: Sooooon....
Bern: Whatchya guys talkin about?
Sparkz and Az: Nothing!
Bern: (sighing) I remember when I used to be Az's partner in crime....
Az: That was before you let Jess and Fio lock me in Fio's closet.
Bern: I didn't know they did that!
Sashi: (while hugging Colossus) Yeah Az, where is your tiara?
Az: SHUT UP ABOUT THE TIARA BEFORE I SMITE YOU ALL WITH MY WRATH!
Rhodsey: Kidnergarteners listen better than you all.. SIT DOWN!
(Startled, everyone calms down somewhat and sits down, except for Remy and Jess who are otherwise detained in the closet)
Rhodsey: We have gathered here today to forcibly bond this teenage girl and her hostage of Love in the bonds of marriage. If anyone objects.. (Pyro opens his mouth to object, but is cut off by Rhodsey) Except the groom... Speak now or forever hold your peace.
(Amara busts into the room)
Amara: I OBJECT!
Pyro: SHEILA! HELP ME!
Fio: HOMEWRECKER!
Amara: Pyro's in love with me you red-headed psychopath!
(Everyone gasps as Amara is starts to head towards Pyro. Just as she reaches mid-aisle the closet door explodes and a slightly ruffled Remy comes barging out. Amara is knocked unconsious by the force of the exploding door and gets thrown into a wall, knocking her out. Remy runs out of the closet and away from Jess who walks out calmly and straightening her clothes)
Rogue: So how are the happy newlyweds?
Remy: WE'RE NOT MARRIED!
Kitty: Like, yes you are. (Holds up newspaper page) See?
Fio: Will you all shut up? I'm trying to get married....
Rhodsey: Fio, do you take Pyro to be your husband...
Fio: (interrupting) YES! YES I DO!
Rhodsey: Pyro, do you..
Pyro: NO! NO I DON'T!
Fio: (clamps hand over Pyro's mouth) He's just nervous. Of course he wants me to be his wife.
Rhodsey: Dosn't matter what he says anyway. Do you have the rings?
(Fio waves at Sabertooth who stalks down the aisle and hands Rhodsey the rings)
Fio: Gooooood Kitty! (gives Sabertooth a cat nip ball)
Sabertooth: Puuuuurrrrrrr...
Logan: (under his breath) Wuss...
Xavier: Now now Logan.
Ororo: Is this really legal? Should we help Pyro?
Jess: (sitting next to Rogue) Leave them alone you snowplow.
Ororo: I'm a weather witch! Not a snowplow!
Jess: (rolls eyes) Whatever..... Oooohhhh! Cake!
Bern: (singing) ADD....
Remy: You got that right!
Rogue: That's no way to talk about your wife!
Kurt: I know! Dosn't that cake look good?
Jess: Mmmmmm caaaaaaake.....
Kurt: GAAAK! (Eden has glomped him again)
Pietro: YOU STUPID ELF! YOU STOLE THE LOVE OF MY WOMAN! PREPARE TO DIE!
Val: Don't touch my elf, albino boy!
Fio: You guys... fight all you want at the reception...
Toad: So sweetums... will you marry me?
Wanda: Not even if hell froze over.
Toad: So I'll take that as a maybe.
Wanda: Try never.
Toad: So there IS hope....
Wanda: AHHHHH!
Rhodsey: God I cant' wait until this is over. Place the rings on eachother's fingers.
Fio: Here you go honey! (places ring on Pyro's finger) I'll just put mine on myself.
Pyro: Why me?
Remy: You? WHY ME?
Jess: Cause I loooooooooooove you!
Remy: Merde...
Sashi: I love weddings.... Oh Colossus...
Colossus: Shouldn't Pyro want to do this? (glances at Sashi) You have evil look in your eyes...
Sashi: Heh heh heh.
Az: That's never good. Run while you can Tin Man.
Sashi: Shut up Az! (bitch slaps Az)
Az: WHAT DID I DO?
Sparkz: Leave Az alone!
Magneto: You know I got a restraining order against you...
Marvel: God your bucket hat drives me wild...
Magneto: What did I do to deserve this? I only tried to take over the world...
Xavier: Oh be quiet Magnus. At least your stalker is female....
Jean: Damn it Scott! Just blast the girl!
Scott: Jean! I can't do that! She's defensless!
Kona: Yeah. Duh Jean. I thought you were an honor student!
Jean: I am you twit! Now leave my boyfriend alone!
Kona: No.
Rogue: I wish I had a video camera.
Rhodsey: You may now kiss the bride.
(Fio attacks Pryo and the two of them kiss as everyone cheers!)
Everyone: Huzzah!
Kurt: Can Jess and I have cake now?
Jess: Yay! Cake!
(Toad flies across the room)
Wanda: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Sashi: Colossus... come with me to talk to Rhodsey for a moment....
Remy: Is this the preacher that married me to that blonde psychotic nymphomaniac without me being there?
Rhodsey: Why yes I did. Congratulations.
Remy: You are so gonna die...
Rogue: Leave the preacher alone!
Remy: (puts arm around Rogue) Why chere, you do care.
Rogue: (pushing arm off) Not about you.
Remy: But chere, you know you're the one that I love.
Jess: WHAT?
Sparkz: Oh crap. DUCK AND COVER!
Jess: (starts to cry) Why don't you love me?
Fio: (puts comforting arm around Jess that isn't handcuffed to Pyro) It's ok Jess....
Jess: (sobbing) He dosn't love me....
Sashi: WOOHOO!
Min: (from behind bar) What's up Sashi?
Sashi: You are now looking at the new Mrs. Piotr Rasputin.
Jess: (still sobbing) Good for you Sashi.
Colossus: (still confused) What has just happened?
Sashi: (dragging Colossus out the doorway) If you'll excuse us, we need to consumate our marriage.
(Sashi drags Colossus out the door)
Xavier: Well, I'm bored. I'm going to go race my shadow down the hallway upstairs.
Logan: This is so stupid. I'm leaving.
Ororo: I'm leaving too...
Magneto: TAKE ME WITH YOU!
(Xavier, Logan, and Ororo leave the room following a very happy Sashi and a still confused Colossus. Magneto boltw out of the room through the hole in the wall Wanda made. Marvel follows him)
Kurt: (trying to cheer Jess up) Want me to lock you and Remy in another closet?
Kitty: This whole situation, is like, surreal...
Pietro: So........ Eden........
Eden: So..........Loser........
Wanda: Oh yeah Pietro. You're sooooo smooth with the ladies.
Pietro: Eden loves me.
Eden: I'd rather drink acid!
Wanda: HA!
Fio: Jess stop crying! This is a happy day......
Jess: (still sobbing) He dosn't loooove meeeeeeee.....
Kurt: (in a singsongy voice) Oh Jess..... want some cake?
Fio: Hey! Pyro and I are supposed to cut the cake!
Remy: Insane. All of you.
Fio: Shut up Remy. You made her cry.
Rogue: Yeah. Meanie.
Jean: DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!
Kona: I'd like to see you try Jeannie. You won't hurt an innocent human. It's against your nature.
Jess: (still sniffleing) Is that cake for me?
Fio: (sighing) Yes it is. At least you've stopped crying.
Rogue: (to Remy) You should apologize to her! You hurt her feelings!
Remy: So? She's not paying attention, we could slip out........ OW!
Rogue: (has just stomped on Remy's left foot) You JERK!
Jess: (sniffling) This cake is good.
Kurt: Can I have a bite?
Jess: Sure. (gives Kurt part of her cake)
Fio: Where's the photographer?
Az: I'll do it! I'll do it!
Sparkz: Yeah! Let us do it!
Jean: DAMNIT!
(Kona has just tripped Jean so she's now lying facedown on the floor)
Scott: (turning blue) Can't.......... breathe...........
Kona: (snuggling up to Scott) I love you.... even with white hair.
Scott: How do you know about that?
Kona: (giggles) I have my ways......
Az: (running around with a camera) Say Cheese! Sparkz! I need more film! I'm spent! (tosses camera to the side like Austin Powers)
Sparkz: Here you go.
Bern: I'm bored. Hey Pietro! Come here!
Pietro: (trying to pry Eden away from Kurt) AHH! NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Bern: Oh come on! I have an idea to run by you to cause some entertainment...
Pietro: (warily) Ok, I'm listening....
(Bern and Pietro conspire as Fio watches them with one eye uneasily)
Fio: I don't like the looks of that.....
Jess: I need a drink.
Rogue: Me too.
Jess: Let's go!
(Jess and Rogue make thier way to the bar. Min starts to pour drinks into glasses but Jess and Rogue stop her)
Jess: Just give me that bottle of Black Haus. (A.N. Black Haus is black raspberry shnapps. Mmmmm yummy!)
Rogue: I'll take that bottle of Southern Comfort.
Min: (raises eyebrow) Ohhhkaaaayyyy...
Jess: Cheers!
Rogue: Cheers!
(Jess and Rogue clink booze bottles and Remy watches)
Remy: That can't be good...
Az: ALLRIGHT! DRUNK JESS!
Jess: NOT YET!
Az: Ok, Can I have the bride and groom please?
Fio: You better take a nice picture Az or a certian picture of you in a pink bustier is going to find a new home on the internet!
Az: NO! NOT THAT!
Fio: Then take a good picture.
Pyro: What did I do to deserve this?
Fio: (cuddling Pyro) You were just to cute for words! I could eat you up!
Pyro: (starts sobbing) I'm in hell...
Remy: No. I'm in hell. I have the daughter of Satan as my wife.
Rogue: (starting to get tipsy) YOU CALLED HER YOUR WIFE!
Jess: Yep. You did. HEY! I'm not the daughter of Satan!
Az: Say cheese!
Fio: Cheeeese!
(Just as Az takes the picture with the digital camera, Pietro zooms in really fast and makes it look like he's grabbing Pyro's butt)
Fio: Speedy! Go away!
Az: AHHH! LOOK AT THIS PICTURE! HA HA HA HA!
Fio: Lemme see. (looks at picture and steam starts to come out of her ears) AZZZZZ!
Az: I didn't do it! I swear!
Bern: (laughing) Ok, I admit, that was me!
Eden: I KNEW IT! PIETRO IS GAY! Az, can I have that picture please?
Pietro: I'M NOT GAY! I'm all man! And all this man is for you Eden.
Eden: I think I'm going to be sick........
Az: Mwahahahahahaaaaaa!
Jess: Shut up Az.
Sparkz: ( to Remy) Wanna get rid of Jess?
Remy: Yes!!
Sparkz: (hands Remy a box) Give this to her.
Remy: Ok.... (walks over to Jess who's still at the bar) Here you go psycho.
Jess: (tipsy) How sweet! (opens box and bunnies begin to jump out) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Az: That's not all!
(About twenty large hairy, mutant rabbits begin hopping into the room. They are 20 times the size of normal bunnies and they all have jet packs on their backs)
Az: ATTACK!
Jess: HELP ME!
Remy: Ha ha!
Rogue: Oh Sabertooth! Dinnertime!
Sabertooth: (growling) Rabbits..............
(Sabertooth begins to eat all the rabbits)
Jess: GO SABERTOOTH GO!
(Sabertooth eats all the rabbits and curls up in the corner purring contentedly)
Fio: Az, you're gonna pay for that one.
Az: You think so? THINK AGAIN! (throws down smoke bombs and tried to leap out window. Hits the window frame and falls back into the room)
Jess: (tipsy) I'm still sober enough to know that was a smooth move Az.
Az: (getting up) I WON'T FAIL THIS TIME!
(Az throws smoke bombs down again, but they explode and set his pant leg on fire)
Az: AHHHHHHH! I'M ON FIRE!
Fio: (sighing) Pyro, would you help him. I don't want anyone to die.
Pyro: (under his breath) I wish YOU'D die...
Fio: What was that?
Pryo: Nothing!
(Pyro manipulates the fire off Az's pantleg.)
Sparkz: Phew.
Az: Pyro, how can I ever thank you? Oh! I know!
(Az rushes forward and tries to kiss Pyro)
Pyro: ACK! NOOOOO!
Fio: AZ! YOU ARE SO GOING TO DIE!
Az: Catch me if you can!
(Az throws down his smoke bombs and he and Sparkz run off giggling like thirteen year old girls through the hole in the wall)
Wanda: Damnit! Did my father leave? He has to pay for locking me up....
Toad: I'll help you find him my Scarlet Darling.
Wanda: For the last time, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Toad: But I loooooooooove you!
Wanda: THAT'S IT! (hexes Toad through the hole in the wall)
Toad: (from outside) That hurt yo. But I guess no pain no gain.
Wanda: (buries face in hands) Why me?
Remy: Join the club.
Pyro: Tell me about it.
Fio: Time to throw the bouquet! Jess! Rogue! Get your drunk asses over here!
Jess: (slurring) Take me drunk officer, I'm home..... hiccup.
Rogue: Ha ha ha. My head feels funny...
Remy: Hmmmm my Chere is drunk...... Oh Rogue......
Rogue: Go away you..... you........... dork.
Jess: Oooohhhh look, the room is spinning. Ugh, stop the room, I want to get off....
Fio: Just get over here you too! That means you too Kona! Detach yourself from Scott and win him from Jean by catching the boquet!
Kona: ALLRIGHT!
Jean: This'll be easy....
Min: No powers Red! That'll be cheating.
Wanda: I'm not doing this.
Kitty: Like, I am.
Eden: Me too.
Pietro: Catch it Eden! Then we can get married.
Eden: Sorry I don't marry gay guys.
Pietro: I'M NOT GAY!
Wanda: Well this picture proves otherwise....
Pietro: AHHHHHH!
Fio: Come on you guys, just get into a group over there. (points to other side of room) Ready? One..... two.........three! (tosses boquet)
Min: I got it! I got it!
Kitty: No, like I got it.
Rogue: I don't want it.
Wanda: Neither do I!
Kona: Ooh ooh me me!
Jess: (tripping over piece of door) I want it..
Jean: THAT SUCKER IS MINE!
Scott: Geez, Jean, calm down.
(Min, Kitty, Eden, Rogue, Jess, Kona and Jean all end up in a heap on the floor. Jess and Kona emerge from the pile, tugging the boquet like it's a tug of war rope)
Kona: (yanking) It's MINE!
Jess: NO! IT'S MINE!
Rogue: (hiccuping) Jess, you're already married.
Jess: I am? (thinks for a moment and lets go of boquet) Oh yeah, I am. Where is he?
Remy: I'm not here.
Jess: (sighing) Darn.
Bern: NO! HE'S TRYING TO TRICK YOUR DRUNK BRAIN! HE'S RIGHT OVER HERE!
Jess: Honey!
Remy: (starts sobbing) Nooooooooo
(Amara finally regains consiousness)
Fio: (to Amara) Ha ha! You're to late! I married Pyro!
Amara: Donsn't matter. He still loves me.
(The ominous music of Dark Horizons part 2 starts to play)
Jess: (stumbling around drunkenly) Oh I guess he did make it....
(Apocolypse floats in through the hole in the wall)
Apocolypse: Where is Charles?
Fio: He's pretending to be Amara.
Amara: NO!
Apocolypse: COME! I MUST HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU!
Amara: AHHHHHHHHHH!
(Apocolypse uses his telekinesis to take Amara with him out the fallen wall)
Fio: Heh heh heh. No little rich princess is going to get in the way of MY honeymoon....
Min: Shouldn't you guys be leaving soon?
Pyro: What? NO!
Fio: Oh yeah! Our plane leaves in two hours! (drags Pyro to the door) See you guys in a month!
(Fio drags Pyro out the door telling him about all the fun they're gonna have on the secluded tropical island she bought for their honeymoon)
Kurt: Hmmm. They left.
Val: Yep.
Kitty: Like, what should we do?
Jess: (taking another swig out of the bottle) Let's party!
Everyone: Huzzah!
Remy: I'm sneaking out......
(Remy sneaks out the hole in the wall and begins to run away while talking to himself)
Remy: Well this was a total bust. Join me next time, but first, I have to get an annulment and a restraining order.
(Everyone in the room continues to party and get drunk. Yayness!)
Lesson 3
The Joyous Union of Fio and Pyro
Remy: Welcome back Mes Ami's!
Lance: God, not again...
Pietro: Where's Eden?
Scott: Leave Sparky alone Speedy!
BAMPH!
Kurt: Hello everyone! The fuzzy one has arrived!
Lance: Where's Pyro?
(Remy jerks his head towards a box in the corner. In big black letters on the box is: PYRO IS NOT IN HERE FIORA!)
Scott: Like that's going to work Pyro.
Pyro: (from inside box) SHHHHH! You never know where she'll pop up next!
Kurt: I think Pyro's terrified of her...
Lance: Loser. Scared of a girl....
Scott: Knock it off Alvers!
Lance: Make me Shades!
Scott: Wanna go?
(Scott leaps out of his chair and puts his hand on his glasses)
Lance: Let's go Mr. Sunglasses at Night. I owe you for destryoing my Kitty Shrine...
Kurt: That was me moron.
Lance: Don't care....
(Jean, Eden and Kitty enter the room)
Jean: Scott! Stop! Logan hath expressly forbid this brandying in Xavier Institute rooms!
Eden: What the hell?
Jean: Sorry, I had to read Romeo and Juliet for school. Scott, you know Logan said if we blow out one more wall we'll all have a double danger room session with him.
Scott: (still ready to blast Lance) So?
Kitty: Like, it'll be run by Mr. Logan himself.
Scott: Oh. Maaaaan (sits back down)
Eden: Where's Pyro?
Remy: In de box. (points to box)
Eden:(rolls her eyes) Brilliant Pyro. She definitely won't find you in there
Pyro: (still in box) She won't find me if you idiots would stop talking to me!
Kitty: (giggling) That's Pyro, Master of Disguise!
Lance: What about me Pretty Kitty?
Kitty: You? Try the Master of Disaster.
Jean: Ha ha! Good one Kitty.
Lance: Shut up Red!
Scott: DON'T YOU TALK TO MY WOMAN LIKE THAT!
Lance: What are you gonna do about it?
Kitty: THIS!
(Kitty phases through the floor so she's right behind Lance and uses a pair of scissors to hack off his mullet)
Lance: MY MULLET! WHAT DID YOU DO??
Scott: Kurt, may I have your assistance?
(Kurt teleports Lance and Scott outside. Everyone else rushed to the windows to watch. Lance tries to rock the world but is blasted into a tree by Scott's optic blast. Kurt teleports Scott back into the room)
Jean: My hero......
Remy: Merde...
Kitty: What did you, like, do to him?
Scott: He's out cold. Hopefully for a few hours.
Remy: *curses in french*
Pietro: So.....Eden..... What you doin?
Eden: Ewwwww.
Kitty: Awwwww. So cute!
Eden: EW! No it's not!
Jean: Yes it is!
Remy: ENOUGH! Red, you partner Shades. Kitty, you partner with Speedy, Petite, you partner with the Elf.
Eden: YES!
Kurt: That was a little TOO happy.....
(Eden glomps Kurt)
Pietro: DIE ELF! YOU STOLE MY WOMAN!
Eden: In your dreams Pietro.
Kurt: Hey man, Remy paired us up...
Pietro: (grumbling) He better not lay a hand on my woman...
Eden: I'M NOT YOUR WOMAN!
Pietro: Not yet.
Eden: NOT EVER!
(Jean and Scott are already making out)
Kitty: Like.... ew!
Pyro: (from box) What's going on?
Remy: Fio's here!
Pyro: (pokes head out of box) AHHHHHHHH!
Remy: Just kidding. (Looks at watch and says to himself) Hmmmm they must be running late...
Eden: Who?
Remy: No one... Hey! Where's my Chere?
Pietro: Not here. Duh.
Kurt: I'll be back.
BAMPH! (Kurt disappears)
Kitty: Like, Rogue's gonna be pissed...
Remy: Why? You know she loves me.
Pietro: Yeah, like the flu.
BAMPH! (Kurt reappears with an angry Rogue, who's also holding a newspaper page)
Remy: Chere!
Rogue: Moron!
Kurt: Sis!
Rogue: I'M NOT YOUR SISTER!
Kurt: Sure you are. Mystique gave birth to me and adopted you. That makes you my sister.
Rogue: (cursing under her breath) That *bleeping* shapeshifter.....
(Eden and Kitty laugh)
Remy: Why you be so difficult?
Rogue: I'm only difficult? Hmmmm with a little more practice I could be impossible.
Pietro: What's with the newspaper?
Rogue: I'm so glad you asked.
(Rogue holds up page for everyone to see. It's a full page marriage announcement. The picture is that of Jess holding her Gambit Mannequin in the headlock of Luuuuuuv)
Remy: I knew dat girl would snap...
Rogue: (rolls eyes with annoyance) Oh my god. Look here Romeo. (points to copy of marriage license)
Remy: WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S MY SIGNATURE!
Rogue: (sarcastically) Oh darn, and I was beginning to fall in love with you...
Remy: (pleased) Really?
Rogue: No. You're married Swamp Rat.
Pietro: (looking over newspaper page) It's legal too Remy...
Remy: WHAT??
Pyro: (from box) HA HA! I'm not the only one with a crazy stalker!
(Noise in the hall distracts everyone. Through the doors barges about six people, two of them wheeling in a huge box on a flatbed. One's got Champagne, one has a video camera, and one is holding a large check)
Check Holder: Is there a St. John Allerdyce here?
Pyro: (from box) Who wants to know?
Check Holder: YOU'VE WON THE PUBLISHERS CLEARINGHOUSE!
Pyro: (jumps out of box) I did?
Check Holder: Yes! You've also won this fantastic MYSTERY PRIZE!
Pyro: Oh happy day!
(Pyro rushed to the box, but before he can open it, Fio pops out in a wedding dress and veil. Before Pyro can react, Fio handcuffs him to her)
Fio: Hello my love....... Miss me?
Pyro: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Fio glomps Pyro. THe check holder has turned out to be Kona, who rushes over to Jean and yanks her by the hair away from Scott.)
Kona: Back of Red. He's mine!
Scott: Who are you?
Kona: (attaches herself to Scott) The woman of your dreams!
Rogue: This is gonna be FUN!
(The camerawoman is Bern. She smiles at Pietro and waves)
Bern: Heya Speedy!
Pietro: (goes pale) NO! NOT YOU!
Bern: In the flesh....
Pietro: This is a nightmare!
Eden: Yay! Now he won't bug me anymore!
Remy: Fio, honey, I need to have words with you.
Rogue: NO! DON'T HAVE WORDS! TELL HIM HE'S MARRIED!
(Remy shows Fio the newspaper page)
Fio: Sorry Rem. I didn't know she did that.
(The two people who pushed in Fio's box are Sashi and Marvel)
Marvel: Magneto's Hot!
Sashi: I know! Remember that one issue....
(Sashi and Marvel enter into some heavy duty Magneto worship)
Min: (holds up Champagne) Can I open this now?
Kurt: You seem to be missing some people...
Kitty: (laughing) Yeah, like Remy's wife.
Remy: She's not my wife!
Rogue: Well, now, technically she is...
Remy: But I didn't consent....
Fio: Doesn't matter. Not only did Jess find the one preacher in the world who will marry someone against their will, she found the only one that would marry someone even if they weren't there.
(All of sudden the lights go out and two strobe lights begin to light up the room. A loud announcer voice begins to speak)
Announcer: Back in a time where stalking hero's wasn't punishable by death, lived a legend. The Lord of the Bunnies, they obey his every whim.... Up from the trenches of his Bunny Mutating factory, the King of Slash himself.... I give you.... AZ!
(Smoke bombs go off and Az appears in regular boy clothes, only he's wearing a cape and a eyemask)
Az: Never fear! The Slash King Lord of the Bunnies is here!
Fio: Az.... you're wearing a cape..... and that name needs some work....
Min: Why is Sparkz your announcer?
Sparkz: Cause I want to!
Sashi: Can I call you Robin? Can I be Batman?
Marvel: Holy Halibut Batman!
Sparkz: No, I'M Batman....
Bern: I wanna be Batman...
Sparks: Well tough tahootsies. I'm Batman.
Sashi: Over my dead body.
Sparkz: That can be arranged.
Sashi: TRY IT FLY BOY!
Marvel: Where's Jess?
Remy: Don't speak that name in front of me!
Pyro: Yeah, the Ragin Cajun really has met a woman to much for himself.... Sheila, take the handcuffs off.
Fio: No.
Pyro: COME ON!
Fio: No. Not until after.
Pyro: AFTER WHAT?
(Val finally arrives pushing in a cart with a huge cake on it)
Kurt: Cake!
Val: Kurt!
Bern: You better hide that cake before Jess gets here...
Pyro: That looks like a wedding cake....... AHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOO!
Remy: The wedding dress didn't tip you off Firestarter?
Fio: Where the HELL is Jess with that preacher?
Min: I still can't believe she somehow managed to marry Gambit with out him knowing.
Jean: (trying to yank Kona away from Scott) GET OFF HIM!
Kona: DROP DEAD! HE'S MINE!
Jean: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Bern: Well if you insist....
(Bern heads towards Jean with the intention of decking her again)
Rogue: Please oh please oh please...
Az: Bern! We need all the witnesses we can get for Fio's wedding!
Bern: (grumbling) You are SO lucky Jean.....
(More banging is heard in the hall. Jess barges in with Rhodsey, her faithful reviewer and preacher!!!)
Jess: Sorry we're late. Traffic was a bitch.
Az: We knew you wouldn't miss this unholy union.
Remy: No the unholy union is ours. (holds up newspaper page)
Jess: HONEY!
(Jess tackles Remy and almost violates him in front of everyone.
Marvel: Jess! Not here!
Jean: Show some self-restraint.
Scott: Ha ha!
Rogue: NO! CONSUMMATE YOUR MARRIAGE NOW!
Fio: Jess, you can molest your husband later.
Remy: I'M NOT HER HUSBAND!
Jess: (laughing) Yes you are. And believe me... you are a lucky man.
Remy: (rolls his eyes) RIIIIIGHT
Jess: (giggles) Want me to tell you how lucky? (starts to whisper into Remy's ear. His face starts to turn red.)
Remy: Really? Wow..... AUGH! STOP IT!
(Jess continues to giggle. Pyro's trying to torch his handcuffs)
Rhodesy: Shall we start?
Jess: Not yet. We're only waiting for a few more people and the bar.
Min: OH! Can I be bartender?
Fio: (while hugging Pyro again) Sure Min! Have a blast!
Pyro: Gaaaaak..... HELP ME!
Min: Alright! Let's booze it up!
Jess: Hey Remy? There's some stuff in the closet we need for the ceremony. Could you get it please?
Remy: Will you stay on the other side of the room?
Jess: (rolls eyes) Whatever makes you happy.
Remy: Fine. I'll get the stuff out.
(Remy goes into the closet and begins to yell that it's empty. Running as fast as she can, Jess vaults over like four chairs, only tripping on one, and pushes Remy all the way into the closet. She then flips the lock on the outside of the door and locks herself in the closet with Remy)
Remy: (in closet) What the...........AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jess: (also in closet) why don't I show you how lucky you are to have a wife like me?
(Some....uh....... disturbing sounds come from the closet. Remy sounds like he's being sexually assaulted and Jess is giggling)
Rogue: (awestruck) Did she just do what I think she did?
Az: Jess never did have much self restraint when it comes to Remy.
Pyro: (also awestruck) Wow. That had to be the single weirdest thing I've ever seen..... (looks over at Fio) Ok, maybe not.
(Xavier wheels in wearing a large hot pink sombrero, Logan follows him with his habitual scowl, and last in is Ororo who's looking around with some concern)
Xavier: (while trying to pop wheelies) Yeah buddy!
Jean: Professor Xavier! Thank goodness you're here! Those psychopaths from Christmas broke in again!
Xavier: What? (Sees Fio headlocking Pyro while in a wedding dress) What are you guys doing back here? (realizes something) If you're here.... does that mean.....
(Xavier looks around with terror)
Jess: (from inside closet) No he's not here. He had a prior engagement.
(All of a sudden some loud yelling distracts everyone again, except for Jess and Remy who are still in the closet. With a loud bang, Toad comes flying through a side wall)
Toad: (picks himself off the floor) That was wack, yo.
(Toad is followed in by an angry Wanda)
Wands: You INSECT! How dare you accost me like that?
Toad: But sweetums...
Wanda: Don't call me that slimeball!
Toad: I just love it when she gets all angsty!
Wanda: AHHHHHHHHH!
Rhodsey: Would everyone please sit down?
Kona: I'm sitting by Scott!
Jean: Like hell you are!
Scott: Wow.... I've never had chicks fight over me before...
Rogue: I want front row seats to this ceremony.
Fio: Pyro, the handcuffs are non flammable.
Pyro: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Remy: (still being accosted in the closet) HELP ME!
Jess: (giggling) I'll help you....
Remy: AHHHHHHHH!
Eden: So, Kurt, what do you think of all this?
Kurt: Well... that cake looks good.........OOF!
Val: (glomping Kurt) Heya Fuzzykins!
(More noise comes from the hallway and Magneto floats in thinking he's such a bad ass, followed by Colossus and Sabertooth)
Sabertooth: (sniffing around) Wolverine.........
Logan: (Skint!) Whaddya want, bub?
Fio: NO! NO BLOODSHED AT MY WEDDING!
(Marvel spots Magneto. In the blink of an eye, she tackles him and latches onto him)
Marvel: Oh, Magneto my love! How I've missed you!
Magneto: Oh god... not them again.
Marvel: I've missed you sooooooooo much!
Sashi: My Russian Hunkscicle!
Colossus: Why are you crazy people here again?
Az: (looks at watch and does Mr. Burns hand rub) It's almost time.....
Sparkz: Sooooon....
Bern: Whatchya guys talkin about?
Sparkz and Az: Nothing!
Bern: (sighing) I remember when I used to be Az's partner in crime....
Az: That was before you let Jess and Fio lock me in Fio's closet.
Bern: I didn't know they did that!
Sashi: (while hugging Colossus) Yeah Az, where is your tiara?
Az: SHUT UP ABOUT THE TIARA BEFORE I SMITE YOU ALL WITH MY WRATH!
Rhodsey: Kidnergarteners listen better than you all.. SIT DOWN!
(Startled, everyone calms down somewhat and sits down, except for Remy and Jess who are otherwise detained in the closet)
Rhodsey: We have gathered here today to forcibly bond this teenage girl and her hostage of Love in the bonds of marriage. If anyone objects.. (Pyro opens his mouth to object, but is cut off by Rhodsey) Except the groom... Speak now or forever hold your peace.
(Amara busts into the room)
Amara: I OBJECT!
Pyro: SHEILA! HELP ME!
Fio: HOMEWRECKER!
Amara: Pyro's in love with me you red-headed psychopath!
(Everyone gasps as Amara is starts to head towards Pyro. Just as she reaches mid-aisle the closet door explodes and a slightly ruffled Remy comes barging out. Amara is knocked unconsious by the force of the exploding door and gets thrown into a wall, knocking her out. Remy runs out of the closet and away from Jess who walks out calmly and straightening her clothes)
Rogue: So how are the happy newlyweds?
Remy: WE'RE NOT MARRIED!
Kitty: Like, yes you are. (Holds up newspaper page) See?
Fio: Will you all shut up? I'm trying to get married....
Rhodsey: Fio, do you take Pyro to be your husband...
Fio: (interrupting) YES! YES I DO!
Rhodsey: Pyro, do you..
Pyro: NO! NO I DON'T!
Fio: (clamps hand over Pyro's mouth) He's just nervous. Of course he wants me to be his wife.
Rhodsey: Dosn't matter what he says anyway. Do you have the rings?
(Fio waves at Sabertooth who stalks down the aisle and hands Rhodsey the rings)
Fio: Gooooood Kitty! (gives Sabertooth a cat nip ball)
Sabertooth: Puuuuurrrrrrr...
Logan: (under his breath) Wuss...
Xavier: Now now Logan.
Ororo: Is this really legal? Should we help Pyro?
Jess: (sitting next to Rogue) Leave them alone you snowplow.
Ororo: I'm a weather witch! Not a snowplow!
Jess: (rolls eyes) Whatever..... Oooohhhh! Cake!
Bern: (singing) ADD....
Remy: You got that right!
Rogue: That's no way to talk about your wife!
Kurt: I know! Dosn't that cake look good?
Jess: Mmmmmm caaaaaaake.....
Kurt: GAAAK! (Eden has glomped him again)
Pietro: YOU STUPID ELF! YOU STOLE THE LOVE OF MY WOMAN! PREPARE TO DIE!
Val: Don't touch my elf, albino boy!
Fio: You guys... fight all you want at the reception...
Toad: So sweetums... will you marry me?
Wanda: Not even if hell froze over.
Toad: So I'll take that as a maybe.
Wanda: Try never.
Toad: So there IS hope....
Wanda: AHHHHH!
Rhodsey: God I cant' wait until this is over. Place the rings on eachother's fingers.
Fio: Here you go honey! (places ring on Pyro's finger) I'll just put mine on myself.
Pyro: Why me?
Remy: You? WHY ME?
Jess: Cause I loooooooooooove you!
Remy: Merde...
Sashi: I love weddings.... Oh Colossus...
Colossus: Shouldn't Pyro want to do this? (glances at Sashi) You have evil look in your eyes...
Sashi: Heh heh heh.
Az: That's never good. Run while you can Tin Man.
Sashi: Shut up Az! (bitch slaps Az)
Az: WHAT DID I DO?
Sparkz: Leave Az alone!
Magneto: You know I got a restraining order against you...
Marvel: God your bucket hat drives me wild...
Magneto: What did I do to deserve this? I only tried to take over the world...
Xavier: Oh be quiet Magnus. At least your stalker is female....
Jean: Damn it Scott! Just blast the girl!
Scott: Jean! I can't do that! She's defensless!
Kona: Yeah. Duh Jean. I thought you were an honor student!
Jean: I am you twit! Now leave my boyfriend alone!
Kona: No.
Rogue: I wish I had a video camera.
Rhodsey: You may now kiss the bride.
(Fio attacks Pryo and the two of them kiss as everyone cheers!)
Everyone: Huzzah!
Kurt: Can Jess and I have cake now?
Jess: Yay! Cake!
(Toad flies across the room)
Wanda: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Sashi: Colossus... come with me to talk to Rhodsey for a moment....
Remy: Is this the preacher that married me to that blonde psychotic nymphomaniac without me being there?
Rhodsey: Why yes I did. Congratulations.
Remy: You are so gonna die...
Rogue: Leave the preacher alone!
Remy: (puts arm around Rogue) Why chere, you do care.
Rogue: (pushing arm off) Not about you.
Remy: But chere, you know you're the one that I love.
Jess: WHAT?
Sparkz: Oh crap. DUCK AND COVER!
Jess: (starts to cry) Why don't you love me?
Fio: (puts comforting arm around Jess that isn't handcuffed to Pyro) It's ok Jess....
Jess: (sobbing) He dosn't love me....
Sashi: WOOHOO!
Min: (from behind bar) What's up Sashi?
Sashi: You are now looking at the new Mrs. Piotr Rasputin.
Jess: (still sobbing) Good for you Sashi.
Colossus: (still confused) What has just happened?
Sashi: (dragging Colossus out the doorway) If you'll excuse us, we need to consumate our marriage.
(Sashi drags Colossus out the door)
Xavier: Well, I'm bored. I'm going to go race my shadow down the hallway upstairs.
Logan: This is so stupid. I'm leaving.
Ororo: I'm leaving too...
Magneto: TAKE ME WITH YOU!
(Xavier, Logan, and Ororo leave the room following a very happy Sashi and a still confused Colossus. Magneto boltw out of the room through the hole in the wall Wanda made. Marvel follows him)
Kurt: (trying to cheer Jess up) Want me to lock you and Remy in another closet?
Kitty: This whole situation, is like, surreal...
Pietro: So........ Eden........
Eden: So..........Loser........
Wanda: Oh yeah Pietro. You're sooooo smooth with the ladies.
Pietro: Eden loves me.
Eden: I'd rather drink acid!
Wanda: HA!
Fio: Jess stop crying! This is a happy day......
Jess: (still sobbing) He dosn't loooove meeeeeeee.....
Kurt: (in a singsongy voice) Oh Jess..... want some cake?
Fio: Hey! Pyro and I are supposed to cut the cake!
Remy: Insane. All of you.
Fio: Shut up Remy. You made her cry.
Rogue: Yeah. Meanie.
Jean: DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!
Kona: I'd like to see you try Jeannie. You won't hurt an innocent human. It's against your nature.
Jess: (still sniffleing) Is that cake for me?
Fio: (sighing) Yes it is. At least you've stopped crying.
Rogue: (to Remy) You should apologize to her! You hurt her feelings!
Remy: So? She's not paying attention, we could slip out........ OW!
Rogue: (has just stomped on Remy's left foot) You JERK!
Jess: (sniffling) This cake is good.
Kurt: Can I have a bite?
Jess: Sure. (gives Kurt part of her cake)
Fio: Where's the photographer?
Az: I'll do it! I'll do it!
Sparkz: Yeah! Let us do it!
Jean: DAMNIT!
(Kona has just tripped Jean so she's now lying facedown on the floor)
Scott: (turning blue) Can't.......... breathe...........
Kona: (snuggling up to Scott) I love you.... even with white hair.
Scott: How do you know about that?
Kona: (giggles) I have my ways......
Az: (running around with a camera) Say Cheese! Sparkz! I need more film! I'm spent! (tosses camera to the side like Austin Powers)
Sparkz: Here you go.
Bern: I'm bored. Hey Pietro! Come here!
Pietro: (trying to pry Eden away from Kurt) AHH! NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Bern: Oh come on! I have an idea to run by you to cause some entertainment...
Pietro: (warily) Ok, I'm listening....
(Bern and Pietro conspire as Fio watches them with one eye uneasily)
Fio: I don't like the looks of that.....
Jess: I need a drink.
Rogue: Me too.
Jess: Let's go!
(Jess and Rogue make thier way to the bar. Min starts to pour drinks into glasses but Jess and Rogue stop her)
Jess: Just give me that bottle of Black Haus. (A.N. Black Haus is black raspberry shnapps. Mmmmm yummy!)
Rogue: I'll take that bottle of Southern Comfort.
Min: (raises eyebrow) Ohhhkaaaayyyy...
Jess: Cheers!
Rogue: Cheers!
(Jess and Rogue clink booze bottles and Remy watches)
Remy: That can't be good...
Az: ALLRIGHT! DRUNK JESS!
Jess: NOT YET!
Az: Ok, Can I have the bride and groom please?
Fio: You better take a nice picture Az or a certian picture of you in a pink bustier is going to find a new home on the internet!
Az: NO! NOT THAT!
Fio: Then take a good picture.
Pyro: What did I do to deserve this?
Fio: (cuddling Pyro) You were just to cute for words! I could eat you up!
Pyro: (starts sobbing) I'm in hell...
Remy: No. I'm in hell. I have the daughter of Satan as my wife.
Rogue: (starting to get tipsy) YOU CALLED HER YOUR WIFE!
Jess: Yep. You did. HEY! I'm not the daughter of Satan!
Az: Say cheese!
Fio: Cheeeese!
(Just as Az takes the picture with the digital camera, Pietro zooms in really fast and makes it look like he's grabbing Pyro's butt)
Fio: Speedy! Go away!
Az: AHHH! LOOK AT THIS PICTURE! HA HA HA HA!
Fio: Lemme see. (looks at picture and steam starts to come out of her ears) AZZZZZ!
Az: I didn't do it! I swear!
Bern: (laughing) Ok, I admit, that was me!
Eden: I KNEW IT! PIETRO IS GAY! Az, can I have that picture please?
Pietro: I'M NOT GAY! I'm all man! And all this man is for you Eden.
Eden: I think I'm going to be sick........
Az: Mwahahahahahaaaaaa!
Jess: Shut up Az.
Sparkz: ( to Remy) Wanna get rid of Jess?
Remy: Yes!!
Sparkz: (hands Remy a box) Give this to her.
Remy: Ok.... (walks over to Jess who's still at the bar) Here you go psycho.
Jess: (tipsy) How sweet! (opens box and bunnies begin to jump out) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Az: That's not all!
(About twenty large hairy, mutant rabbits begin hopping into the room. They are 20 times the size of normal bunnies and they all have jet packs on their backs)
Az: ATTACK!
Jess: HELP ME!
Remy: Ha ha!
Rogue: Oh Sabertooth! Dinnertime!
Sabertooth: (growling) Rabbits..............
(Sabertooth begins to eat all the rabbits)
Jess: GO SABERTOOTH GO!
(Sabertooth eats all the rabbits and curls up in the corner purring contentedly)
Fio: Az, you're gonna pay for that one.
Az: You think so? THINK AGAIN! (throws down smoke bombs and tried to leap out window. Hits the window frame and falls back into the room)
Jess: (tipsy) I'm still sober enough to know that was a smooth move Az.
Az: (getting up) I WON'T FAIL THIS TIME!
(Az throws smoke bombs down again, but they explode and set his pant leg on fire)
Az: AHHHHHHH! I'M ON FIRE!
Fio: (sighing) Pyro, would you help him. I don't want anyone to die.
Pyro: (under his breath) I wish YOU'D die...
Fio: What was that?
Pryo: Nothing!
(Pyro manipulates the fire off Az's pantleg.)
Sparkz: Phew.
Az: Pyro, how can I ever thank you? Oh! I know!
(Az rushes forward and tries to kiss Pyro)
Pyro: ACK! NOOOOO!
Fio: AZ! YOU ARE SO GOING TO DIE!
Az: Catch me if you can!
(Az throws down his smoke bombs and he and Sparkz run off giggling like thirteen year old girls through the hole in the wall)
Wanda: Damnit! Did my father leave? He has to pay for locking me up....
Toad: I'll help you find him my Scarlet Darling.
Wanda: For the last time, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Toad: But I loooooooooove you!
Wanda: THAT'S IT! (hexes Toad through the hole in the wall)
Toad: (from outside) That hurt yo. But I guess no pain no gain.
Wanda: (buries face in hands) Why me?
Remy: Join the club.
Pyro: Tell me about it.
Fio: Time to throw the bouquet! Jess! Rogue! Get your drunk asses over here!
Jess: (slurring) Take me drunk officer, I'm home..... hiccup.
Rogue: Ha ha ha. My head feels funny...
Remy: Hmmmm my Chere is drunk...... Oh Rogue......
Rogue: Go away you..... you........... dork.
Jess: Oooohhhh look, the room is spinning. Ugh, stop the room, I want to get off....
Fio: Just get over here you too! That means you too Kona! Detach yourself from Scott and win him from Jean by catching the boquet!
Kona: ALLRIGHT!
Jean: This'll be easy....
Min: No powers Red! That'll be cheating.
Wanda: I'm not doing this.
Kitty: Like, I am.
Eden: Me too.
Pietro: Catch it Eden! Then we can get married.
Eden: Sorry I don't marry gay guys.
Pietro: I'M NOT GAY!
Wanda: Well this picture proves otherwise....
Pietro: AHHHHHH!
Fio: Come on you guys, just get into a group over there. (points to other side of room) Ready? One..... two.........three! (tosses boquet)
Min: I got it! I got it!
Kitty: No, like I got it.
Rogue: I don't want it.
Wanda: Neither do I!
Kona: Ooh ooh me me!
Jess: (tripping over piece of door) I want it..
Jean: THAT SUCKER IS MINE!
Scott: Geez, Jean, calm down.
(Min, Kitty, Eden, Rogue, Jess, Kona and Jean all end up in a heap on the floor. Jess and Kona emerge from the pile, tugging the boquet like it's a tug of war rope)
Kona: (yanking) It's MINE!
Jess: NO! IT'S MINE!
Rogue: (hiccuping) Jess, you're already married.
Jess: I am? (thinks for a moment and lets go of boquet) Oh yeah, I am. Where is he?
Remy: I'm not here.
Jess: (sighing) Darn.
Bern: NO! HE'S TRYING TO TRICK YOUR DRUNK BRAIN! HE'S RIGHT OVER HERE!
Jess: Honey!
Remy: (starts sobbing) Nooooooooo
(Amara finally regains consiousness)
Fio: (to Amara) Ha ha! You're to late! I married Pyro!
Amara: Donsn't matter. He still loves me.
(The ominous music of Dark Horizons part 2 starts to play)
Jess: (stumbling around drunkenly) Oh I guess he did make it....
(Apocolypse floats in through the hole in the wall)
Apocolypse: Where is Charles?
Fio: He's pretending to be Amara.
Amara: NO!
Apocolypse: COME! I MUST HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU!
Amara: AHHHHHHHHHH!
(Apocolypse uses his telekinesis to take Amara with him out the fallen wall)
Fio: Heh heh heh. No little rich princess is going to get in the way of MY honeymoon....
Min: Shouldn't you guys be leaving soon?
Pyro: What? NO!
Fio: Oh yeah! Our plane leaves in two hours! (drags Pyro to the door) See you guys in a month!
(Fio drags Pyro out the door telling him about all the fun they're gonna have on the secluded tropical island she bought for their honeymoon)
Kurt: Hmmm. They left.
Val: Yep.
Kitty: Like, what should we do?
Jess: (taking another swig out of the bottle) Let's party!
Everyone: Huzzah!
Remy: I'm sneaking out......
(Remy sneaks out the hole in the wall and begins to run away while talking to himself)
Remy: Well this was a total bust. Join me next time, but first, I have to get an annulment and a restraining order.
(Everyone in the room continues to party and get drunk. Yayness!)