Emily's POV
It's 8 in the evening. I wake up to vigorous knocking on my bedroom door and Hanna's voice on the other side. I realize that I never replied to any of the girls' messages. A no-no in our friendship. After everything we've been through, it became a rule to always keep communication lines open at all costs and to update each other at least once a day, or once every 2 days at most. It's become sort of a security blanket for all of us. I roll over to the side of my bed and open the door. I suppose they let themselves in my apartment. They do have a key.
Spencer is walking around my apartment, picking up pieces of clothing. I become such a slob this time of the year. Aria is busy scooping out ice cream into a bowl and Hanna..
"Really, Em? Wearing her shirt won't do you any good. I know you miss her, we all do. I know it still hurts but you can't live like this. If you have to wallow, at least wallow in style." Of course, the editor of the top fashion magazine in New York will mix sarcasm with fashion advice just to cheer me up. I give her a weak smile. I don't even remember getting this shirt from Paige's box, much less wearing it. We all have that, don't we? Some people give their ex's stuff back after a break up. How I wish I could do that. Then again, if Paige was still here, there was no way we were breaking up. And if it just so happened that we were, I wouldn't let her go without a fight. I'd give chase. I didn't know what to do with all the things that defined our relationship. Gifts, letters, photographs.. I had no one to give them back to although I never wanted to do so. So I kept them all. I wonder how I ended up wearing her shirt, this black shirt with a unicorn on it. I'm not usually this absent-minded even if Paige used to tease me a lot about it. Come to think of it, this was what she wore when we celebrated our 3rd anniversary.
"So, what time are we meeting up later?" Paige whispers as our lips part.
"Huh? What?" I open my eyes, still feeling her lips on mine. Paige laughs.
"For karaoke night?" Her eyes narrow and her lips turn up into a smirk. "I can't believe you forgot what we were talking about just because I kissed you!"
I could feel heat rising to my face and I just know I'm turning red. I try to defend myself, "No, I did not. Contrary to what you believe in, your kisses don't have that effect on me. Um, how about 9?"
"Sure, they don't. You're just being absent-minded then? See you at 9!" She leans over, puts her hand to my cheek, and kisses me softly. Before moving away, she smiles at me and whispers in my ear, "9 o'clock. Karaoke. Don't forget, okay?" She walks out of my car looking smug.
I don't know what it is about Paige and the way she kisses me but they always leave me feeling intoxicated. They always leave me wanting more. I know it and she knows it. I drive towards my house just hoping that my kisses leave her feeling the same.
I snap back to reality as Aria hands me a bowl of my favourite ice cream, mint chocolate chip, and hugs me before she pulls me toward the couch.
"So Em, let's talk about this. When was your last swim?" Spencer gives Aria a stern look.
"What? Swimming keeps her going. It's what she does." Aria is right. Every time I get in this slump, swimming brings me right back. The thought that one day I might end up feeling the way I did when Paige and I used to swim together drives me. Ironically, this is also the hardest time to get myself into the pool. Memories, you know? They can pull you either way. My swimming coach prepares for this slump by training with me more often than usual as this day approaches. He calls it "The Dive". I guess it's a good thing that there are no swimming competitions this time of the year.
Hannah joins us with her own bowl of ice cream, "You know she wouldn't want you to be like this."
Spencer comes back from the laundry room and puts in her 2 cents, "She's happy now, Em. You've got to look past this and find your happiness. Paige might not be in it but I'm sure your life can be just as happy as it once was. You have to let her go."
"I appreciate this, guys. Really. But I tell you this every year. Paige is.." I barely got to say her name before I broke down into tears. It still gets me every time. McCullers, if I didn't love you, I'd absolutely hate you for this. My ice cream was now a pool of light green with bits of chocolate chip floating in it. Only Paige could extinguish my appetite for mint chocolate chip ice cream, what I describe as heaven in your mouth on a normal day.
"We know, Em, we know," Hannah pulls me into an embrace and I curl myself in her arms. I used to do this with Paige. Everything reminds me of her right now. She consumes my thoughts and I am powerless to fight it. I know the girls have better things to do but I find some comfort, if I can mistake the distraction as that, in their company.
I am a professional swimmer. I run every morning then swim countless laps afterwards. I train my body to glide through the water as seamlessly as possible. I train myself to swim past waves and currents. I train myself to be strong. So why am I helpless when it comes to this? Why do I feel like I've forgotten how to swim? I keep asking myself, as if challenging the universe to give me a different answer, although I know why - because I didn't just lose anyone. I lost Paige. Paige McCullers. The love of my life. As this realization hits me again for the nth time today, I cry even harder and sink even lower into the depression I'm in.