First up, sorry for both late reviews and lack of updates. I am almost up to date on everyone else's fics now. And if anyone wants to read an M-rated Nathan Barley fic, skip on over to the British comedy section.
Right now I am excited because I have NEW FRANK N. FURTER SHOES. Useless and very stereotypical information but... meh.
Also, I want, for no real reason, to amend the crush list from the start of the last chapter. I would put Noel and Julian on an interchangeable 5 and 6 (I am thick and forgot to put Bowie in the list- CRIME!), but Richard O'Brien is still number 2. Why anyone will ever need to know this escapes me.
When Leroy reads 'Les Miserables', I have no idea if that is the opening sentence, but I doubt it. I don't own the book. But if anyone does and can tell me the last sentence, please let me know.
Also, if anyone here has LiveJournal, how about friending me- I'm thingogram.
And could I get anyone's opinion- I'm thinking of starting a new C2 to house all these crossovers. There are so many of them now. Adele, you have created a monster. I commend you.
Anyway, I'll shut up now. Enjoy :-)
The Marriage Maze logo flashes again on a screen.
Tannoy: Here's the Ape of Death, to make your biz his with the Thirty-Second Quiz!
On the Marriage Maze set, Tommy Nooka and Mrs Gideon are now sitting in the HIM and HER seats.
Ape of Death: As Vince's stalkers, this should be really easy.
Gideon: About Howard's family?
Ape of Death: Your last clue is… 'mental instability'. You have thirty seconds.
A timer reading '30' appears on screen and begins to count down.
Tommy: Mental instability?
Gideon: He never talks about his family, you know. Do you ever wonder why?
Tommy: Oh, yes, I'd forgotten.
Gideon: Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Vince: "what do you know of his parents?" But he never listened. Sometimes I worry he is too nice a boy.
The timer has now reached fifteen seconds.
Ape of Death: Which leads us to…
Tannoy: This afternoon's surprise prize, a stay in that decadent new series, Gold, including use of a new hot tub and stash of crack.
By now the timer only has five seconds left.
Gideon (uncertainly): Erotomania?
The timer stops at two seconds. The Ape of Death looks down at Mrs Gideon.
Ape of Death: You got it.
Mrs Gideon breaks into a grin worthy of a Miss World winner, and loses all of her hard-earned dignity in half a second flat.
Gideon: I got it! I got it!
Tommy: She got it!
Gideon: I got it!
She jumps from her seat and throws herself at the Ape of Death, almost ready to kiss him, but breaks away as she smells his hair and retches. Still cheering, Tommy pulls her away, as she leans down to take his hand and tries to jump for joy at the same time, resulting in her nearly falling over as the two of the are escorted from the soundstage.
Ape of Death: So it's Gold for Tommy Nooka and Mrs Gideon of Dalston!
Tommy and Mrs Gideon are taken from the stage, still cheering. Later on, in the doctors' office, the Ape is watching the scene on TV with Ebola, as Anthrax sorts out Vince's contract. Ebola reaches forward and switches off the TV.
Ape of Death (mocking): She got it! She got it in one!
Ebola cannot help but laugh at this, and Anthrax turns towards her and hisses, catlike, baring her fangs, and Ebola stops.
Ape of Death: Erotomania!
Ebola (still grinning wickedly, with a wink at Anthrax): Our speciality.
Ape of Death (hysterically): Your speciality!
Anthrax: I can't wait to begin on him. Really, Death, I don't know what we'd do without you.
Ape of Death: I have to be honest, the decision to have Howard committed wasn't entirely my own.
Anthrax: Of course, there's little Vince. But if he was so keen to get his husband in here, why wouldn't he sign the contract?
Ape of Death: No, not Vince either. It was in fact (he shares a smiling glance with Ebola) your new sponsor.
Anthrax spins round to face him in a rage.
Anthrax: Sponsor?
Ape of Death: Dalstonvale has been sold.
Anthrax: Sold?
Ebola: Darling Death arranged everything.
Ape of Death: Yes! You endorse his Faith Factory, and he endorses your experimentation with the mentally ill.
Anthrax: Him! How dare this vanilla bastard take advantage of me!
Ebola (smirking): I don't think he intends to go that far.
Anthrax glares at her and turns away. Ebola and the Ape giggle to each other, and Anthrax spins round and punches Ebola in the face.
Outside in the Terminal ward, Diva leaves Vince alone with Howard, who is passed out in his wheelchair in a cage in the centre of the room. Vince watches him and walks around the cage sadly.
Vince (singing): If only you knew how to win some prizes.
If only you knew how to play.
Elsewhere in the studio, someone is watching him on a monitor.
Vince (singing): If you could sleep nights and stop your crying,
You might find out I still love you in my own way.
Vince leaves the ward, unable to look at Howard's form any more.
Vince (singing): If that's not enough, then I'm so sorry I met you.
It was almost like leading you on.
But there's more to it all than just wringing your heart out
Over something that keeps on going wrong.
He doubles back on himself, rushing back to the ward.
Vince (singing): So don't tell me you love me.
How am I supposed to know what that means?
No, don't sell emotion.
He reaches the door again and pushes it open, now desperate to get just one more look at Howard before the doctors start working on him.
Vince (singing): You can't buy devotion
When you're falling apart at the seams.
He leaves again, this time even sadder, more resigned than before.
Vince (singing): I hope that you'll smile when you reach your conclusion.
I hope that you'll know just what to say.
But if it should mean that the party's over,
Vince looks at a flashing sign pointing to the Gold set, and follows it down the corridor.
Vince (singing): You should know that I still love you,
You should know that I still love you,
You should know that I still love you
In my own way,
In my own way,
In my own way.
He reaches the door and it opens in front of him to reveal Mrs Gideon, dressed in another stunning evening gown.
Gideon: Oh, Vince, baby.
Vince flies at her for a hug, which she warmly returns.
Vince: Mrs G!
Gideon: I know, honey, he'll get all the help he needs. But in the meantime…
Mrs Gideon breaks away from the hug and holds up a long faux-snakeskin top, about the length of a very small dress.
Gideon: Look- for you. I found it upstairs. The pattern seems to have been copied exactly from a royal python.
She presses it to Vince's body.
Vince: Thank you, it's-
Gideon: Just what the doctor ordered, I know. Come in, my favourite show's just started.
She ushers him in.
Vince: What show?
Gideon (directly at a camera): Dalstonvale.
In the Terminal ward, a small, bedraggled creature resembling both a fox and a mainliner lies still on a cart, while Diva feeds Howard a cocktail of drugs. On a monitor, someone is still watching.
The Gold logo appears.
Voice-over: All that glitters isn't Gold. Gold, with guest star Vince Noir-Moon.
Mrs Gideon picks up two flirtinis from a table and takes them to the large sofa where Vince is sitting, wearing the faux snakeskin top over black jeans.
Tannoy: Are you sick of being shaken up by bad cocktails? Then buy a cocktail shaker with a Hot reputation.
Vince: Thanks Mrs G.
He takes it and sips gratefully. Tommy enters from a door to the garden.
Tannoy: When your man gets back from the wide world with a burning hunger, make sure you've got Dijon octuple-strength condoms wherever he looks. You'll be glad you did.
Tommy looks around and finds no condoms.
Gideon: Not now.
Tommy: This is ridiculous.
He watches Mrs Gideon pinning an elaborate clip into Vince's hair.
Tommy: Leave him alone, G-G, he's not a girl.
Gideon: I wanted to see him in it.
Vince: It's very nice.
Gideon: The material is synthetic, but with the exact friction and elasticity of real snakeskin.
Tommy: He's not interested.
Vince: Actually, I am-
Gideon: What are you trying to do, Tommy? Are you trying to upset him? Don't you want our stalkee to look pretty?
Tommy: What's he got to look pretty for?
Gideon: He's got a husband.
Tommy: He's got a weirdo. I've never been able to afford the time to have a nervous breakdown.
Mrs Gideon stares at him as he begins to light small items of furniture on fire, humming a tune through which the word "cheese" can faintly be heard, and shakes her head.
Vince: Poor Howard…
Gideon: Well, thank goodness he never speaks to his parents. It would have killed them to know. And thank goodness he didn't wind up like that boy who used to work in the haberdasher's…
Tommy: What is wrong with Bruno? He's a fine boy, who I haven't seen for a while.
Gideon: You probably have; he calls himself Elanor now.
Tommy: I think I'm going back out here.
He leaves the plush house, walks a cross the large astroturf garden set, and breaks through a partition into the next set- a jungle featured in a survival based 'reality' show.
Tommy (singing): A man should call the toss,
Wear the pants and be the boss.
A man should be the drake for his own damn sake.
He comes to a tree and finds a rope hanging from it, which he gives a gentle tug to.
Tommy (singing): And men should be the misters
And the masters of their sisters.
A man should be the reason for a heart to break.
Three battered-looking jungle explorers stand in the audience.
Explorers (singing): So, live rough
Be tough
Like your father said.
They sit down as three rockers stand.
Rockers (singing): And never forget
Violence should not beget
Any regret,
They sit, and someone slightly confused stands.
Confused (singing): Even though you have cheese for a head.
The entire audience stands.
Audience (singing): So always remember to live for the fight
Explorers (singing): In more ways,
Rockers (singing): And always
Tommy (singing): Remember I'm right.
Tommy watches a mechanised stuffed animal move in the undergrowth, and hides to wait for it to spring his trap.
Tommy (singing): A man should spend a duration
Away from civilisation,
And learn all the skills that his ancestors had.
The animal moves out and springs the trap, causing the rope to snap and several flat hardboard trees to come crashing down behind Tommy.
Tommy (singing): And men should have the calculation
To survive on their own lactations,
And never ever care he might be going mad.
He leaves the jungle set and returns to the Gold set, looking back at the audience as he enters the house.
Tommy (singing): Faggots are maggots.
Thank God I'm a man.
Off-camera in Dalstonvale, Anthrax, Ebola and the Ape of Death are lying back in a gothic boudoir, the doctors having given the Ape a complimentary therapy session. Ebola is particularly exhausted, and keeps shifting her position. She also has a few small new scars on her chest and shoulders.
Ape of Death: That was amazing.
Ebola: Coming from the monkey equivalent of Beelzebub, that's certainly some praise.
Anthrax: With that DIY identity drug-peddling Boon onto us, I doubt we'll have anyone to do this with again.
Ape of Death: Boon's meddling is good meddling, as you will see.
Johnny enters, wheeling in a TV on a cart.
Ape of Death: Dalstonvale will run forever now that he has embraced mental hygiene.
Ebola: Our cover!
In his research lab, Leroy is sitting next to his desk smoking, while Rudi watches disapprovingly.
Rudi: You know, I am convinced there is some kind of conspiracy here.
Leroy: Conspiracy? No, surely I'd have realised.
Rudi: You are not infallible, young Leroy. Even the cleverest of spies can miss things. Remember the monkey that could produce seventeen times its own bodyweight in shit? And no one ever realised where those opium poppies were being grown.
Leroy: Sounds like my husband. He comes out with seventeen times his own bodyweight in shit. Especially after Harold Boon gave him a commercial break.
Rudi: Oh yes, Harold Boon. I find it disgusting that his Faith Factory is financed by an entire nation's delusions, hallucinations and uncomfortable laxative side-effects.
In Anthrax and Ebola's boudoir, Ebola is beginning to look a little more together.
Ape of Death: Guess who got you the next episode. So that Vince will be free to front-line the new Faith Factory.
He removes a script from under his clothes, and Ebola reaches out and takes it eagerly.
Anthrax: We are the experts here.
Ape of Death: Who trusts experts?
Ebola: Vince does.
Ape of Death: Everyone loves the sweet transvestite. Especially Harold.
There is a knock on the door of the research lab.
Leroy: Come in!
Lester comes in.
Lester: Hi, you.
Rudi: Good evening, Lester.
Leroy: Hi.
Lester: I just came to give you this.
He passes Leroy a small envelope.
Leroy: Thank you.
Lance Dior rushes in and falls into Lester's arms.
Lance: Heya!
Lester: Hey, sweetie. We'd better be going, tomorrow's the big one, and Harold expects.
Rudi: Of course he does.
Lester: We'll leave you to it.
Lance: Bye!
Rudi: Goodbye.
Lester and Lance leave, and Leroy gets up and opens the door after them.
Leroy (calling): Oh Lester!
Lester: Yes!
Leroy: Shove it!
Lester: You shove it too, Leroy!
Leroy slams the door on him. He sits down and opens his letter, then gasps.
Leroy: Conspiracy's right; the Dalston Dossier is…
Rudi: Closed.
The Dalstonvale logo appears.
Voice-Over: Dalstonvale. Special guest star: Vince Noir-Moon.
The doors to Anthrax and Ebola's boudoir opens, and Vince enters nervously.
Anthrax/ Ebola: Vince!
Vince: I've come to see Howard.
Ebola: That's out of the question, darling. He's sleeping like a child.
Anthrax clicks her fingers as a signal for Ebola to usher Vince to their chaise-lounge. They sit on either side of him.
Anthrax: It's you we're worried about, Vince.
Ebola: Yes, how are you? Are you satisfied?
Vince: I'm fine, thank you.
Anthrax: There are countless people who believe that they're fine, Vince.
Ebola begins to absent-mindedly finger Vince's hair.
Ebola: But they only think they're fine.
Vince: That doesn't make any sense.
The Ape of Death gets up from the floor and stumbles over to the TV that Johnny brought in earlier. He switches it on to reveal an image of Harold Boon. Vince regards it suspiciously.
Ape of Death: This might.
Boon (on TV): Welcome to my new delegation.
I'm Harold and I've come to help you win.
We're going to package and sell some mental health to the nation
With my dream of the boy who's excessively feminine.
Diva and Johnny come in and stand behind the TV, joined shortly by Anthrax and Ebola.
Boon (singing, on TV): Oh why aren't they doing tomorrow's new dance steps
The way they used to yesterday?
And who draws a perfect circle any more?
And if you're waiting for greatness to shake hands with you
You better daydream your life away.
I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure.
Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): You're not just looking at the ID king,
Just another well-known face,
You're not looking at a king of anything.
Boon (singing, on TV): I'm gonna shoot for the moon, I'm gonna play high noon,
I'm gonna take on the entire human race!
At this point, Diva has climbed on top of the TV and is posing like a showgirl.
Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): You're not looking at a king!
Boon (singing, on TV): You're looking at an ace.
Vince smiles, and despite his mistrust of Harold Boon, cannot help chuckling at the pun. Diva swings her legs almost obscenely, almost kicking Ebola in the face.
Boon (singing, on TV): I've got the sight and I've seen the light
And I'm gonna see the coming day
When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me.
I'm gonna take my time and rock some rhyme
And it's gonna take your breath away.
You'll be the front page rage of the age, just wait and see.
Vince is utterly charmed, and is now grinning at the prospect of his own fame.
Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): You're not just looking at the ID king,
Just another well-known face,
You're not looking at a king of anything.
Boon (singing, on TV): We're gonna shoot for the moon, we're gonna play high noon,
We're gonna take on the entire human race!
Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): You're not looking at a king!
Boon (singing, on TV): Oh no no no,
You're looking at an ace.
Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): You're looking at an ace.
Boon (singing, on TV): You're looking at a god damn ace.
Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): You're looking at an ace.
Boon (singing, on TV): You're looking at an ace.
Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): You're looking at an ace.
Boon (singing, on TV): You're looking at an ace!
Ebola (with an edge of sarcasm): Home movies, what's not to love?
Boon (on TV): Time's tight Vince.
Do it right, Vince.
Until tomorrow night… Vince.
Vince is grinning. Ebola comes back to sit next to him.
Vince: Wow. What an offer. But I still want to see Howard.
Ebola: The question is, dear, does Howard want to see you? Quite honestly, he hates you.
Vince: What do you mean?
Anthrax: Howard is harbouring deep feeling of resentment towards you, Vince.
Vince: Towards me?
Anthrax: It's classical. Almost a textbook case.
Vince: No!
Anthrax rubs a hand fleetingly over his shoulder.
Anthrax: That's a very bad response, Vince.
Ebola puts an arm around him and stroked his shoulder with her other hand.
Ebola: Yes, darling, leave the screaming to Howard.
Vince: It's not because I'm becoming too popular, is it?
Ape of Death: Of course it isn't. He wants to see you even more popular. He needs a man of exceptional desirability.
Ebola: You see, dearest. You can help us to help him.
Anthrax and Ebola lean in and rest their heads against his shoulders, enveloping him. Vince smiles.
Vince: I can…
In the Terminal ward, Johnny locks Howard back into his cage. He is now straightjacketed, and rocking back and forth humming to himself, clearly out of his mind.
Leroy is shoving documents into boxes and clearing out his research lab in a rage, as Rudi helps noncommittally.
Leroy: I'll bet you anything that Lance Dior had a hand in this! We'll probably be replaced by an hour of do-it-yourself plastic surgery tips.
Rudi: Leroy, do not overreact.
Leroy: Overreact? You're the one with theories about conspiracy!
Suddenly, Leroy's tone becomes softer and a little seductive. He turns to Rudi and smiles coyly.
Leroy: Rudi, are you spoken for this evening?
The lights have been turned up in Anthrax and Ebola's boudoir, and the two doctors are reading the next day's script. Vince and the Ape of Death sit close by, not speaking. The Ape appears relaxed, but Vince is clearly uncomfortable. Suddenly, the silence is broken by the Ape clapping to get the others' attention.
Ape of Death: Okay, we need an early start tomorrow-
Vince: Sorry, I've been meaning to mention; will you let me sort your bloody hair out? It's been pissing me off all evening.
Ape of Death: Ahem. An early start for Vince's debut on Early Afternoon Alarm Clock.
Vince: Could I just look in on Howard before I go home?
Ape of Death: Home?
Vince: … Home…
Ebola: This is the centre of the storm, darling. You'll stay here tonight. That way we can all be together when they turn the artificial light on in the studio.
Anthrax: And you can look in on Howard in the morning.
Diva comes in to escort Vince to his bedroom.
Ebola: Are all the beds made, nurse?
Diva: Yes doctor, I got that dead guy out and-
Anthrax (hissing): Then lock up.
Diva: Yes Mistress.
She leaves. Vince grins, a little nervously.
Graham wanders aimlessly down the set of a wet alley, while Leroy takes Rudi up to the gantry.
Rudi: So clever of you to find this secluded place.
Leroy: It pays to know your way around. I thought the Pod of Pop Culture might give your theories a new perspective.
Rudi: "Great perils have this beauty, that they bring light to the fraternity of strangers."
Leroy: Oh! I adore 'Les Miserables'! In fact…
He takes a book from his bag and opens it.
Leroy (reading): "What more was needed by this old man, who divided the leisure hours of his life, where he had so little leisure, between gardening in the day time and contemplation at night?"
In the windows above Diva escorts Vince to his bedroom. Two windows down, Anthrax and Ebola are in bed, Anthrax dressed in a loose black kimono and Ebola in a tight black corset with a pair of enormously high-heeled platform shoes. They lean in and almost kiss.
Ebola (singing): I feel the heat from your skin and the cruelty in your grin.
You're no good.
Anthrax: You're no good.
Ebola leans back, facing Anthrax, who leans forward and kisses along her legs.
Ebola (singing): You've got dirt on your hands and everybody understands
You're no good.
Anthrax: You're no good.
Ebola moves away from her and goes to stand at the window, lighting a cigarette in a long holder.
Ebola (singing): But what a joke.
You feel like choking.
You play for broke,
She leaves you smoking.
Anthrax picks up a riding whip and raises it to Ebola.
Anthrax (singing): Romance is not a children's game.
Ebola (singing): But you keep going back.
She's driving you insane.
Ebola falls back onto Anthrax and they kiss deeply. In the next room, the Ape of Death is sitting still, eyes wide open, an open book of hair ideas next to him. In the next room after him, Vince climbs into bed.
Vince (singing): Drift into the treacle deep,
Slip into its silent depths, go to sleep.
With your everything akimbo,
Float into the sandman's limbo.
In the next room along, Johnny and Diva are taking erotic photographs of each other on a Polaroid camera. They take a few last photos before climbing into bed together.
Diva (singing): Night night,
It's time for bye-byes,
It's been a great day, thanks a heap.
Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep.
They cover themselves completely, the movement of the covers suggesting that they have no intention of sleeping.
Audience (singing): Night night,
It's time for bye-byes,
It's been a great day, thanks a heap.
Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep.
The audience are asleep in their seats, Diva and Johnny are making love, Vince sleeps in his bed, the Ape of Death is sitting awake in the dark, and in the last bedroom, Anthrax turns out the light and falls onto Ebola. In the room next to them, Howard slumps forward in his cage.